What I Really Meant To Say
by beegurl13
Summary: He was gone, we were over and I was a mess... When Bella runs into Edward for the first time, a year after their breakup, with his new fiancee, how will it affect her? Will she be able to recover? Will he still love her? Continuation of O/S - E/B, M, AH **On Hiatus until Spring 2013**
1. Chapter 1

**Silent Tear Awards, Broken Fairy Tale Challenge**

**Story Title: What I Really Meant To Say**

**Author: beegurl13**

**Vamp or Human: Human**

**Pairing: Edward & Bella**

**A/N: Yeah, I don't own this Twilight stuff, or Edward or Bella. Stephenie Meyer owns them. She created them; I'm just doing angsty things to them. Though I do own an awesome Mint Chocolate Cookie recipe, I call them Minty Smooth Jasper's after a particularly Smooth Jasper in another fan fic story. I made some the other day, and I certainly did NOT send any clear across the country to my girlie. Nope, that wasn't me.**

**Also, the title of this fic comes from the song _What I Really Meant to Say_ by Cyndi Thomson. It's beautiful, you should listen to it. This story was written around its lyrics so it might be cool to hear them sung.**

**Oh, and about the contest I wrote this for... Yeah, it says _Broken Fairytale Challenge_, but this isn't based on a typical fairytale. I kinda see Twilight as a modern day fairytale, so that's what I went with. Hope you're not too disappointed.**

**There are lots of thanks to be made. All my girlies…**

**First to MissyV (_MeowVemulapalli_) – my bestie since like the 6th grade. She has WAY too much dirt on me, but I love her anyway. Thanks for your thoughts on this, you brought things up that I hadn't even thought about. Nice. :)**

**Next to My Baby G (_Risbee_) – it's all your fault I am obsessed with this fan fic stuff. And now I'm getting other people obsessed. I kinda love you for that. :D She writes totally awesome stuff, you should check her out, she's in my favorite authors.**

**And finally, My La V (_missveritys_) – you snarky British prego woman! She's having a girl baby to add to her two cute boys, Felix and Jasper. I keep telling her what cute names Bella and Alice are, but so far she's not going for it.**

**Then there is my uber-beta, the wonder known as _coldplaywhore_. Now, I don't know if she would whore herself out for Coldplay, like her name suggests, but I do know she would do it for Robert Pattinson or Michael Vartan. Ahhh, she has good taste in men, that's just one more reason I love and adore her! She makes my stuff better, so you can thank her for that – I know I do! :D**

*****disclaimer*** Okay, I'm gonna be a little serious here before we start. This fic is angsty. You know it's for an unhappy ending contest, so it's gotta have some sadness. I know you want the HEA, I get that. This deals with some pretty heavy stuff, so if you are easily offended by people doing thing's that might hurt themselves or others, you might want to steer clear of this one. Sorry if it offends you, I don't mean to.**

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BPOV

It had been a long day. Who was I kidding; it had been a long year. Things were finally starting to look up and I felt like the fog was actually lifting. I had never in all my life been so down and out of it. My friends were worried about me, always asking what was wrong, but I couldn't tell them. I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't even want to admit it to myself. If I did that, then I had to accept that it had really happened; everything I was ignoring was real. I had really lost him and it was really over.

Even though deep down I knew it was true, it still hurt too much to acknowledge. I still loved him and I missed him every second of every day. There were so many things I wish I had said to him, but my pride just got in the way. Our last moments together haunted me, bringing nightmares to my restless sleep every night. I couldn't even remember the last night I spent sleeping peacefully without waking up screaming. He was always there, the moment I closed my eyes I would see him. He would say horrible things to me and then his eyes would glaze over and he would turn and walk away from me, leaving me screaming, crying for him to come back, but he never did. He just vanished, and then I would wake up, still screaming and crying for him. Wishing he would come back so I could tell him all the things I needed to say. Wishing he would give me a chance to explain. Wishing he would take me back. Wishing he still loved me.

But that was never going to happen. He was gone, we were over and I was a mess.

As I fastened the straps on my new heels, I hoped that the evening would go well. Emmett was picking me up and we were going to a cocktail party for his work. I was excited to be getting dressed up; it had been so long since I had done that. My best friend Alice bought me a new dress, probably thrilled that I was doing anything outside of my apartment for a change. She had introduced me to her cousin Emmett and we hit it off immediately. He was very intimidating when I first looked at him, but the second he smiled that cheesy, dimpled smile, he had melted my heart. He was funny and sweet and smart – all the things I loved in a man; all the things that the other man wasn't. Maybe that's why I was so drawn to Emmett – he was nothing like the one who broke my heart.

My body needed a change. My heart needed something different. My mind needed a break. Emmett was exactly what I needed, and by some small miracle he seemed to need me too.

The knock on the door was a few minutes earlier than I was expecting, but my heart leaped knowing that Emmett was on the other side waiting for me. I grabbed my purse and checked my hair and lip gloss one more time before sprinting as fast as my heel covered feet would carry me. I opened the door to find Emmett leaning against the door frame, a bunch of Crazy Daisies in his hand.

"Miss Swan, you are looking gorgeous this evening, as always."

I batted my eyelashes at him as his smile grew.

"Why thank you Mr. Mc Carty. What lovely flowers you have there. Are those for anyone in particular?" I asked, knowing full well they were for me. He always brought me something and we had seen those flowers at the store on our last date, me commenting on how much I loved the bright colors.

"Yeah, we gotta stop off at my mom's house on the way, she just loves these crazy flowers," he said, teasingly to me.

"You're such a nice son, she's a lucky lady," I said sarcastically.

"Oh, alright, you got me. I brought them for you; I think I kinda like you so I thought I might bring you something pretty, though they are no where near as pretty as you are right now. Honestly Bella, you look amazing." I blushed, causing him to put his hand over his heart, clutching at his shirt. "Bells, you know what that blush of yours does to me. You gotta stop that right now or we aren't gonna get any farther than your couch tonight," he said with a strained voice.

I giggled, loving the joking way in which way we bantered with each other. I took the flowers from him and quickly put them into the refrigerator in my kitchen, planning to get a vase for them later.

I sauntered back to him, grinning as I walked past him and out into the hallway, closing my door behind us. Emmett took my hand tightly in his, entwining our fingers as he led me to a car that was not his. I was surprised that he hadn't driven his jeep that night, though I was also glad, having worried about trying to climb into it wearing the dress I had on.

"Whose car is this?" I asked.

"Oh, it's my brothers'. He wanted to take his girlfriend out camping so I offered to trade cars for the weekend. This thing might go fast but it's not really mountain material," he said with a laugh.

It really was a beautiful car, and I knew everything about the make and model of it. _He_ had one exactly like it; only it was silver instead of black. I knew the way the leather seats smelled. I knew the curve of the dashboard. I knew the sound of the engine. I knew how far back the front seats reclined and how much space was in the back seat. I even knew how the hood felt pressed up again the bare skin of my back.

As I sat enveloped by the familiar smells and images, I knew this was going to be a long night. It would have been better for both of us if I had insisted at that moment that Emmett and I go back to my couch and spend the evening there, but I didn't. Hindsight is 20/20.

We pulled up to the hotel where the party was being held and I stepped out into the crisp night air. It was fall and the nights had started getting a lot cooler. Luckily, I had remembered my wrap, though I didn't want to wear it unless I absolutely had to. It went well with my dress, but the fabric was scratchy and I usually ended up shifting uncomfortably while I wore it. When we walked into the huge double doors Emmett asked me if I would like him to check it for me, and I immediately agreed.

He left me standing in the lobby alone, which was fine. I was used to being on my own and I didn't mind the fact that I knew no one who would be at the party, other than Emmett.

I was never outgoing or overly friendly as a child. My father always told me that I would outgrow that and blossom once I reached college and I waited for that to happen, but it never did. I was a wallflower to the core and I had learned to accept it. I never dated in high school, too afraid to approach boys. When I entered college I was slightly antisocial, which grated on my roommate's every nerve.

Rosalie, my college roommate, was Malibu Barbie incarnate. She was tall, blonde, beautiful, and had every boy on campus eating out of her hands. She tried unsuccessfully for months to get me to go with her to mixers, frat parties, football games, basically anything that would put me out into college life. I always insisted I had homework or I was tired. Finally she gave up, though we were able to maintain a close friendship.

We roomed together for 3 years before finally, in our senior year; she decided to move in with her boyfriend, Jacob. I decided to search for someone living off campus who might need a roommate and that's when I met_ him._

As I stood in the lobby, waiting for Emmett, I was overwhelmed by the artwork around me which only fueled the memories that were quickly flashing through my mind.

_It was August when I found his number; all I knew was that he was a student looking for another person to fill a bedroom in his house. When I called, he gave me the address and told me to meet him the next afternoon and he would show me around. I only had a couple of weeks until school started and I was anxious to find a place to live. Rosalie and I were renting an apartment for the summer, but when Jacob returned for school, our lease would be up and Rose was moving in with him._

_I pulled up to the house, shocked at the size of it. I was sure he had given me the wrong address, but the number matched so I figured why not, I may as well check it out. I walked up the long walkway to the front door and rang the bell. When the door opened a few moments later I was greeted by a cute girl with curly hair who was wearing a cheerleading uniform. Great, I though, it's a sorority house. _

"_Hi! Can I help you?" she asked in a much too cheerful tone for my liking._

"_Yeah, um, I'm looking for Edward? He gave me this address?"_

"_Oh yeah, come on in. Let me get him."_

_I walked into the house and felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. It was beautiful. This was like no college house I had ever been to and I wondered if it really was college kids that lived here._

_As the girl closed the door she turned to the side and yelled at the top of her lungs, "EDWARD!" Then she turned back to me and smiled._

"_So, I'm Jessica, who are you?"_

"_I'm Bella. Do you live here?" I didn't think I could handle living with her perkiness day in and day out. She was already grating on my nerves and I had only been here for two minutes._

"_Oh, no, my boyfriend Mike lives here. I'm just here for a nooner. I needed a little pick me up to get me through the freshman orientation crap I have to help with this afternoon. Plus Mike likes to screw me while I'm wearing my uniform," she smirked, adding a little wiggle of her perfectly manicured eyebrows._

_Okay, dodged that bullet At least she doesn't live here, but wasn't that a bit much to share with a complete stranger?_

"_Nooner, huh? I can see how that would help with the stress of organized freshman activities," I said, the sarcasm heavy in my voice._

"_Yeah, Jess has a hard time helping other people when it doesn't directly benefit herself, isn't that right Jess?" I turned my head to see a man walk around the corner, laughing at what he had just said._

"_Shut it Edward, at least I help out. What do you do, huh? How are you bettering the world?" Jessica snipped back at the man, though I could sense a bit of humor in the words._

"_Jess, I let those nooners happen on a regular basis under my roof, now don't I? See, I'm saving the world from having to deal with the horror of a sex-free Jessica. That's one of the greatest services I can do for mankind," he laughed. As he walked closer, I saw the bright green eyes that were piercing through me._

"_Hi, you must be Bella? I'm Edward, it's a pleasure to meet you," he said as he extended his hand to me. The sight of him almost had me speechless. I managed to stutter out a greeting, "Hi… Yeah, I'm Bella, it-it's nice to meet you too. Thanks for seeing me today, I-I, um, really appreciate it."_

"_No problem." He grinned, turning to the girl next to me, "Jess, you were just leaving?" _

"_Yeah, nice to meet you Bella. Hope I get to see you around, maybe we could hang out sometime or something." She turned and disappeared out the door as I looked back to Edward, who was still looking at me._

"_Are you ready?" he asked me. His eyes seared into mine and I felt my toes curl. _

"Bella, you ready?" I heard the words again but from a different voice and it shook me from my memories.

"Emmett, yeah, I'm ready." I smiled and took his arm, walking towards the conference rooms. We walked past a baby grand piano that sat near the bar in the center court of the hotel. A man dressed in a suit sat playing classical tunes, stirring more memories of a certain bronze haired boy. My eyes lingered on him as we crossed the room, seeing visions of songs being played for me, while my thighs remembered the feel of those white keys pressing into them. This night was not going in my favor.

As we entered the room the party was in full swing. We were a few minutes late, though it was a come and go type gathering. Emmett knew we would be here for a few hours, so he wasn't worried about being on time. He greeted several people as we made our way through the room.

"You want something to drink, sweetie?" he asked me.

"Yes, white wine please?"

"Sure, I'll get it. Do you want to come with me or do you want to find a chair or table or something?"

"I'll go with you, if that's alright," I said.

"Come on, I think it's this way."

We waltzed around a few groups of people before finally seeing the bar tucked into the corner of the room. After getting our drinks Emmett spotted his boss and asked if he could introduce us. I was thrilled that he was so excited for me to meet his friends and co-workers. I knew it meant that he really was interested in me for the long term.

I met most of the people Emmett spent his days with, and they were all very kind to me. Only a couple of girls gave me the brush off, but I knew it was because they were jealous of my being with Emmett. I could see it in their eyes and in the way they laughed at everything he said. I had seen it before; this wasn't the first man I had been with that had that kind of draw for women.

I spotted one of the paintings on the wall closest to me and the conversation happening around me slowly faded away.

_Edward began, "This is my house, well actually my parents own it. I don't really need roommates, but I lived here alone my freshman year and I felt like I really missed out on the social aspect of college. I've been renting out the rooms for the last few years and it works out great. We have 6 bedrooms, so there are 6 of us. Like I said, my parents own it and the rent amount is kind of negotiable, so if it's a problem just let me know. We can figure something out."_

"_Thanks Edward, this house is really beautiful. I thought at first that maybe you had given me the wrong address," I said jokingly._

"_Well, I'm glad you like it," he said. "Let me show you around a bit." He noticed me looking at the painting hanging above the entry way table and he laughed. "Sorry, my mom is into artwork, there are paintings all over the common living areas. I took everything out of the bedrooms so you can do whatever you want in there. But if there is something here that you really can't stand, just say so and I'll take care of it," he said with a smile._

_He showed me around the lower level, pointing out all the major living areas and two bedrooms that were down stairs. They apparently belonged to Mike, Jessica's boyfriend, and Eric. We walked up the stairs and he showed me the first two rooms, belonging to Angela and Lauren, and then two bathrooms, one smaller than the other. At the end of the hall were the last two rooms, Edward's room and the vacant room._

"_My cousin Tyler was living here but he graduated in May and just moved out last month. I made sure he cleaned the room so hopefully you won't find anything growing in there. The other girls use the big bathroom so the smaller bathroom is all yours. The girls are pretty quiet, Angela is a sweetheart and a real bookworm, and Lauren is…not." He grinned a little, softly laughing._

"_Did I miss something?" I asked, curious about his expression._

"_Well, Lauren doesn't stay here a lot, she usually likes to stay with her girlfriend, Tanya, but her parents think she lives here, so she keeps enough stuff here to make it look that way in case they drop by. And they do, on occasion, so just be ready for that."_

"_Oh, okay. Can I see the room?" I questioned, curiously._

"_Oh yeah, yeah, sorry, I almost forgot the most important part," he said as he shook his head and let out a laugh I imagined angels would be envious of._

_He opened the door and I couldn't believe how perfect the room was. I turned to Edward and asked, "Can I move in tomorrow?"_

_He smiled at me, nodding his head. "Yeah, the sooner the better, Bella," he said._

"Bella?" I heard the voice call my name. "Bella, are you okay?" I blinked my eyes, suddenly aware of my surroundings again, and turned to Emmett.

"Yeah, sorry. That painting was just reminding me of something. A copy of it used to hang in the house I lived in when I was in college. It brought back some old memories. Sorry, I - I didn't mean to be rude."

The couple standing near us just laughed at my awkwardness and Emmett put his arm around my waist, drawing me closer to him. He placed a kiss on the top of my head, whispering, "Nothing's ever dull with you around, is it?"

We both laughed and excused ourselves so we could make our way over to the buffet table. After loading up our plates we found a table to sit at, chatting happily with the other people there. The food was delicious and soon I was stuffed. Emmett asked if I would like to dance since music was playing and there was a spot cleared for dancing. I tried to remind him about my two left feet and the fact that both of them were currently strapped into 4 inch heels, but he just laughed and assured me that by the end of the night he would have me out there twirling around the dance floor.

We heard a commotion in the far corner of the room, several people breaking out into a song. As I searched for the reason behind it Emmett started to laugh. I looked to him quizzically, hoping he would tell me what was going on.

"Everyone is singing to Tori, this was her last week here with the company. She's moving to New York next week. Her fiancé got a job in some big law firm and she's transferring," he explained.

"Oh, that sounds nice," I said.

I glanced over at the crowd again and almost as if in slow motion the sea of people parted, leaving an open shot straight to the one person I didn't want to see. _Him_. He was here. He was at the party, and he had his arm around the girl that everyone was singing to. His arm was around Tori. He smiled brightly as he bent to place a kiss on her temple and I knew – he was her fiancé. _Him._ Of all people, it was him.

I suddenly felt all the food I had just eaten try to make a reappearance. I quickly choked back what I knew was coming and excused myself to find the ladies room. Emmett looked at me, concerned but willing to let me take care of things myself. I rushed to the hallway, frantic to find a restroom before I made a mess that some poor janitor would have to clean up.

I ran into the bathroom and the closest stall. Luckily no one else was there, and I heaved my dinner into the porcelain bowl. After a few more times I flushed the toilet and leaned my head again the cool partition wall. I knew it was disgusting to sit on the floor of a public bathroom, but in that moment I didn't care. I had sat in worse places, thrown up in dirtier toilets, and exposed myself to far more lethal things than the germs on this hotel bathroom floor. At least this floor was probably mopped on a regular, if not hourly, basis. Most other places I had done this certainly hadn't had that type of cleaning regimen.

After about 10 minutes, I thought I should to get back to the party before Emmett came looking for me, or worse, sent someone else looking for me. I washed my hands, rinsed my mouth out, and wiped off my face. I reapplied my lip gloss and sucked on a few breath mints. I saw the little bottle of pills in my purse and decided that this was the perfect time for one of them. As I opened the bottle I figured this occasion might actually require two, or three, if I was being honest with myself. I swallowed the pills quickly with a handful of water from the sink, and made my way back to the party.

Emmett was walking towards the door as I walked out, apparently on his way to find me. "Honey, you okay?" he said with a worried look on his face. He moved his hands up to cradle my face and he stared into my eyes, searching for answers.

"Yeah, Em, I'm okay. My stomach was just acting up a bit, that's all, but I'm fine now, see? Don't I look okay?" I smiled sweetly at him, trying to convince him that I really was fine.

"I guess so, but you had me worried. Do you want to go home? If you're not feeling well we should leave. I don't mind Bella, honestly. I just want you to be happy."

He was such a good man, and I knew that I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve anyone that was kind or decent. I wasn't worth it, but I was too selfish to push him away. I put my arms around his waist, pulling him closer to me, and whispered in his ear, "Dance with me, Em."

His face lit up like a Christmas tree and he quickly took my hand, leading me to the dance floor.

The music flowed around the room as we swayed in place. Emmett was taking things slow, knowing I wasn't a good dancer. I loved the feel of his arms around me, it made me feel safe and loved. I leaned my head against his chest and enjoyed the moment with him. When the next song began we started to move a bit more, Emmett leading me around the dance floor. I felt free and relaxed and was enjoying myself for the first time in ages. As we turned once more my eyes were met by a piercing green gaze and I stumbled.

"Izzy?" he asked, the shock evident in his voice. "Izzy, is that you?"

I quietly cleared my throat, "Edward, um, hello." I nervously shifted my eyes to anything but Edward's face, afraid to look at him. I wasn't sure my heart could handle seeing the happiness that I was sure was there.

"Iz, what are you doing here? I'm surprised to see you; I didn't know you'd be here tonight."

"Yeah, uh, this is my friend Emmett. Emmett, this is Edward," I stated hesitantly. Did I really want Emmett to meet Edward? What would happen if these two parts of my life collided? My past and my present where two very different things; I couldn't have Edward and his apparent new found joy ruining things for me, just as they were starting to get good again.

Edward's eyes remained on me, searching for something that I knew only he would see. "How have you been, Iz?"

I squirmed under his gaze and tried my best to smile at him as I responded, hoping to hide my true feelings, "Just fine."

Edward continued looking me over, knowing that I was in no way fine. He sighed and turned to look at Emmett, exchanging looks with him, each of them smiling and quickly offering their hands to one another.

"Nice to meet you, Edward. So you're the lucky fiancé, huh?" Emmett said to Edward before turning to address the woman he was dancing with. "Hey Tori, we're gonna miss you around here!"

"Emmett, I didn't know you were seeing anyone? This is great," Tori said, smiling sweetly at me.

"Oh, excuse my rudeness, Tor, this is Bella. She was one of my roommates in college, you remember I told you about her?" he said with a pointed look at her.

A knowing expression flashed across her face as she looked back and forth between Edward and I. "So, you're Bella? I've heard a lot about you, it's very nice to finally meet you. Edward had some wonderful things to say about you."

That was surprising. I didn't think Edward would ever say anything nice about me, especially after the way things ended between us. I stood silently, suddenly uncomfortable in my surroundings. When Emmett spoke I thought my knees would give out on me.

"Hey Tori, how about one more dance before you move on to the big, bad city? I'm sure Bella and Edward would love a chance to catch up a bit. What do you say?" Emmett offered his hand to Tori, who took it quickly after winking to Edward. I noticed the ring on her finger – it was Edward's grandmother's ring, the one that should have been on _my_ finger.

As Emmett and Tori danced away, Edward and I stood awkwardly near each other, neither one knowing what to do.

"Iz, would you dance with me, please?" I saw the pained look in his eyes; certain that he would rather be torn apart by sharks then have to put his arms around me. Sadly, in his arms was the one place I dreamed of being, and the one place I never thought I would get to go again.

"Eddie, of course I will, you don't even have to ask," I said quietly to him, looking up at him with eyes full of want.

He took my hand and pulled me towards him, curling his other arm around my waist, placing his hand on the small of my back. I put my hand on his shoulder, debating on whether or not to lean my head against his chest. He stepped closer to me and I could feel the line of his body against mine – his leg against my leg, his hip against my hip, his chest against my chest. My heart beat rapidly, knowing that it was home, yet also knowing it couldn't stay there.

We began to turn in slow circles, swaying with the music. The simple movements brought to mind a memory of the first time we had held each other like this.

_It was two months into my senior year and I had settled into Edward's house rather comfortably. The other roommates were very welcoming to me and Rose and I still got together every week for dinner. I was happy and actually enjoying the school year. As Homecoming approached, the house began to fill with chatter about the football game and the dance. Everyone seemed to be going, with the exception of Edward and me. He was in his 2nd year of law school and didn't feel that it was right for him to go to the dance since he had gone each of his first four years there. He questioned me nonstop about why I wasn't going to the dance. It took several days of pestering before I finally broke down and told him that no one had asked me – that no one had ever asked me to go anywhere before. He seemed stunned by my words and muttered to himself that it wasn't possible._

_When the night of the dance approached, I happily saw off each of my roommates and their dates, somewhat looking forward to spending a nice, quiet night alone in the house. Jessica had tried to set Edward up with one her cheerleader friends, so I assumed that he would be taking her to the dance. I was slightly taken aback when Edward walked through the front door, holding a bag full of Chinese take out, a 2 liter of my favorite soda, and several DVD's. He smiled at me, taking in my confused expression, and said, "Izzy, I can't bear the thought of you sitting home alone, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to spend an entire night with you all to myself."_

_We spent the evening sitting on the living room floor, laughing at one of the movies Edward had rented, stuffing ourselves with Chinese food. It was one of the greatest nights of my life up to that point, and had I known ahead of time how it would end, I never would have believed it._

_As the movie came to an end, the credits began to roll, accompanied by a beautiful love song. Edward quickly stood and offered me his hand. I looked at him like he was a crazy person and he softly said, "Iz, would you dance with me, please?" _

_I stuttered and stammered through excuses before finally standing and taking his hand. He pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me and leaning his face down, burying it into my hair. We swayed to the music and after several minutes I realized the song had ended, but we were still dancing. Edward must have noticed at the same time I did because he began humming the most amazing tune I had ever heard. I was swept away in the moment._

_I clung to him, never wanting to let go, flying at the feel of his body molding to mine. Each curve of my body seemed to fit perfectly in place against his; we were like two puzzle pieces made to go together. He raised his hands to brush some of my hair away from him face and then cupped my cheeks. As his thumbs ran over my cheekbones, I felt myself falling into his stare. When he lowered his mouth to mine, my breath hitched, and I froze. I felt his lips move into a grin against my lips and he quietly whispered, "Izzy, is this okay?"_

_I was confused, how could he think it wasn't okay with me? He must have misinterpreted my response, so to make sure that didn't happen again I dug my fingers into his bronze hair and pulled him roughly to me. I kissed him with all the passion I had built up while watching him over the past two months, trying to show him how I felt about him. His hands grasped at my back, pulling at the edges of my t-shirt, bringing me even closer to him._

_I was on fire. Every inch of my body that touched him felt as though it was being burned by a raging forest fire, and like that same fire, I was out of control. I knew there was no way I would be able to stop our sudden progression, and I didn't want to. I needed him. My body craved him. I would push until he stopped me._

"_Edward, tell me when to stop. I can't stop myself when I'm with you," I said breathlessly. "I feel like I'm addicted to you – I can't get enough."_

"_Then don't stop, just go with it," he mumbled against my neck as he licked and bit at my skin._

_He didn't stop me that night. He didn't stop me the next night or the next. For almost four years he didn't stop me. For almost four years I was on fire, raging with desire for him. I could never get enough. I was happy, but I knew he wasn't. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't ever seem to make him feel the way I felt. I couldn't make him as happy as he made me, and it tore at my soul. _

_As time went by he would often ask me, "Izzy, are you happy? Truly happy?" and I always answered yes, I was happier than I had ever been in my life, and it was true, for me. It just wasn't true for him._

As we danced around the hotel dance floor I was pulled away from my memories by the sound of his voice asking a familiar question, "Izzy, are you happy? Truly happy?" I looked up into his green eyes, seeing the hurt and longing there.

"What do you want me to say Edward? Do you want me to lie to you? Because I will, if that's what you want." My voice cracked as I spoke the last words, trying to disguise my true feelings, while my heart screamed at me to tell him how much it longed to be with him again. My lungs wanted me to tell him that they couldn't really breathe without him by my side. My eyes betrayed me as they began to build up tears.

"No Iz, I want the truth. I can't take any more lies from you, it hurts too much."

"Okay, Edward, no I'm not happy. I'm miserable. My life ended that night you left me; you wouldn't even let me explain. After everything we had together, you said those things to me and just left. Why did you do that? How could I ever be happy when the last memory I have of us together is that night?" He could hear the emotion in my voice, though I tried to hide it.

He looked at me with confusion in his eyes, as if I had said something wrong, as if we both didn't know what happened that night. "Izzy, this isn't the time or place to get into all of that. You know it. There was nothing to explain that night; it just happened. I couldn't take things the way they were anymore, I couldn't keep living like that. I tried to help you Iz, for over two years I tried. It nearly killed me, it really did, but I couldn't do it anymore. You know I didn't mean the things I said, and I know you didn't mean the things you said, but I just had to get you away."

I saw the pain in his eyes as he slowed his swaying almost to a complete stop. His grasp on me had tightened, as if he was afraid to let go. I searched his face for any hint of hope, a sign that maybe he would forgive me and it wasn't too late for us.

He sighed a loud breath and let go of me. He took a step away from me and his eyes held so much hurt, I couldn't breathe.

"Iz, I can't do this. I can't stand here and watch this happen anymore. It's my fault and I've tried and tried to make things right, but I can't. You can't help someone who doesn't want your help. I had to let you go, I had to walk away from you Izzy, it broke my heart and I will never love anyone the way I love you, but I can't do this. I'm so sorry I couldn't be stronger for you. You just broke me too many times Iz, I can't do it. I'm sorry."

He turned and quickly walked out of the room and into the hallway. I stood there on the dance floor, stunned. Was he trying to say the break up was my fault? Was he trying to lay the blame on me, when it was him who said all the horrible things that were screamed that night? How could he blame me? I raced after him, needing to know what he was thinking. I was desperate to have him in my arms again. I ached to feel his skin under my hands, his warm breath on my neck, his voice moaning my name, his body moving deep inside of mine. I needed him, I knew I couldn't live another night without him.

This was my last chance.

I ran from the room, not caring who or what was in my way. As I burst through the doors I looked frantically down the hallway towards the lobby, but he was not there. I felt a scream building deep in my gut, yearning to break free as my soul split in two. I spun around and saw him pacing at the other end of the hallway, running his hands through his hair the way he always did when he was upset. I recalled the first time I had watched him pace this way.

_It was late in the afternoon on Christmas Eve. It was the first Christmas Edward and I were spending together. We had been dating officially for a few months and things were prefect; he was perfect. The house was empty since all of our roommates had gone home for the Christmas break. Edward's parents were in Europe for the holidays and my dad was working, so we had the house to ourselves. I was excited to be cooking Christmas dinner for him and we had spent the better part of the week going over the menu, planning all our favorite foods._

_I returned from the grocery store, having battled my way through the crowds to pick up the last few things I needed, and was surprised to not find Edward anywhere in the house. His car was parked in the garage and it was too cold for him to have walked anywhere, so I knew he had to be around somewhere. I opened the back door, glancing out into the backyard and was surprised to see him pacing back and forth in front of the old swing set that sat on the far side of the yard. He was running his hands through his hair and mumbling to himself. I feared the worst, something had to be wrong._

_I stepped out onto the porch, the door squeaking closed behind me. Edward looked up, his eyes meeting mine, and stopped mid stride. We stood staring at each other for several seconds before I finally walked towards him, worried about what he had to tell me. The look in his eyes was one that I hadn't seen before and I was scared. Was someone hurt? Had he changed his mind about us? If he asked me to move out, where would I go? It was my last semester; would I still be able to finish school? I felt my hands start to shake and my breathing speed up as the blood drained from my face. Edward always loved the blush that would creep up over my body when I was nervous or embarrassed, but that wouldn't be happening today._

"_Edward, what is it? What's wrong?" I softly asked. I walked to his side, my eyes never leaving his. I took a deep breath and brought my hand up to his face, running my fingers along his cheekbone. His skin was frozen and his nose was red; he had been outside a long time. I realized that he wasn't wearing a jacket, just a t-shirt, his pajama pants, and slippers. I reached down and took his hand, pulling him towards the house. "You're freezing, let's go back in. I don't want you sick for Christmas."_

_He stood still, not budging at my request. "Bella, stay here with me. For just a minute, please?" The expression on his face was pleading with me, so I stepped back to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I buried my face into his chest as I felt him lower his to my hair. He had called me Bella, something he rarely did. He usually called me Iz or Izzy, his special nickname for me, but when things were serious he would call me Bella. The dread grew in my chest as I contemplated what was happening. "Will you sit with me, here on the swings?"_

_I loosened my hold on him and he pulled me towards the old wooden swings that hung silently in the chilled air. I gently sat down, not knowing how strong the ropes were or even when the swing set had last been used. Goodness knows college kids didn't spend a lot of time on playground equipment. He held my hand in his, his thumb rubbing circles over the back of my hand. I looked at him, waiting for him to say something, anything. When he finally spoke, it wasn't what I expected._

"_Bella, why are you with me?"_

_I was stunned, how could he ask that? A million reasons ran through my head in that instant, as he waited for my reply. "Edward, you're everything to me. You're the first person who ever saw me for who I am, and liked me enough to keep looking. You have no idea how much that means to me, how grateful I am to you for that."_

_His brow creased and he swallowed before he asked, "Is that the only reason? Because I paid attention to you when no else did?"_

"_No! No, it's so much more than that. You take care of me, you help me, you talk to me, you comfort me, you make me feel happier then I ever thought I could feel, you make me want things I never wanted before. When I'm with you, I'm a better person. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel complete when I'm with you. When your arms are around me, I'm safe. When you smile at me, my world is brighter. When you kiss me, every inch of my body screams out with joy. When I'm with you, my life is what I know it should be, what it never had any chance of being before you came along." I was pouring my heart out to him and I was terrified that he wouldn't understand._

"_Bella, I feel the same way when I'm with you. Do you know that? I can't imagine even one day without holding you, or kissing you, or looking into your eyes, or hearing your voice. I don't want to."_

"_You don't have to, I'm not going anywhere. What is this about, Edward? You can tell me," I pleaded with him._

"_Bella," he whispered, "have you ever been in love with someone before?"_

_My heart stuttered, trying desperately to figure out where he was going with this. "No, Edward, I've never told anyone other than my dad that I loved them."_

"_So, how do you know when you love someone? I mean, I've had feelings for girls before, but…I'm at a loss right now. I've never felt what I feel for you."_

_His eyes peered into mine and it seemed that the green there intensified as he continued to stare at me. He leaned towards me, ever so slightly, and licked his lips. "Bella, I've been out here trying to figure this out, and the only conclusion that I can come to is this – I love you. I am wholly, totally, completely, thoroughly in love with you, and I'm scared to death that you don't feel the same way about me."_

_He dropped his eyes from mine, looking down at our hands. I saw a tear fall down his cheek as his breath hitched. He loved me. Had I heard him right? He had really said it? I had never heard it before, except for a few times from my dad, but not since I was 9 years old. I watched him, swallowing before I tried to speak._

"_Edward, you love me? Are you sure?" I asked with a timid voice that shook with emotion._

"_Yes, I love you. I know I do. I've known for a while, I just had to be sure. I didn't want to hurt you, I need you too much."_

_A smile slowly crept across my face as I reached my free hand out, taking hold of his chin and lifting his face until our eyes met. "Edward Cullen, I love you. So much. It scares me everyday, the thought of feeling like this for someone; I don't know what to do with it, but I love you, I know I do. You're everything to me, you always will be."_

_He grinned his crooked smile at me, "You know this is it for me, right? I'll never feel like this about anyone else, no matter how long I live? You okay with that?"_

_A laugh escaped from me as nodded my head in agreement, "Me too, no one else." The tears began to fall from my eyes as he stood and pulled me up and into his arms. His hand cupped my cheek and he kissed my lips gently several times before pulling back. _

"_Isabella Swan, I love you. You and only you, my Izzy. You're my one, now and always. Let's go back inside so I can show you how much I love you."_

_He held my hand as he stepped away towards the backdoor. I stood still for just a moment, realizing what had just happened between us. He loved me, and I loved him, and it was okay. He was mine, and I was his, and he wanted to show me. I smiled as I stepped towards him, anxious to be near him again._

I slowly approached, not knowing what to say. I had played this scene so many times in my head, but now that it was happening, I was at a loss for words. I took a deep breathe, holding it in my lungs, hoping to erase the feelings burning in my belly. My heart was racing as I came to a stop within an arms length of him. "Edward…" I called out to him, hoping that he would acknowledge me. His step faltered and he came to a stand still. I could see the agony on his face and it broke my heart like nothing ever before.

"Izzy, you need to go. I can't be here with you," he softly said to me without looking at me.

"Edward, please, just talk to me. I know you still love me, can't we talk about this?" I pleaded with him.

He looked up at me, squaring his shoulders, and spoke, "Iz, do you remember that night? Do you remember what happened that last night that we were together? Do you even have any recollection of what I went through? That night haunts me, Izzy; I can't ever allow myself to go back to that. It doesn't matter how much I loved you, or how much I still love you, all that matters is that I can't be with you. Having you here, this close to me, letting myself smell your perfume and feel your skin, be awash in your whole essence, it's killing me. I can't be here, not with you. Please, let me be, Iz. I'm happy, please don't erase everything I've worked for this past year. Please, if you love me at all, like you say you do, please let me go. Please…"

There was so much pain in his eyes. How could I deny him? How could I stand there in front of him and blatantly ignore his request? It was self preservation that kept me there. I knew I couldn't live without him, and in a last ditch effort to save itself, my body refused to move.

The details of that night were hazy to me. I had tried over and over again to figure out exactly what happened, but there were too many holes in my memory.

"Um, I don't really know, Edward. I just remember that I felt really good until you started screaming at me." In all honestly, I really didn't remember a lot about that night. I knew I had spent the evening home alone while Edward worked late on a case his law firm had assigned him to. I remembered feeling happy and kind of euphoric. Then I remember seeing Edward's eyes burning through me, feeling his grasp on my arm, pulling me away from where I was. I remember him throwing clothes at me and yelling so loudly I thought my eardrums would burst. Then I remember him turning and walking away from me, leaving me huddled on the floor, sobbing for him to come back. What else could there have been? How could my pain have affected him so much?

"Think about it, Iz. You know what happened. Somewhere in your brain you remember what was going on that night. Think harder Iz, I can't tell you, you have to remember it."

I racked my brain but found nothing. No hints of the supposed horrid events that transpired that night were left for me to find, no clues to solve the puzzle. I looked to him, begging with my eyes for him to tell me, to put me out of my misery and just tell me what happened.

"I don't know Edward, I can't remember it. I don't know why, but I can't."

His face twisted into a look of fury and his voice poured out in a hushed roar, "You do know why you can't remember, Isabella. You know perfectly well why you can't remember. Admit it. I want to hear you say it out loud. I think after four years together I deserve that much from you. Say it, Isabella, out loud."

I started to panic. He couldn't be doing this to me here, in a public place. This was something between us, something that no one else knew. How dare he say these things to me! I looked at the floor, tears flooding my eyes, and slowly shook my head. "No," I silently mouthed, no sound coming from me. I mouthed the word again and again before Edward finally stepped forward, grabbing my upper arm, turning me towards him.

"Do you really want to hear me say it, Iz? Is that what you want? You want me to tell you why I can't be with you? You want me to tell you why you broke my heart? You want me to tell you what I walked in on that night? You really want me to do that?" he said, I could hear the disgust dripping from his every word.

He reached out and grasped my face, roughly turning it up to look at him. Once our eyes met I saw no more sadness in him. Instead I saw hatred and anger, years of frustration built up, exploding out of him towards me.

He seethed, "You, Isabella, are a drug addict. You know it's true, I know it's true. I hate it. I hate you because you let things get so far out of hand. I hate myself because I let this happen to you. I hate Eric for exposing you to this, but most of all I hate that for two years I tried to help you, I tried to make things right, and you wouldn't let me. I hate you because you aren't willing to change for me. You can't stop yourself, I'm not enough to make you stop, and I hate that I'm not enough for you. You are all I ever wanted, and I'm not enough to help you."

My body shook violently with the realizations of what he was saying. My head thrashed back and forth in denial, trying to push the ideas away. "No," I continued to mouth over and over again as the sobs racked my body. He was wrong, he had to be wrong.

I felt his grip on my arm loosen and compassion begin to lace his words again, "I tried to help you Iz, I tried so hard. I gave up everything to help you. I would have given my life if it meant saving you, but you wouldn't be saved, Iz. You wouldn't let me help you. Why wouldn't you let me? Why couldn't I be enough for you?"

But he was enough for me. How could he not see that? What could I say to prove to him that he was all I would ever want, the only thing I truly needed in my life?

"I would have walked through fire for you, Izzy. I overlooked so many things because I loved you. I thought that's what I was supposed to do – give you the benefit of the doubt. Eventually I realized I was just making things worse. I wasn't helping you at all. I would have died for you if I thought you had felt the same way about me, but you didn't. I didn't really see it until that last night. I couldn't admit it to myself until it was right in front of my face. That image is burned into my brain, Iz. For as long as I live I will never forget what I saw when I opened that door. You shattered me," he sadly told me, defeat thick in his voice.

"What…what did you see?" I said in a whisper, afraid to hear what he had to say.

His eyes closed and his head dropped. "I saw you with Eric. You were having sex with him, Iz. You didn't have enough money that night to pay him what you owed him, so instead you screwed him. On our living room floor, while you were wearing my grandmothers ring that I put on your finger. Our wedding announcements were scattered on the floor underneath you."

Oh my… No, please no. My body shuddered at the knowledge of what I had done. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up again.

"You know the worst part of it, Iz? When I kicked Eric out that night, he told me it wasn't the first time you'd done that with him, and he wasn't the only person you'd done it with either. He couldn't even remember how many other guys there were. He said he even remembered some girls too. All that time, I was killing myself trying to help you, and you were screwing anyone and everyone behind my back because you wanted drugs more than you wanted me. Do you have any idea how that made me feel?"

There was nothing I could say. I knew in that moment that he and I would never be together again. There was no way. I had broken things beyond repair. It was my fault. I had to let him go, let him be happy and live his life. He deserved better than what I had to give.

I couldn't go on without him, but I couldn't let him be with me either.

He laughed, "You know how sick I am, Izzy? I'm so twisted over you that if you promised me right here, right now, that you would get help, that you would let me help you; I would walk out of this hotel right now with you and never look back. I would give up everything in my life to be with you, and never have one regret for doing it. That's how much I want to be with you; how much I want to love you and take care of you. But I know you could never promise me that. You would never let me do that, and it breaks my heart."

I looked into his eyes, wishing there was something I could say to comfort him, to make things right, but knowing there was nothing that would ever be enough. I couldn't promise him the one thing he wanted. I had to let him go.

I stepped backwards, away from him, as he let his grasp on my arm fall. "Go," I whispered, "be happy. Please, don't worry about me. Just be happy, that's all I care about."

"Izzy, promise me something. Promise me that when Emmett finds out about this, you will let him help you. It's time you stopped this Iz, let him help you. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you. I love you so much, I always have and I always will, until the day I die. You are the love of my life. Please, let him help you. Can you do that for me?"

I looked at him once more, knowing it would be the last time, and I nodded my head, putting on the best smile I could muster. "I promise," I vowed, knowing it was a lie. Emmett would never find out. I would never give him the chance to help me.

He walked towards me, pulling me into his arms, hugging me tightly. He buried his nose in my hair and I could feel his body shaking with emotion. "I love you, my Izzy. I always will, no matter what. Don't ever forget that. No matter where I am, I belong to you and only you."

I wrapped my arms around him, clinging to him. I could hear movement in the hallway behind us, not knowing who was there. I felt Edward stiffen slightly and then pull away from me. His hands cupped my face, pulling it up to look at him. When our eyes met, he searched mine for assurance that I meant the words I spoke to him, that I really would let Emmett help me. He sighed and slowly lowered his face, placing his lips sweetly, tenderly against mine. He lingered there for a few moments before inching away.

His eyes opened slowly, soon finding mine, and he whispered softly, "I love you Isabella. No matter what, I love you."

He dropped his hands and stepped around me. As I turned to the side I saw Tori standing near the door, her shaking hand covering her mouth, fresh tears on her cheeks. Emmett was standing beside her with a questioning look on his face. Edward walked to Tori, took her hand, and left. Emmett and I stood in our places for a few moments before he finally approached me.

"Bella, are you okay honey? What happened?"

"I need to go home Emmett. Can you please take me home?"

"Yes, of course."

He put his arm around me and led me to the desk to retrieve my wrap and his jacket. We walked to his car, and then rode silently home. I had to let him go, give him a chance at a better life. I knew I was in no position to provide him with the future he wanted. I had to set him free. When we got to my apartment we remained sitting for several minutes before I finally spoke, staring at my hands folded in my lap.

"What you saw tonight, it was bad Emmett. I did some things to Edward that I can never take back. I hurt him in ways that no one should ever be hurt. And the things I did then are things that I'm still doing now. I don't want to hurt you Emmett. You are a good, sweet man, and if you stay with me I will only ruin you. I'm so sorry, I didn't realize before tonight the true extent of my actions and choices. I can't ask you to stay in a relationship that will end up destroying you. Please tell Alice that I'm so sorry, for everything. And please don't hate me for this Emmett. Its better this way, trust me."

I moved to open the door when Emmett spoke, "Bella, you're scaring me. What are you talking about? What's going on? What happened with Edward? You can tell me, let me help. I'm a big boy, Bella. Let me decide for myself what I can and can't handle."

I looked at him, the goodness radiating from him. I couldn't hurt him the way I had hurt Edward.

"Don't worry about me Em, its okay. I'm okay. I'm just tired and I need to rest. Things have been way out of hand for a long time and I just need to make some changes, fix some things. It will all be okay. Trust me, it's for the best." I leaned over, kissing him on the cheek. "You've been wonderful to me and I will never forget that. Thank you for making me happier than I have been in a long, long time. I almost forgot what it was like before, how sad I was. You made me almost forget that, so thank you."

He smiled, "Anytime Bella, anything for you."

I looked at his lovely face. "Good night Emmett. Good bye."

I stepped out of the car as he protested, asking me to let him help me out. I didn't stop, I just continued on, not wanting to see him again, choosing instead to remember him with a smile on his face.

I walked away from the car, towards my apartment, letting the sounds of him calling out to me fade into the background noise that filled the night air. Silently I hoped he would be happy someday, and that he wouldn't hate me the way Edward did. At least I was saving him from that heartache.

I entered my dark apartment, letting myself be overwhelmed by the blackness all around me. There was comfort in it, a peace I hadn't felt in years. I let out a long, labored, pained sigh and flipped the lights on. I hung up my purse and wrap, bending over to take off the new shoes I had bought special for tonight. I knew Alice would love to have them; I would make sure she got them. She had been a true friend to me, through all the ups and downs in my life. She was the closest thing I had to family and I adored her. She hoped that by introducing me to Emmett I would actually become family, and it might have worked out, but fate had other plans.

The kitchen was dark, but I knew exactly where the wine glasses were and the bottle of red wine I had recently bought. As I opened the refrigerator door to get the pills I kept hidden there, I saw the flowers Emmett brought me earlier in the evening. They were so bright and cheerful, just like he was. I pulled them out and held them to my chest, breathing in their tart scent. Once the door was closed and I was in darkness again, I realized that I couldn't see the vibrant colors anymore. I thought about how much my life was like that. When I had Edward, he was like a light shining on my life. Before him I had always been in the dark. When I was with him, things were vivacious and colorful, beautiful and warm, but after he left me, the light went out. My world went back to darkness and I knew I could never enjoy anything beautiful again. Emmett was like the flowers – bright, warm, and inviting to me – yet my world was too dark for me to see just how brilliant he was. His life would never be full if he stayed with me. I could never bring to him the joy and happiness that he deserved.

I held the flowers, wine bottle, glass, and pill bottle in my hands and walked to my bedroom. I set the flowers on my bed while placing the wine and glass on my bedside table. I held the tiny bottle in my hand, filled with sleeping pills that had been prescribed to me. They were the only legal drug that I had taken recently; everything else had been acquired by less than respectable means. Anyone who knew me would most likely be shocked to find out about my addiction; I wasn't the kind of person that would fall prey to something like drugs. I came from a nice home, I got good grades in school, my friends were law abiding citizens, and I had never even had a speeding ticket. I didn't look like a drug addict, but I knew I was one.

I emptied the bottle into my hand, quickly counting easily over 40 pills. I knew it was more than enough, but I didn't want to take any chances. I opened the wine and poured a glass for myself, swallowing the pills in several drinks. By the end of the second glass, the pills were all gone and there was nothing left to do but wait. I turned on my radio and was surprised to hear the local country station. I didn't usually listen to it but I remembered playing with the tuner a few days earlier and turning off the radio before putting it back on my regular station. Soon I recognized the song floating out of the speaker. It was a song from years ago that I had first heard while in high school. As I listened to the words, they took on a whole new meaning and I realized how well they applied to my situation.

I decided that I needed Edward to know what I was feeling. He had said so many things to me in the hallway earlier that evening, and yet I said close to nothing. This song fit exactly what I was thinking and I hoped that it would give him some peace of mind once he found out I couldn't keep the promises I had made him.

I took out a paper and started to write. I knew I only had a limited amount of time to do it, and I quickly scribbled a note to him.

_Edward,_

_I'm so sorry for everything I've done, for all the ways I've hurt you. You were the one true source of happiness to me and I know that my life didn't even begin until I met you. _

_I'm so sorry that I let things get out of hand. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you weren't enough. I'm sorry that I didn't have the strength to fight harder for us._

_You tried to help me, and I will eternally be grateful for that. There are so many things I need to tell you, but I can't bring myself to do it. I heard this song and wanted you to read the words. They are like a mirror into my soul._

_It took me by surprise, when I saw you standing there  
Close enough to touch, breathing the same air  
You asked me how I'd been, I guess that's when I smiled and said just fine  
Oh, but baby I was lying_

_What I really meant to say is I'm dying here inside  
And I miss you more each day there's not a night I haven't cried  
And baby here's the truth, I'm still in love with you  
That's what I really meant to say_

_And as you walked away, the echo of my words  
Cut just like a knife, cut so deep it hurt  
I held back the tears, held on to my pride and watched you go  
I wonder if you'll ever know_

_What I really meant to say is I'm really not that strong  
No matter how I try I'm still holding on  
And here's the honest truth,_ _I'm still in love with you  
That's what I really meant to say_

_Please forgive me. I tried the best I could; I just can't do it without you. I want you to be happy and I know you could never be if you stayed with me. _

_You are the one thing I am proud of in my life. The one good thing I ever did. Please love me, always, for I will always love you._

_I belong to you, my love._

_Izzy_

I signed the note with the name that only Edward called me and noticed my mind starting to get blurry. I picked up the picture of Edward and I together that I kept in a frame next to my bed. I traced his face with my fingertips, wondering at how one person could be so beautiful. He was so happy in the picture, I hadn't seen him that way in such a long time. Yet as I thought back over the night I could see some of that happiness in his smile as he stood holding onto Tori when I first saw him across the room. He really was happy, and it made me glad.

I lay down on my bed, waiting for sleep, and my mind began to clear. As it did I was surprised by the things I suddenly remembered.

I remembered the first time Eric offered to share his stash with me. It was right after my father had died, and I was deeply depressed. Edward tried to help me but it was no use. I was desperate and Eric made things sound so good, so easy. After the first time I felt better. After the second time I almost felt normal again. After the third time I was actually happy. I never looked back after that. Eric's magical cure was exactly what I needed.

I remembered the first time Edward found me stoned. He thought I was sick or that something was wrong with me. Then he saw the powder on the table and he knew it was something else. He beat Eric almost unconscious that night, only stopping when I begged him and promised that I would stop using. I did, for almost a week, but Edward had to go back to work eventually, and the first time I saw a picture of me and my father fishing when I was 8 years old, I called Eric. I didn't have any money but he said I could pay him in other ways.

I remembered the first time I has sex with someone other than Edward. I cried the whole time, but the physical need was greater than the emotional one in that moment. Eric was loyal to me and never told Edward about what he and I did together. He never told Edward about what I did with anyone. Somewhere in my troubled mind I thought Eric was my friend. I never saw that he was using me just like I was using him.

As my reality got hazier and I felt myself falling deeper into darkness, I was assaulted by one final vision – the night that haunted me. It was only right that I would be victim to it one last time; that it would be my final dream. Only this time as the nightmare played out, it was different. Things were skewed and twisted and I finally understood that all along I had never seen things the way they really happened. I had turned things around in my mind to make me the victim, when really it had been Edward all along.

I saw myself straddling the body of a man. He was buried deep inside me and I could hear his moans and grunts as he thrust up into me. I ran my finger nails over his naked chest, digging them deeper into him with each pass. I rocked back and forth, sliding up and down his hardness. His hands began squeezing my breasts as I threw my head back, closing my eyes. I saw a glorious face in my mind, the face of the man I wished was beneath me. I imagined his striking green eyes looking into mine, connecting with me like no other person ever had. I could feel his strong but smooth hands gripping my hips, pulling me down onto him. I could hear his voice calling my name. This man made me feel so good, so loved; I shut my eyes tighter to see him more clearly. As the man below me began to groan louder, I knew he was close. I moved my hand to where our bodies were joined, rubbing furiously at the pink bud that I knew would send me over the edge. I wanted to be done with this man so that I could return to the man in my vision. The rocking grew more exaggerated as my moans got louder, finally turning into screams as I felt myself fall into ecstasy. The orgasm erupted through my body just as I heard a door opening and a gasp.

I opened my eyes and turned to see Edward standing in the doorway, a pizza box dropping to the floor. I turned back to see Eric laying underneath me, still caught up in his orgasm. I noticed the stack of wedding announcements I had been addressing scattered across the floor, the diamond ring on my finger shining brightly against the fresh scratches on Eric's chest. I looked back towards Edward and saw him rushing towards me. He grabbed my arm, pulling me from atop Eric, dragging me up the stairs to our bedroom. He slammed the door behind us, grabbing clothes from my dresser drawer and throwing them at me. He began pacing back and forth, running his hands through his hair, as he waited for me to dress.

He finally stopped, looking at me, "What was that Iz? What were you doing down there?"

Something inside of me snapped. I screamed, "What do you think it was Edward? What did it look like to you?" I started laughing, "You are so easily fooled Edward. You have no idea what my life is. No idea what the hell I go through. No idea how fucking hard things are for me. You don't even care, do you?"

"Izzy, what are you talking about? How can you say I don't care about you? I have spent the last two years of my life trying to help you and you won't let me! Damn it, nothing I do is good enough, nothing makes a difference!" I could see the pain in his eyes, hear the sound of defeat in his voice, but something else within me was talking.

"I hate every fucking thing that you do Edward! I hate how you look at me, like I'm some poor little wreck that you need to save. I hate how you talk to me, reminding me to do things that I already know I need to do. I hate the way you touch me, like I'm going to break if you push or pull me too hard. I'm not made of glass, Edward; I'm not going to break. Eric knows that, he doesn't treat me like I'm a disgrace. He just fucks me and goes home! Why can't you ever do that for me?" Edward's face contorted into sheer pain, but I couldn't stop myself from pushing him further.

"You see whatever the hell you want to see in me, Edward. You don't take the time to look and see just how fucking messed up I really am. You have no idea how much I will mess you up. I have nothing to lose here, Edward! I have nothing! No family, no friends, no home, NOTHING!"

Tears began to well up in his eyes as he let out a strangled cry, his body crumbling to the floor. "You have me, Izzy, you have me."

I looked down at him with hatred in my eyes, "Damn it Edward, haven't you figured it out yet? I. Don't. Want. You."

I grabbed at the ring on my left hand, pulling it off my finger and throwing it to the ground. With that I walked out of the room, never looking back at him. I left him on the floor, crying out for me to come back.

It was him crying on the floor, not me. It was me screaming the horrible things, not him. The shock of that realization stirred me from the deep, endless sleep that was slowly overtaking me. He was better off without me. He deserved better than what I could offer him. He would be happy with Tori. He would have the life I never could have given him: children, a home, friends, and joy – all the things I would never have been able to provide. His life would be good.

I opened my eyes to see his face one last time, the picture lying next to me on the bed. My finger slowly traced his smile, memorizing the beauty it held. With my last breaths I mumbled the only thing that ever truly mattered to me, "I love you, Edward. Always."

I closed my eyes as the darkness crept over me, pulling me deeper, until there was nothing left but his face.

* * *

**A/N: As you can tell, after an unbelievable amount of reviews and support, I decided to continue this. It should be fun…**


	2. AN Edward POV Continuation

**A/N: ***Just a little note to let you know…*****

**The first of four chapters of an Edward POV for **_**What I Really Meant To Say**_** has posted. I decided to do a new story for this little sob fest and it's called -- **

_**All The Things We Never Said.**_

**http://www . fanfiction . net/s/5701403/1/**

**It takes place immediately following the end of **_**WIRMTS**_** and it's in Edward's POV. It's sad and angsty and you may very well need Kleenex before we're done, but I've tried really hard to make it as real as possible, so I hope you'll give it a try.**

**If you can't handle the sadness, don't worry. I am working on a HEA for this story too. I wanted to get this other ending posted first since it's so much shorter than the HEA continuation will be. Those chapters will be posted here, on this story thread, so you can just keep an eye out for more activity here.**

**I hope you like the Edward drama and I hope you'll stick around for me to take a crack at their HEA.**

**Just remember, Happy Endings are relative…they really just depend on your idea of happy. :)**

**beegurl13**


	3. Chapter 2 She Sleeps

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is a birthday, and it's today, so that's why I decided to post this now. :) Happy Birthday to Me, right? :D**

**I need to thank everyone who read and reviewed the original o/s. When I said I'd continue this if I got 100 reviews, I NEVER imagined it would get anywhere close to that, but as it sits right this very second, the o/s (chapter 1) has 96 reviews, and I know of at least 15 other people that read it and just told me what they thought. Wow, you guys are incredible. I could not have been more shocked or surprised by your reaction to this story. Thank you…**

*****Read This*****

**This is an alternate ending to the o/s I wrote. I also posted another ending, it's called **_**All The Things We Never Said**_**, and it's the story of what would have happened to Edward if Bella really had died. Obviously this story will have her NOT dying. Hopefully you aren't too confused… :D**

**Thanks to my superbeta **_**MaggieMay14**_**. I'm so grateful that she agreed to take me on, even knowing how wordy I can get. I think she really did it so that maybe I'd fill her in on secrets and she'd get the chapters before anyone else. Whatever reason it was, it's too late now! She's stuck with me! :D**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 **_**& **_**Unchanged Affections **_**for prereading this. I know some other authors say that their prereaders are the best out there, but they are wrong. I have the best ones ever, and they catch things I didn't even realize were messed up. :D I love them…so much.**

**And thanks to my girlies - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, **_**and**_** coldplaywhore. **_**I love them more than they will ever know…and you should too because they are incredible and awesome and fun and smart and…perfection.**

**The majority of chapters will be from Bella's POV since this is her story to tell, but at the beginning here, she's a little out of it, so we're getting some help. Enjoy…**

**o~*~o~*~o~*~o**

**Alice POV**

_Ring…Ring…_

What is that?

_Ring…_

Seriously, what the crap is that sound?

_Ring…_

Is that my phone? What…

_Ring…_

Oh no, you have got to be kidding me. It's almost midnight and someone is calling me?

_Ring…_

You idiot, didn't your mother teach you any manners at all?

_Ring…_

I swear, if I have to get out of this bed to answer a wrong number call, someone is going to get an ear full from me. Don't people know that I need my sleep? After working six days a week, all I demand is a little peace and quiet at the end of the day. Is that really too much to ask?

_Silence._

Finally, the jerk wad got it through their head—calls this late at night are just rude!

I snuggled back down into my blankets, pushing my body deeper into Jasper's. There was never a way for me to get close enough to him; sometimes I wished I could melt into his skin, never leave his side. He was actually home with me tonight and I had taken full advantage of it. After a nice romantic dinner, which I bought on my way home from work, we watched a movie and then settled into a relaxing bubble bath together, talking about our days. Excitedly I told him all about my lunch hour, how I had helped my friend Bella find the perfect dress and shoes for her date with Emmett.

Setting her up with my cousin Emmett was one of the best ideas I'd had in ages. I'd met Bella about a year ago when she started working at the publishing company I worked for. I liked her instantly, yet I could tell there was something bad in her past; some kind of hurt that left her with a haunted look in her eyes. She never dated, had no family, and only ever mentioned one roommate from college; I couldn't understand it. She was smart and beautiful and had a wicked sense of humor once she loosened up a bit. I knew she would be a great fit for Emmett, and after their first date, she and I spend hours gushing over him. Having initiated the discussion, I did feel a little strange talking about my cousin in that way, but Bella seemed so happy, finally. I may have had to push her into it a little, but she quickly began to see that Emmett really was a good catch, and not too bad to look at either.

They spent a lot of time together, insisting that they were just friends and enjoying each others company, but I knew Emmett had spent a few nights at her apartment. After seeing her car in his drive way at a very unreasonable hour one morning, I was sure that they were enjoying more than just each others company.

Jasper and I loved having another couple to go to movies with or go bowling with, and we all got along great. Bella sometimes seemed a little standoffish in certain situations, but I just chalked it up to the look she would get in her eyes. I never asked her about it, deciding that if she really wanted to talk to someone, she knew I was available. One night after a little karaoke and a lot of drinking, she let a man's name slip from her tongue. _Edward._ As soon as she heard it spoken aloud, she clammed up and insisted on going home. When I tried talking to her about it in the cab on the way to her apartment, all she said was that he had been the one, and she was broken.

How some man could destroy an amazing girl like that, I would never understand. I only hoped that for his sake, this Edward and I never met face to face. Bella was better off without him, she deserved someone who would worship and adore her the way that Emmett did. I encouraged their relationship, hoping that someday she would really be my family and our children could grow up as cousins. I dreamed of going to family reunions together; renting an RV and taking road trips in the summer; hectic Thanksgiving dinners that we cooked as our children and husbands ran wild through the house. It was all planned out, Bella and Emmett just didn't know it yet. They would be so happy, I could feel it.

As my mind began to clear and sleep once again settled over me, I heard the unwelcome sound again.

_Ring…_

Jumping up quickly, I threw my blankets off and stood up, rushing to the dresser where my phone sat blinking like a beacon on the dark ocean. Jabbing at the Call button, I quickly lifted it to my ear.

"Who is this?" I yelled loudly, causing Jasper to stir in our bed.

"Alice?" I knew the voice, but my tired brain was not registering anything.

"Maybe, who is this? And why on God's green earth are you calling me at eleven-forty two at night? Huh?"

There was a pause before the voice continued, quieter. "Ali, it's Emmett. I think something's wrong with Bella."

I could hear something strange in his voice—fear. I thought as fast as my tired brain was able and realized I'd never heard Emmett scared before. It worried me.

"Em, what are you talking about? Is she okay? Where are you guys?" I asked.

"I'm sitting outside her apartment. We went to dinner and she saw some guy that she knew. She was crying and wanted to go home, so I brought her home. I was going to walk her to the door, stay with her for a while, but she got really weird. She told me that she would hurt me and to not be angry with her, and she told me to tell you that she was sorry. I'm really worried, I think something's wrong."

I felt a tightening in my stomach as I listened to his words. I walked over to the bed, reaching out and shaking Jasper to wake him. His eyes soon opened and he looked up at me.

"Al, what's wrong? What is it?" he said through his sleep hazed voice.

"It's Emmett, he thinks something's wrong with Bella. I don't feel very good about this, What do we do Jazz." My bottom lip started to shake and I could feel tears begin to sting my eyes.

He sat up, seeing the phone in my hand, and pulled me into his lap, taking the phone from me.

"Emmett, this is Jasper. What's going on?"

I listened as Emmett relayed the conversation he'd had with Bella to Jasper. As I curled deeper into Jasper's chest I could hear his heart beating and it calmed me. He was always so relaxed and calm in stressful situations, something I loved about him and something that made him good at his job.

"Em, did you knock on her door? Uh huh, and there's only one light on? You're sure? Okay, let me ask her."

He turned to me, moving the phone from his mouth. "Ali, you still got that spare key to Bella's apartment?" I nodded silently, knowing that it was tucked away in my wallet. He moved the phone back to his mouth.

"Okay, Em, she does. We'll be there in about ten minutes. Just wait by her door, keep knocking and let us know if she ever opens up, okay?"

In a flash we were up and throwing clothes on. I hated that it was still dark in the room, my mind too worried to remember to turn on a light. The clothes I was wearing would surely clash, but I didn't care. I had a terrible feeling that Bella needed me and I couldn't get my body to move fast enough out the door.

As Jasper sped down the streets, only slowing for stop signs before running through them, the dread in my stomach grew. Something was very wrong, I could feel it. By the look on Jasper's face, he could feel it too. We pulled into the parking lot and came to a screeching stop, jumping from the car and grateful for the keyless remote door locks it had. Emmett was kneeling next to Bella's door, still knocking and talking softly through the wood, hoping that she was listening to him. I took the stairs two at a time and practically flew to the door, thrusting the key in and unlocking it.

As I pushed my way in, the room was dark. I could see light coming from the hallway, where Bella's bedroom was. I'd seen her bedroom light on as we drove up, so I wasn't surprised.

"Bella?" I called out, hoping that she would answer. I heard nothing.

Walking further into the apartment with Jasper and Emmett close behind me, I made my way toward the bedroom, seeing the door slightly ajar. The music floating out of the room was country, and I was a little surprised to hear it since I knew Bella didn't usually listen to that type of music. I turned to the boys, pausing in front of the door.

"Let me check first, okay? She might not be dressed, I wouldn't want her to be embarrassed or anything." I gave them a reassuring grin before I turned back to the door. They both backed up a bit, giving me a little room.

I gently pushed the door open, hearing the high pitched creak it made. Her bed jutted out into the middle of the room and I saw her feet, my eyes moving up her body as the door opened wider. She was lying on the bed; a picture frame lay on her chest. She was sleeping, and she looked so calm and peaceful—her hair splayed out across the pillow her head rested on. Moving into the room, I saw a wine bottle and glass on her bedside table, and silently applauded her choice in wine.

Turning to face Jasper, who was right behind me, I whispered, "See, she's just sleeping. I think we should go."

He continued to push past me, pausing when he saw her. His eye flashed towards the table and when I looked again, my eyes took in a small, yellow bottle. Everything after that happened so fast, it seemed as though it was in slow motion and fast forward, both at the same time.

"She's not breathing!" Jasper shouted, rushing toward the bed.

I moved my gaze back to Bella, focusing on the blue color of her lips. Emmett shoved me aside as he burst into the room behind Jasper. Both of them leaned over the bed, Jasper's voice yelling things that I couldn't understand.

"Emmett, phone! Call 911!" Jasper yelled as he threw the frame away from Bella. His skilled hands had her pillow gone, her head tilted back, and were pushing furiously in a rhythm on her chest. I watched as he breathed into her mouth, never more grateful for his skills as an EMT. I knew he was capable of saving lives, but I'd never seen it first hand. A prayer that he would be able to do it again flooded my mind—he had to save Bella.

From the other side of the room I heard Emmett's booming voice shouting into the phone, something about ambulances and drug overdoses. His eye bore into mine as I looked at him and he yelled for me to get out, but I was frozen. I looked back to Jasper, watching as he desperately tried to bring Bella back.

After a minute or two I was aware of a high pitched sound floating through the room. I looked around for the source of it but saw nothing. Where was it coming from? Couldn't anyone else hear it and stop it? Emmett was yelling something at me, but I couldn't hear him over the sound. He nudged me out of the way as he hurried to the living room door, running outside to wait for the ambulance.

Jasper continued his ministrations and I wondered how long he could keep it up before he would be too tired to continue. Would I know what to do if he had to stop? I hoped that the EMT's would be here before that; I didn't think I would be able to help. I couldn't be the reason Bella died.

Soon I heard another sound, almost as loud as the one still ringing through the apartment, and I realized help was here. Watching the front door, I waited for someone, anyone, who could help Jasper; someone who could save Bella. The men came scrambling through the door behind Emmett, eyeing the doorway I was still standing in. They advanced into the room, going around me, and I heard Jasper's voice again, calmness in the sea of chaos that was drowning me. He gestured to them as they got to work, trying to help Bella.

As I stood still frozen in the doorway, Jasper's eyes found mine and he hurried to my side. The sound in the room was still so loud; I couldn't hear what he was saying to me. He took my face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs over my cheeks, and the sound disappeared. It was then I realized—the sound had been coming from me.

He pulled me into the hallway, and I lost sight of Bella. My arms and legs began to thrash involuntarily against him, trying to carry me back to her. She needed me and I couldn't leave her alone in that room with those men. Emmett stood frozen in the entryway to the living room, his eyes staring a hole in the floor. His shoulders were shaking and as I looked at him, I could almost feel his emotions, his despair at what we'd all just walked in on.

"Em," I quietly called to him, my voice shaking as my body stilled against Jasper's calming grip. He looked over at me, his eyes meeting mine, and I was nearly bowled over by the haunted look that greeted me—he thought she was gone.

"Alice, why did she do this?" he asked, his voice soft and filled with terror.

Jasper continued to calm me, stroking my hair and my arms as I began to pull away from him. He tightened his grasp on me but I pressed my hands against his chest, looking into his eyes and silently pleading for him to let me go, let me help Emmett. He nodded, understanding instantly what I needed. I rushed to Emmett, wrapping my arms around him just before his knees buckled and he slid to the floor. I ended up on his lap, hugging him fiercely and speaking gentle words of comfort and hope.

In the background we could still hear the men working on her: the sound of machines being started, inconsistent beeps pinging, compressions on a delicate ribcage. Each time I heard what sounded like a bone cracking, my body jerked. I pressed my hands over Emmett's ears, hoping to spare him the sounds of dying that were coming from the other room. Tears continued to slide down my face as I watched Jasper, who stood in the bedroom doorway, eagerly observing the men that were frantically trying to save Bella.

"I got something," one of the men finally said after what felt like a lifetime. Jasper immediately straightened up, his eyes drawn to something specific in the room. I could see his hands shaking, itching to help. This was his job, and he was good at it, but he knew that he was too closely involved—it wouldn't be a good idea for him to assist now that help had arrived.

More sirens began blaring in the distance and I wondered what they might be for, but my questions were soon answered when I saw two police officers at the front door.

"Jazz," I called, alerting him to their presence. He quickly walked over to the door, greeting the officers and showing them in. I could tell by his expression that he knew at least one of them, and I seemed to recall seeing the man at a company picnic once. Jasper led them over to Emmett and me, slowly crouching down next to us.

"Ali, they need to talk to us, try to figure out what happened tonight." He glanced down at the floor and let out a deep breath. "They're gonna need to talk to Emmett especially, he's the last one that saw her before this happened."

My mind raced with possibilities, and before long I was breathing erratically, and shaking my head.

"No, they're gonna think he did something to her. No, they can't talk to him, he'd never hurt her. Stop them, Jazz, tell them no." I pleaded with him, but he reached up and placed his hand against my cheek.

"Sweetheart, they don't think that. It's pretty clear what happened here, I mean with the note and all. It's just a formality," he said.

My brow furrowed. "Note? Wha—what note? What are you talking about?"

Jasper looked deep into my eyes, willing me to calm. "She left a note. It's on her bed next to the flowers that were there. It's addressed to an Edward; I saw the name on the top of the page when I first assessed her condition. I'm guessing the picture she was holding was of him?"

I hadn't ever seen the picture she held on her chest when we entered the apartment, but it was upside down so I didn't even see the face displayed in it.

"I—I don't know, I didn't see it," I told him.

Emmett began to look around a bit, finally looking at me before speaking. "The guy we saw at the party, his name was Edward. You think that was the guy she wrote the note to?"

I looked at him, desperate for details. "She saw Edward at the party? As in her old boyfriend, or whatever, Edward?"

He nodded, "Yeah, they were something, but I think he was more than just a boyfriend. They were both really upset after they talked."

I sat straight up. "She spoke to him? What did she say?"

Emmett shook his head, "I don't know, they were in the hallway together, but they were both crying and I heard him tell her that he loved her, and then he kissed her and left."

This didn't make sense to me. Everything I knew about Edward led me to believe that he had broken her heart, so why would he be doing something like that to her if he didn't want her?

"You're sure it was Edward? Bella's, Edward?" I asked.

Emmett looked me straight in the eyes, "His name was Edward. He's engaged to a girl from my office. We saw them, Bella got uncomfortable, Tori and I danced while Bella and this Edward guy danced. When the song got over, Tori and I didn't see them anywhere, but the door was open so we went out into the hallway, and that's where we saw them. Tori got really quiet and whispered some things under her breath, then after a few seconds, Edward saw us. Bella had been crying, but she acted fine, just saying that she wanted to go home."

I was stunned. I had no idea who this Edward could be or what he'd done to her, but if he hated her as much as Bella made it sound when she spoke of him, why would he want to dance with her? Why would he tell her that he loved her? Why would he kiss her goodbye? It just didn't make sense, but I knew I needed to see that note she'd written. That would tell me so much about why she'd done this.

The police officers approached and one of them spoke.

"Evening folks, I'm Officer Uley, I hope you'll be able to give us a few minutes so we can figure out what happened here tonight." He smiled at me and I knew for sure that I had met him. I had actually spent a few minutes talking to his wife, Emily, about how dangerous the jobs were that our men had chosen.

I scooted off of Emmett's lap, taking Jasper's hand as he pulled me up and to him, wrapping his arm around me until I was flush against his body. Just then we heard the EMT's moving around in the bedroom, a faint beeping coming from their direction. They exited the room, pulling a gurney with them. On top of it lay Bella, wrapped in blankets and with an oxygen mask on her face.

One of the EMT's stopped quickly to talk to Officer Uley. "We left the room in tact, you can go through it for your report. The only thing we're taking is the pill bottle that was on the nightstand. It was empty, but I'm sure that's because she took them all. I need to give it to the emergency room doctors so they know exactly what medication they're dealing with."

Officer Uley began walking out the door with them and my eyes were focused on Bella. I wondered if that would be the last time I'd see her, and as quickly as I could, I broke away from Jasper's hold and ran to her.

"Bella, I'm so sorry we were late, we didn't get here sooner. Please, hold on! Don't leave me, Bella. Please, don't leave us." I bent and placed a kiss on her forehead, smoothing back her hair.

"I'm sorry miss, we need to go. Your friend is very sick, we need to get her to the hospital as soon as possible. We were lucky to get her back once; I don't think we could do it again."

With that, they whisked her out the door and I soon heard the ambulance driving away. Officer Uley came back into the apartment and went to speak with Jasper. The other officer was talking to Emmett, taking lots of notes. My curiosity won out, and I quietly slipped into Bella's bedroom.

Sitting down on the foot of the bed, so as not to disturb anything, I looked around the room. I was surprised to not see any personal pictures. There was nothing showing any family or friends anywhere in the room. It peaked my interest and I wondered how that could be, how such an amazing girl could have no one in her life. It saddened me and I thought it must have something to do with why Bella tried to kill herself that night.

Turning around, I saw the flowers lying on the bed, and next to them was a crisp, white paper with writing on it. I leaned back, not wanting to touch it and mess up any evidence. I read the name _Edward_ at the top, and then quickly scanned the rest of the note. I was confused. The song she quoted was one that I knew well since Jasper harbored a love for country music that no self respecting straight man not from the south would ever own up to.

The words that Bella had written to this Edward made me sad for her. The more I read, the more I wondered. This was not the Bella that I knew. This Bella was apologizing for ruining someone's life, for hurting someone, for not being enough for the person. It was the end of the note that got me the most, and reading her words nearly broke me.

_Please forgive me. I tried the best I could; I just can't do it without you. I want you to be happy and I know you could never be if you stayed with me. _

_You are the one thing I am proud of in my life. The one good thing I ever did. Please love me, always, for I will always love you._

_I belong to you, my love._

_Izzy_

Whoever this Edward man was, she loved him completely. I wondered why, if she felt this way about Edward, she had ever agreed to date Emmett. Then I remembered how I had pushed her into it.

This was partly my fault. I had to fix things, make them right. I couldn't let Bella's life end this way. I had to help her, and that's what I would do, no matter what.

Jasper silently entered the room, placing his hands on my shoulders. "Alice, we need to go. The police have to go through the room and process everything, and we need to be at the hospital in case Bella wakes up."

"What about Em, is he done talking to them?" I asked, not feeling comfortable leaving without him.

"Yeah, he's about done for now. They'll talk to him more later, once they know what information they need from him. He's probably waiting for us, so let's go." I hesitated, glancing around the room one more time, trying to see anything that would help all of this make sense for me. I noticed the frame laying on the bed, tossed aside in haste as Jasper had worked to save Bella. Tempted to pick it up, my thoughts were interrupted by Jasper's hesitant voice. "Ali?"

"Let's go," I whispered, slowly rising off the bed and taking hold of Jasper's arm. Emmett was sitting quietly on the sofa in the living room, a blank look on his face. The fact that we were all overcome with shock did not escape me, and I prayed, yet again, that Bella would recover—that we would all be able to move past this someday.

Jasper drove quickly to the hospital as I racked my brain for anyone that we should notify. I couldn't remember Bella ever mentioning any family members, which still seemed odd to me. I recalled her talking about her college roommate, Rose or something, but I had no idea of how to get a hold of her. Maybe Emmett would be able to help me with that.

The emergency room waiting area was surprisingly not busy, especially for a Friday night. I had heard stories from Jasper about how the crazies usually came out on the weekends, but I was grateful for the quiet of the stark white room, the coolness of the plastic chairs, and burning smell of antiseptic. We waited for what felt like years before a rather tired, but handsome, middle aged doctor called for friends of Isabella Swan. I jumped at his voice, rushing across the room to find out anything I could.

The doctor's eyes lit up when Jasper approached, and I could tell by his reaction that they knew one another.

"Dr. Cullen, I'm so glad you're here tonight. Can you tell us anything about Bella? My fiancée Alice is going crazy, we're all so worried." Jasper placed his hand on the small of my back, drawing me into his body with a protective hold.

"Jasper, it's nice to see you. I didn't know that you knew Bella. Do you mind if I ask how that is?" the doctor asked Jasper, a rather confused and curious look dawning on his face.

"Yeah, um, Alice works with her. She has for the better part of the last year. Why? Do you know Bella?" Jasper asked.

The doctor smiled a little, nodding as he looked down toward the floor and let out a deep breath. "Yes, I know Bella. She was practically family, but we haven't seen her in just over a year. I didn't know how she was, but I must say I had been waiting for this night to come. I'm sure you can understand that."

Emmett, Jasper, and I looked at each other, not knowing what the doctor was talking about.

Emmett spoke up. "I'm sorry, Dr. Cullen, was it? We don't know what you mean. Why were you waiting for this night to come?"

The doctor looked between all of us before settling his gaze on me. The bright, ice blue of his eyes was somewhat unsettling to me, yet I felt comforted and at peace. "How well do you know Bella?"

"She's one of my best friends," I said quietly. "Please, is she okay?"

"Let's go sit down in my office, its right around the corner here. Bella's friend Rosalie is on her way, I spoke with her a few minutes ago and she should be here shortly. We can get settled and wait for her."

The three of us followed him into his office, each taking a seat on the brown leather sofa in his office. As I looked around the room, I was happy to see the certificates showing the schooling and achievements that Dr. Cullen had accomplished. It put my mind at ease knowing that Bella was in such good hands. We sat for a few minutes, an eerie calm settling over us. There was a commotion in the hall way and soon a statuesque, blonde woman who looked like she has stepped straight off the pages of Vogue magazine ran into the room, followed by a very tall, dark haired man with the deepest brown eyes I had ever seen.

"Carlisle? Where is she?" the woman asked in a rush, slowly turning to notice there were more people in the room than just the doctor. "What's this? Who are they?" She looked at us with perplexity and panic in her eyes, the man behind her moving to wrap his arms around her waist. She seemed to relax a bit at his touch, before looking back to Dr. Cullen.

"Rosalie, Jacob, I'm glad that you could get here so soon. I'd like to introduce you to some of Bella's friends. This is Jasper, and...I'm sorry, I didn't catch your names." Dr. Cullen looked to me and Jasper quickly spoke up.

"I'm Jasper Whitlock, and this is my fiancée Alice Brandon. This is her cousin Emmett McCarty," he said, as the look the blonde was giving us went from curious to icy and hard.

"So, you're her friends, huh? Why are you here? Haven't you done enough?" she spat at us, her voice rising quickly as she pushed away from the man behind her. "Get out! You're not welcome here, just leave her alone!"

Dr. Cullen jumped up from his seat, running around the desk to stop her from lunging at Emmett. "Rose, no! These are her friends now, not from before."

I had no idea what was going on, or why this woman that we had just met seemed to hate us. I stood quickly and felt Jasper's hand on my hip, trying to pull me back to him.

"I'm Alice, I work with Bella. She's been my best friend for the past year, and I have no idea what is going on here. My cousin Emmett has been dating Bella for the last few months, and Jasper is an EMT, he's the one that helped Bella when we got to her apartment. Please, will one of you tell us what is going on? Why did Bella do this? We don't understand!" Frustration was growing fast and I needed answers, having almost reached my limit.

"Alice, please sit, let me explain," the doctor said as Jacob helped Rosalie into a chair across from us before seating himself next to her. "I've known Bella for quite some time. In all actuality, up until about a year ago, we were her family." My breath caught, wondering what had happened a year ago to stop that.

"Bella was engaged to my son, Edward. They were planning to get married when all of this happened. Edward told me that he had known about Bella's issues for about two years and had tried desperately to help her. He loved her and thought it would be enough to fix her, but it just didn't work out that way. One night after a fight, Bella left. None of us have heard from her since then. We've looked, asked around, but the people she associated with outside of us and her work were not the most reliable sources, nor were they willing to help us since we wanted to keep Bella away from them." He paused, reaching up to rub his forehead in a look of exhaustion.

"What do you mean _her issues_? What kind of problems does she have?" I asked.

Dr. Cullen looked up at me, tenderness in his eyes. "Bella is a drug addict, Alice. She's had a pretty hard life and after her father was killed, she had no one but us. She didn't handle things very well, and a "friend" offered her something to help curb the depression she was experiencing. She got hooked and couldn't stop. Edward never told us about it until after she left. He was destroyed over her, but he has never given up hope that she would clean herself up and come back to him."

I sensed Emmett cringing next to me, knowing that as much as he felt for Bella, it was likely that she never felt those same feelings for him in return.

"I had no idea. How could I have spent so much time with her and never seen anything?" I asked, looking to Jasper and wondering how he had missed all the signs he was trained to see as well.

"Bella was good at hiding things. No one knew but Edward and the people who were dealing to her," Dr. Cullen said. "She hid it well, and it's not something she was proud of. It's also not the worst of the things she did, but that is neither here nor there."

Sucking in a quick breathe, I silently prayed for more information, begging Dr. Cullen with the look I gave him, but he spoke no more, only leaning back against his desk and sighing deeply.

"I was her best friend since even before she met Edward, and I never knew," Rosalie said. After hearing this information, I understood why she had been so hateful to us when she initially entered the room. She thought we were drug addicts too. "Bella is so good, I don't know how she let this happen, but I don't care. We've been looking for her, like Carlisle said, but we hadn't found her yet. We all knew something like this would happen sooner or later."

"What kind of drugs was she taking? I mean, she had a pill bottle next to her bed, so she wasn't doing illegal things, was she?" I asked.

Dr. Cullen looked over at me. "She did a lot of different things, Alice, and none of them were healthy, but she's here now and we have a chance to help her. It's going to take all of us, but maybe—just maybe we can get her to listen. If you had been any later in finding her tonight, it would have been too late. Actually, the thing that most likely saved her was that Jasper was there and knew what to do. He saved her in those few extra minutes."

Jasper shook his head as everyone looked at him. "I just did what needed to be done, nothing more." He was always so humble and giving. I sat back down next to him, curling into his side as his arms wrapped around my shoulders.

"So, what do we do? I'll do whatever I have to do to help her," Emmett said, clenching his fists and gritting his teeth. I knew he cared a lot about her, but I suddenly wondered what would happen if this Edward was to come back into the picture. He obviously still loved her, so it wasn't out of the question.

I glanced around the room and noticed several framed pictures on a shelf. One of the frames held a black and white photograph of two people, one of which was Bella. She looked so happy, light and warmth radiating from her, which I could feel even though it was just a picture. I had never seen her look that way. She was held tightly by the arms of a man who stood behind her. He was looking down at her, so much love and affection clear in his expression. I saw her hands clasped over his forearms, his arms draped around her shoulders, and I smiled at the ring I saw on her finger. This was her Edward, and I finally had a face to put with the name. Part of me still clung to the hatred I had built up for him, but everything I had seen and heard in the past few minutes told me I was completely mistaken. He was nothing like I had envisioned him to be.

I wondered where he was, if his father had called him. Would he come here? What would he think of us? Would he be angry that we hadn't caught on to her troubles?

"Carlisle, did you call Edward? Does he know?" Rosalie asked, and I was grateful to her for it.

Dr. Cullen shook his head. "No, I haven't called him yet. I spoke with him earlier this evening, a little before Bella was brought in, and he was rather upset. He said he had seen her, and spoken to her, but that she was still sick. He's moving to New York next week with his fiancée, Tori, and he's very confused. I'm just not sure if it would be good for him to know about Bella right now."

"Carlisle," Rose stood, moving to stand next to the doctor, "you have to tell him. You can't keep this from him; he'll be crushed if you do."

"I know I just hoped to be able to spare him the sight of her lying there so helpless. I didn't want him to know that she did this, that she tried to kill herself. I don't know how he'll react." Dr. Cullen was visibly upset, shaken by the thought of what his son might do.

Rose placed her hand on the doctor's shoulder, rubbing it soothingly. "I'll call him, if you want me to."

"Thank you Rose, but I think I need to do that. I'll do it later, when I call his mother. For now, Bella is sedated and will most likely remain that way for a day or two. We will be doing tests to see how badly she might have damaged her organs, if she's going to be able to recover from this. Bodies aren't made to take this type of abuse, and not for as long as she has been doing it. I just don't know yet what the outcome will be for her." I was thankful that the doctor was being honest with us. My eyes kept wandering back to the picture of Bella, the happy smile on her face. She looked amazing and I wondered if, after looking at that picture, I would even recognize the girl lying helpless in a hospital bed.

"Dr. Cullen, I don't know if this makes a difference, but Bella wrote a note. Your son's name was on the top of it. You may want to talk to the police about getting a copy of that, but I would bet Edward would want to see it. I know I would, if it were me." Jasper said, taking hold of my hand and squeezing it as he pulled me in closer to him.

"Thank you Jasper, I'll look into that." Carlisle looked at each of us before continuing. "I've got some nurses checking on Bella's medical insurance and seeing what they cover as far as rehabilitation facilities are concerned, but I think our best bet is to get her into one soon. To be completely honest, it's our only bet. We need to present a united front to her, not give her any other option."

I nodded, agreeing with Dr. Cullen and hoping that we would be able to convince Bella that this was a good thing for her to do. Knowing that she could be stubborn when she wanted to, I prayed that she would listen to us and know that all we wanted was for her to be healthy and safe.

"Why don't you all head home for tonight and I'll have someone call you if there is any change. I'm planning to keep her sedated at least through tomorrow night, so we've got plenty of time to figure out what our plan is. Would you all be willing to meet tomorrow evening, say six o'clock, and we can decide from there?" Carlisle asked.

We all agreed, assuring him that we would be there and anxious to help Bella. "This is not going to be easy. I urge you each to really think about this tonight, you need to be firm in your resolve because she will try whatever she must to keep herself from going to get help. It won't be her talking, so please keep that in mind."

I couldn't ignore the little pestering in the back of my brain. "Dr. Cullen, is it safe to keep her sedated for so long? I mean, you use drugs for that, right? Can she get hooked on those?" I didn't know what the process entailed and I was worried about Bella being further damaged somehow.

"There is no need to worry, the medication we are giving her is not something that she can become addicted to, though it will help her deal with the first bit of withdrawal she'll experience. Her body is going to be coming down off the substances she's been taking, and like I said, she will not be herself a few days from now. Don't take anything personally; just remember that you're doing this because you love her."

"Um, Dr. Cullen?" I quietly asked. He nodded, acknowledging me. "Can we see her before we go? Just for a few minutes. I need to see that she's alive, that she isn't blue anymore." I heard a gasp from Rosalie and realized that she most likely didn't know the condition Bella was in when we found her.

"Yes, you can each see her, but no more than two at a time, alright?" I nodded and jumped up from my seat, pulling Jasper along with me. I ran out into the hall, quickly realizing I had no idea where Bella was. Dr. Cullen stepped out of the room and led us down a few different hallways. We finally came to a large glass walled area and as we got closer, I could see a few patients inside. Looking harder, I finally caught a glimpse of Bella, lying in the center of the room. There was no one near her, save one nurse. It broke my heart to see her like that, tubes and monitors everywhere.

Dr. Cullen spoke quickly to the nurse on duty and then ushered Jasper and I into the room. I hesitantly reached out and picked up her hand, being careful of the IV that was pushed into the back of it. Her skin was cold and rough, feeling dry, and I made a mental note to bring hand cream with me the next day. I hoped that maybe Bella would let me rub her hands while I tried to talk to her about what was going on. I leaned down over her body, angling my head so that I could whisper into her ear.

"Bella, please don't leave us. I don't know what I'll do without you. Please, come back." My breath hitched and I felt Jasper's calming touch on my lower back, his fingers making small circles there as he tried to comfort me.

I stood back up, looking at her and taking in everything that I saw. Aside from all the tubes and monitors, there was a tube down her throat and I knew she wouldn't be able to talk to us with it in. I asked Dr. Cullen if it could be removed once she was awake and he assured me that it would be. I saw the blankets piled on her and wondered if she would be too warm, if maybe I should ask that a fan be brought into the area. Looking back at her face, I saw that she still had on her make-up from the party she and Emmett had attended. There were black smudges around her mouth and when I lifted a finger to touch them, Jasper quietly spoke.

"That's from the charcoal, I'm sure they pumped her stomach when they brought her in," he said. The thought of it made me cringe and I gently laid her hand back on the bed next to her thigh. Stepping closer, I kissed my fingers and placed them on her forehead.

"She sleeps." My fingers lay on her skin for a moment before I drew my hand back and quickly turned to leave. After a few more minutes, everyone else had seen her and we were ready to leave. My heart ached at the thought of her being alone, even if she was unconscious, and I looked to Jasper, pleading with my eyes. As always, he knew what I needed, and he nodded in acceptance.

"Dr. Cullen?" I asked.

"Yes, Alice."

"Can I stay the night with her? Please?" Looking through the windows at her, tears began to pool in my eyes. "She shouldn't be alone, not even for one night." I turned to meet his gaze and saw a small smile on his face.

"Yes, Alice, I think that's a good idea." His words triggered a reaction in me and I soon felt myself let out a long, deep breath that I wasn't even aware I had been holding. I said goodnight to Rose and Jacob before turning to Jasper and Emmett.

"We'll be back first thing in the morning, alright?" Jasper said.

"Okay, I'll be here. One of you can stay with her and I'll go home and sleep a bit." I turned to Emmett, seeing the sadness that was still in his usually bright eyes. "She's gonna be okay, we have to believe that."

He nodded, pulling me into his arms and squeezing me tight. After a few moments I tapped his side. "Can't breathe, Em," I managed to whisper, causing him to let me go.

"Sorry Al, I didn't mean to do that." He laughed a little, and I felt hope again for the first time all night.

After they left, I sat next to Bella, watching her breathe all night. The nurse asked a few times if I wanted to go to the cafeteria or if I'd like a magazine, but I was just enjoying my time with Bella. I knew, as I sat there soaking in the results of her actions, that my resolve was strengthening and it would be impossible for her to talk me out of helping her. She would get treatment for her addiction—I would make sure of it.

The next morning, after dozing for a few minutes, I was overcome with hunger. I expected that Jasper and Emmett would be there any time and I left Bella for a few minutes to find a restroom. In one of the hallways I found a small vending machine and as luck would have it, I was able to buy a toothbrush and toothpaste. I spent a few minutes brushing my teeth in the restroom before going to the cafeteria and getting some coffee and a cinnamon roll. Jasper texted me to let me know he and Emmett were on their way, so I quickly ate my roll, hoping to spend a few more minutes with Bella.

As I approached her room, I ran into Carlisle in the hall. "Jasper and Emmett will be here soon, I think Emmett will sit with her for a while this morning, if that's okay."

"Of course it is, Alice. Did you get enough sleep last night?" he asked.

"I don't think I slept at all, other than a few minutes here and there." He laughed, his mouth turning up in a devastating smile. My skin felt hot as I knew I was beginning to blush. "Well, I don't _think_ I slept much..."

"You did fine, Alice." He glanced down at some files in his hands. "Well, I've got a few rounds to make before I head home. I'll be back here this evening, so get some rest. If anything changes, someone will call you at home, I've given them your name and number, as well as Rose's."

"Thank you Dr. Cullen, I can't ever express how grateful I am to you." I drew in a quick breath, before nervously asking, "Do you think she'll be okay? Are we going to be able to help her?"

"Anything is possible, Alice. Anything at all." He smiled at me then turned and continued down the hall.

I walked quickly to Bella's room and was surprised to see someone leaving it. I hadn't seen any other visitors in the time that I had been there. While talking to the nurse on duty during the night, she told me that the other patients in the room only had visitors in the afternoon and evenings. I couldn't see the man's face since he was walking away from me, but I was overwhelmed by the shocking bronze of his hair. I silently wondered to myself who he could be.

**o~*~o~*~o~*~o**

**A/N: So, what did you think? You like it? You still interested in hanging around, seeing where this is going to go? I will promise you one thing. Well, okay, two things. One, there will be a happy ending to this, just hang with me until then. And two, I will make this as realistic as I possibly can. This story will deal with some serious things, and while I'm not always going to get everything right technically speaking, I will be real and truthful and honest. That's the kind of story I love and I hope you will too. :)**

**I rec stories on my other story **_**What Hurts the Most**_**, and I only suggest my favorite things, so go check some of them out. On here I thought I'd do something different, and I'd rec authors instead. Here's the first one…**

_**BittenBee**_** – I love her, so much. She's an incredible author, a smart beta, a snarky collaborator, and a wonderful friend, as well as just a beautiful person. She has amazing stories…you'll love her. I know you will. And tell her I sent you, she'll like you even more 'cause she kinda loves me too. :D**

**http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/u/1744470/**

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**Thanks for everything, I have the most incredible readers and I love each of you more than you could know. My kids laugh as me when I'm reading reviews because I'm usually dancing in my chair, but I don't care. You make me happy and that's a good thing for them to see, right? :D**

**Now, it IS my birthday, so tell me what you thought…please? :D**


	4. Chapter 3 She's Over

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is a couple of outtakes or one shots that are up for bid in the _Fandom Gives Back_ auction, as well as some banners. Unless you feel compelled to buy me, in which case you would own that, and part of me. It's a great cause and there are hundreds of talented artists auctioning off their services. I'd put a link here but I always hate that, so instead I put something on my fanfic blog, and you can find the link for that in my profile. It's easier that way. :D Plus you'll find some other interesting things on my blog. :P Go take a look, see what other authors are there. I'm sure you'll find someone you feel the need to buy, even if it's not me. :D**

**Thanks to my superbeta **_**MaggieMay14**_**. She's wonderful and helps me so much…thank you for that. And for this - ~oOo~ I like it sooo much. :)**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 **_**& **_**Unchanged Affections **_**for prereading this. They keep me entertained and they spot things everyone else misses. I couldn't do this without them.**

**And thanks to my girlies - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, **_**and**_** coldplaywhore. **_**I love them. What more could I possibly say to express that? It's true, I love them.**

**So, since Bella is still out of it, we are finally getting a look into Edward's head. It's interesting, and he's going to have quite the conflict as this story moves along. He's kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I don't envy him in the least. But he's a good guy…I'm not worried.**

**~oOo~**

**Chapter 3 – She's Over**

**Edward POV**

I didn't want to go to the party, but I went. Tori had convinced me that it would be fun, one more night out with her work friends before we moved on to start the next chapter of our lives together. The parties were always dull, never anything more than small chit-chat, mediocre food, and a lot of booze. Tori usually let loose a bit at those kinds of things, but I never did. Someone had to get us home in one piece and besides, I was done with my over indulgent days. I'd lived through enabling someone else and I never intended to live that way again. I'd barely survived it when things ended, and I still clung to the hope that someday things would be different—that someday I'd find her and she'd be okay. After having all but given up on ever seeing her again, there she was, and it was nothing like I'd dreamt it would be.

As I pulled Tori from the hotel, rushing out into the brisk night air and thrusting my ticket toward the valet, I sensed her fuming at my side.

"What was that?" she said in a hushed yell, her voice clearly laced with anger, frustration, and hurt.

"I'm sorry; I don't know what to say."

"I know what to say, and it's not good, Edward." She stood silently beside me, still except for the tapping of her very expensive shoe on the pavement. My car pulled up and I felt a sense of relief, I was anxious to get away from this place and get home where things could go back to normal. We were in the middle of packing and I knew the apartment was in a state of madness, but at the moment I felt like my life was even more turned upside down.

The drive home was quiet, aside from Tori huffing and murmuring under her breath. She knew all about my relationship with Izzy and she knew that things would never have worked out, what with the way Izzy was. I knew from looking in her eyes tonight that things were still bad, she wasn't okay yet, and I ached to be able to help her out of her downward spiral. She was still beautiful, the most breathtaking woman I'd ever seen, but as I walked away from her, I knew it was over. Finally, I had confirmation and I actually felt a sense of closure. I would let her go, I would move on with Tori and be happy. I would finally allow myself to have all the things I'd wanted with Iz—they would just have to happen with Tor instead.

Walking into the apartment, I was quiet, letting Tori go ahead of me after I opened the door. She dropped her bag on the entryway table and turned to look at me, her eyes tightening slightly as she shifted uncomfortably. "I'm going to bed. I strongly suggest that you figure this all out tonight so that you can let me know tomorrow exactly what you want for your life. I won't play second fiddle to your past, Edward, I deserve better than that. I know you loved her, and apparently you love her still, but I can't sit by and watch you go through everything all over again. I think I was more than understanding about things, and it hurts me to see you hurt. I can't do it again, I'm sorry."

I thought back over our past several months together, remembering all the things that Tori had endured with me. Every once in a while something would happen, or I would see something, and memories of Izzy would come flooding back to me, sending me into a tailspin. Tori had brought me out of my depression time and time again, always comforting and understanding about what I was dealing with. I loved her for it, and she was a good person, but she wasn't my Izzy. No matter how hard she tried, she never would be. It wasn't her fault, and I made a conscious effort to not compare the two of them, but that was just the truth of the matter. Tori helped me through a lot of things and she deserved to be treated better than that of a second choice, not nearly as a less desirable option that I was stuck with. As I stood looking at her, my resolve strengthened.

"I'm sorry Tor, I don't really know what to say. You know I love you and I appreciate everything you've done for me. She's sick, Tori, and she's never going to be healthy, or good for me. You are the one I want to be with, just you. I'm sorry if my actions tonight hurt you, but it's over, I promise. There is nothing left between Izzy and I. You have nothing to worry about. I know what my future is, and it's you. Don't worry, dear, I know where my heart is." I reached out and touched her cheek, watching as she melted into my hand.

"Thank you, Edward. I know you loved her, I do, but I need you to be with me, and only me, if this is going to work. Please..." Her eyes slowly filled with tears and her lips pursed together. I leaned toward her and softly placed a kiss on her mouth, letting our lips linger together for a few moments before pulling away. I smiled tenderly at her and watched as she turned and walked to the bedroom, leaving me alone.

Once the door was closed behind her, I exhaled, letting out all the strength I had built up in the last couple of hours. As soon as I knew for sure that Tori was sleeping, I locked myself in the bathroom, staring at my face in the mirror. I almost didn't recognize my own reflection. Where there had once been light, a spark in my eyes, there was now blackness. Where there had once been a glow about my skin, there was now just a clammy dullness. Where there had once been a bright smile on my lips, there was now just sadness. The difference between me now, the way I was with Tori, and me then, the way I was with Izzy, was shocking. In all honestly, I wasn't even the same person.

Running my hand over my face, I knew that I needed to talk to someone. I needed someone who could tell me what to do and would listen to my whining. I had always had a good relationship with my parents, but over the past year I had grown so much closer to both of them. They helped me look for Izzy, they helped me talk to people she knew, and I knew that they both scanned crowds for her face every time they were out in public. They supported me and let me lean on them when I felt I didn't have the strength to go on. When Tori came into my life, they were hesitant, worried that I was just trying to fill a void in my heart and my life. Once they were certain that our relationship was about more than that, they were happy and accepted her with open arms. I knew they would always prefer Izzy, which was evident by the way they continued to mention her to me, bringing her up almost every time Tori was not with me.

Glancing at my watch, I saw how late it was, but I knew that my father was working—he would take time to talk to me about things. He would be able to calm me down and help me get a better perspective on things. I couldn't risk Tori hearing the words I needed to say, so I left her a note on the bathroom counter, in case she woke up and looked for me, and grabbed my car keys. I only meant to sit in my car while I spoke to him, but when he didn't answer the first time I called, I decided I needed a distraction until I could call again. There was an all night coffee shop a few blocks from our apartment, and though I knew that having caffeine that late would probably keep me awake all night, I didn't care. I walked in and ordered my usual, sitting in a corner table and watching the people file in and out of the restaurant.

Each person that came in had their own story, and I tried to figure out what it was by the way they spoke, moved, or fidgeted. A couple of young college age girls came in and giggled as they flirted with the young man behind the counter. When one of them spotted me, they all turned, flashing brilliant smiles and obvious winks. I nodded back to them, then opened a magazine that was sitting on the table. After they left, I wondered about Izzy. I wondered if she had ever been that way in college or even before, but I was secure in the knowledge that she hadn't. At least never when she was sober, anyway, and that was the thought that never left my mind. That type of behavior was much more like the way Tori was in school, at least according to what she told me. Izzy was always more reserved, quiet and thoughtful. She never openly flirted with someone, though when she cast her eyes at me, my body ached with anticipation and my soul screamed with desire and lust for her. It had always been that way, from the moment I first saw her standing in my entryway, and it always would. I was sure of that by the way my body reacted to seeing her tonight—it was exactly the same as it used to be.

I pulled out my phone and again dialed my father's number. After a couple of rings, he picked up.

"Edward, hey son. It's late, what's going on?" he asked, concern clear in his voice.

I tried to find the words, but nothing came. My head fell forward, my free hand catching my forehead and keeping it from smacking into the table. Clearing my voice, I tried to speak. "I saw her..."

"What? What are you talking about, you saw who?" I was silent, and in that moment he understood. "You saw Bella?"

"Uh, huh. I don't know what to do, Dad. I thought I was passed this, I thought I was over everything, but I'm not. The worst part is that she's still sick, and I don't even care because I still want her. It took every bit of strength I had to walk away from her, and honestly the only reason I did was because Tori was there, and she deserves better than to see me running off with my ex. And, the fact that some mountain of a man was there with Izzy didn't help things either. He could have beat me into the ground if he'd wanted, so there was that." I hadn't been surprised to find Izzy with someone, but I was surprised by who the man was. I knew of Emmett from Tori. She worked with him a bit and had always said great things about him, her opinion of him being very high. I knew that most likely he didn't know about Izzy's issues, otherwise he wouldn't be putting up with them, and I knew from the look on his face that he didn't know about me.

"Edward, where was she? Did you speak to her?" my father asked, pulling me away from my thoughts.

"Um, I saw her at the cocktail party for Tori's work. She was there with a guy Tori works with. Yeah, I talked to her and she's obviously still using, Dad. I told her I'd help her, but I don't think she wants it. She looked amazing, though." I paused for a moment before continuing. "I kissed her. I told her that I love her. Tori heard that part. Dad, I don't think she remembered what happened with us. She was acting really weird, like she had forgotten things, and then when I told her she had this look on her face, like a light was going on and she could see things again. It worried me."

My father was silent for a few moments. "Well, that's interesting, isn't it? Maybe her mind is protecting itself. If the break up was half as hard on her as it was on you, I can't imagine that she handled it very well, especially on her own."

I knew she was most likely alone, and I wondered if she had every found anyone to be with—anyone that could make her happy. Apparently Emmett was that person, judging by the way he looked at her. I was glad that she had someone to help her, but I was jealous. I wanted to be the one with her. I wanted to be the one who listened to her cry. I wanted to be the one that held her in the night. I wanted to be the one that wrapped my arms around her and made her scream out in ecstasy. I wanted her, everything about her, but I couldn't have her. I knew I couldn't, and I accepted that, but it didn't mean I stopped wanting it.

"Did you ask where she's at? How she's doing? Did you get a phone number or anything?" my father asked.

"No, I didn't think about it and I didn't have time. It wasn't really like that. I mean, we talked and she cried and I told her that I love her and that I want her, and then I left. I'm moving next week, Dad, what am I supposed to do? Ask her to meet me for coffee or something? That's out of the question, I could never do that. I don't have enough self control for that, sitting across from her that way." I rubbed my hand over my forehead, shaking it back and forth as realization swept over me. I wasn't strong enough for this. I had to get out of this city if I ever wanted to move on with my life, and I did. I had Tori and she was good for me, even if she wasn't best for me. Guilt began to wash over me as I thought about her back in our apartment, alone.

"Dad, listen, I need to go. Tori's back at the apartment and I went for a drive to clear my head, plus I didn't want her to overhear what I needed to say. I knew she would be hurt by that, but if she wakes up and I'm not there, she's going to worry."

"Okay Edward, I understand. Listen first, before you go back there, you need to be one hundred and ten percent sure that you're over Bella. It's not fair to Tori for you to continue your life with her if it's all a lie. Be honest with yourself and with her. If there is any question at all about where your feelings lie, you need to be truthful and tell her." I nodded in agreement, though he couldn't see my gesture, and listened as he continued. "You know your mother and I love Tori, we've seen the changes she's brought about in you, but we also know what you felt for Bella. The way you were when you were with her was something I'd never seen in you before, and to be quite honest, haven't seen in you since. You owe it to yourself to make sure it's really over between you two. Please, just make sure that there are no more feelings there. You know I'll support you in whatever decision you make, but you need to be sure."

I knew he was right, and I thanked him for listening to me, for being there when I needed him. The drive home was longer than normal, as I took side streets and drove through parts of town I hadn't seen before. There wasn't much activity or many people around, and I enjoyed the quiet. Turning down one street, I was startled to see flashing lights in front of a large apartment building. I slowed as I drove past and saw the EMT's busily working on someone as they rushed them into an ambulance. There were police cars in the parking lot as well and I wondered what could have happened. From the corner of my eye I saw a car that I knew all too well. I had one just like it, though I could tell by the street light near it that it was a different color than mine had been. I remembered all the times Izzy and I had spent in it, and how it broke my heart to sell it, but the pain was too fresh and raw each time I climbed into it after Izzy left.

I glanced back once more as I continued past and caught a glimpse of the person inside the ambulance, the bright lights of the interior lighting them up, and I was startled by a bit of long, dark hair. My mind immediately ran back to images of Izzy and I wondered where she was, if she was okay. I pulled over and waited as the ambulance left, then watched as three people ran out and jumped into a car, quickly following in the same direction. The man that got into the backseat was tall, and my thoughts turned to Emmett. There was something not right with the scene in front of me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Why did I feel so drawn to this place? Why could I not stop glancing up at the glow coming from an upstairs window? Why did I feel the need to turn my car around and follow them? I was going crazy, that was the only answer. I wasn't being fair to myself or to Tori, and I had to stop things. Now.

Putting the car back in drive, I hurried back to our apartment, determined to make things right with Tori and to reassure her that it was her I wanted. I knew in the back of my mind that it was a lie, but I would do it anyway. My Izzy was never coming back to me and after all this time of waiting and hoping, I had to accept that. It's over, she's over. Maybe if I told myself that phrase enough times, I might actually start to believe it. I highly doubted that would ever happen.

~oOo~

The apartment was quiet and dark, just the way I had left it a couple of hours earlier. My note still sat on the bathroom counter, so I was sure Tori hadn't even noticed I was gone. After grabbing a beer from the kitchen, I sat down on the sofa with my laptop, deciding to look through pictures I had stored there. There were images of Tori and I in Mexico, Aspen, and New York City. We had enjoyed traveling together, even before we became an actual couple. We liked many of the same things, and she was a wonderful listener. I poured out my feelings and emotions to her over the way Izzy had ended things, and she was instrumental in putting me back together again. If not for her unconditional affection and help, even when I tried to push her away, I knew I would be wasting into nothing as I pined over Izzy.

After looking through pictures for well over an hour, I decided to go to bed, that I had my priorities straight and I knew what was really important—Tori. Closing out the photo file, my eyes passed over another folder a little farther down on the screen. _Iz_ was all it said, and my fingers moved the arrow, letting it hover over the little yellow folder. Clicking it opened, I was suddenly overwhelmed with pictures of my Izzy and I, together and happy and everything I no longer was. As I began to go through picture after picture, my mind raced with memories surrounding each image. A rafting trip we took one summer, and a tent that proved to be not nearly as sound proof as we thought it was. A trip to visit her dad for Father's Day the year before he was killed, her smiling face as she lit candles on a pumpkin pie she had made just for him because she knew it was his favorite. A quiet Sunday morning with her tangled up in my bed sheets, her dark hair splayed out across the pillow as she looked hungrily at me. Each moment captured on film, our lives together spread out before me on a glowing screen.

The low battery alert started to flash and I forced myself to close the file, hiding away the girl that would always be my true love. I quickly plugged in the charger and set the laptop down on the desk. I grabbed a pair of sleep pants and a t-shirt from the dresser as Tori lay quietly sleeping in our darkened bedroom. Making my way to the bathroom, I was startled at the sound of my cell phone ringing in the kitchen where I had left it. Not wanting to wake Tori, I hurried through the apartment, grabbing it and flipping it opened so that the noise would stop. I hadn't taken the time to check the caller ID, but I was curious as to who would be calling me in the middle of the night. I answered in a hushed voice.

"Hello?"

"Edward, it's Dad. Where are you?" he asked, his voice clipped and in a rush.

"I'm at home, I was just heading to bed, why?"

He paused, and I could sense something off in his voice when he spoke. "I think you may need to come down here to the hospital."

My heart began to beat at an erratic pace, feeling as though it might jump out of my chest. "Why? What's happened? Is Mom okay?"

"Yes, son, she's fine. It's not your mother...it's Bella."

I stood silently as my world ground to a screeching halt. I was unable to speak and I prayed that he would continue, say something. "She was brought in tonight and it's not looking good, Edward. I think you should come down here. Rose and Jacob were here, they'll be back in the morning, and I've called your mother, she's on her way."

"Wait, what? What happened? Why is she there?" I was confused, needing answers and unsure about him saying that things weren't looking good. Had someone hurt her? Or had the substances she was abusing finally caught up with her?

"As far as we can tell, she overdosed tonight. A few of her friends found her and luckily one of them was an EMT, he was able to keep her viable long enough for the ambulance to get there. They got her back, but she's in bad shape, Edward. I think you need to get here quickly."

I ran back to the bedroom, turning off the light in the bathroom and leaving all my things there, unable to find the desire to put them away. My keys were on the entryway table, just where I had left them, and grabbed my shoes, figuring I would put them on when I got to the hospital. I locked the door and hurried to my car, all the while telling my father that I was on my way, that I would meet him in his office and that I was glad he had called.

The hospital was lit up like a beacon in the night, the white walls illuminated by bright lights and neon signs. Pulling into the parking lot, I shoved my feet into my shoes before sprinting into the Emergency entrance. I was familiar with the security guard working the desk and he waved me by, though the look on his face was anything but welcoming. He looked sad, like he was sad for me. That look only pushed me faster as I ran down the halls, finally slowing when I saw my father's office door. I flung it open and was thankful to find him at his desk, my mother sitting in a chair across from it.

She jumped up and grabbed me in her arms. "Oh Edward, I'm so sorry, I didn't want this to be true." I wrapped my arms around her as my eyes locked with my father's.

"Where is she? What's going on?" I asked, desperate for information.

"Sit down, son," he said, and instantly my defenses were up.

"No! I want to see her, don't tell me to sit down. Where is she?" I pushed away from my mother, stepping closer to my father, who was already rounding his desk.

"Please, Edward," he pleaded with me.

"No! Is she dead? Is that it? Is that why I need to sit down?" Looking back and forth between my parents, I wasn't sure what was happening, they both looked so sad and broken. In my heart I feared the worst, that everything was really over and that I'd never get the chance to have my Izzy back with me.

"Edward, no, she's not dead. Just let me explain first, and then I promise I'll take you to see her." My father's voice was calming, soothing, and as he placed his hand on my shoulder, I yielded to his will. We sat on the sofa and he explained the events of the night to me, how Izzy had been found and brought in, how there was a note lying next to her as she lay on her bed clutching my picture, how her friends had been worried about her and that her new friends had no idea what kind of life she was living.

"Son, they know about you now, but they had no idea about any of Bella's past. Emmett, the guy you met this evening, was here with her, and her friend Alice has insisted on staying the night with her. She's a lovely girl, and appears to be a good friend to Bella, though I get the feeling she is a little confused about what to make of you and Bella's relationship." My father looked over to my mother, and she silently moved to sit on my other side. Taking my hand in hers, she picked up where he left off.

"She's sick, Edward. You know that. Whatever she's taken, it's really hurt her. She's not doing well and they've had to put her in a medically induced coma so that her body has a chance to heal. There's no guarantee, Edward." She looked at my father, the glimmer of more information sparking in her eyes, and when my father nodded, she continued. "She left a note, Edward, and apparently it was addressed to you. The police are here, they spoke to your father and to her friend and they are finishing up some paper work, but they copied the note for you. We promised to give it to you, but you need to be sure you're ready to see it."

I nodded, wanting to know what she would have to say to me. After keeping herself hidden away from me for over a year, what could she possibly want to tell me? My father reached across to his desk and lifted a paper that was folded in half. Placing it in my hands, he said, "We'll step outside, give you a minute to read it. When you're done, if you still want to see her, I'll take you to her." My mother rubbed my leg, then moved in to hug me, while my father stood and waited for her to join him.

I sat quietly after they left the room, hesitant about opening the paper. I was dying to know what she had said, but I was fearful as well. Who knew what could have been going through her head as she wrote it, and why would I not want to see her after reading it? My father made it sound as though whatever was written in the note could possibly change my mind and my feelings for Izzy. I took a deep breath and opened the paper, overwhelmed by just the image of her handwriting. It caught me off guard how much I had missed it, and I felt tears begin to sting my eyes as I roughly swallowed back a choking sob that was steadily growing in my throat.

_Edward,_

_I'm so sorry for everything I've done, for all the ways I've hurt you. You were the one true source of happiness to me and I know that my life didn't even begin until I met you. _

_I'm so sorry that I let things get out of hand. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you weren't enough. I'm sorry that I didn't have the strength to fight harder for us._

Reading over her words, my breath caught and I couldn't hold back the tears that began to run down my cheeks. She was accepting blame for everything that had happened between us. As I reread the apology over and over again, the anger that I had harbored for her for so long started to dissipate and it was replaced by a feeling I was once very familiar with—the urge, the need to protect her. Guilt slowly crept in, for I knew that I hadn't done everything I could have. There were so many mistakes we both made, and this wasn't all her fault, though I could tell from her letter that she thought it was.

_You tried to help me, and I will eternally be grateful for that. There are so many things I need to tell you, but I can't bring myself to do it. I heard this song and wanted you to read the words. They are like a mirror into my soul._

Looking over the lyrics she had written down, I realized that they fit me, too. It wasn't just her that had been surprised that evening; I had been completely shocked too. It wasn't just her that held back so many things that needed to be said, I had been doing it too. She hadn't spoken a lot when I'd seen her, not even while I poured my heart out to her in the hallway. The idea that the decision to kill herself had come to her while we spoke, while I proclaimed my undying love for her, struck me. I had seen a change in her face, a determination in her eyes that hadn't been there when we'd danced. I knew it was my words, my pleading that she let me go, that had finally pushed her over the edge, and the thought that I brought about this mess made my stomach turn.

_Please forgive me. I tried the best I could; I just can't do it without you. I want you to be happy and I know you could never be if you stayed with me. _

_You are the one thing I am proud of in my life. The one good thing I ever did. Please love me, always, for I will always love you._

My heart ached for her as I read her final lines to me. I couldn't for the life of me imagine how she thought that I was the only good part of her life; how she thought we could have never been happy together. It made me question her idea of happy, because as far as I was concerned, I'd never been happier than I was when I was with her. I felt comforted by her hopes for me, her admission that she would always love me. I knew my feelings for her would never change, no matter what happened between us, but I wondered how we could go on from this point.

_I belong to you, my love._

_Izzy_

My heart swelled with love for her as my eyes continued to release hot, wet tears. I sat lost in her words and my memories for several minutes before finally deciding that I needed to see her, I needed to see that she was alive and fighting. I carefully folded the paper and tucked it safely away into my pack pocket. As I left the office, my parents were standing in the hallway quietly talking to a nurse. I made my way toward them and when they noticed me, their discussion quickly halted. They all watched me with unsure eyes, curious about what I wanted now. Rubbing my eyes to rid them of any lingering tears, I took a deep breath.

"I need to see her," I said softly, looking to my father.

"Alright, we'll go see her. This is Erin, she's the nurse that's been looking after Bella this evening," he said as he gestured toward the woman he was talking to. "She was just filling me in on how things are going."

"How is she?" I asked, desperate for any information she could give me.

"She's doing as well as can be expected. Right now she's got several organs that are not functioning properly, which is normal in this type of instance. We should know more about her chances in the next twenty four to forty eight hours, and if the organs will be able to recover. Her breathing is good and her heart rate is normal. She also has good brain activity signs, so that's rather hopeful." Erin looked sadly at me before continuing. "I've seen a lot of cases like this, Edward. There's really no certain outcome, anything can happen, but I can tell you this—the people that come in this way? They do better when they have friends and family supporting them. Even if she's unconscious, tests show that she can hear people talking to her. It would be a really good idea for you to spend time with her, if you think you can handle it."

I nodded in agreement, knowing that I would spend every waking moment there with her if it would help her wake up and recover. I needed the chance to clear the air with her. I needed to hear the things she hadn't told me. I needed the opportunity to tell her what she really meant to me. Mostly, I needed to know that she was okay, because whether we ended up together or not, I wanted her to be okay.

My father began walking down the hallway and after a few sets of doors before my eyes were automatically drawn to a window, and I could see her as she lie still in a bed. She was covered with white sheets, making her dark hair stand out. Seated next to her was a rather small woman, and I assumed this to be her friend Alice. I could see a magazine lying open across her lap, but her head was slumped to the side and it looked as though she was sleeping.

"Alice wanted to stay with her; she didn't want Bella to be alone. She fell asleep a bit ago, I have no idea how long she'll be out. She didn't seem to know much about you, though the look on her face gave me the sense that she had at least heard something about you. You may want to steer clear of her and Bella's other friends, at least until you've had a chance to talk with Bella. She was keeping her past a secret for some reason, and I would hate to make things harder for her, especially with what she will be facing if she pulls through the next few days." My mind spun in a million different directions as I finally had to come to grips with the reality that my Izzy might not make it.

"Okay, I'll stay away. So, this Emmett, Izzy was dating him? Are they serious? I mean, it seemed like they were an item when I saw her tonight. Did they say anything about that?" I asked, hopeful for some information about what I was dealing with. I didn't need some overbearing boyfriend having difficulty letting me see his girl.

"Yeah, as far as I could tell they were only dating, though I have no idea how serious it was. He seemed nice, though very distraught over Bella's secrets. I think they were all completely caught off guard by this." My father motioned toward the door. "Go, go see her. I've got some rounds to do, but I'll check back in with you later. I am meeting later tonight with Rose and Alice and the others so that we can come up with a plan as far as Bella's future treatment goes. She will need help, someplace with an in patient program where she can be secluded and get the assistance she needs. If you'd like to be a part of that, I would love to have you there." He placed a supportive hand on my shoulder, giving me a slight smile before turning and walking away from me.

I entered the room, waving to the nurse on call as she checked one of the other patients in the area. I walked to Izzy's bed, looking down at her and noticing how beautiful she was, even as she lay hooked up to a hundred different machines. The sounds that filled the room faded into the background as I focused on Izzy's breathing, the slow and steady breathes that she took in and then forced back out. Glancing over at Alice, I paused to see if she was really asleep, and if I could gauge any idea of how deeply she was sleeping. When I noticed her breathing pattern, my anxiety about being caught eased, and I found myself kneeling next to the bed, reaching up to hold Izzy's hand. Her skin was so dry, not the softness that I remembered. My mind ran with memories of all the things her hands had done to me, for me, with me, and I squeezed her hand a little tighter.

"Iz, it's me. I'm here, Izzy. I don't really know what to say. You totally caught me off guard tonight. I've been searching for you for the past year, and then all of the sudden there you were. I'm sorry I didn't act better. I'm sorry I didn't tell you everything I wanted to. I'm sorry I left you there. This is all my fault, I should have known better, but I was just so surprised. Please believe me, if I could do it over again, I would." I leaned over and placed a kiss on the back of her hand, letting my nose linger on her skin. She still smelled the same and I fought the urge to climb into the bed with her.

"I need you to be okay, Iz. I need you to wake up and talk to me, we need to work all of this out. I need you too much to let you go again, I just didn't see it tonight. I read your note to me, and it kills me that you think everything is your fault. It's not, Iz. I could have stopped it, I could have taken you away from here, I could have chased after you that night when you left, but I didn't. I was so weak and unsure and just in denial. I didn't accept what was really happening in front of me, and I'm so sorry. I promise, if you wake up, we will work everything out. Whatever you want, you can have it. I'm yours, too. I always have been, and I always will be. Just wake up, please. Let me help you, I want to. Please Izzy, I love you so much. Don't leave me."

I knew I was a blubbering mess, but I didn't care. The person that mattered most to me in the world was fighting for her life, and by extension mine. I had a feeling deep within me that if Izzy ever did die, if something truly horrible happened to her, it wouldn't be long until I followed after her. I needed her like I needed air. She needed to pull out of this for not just her, not just her friends, but for me.

I slowly stood, leaning down and placing a soft, but firm kiss on her forehead. As I did, my lips staying on her skin, enjoying the feel of it, I felt something. My hand was being squeezed, and when I looked down, I saw Izzy's fingers pushing into mine. The slight redness of them, the tension in them, showed that she was doing it—she was squeezing my hand back. A smile shot across my face and I looked back to her, marveling at how lovely she really was.

I stayed in her room for over an hour, holding her hand and kissing her face as she continued to tighten her grip on me every so often. Alice was still fast asleep, and it wasn't until she started to stir that I knew I needed to leave. Looking back at my Izzy, I leaned in close to her ear.

"I love you, Isabella. Always. There will never be another for me, only you. Please, sweetheart, please wake up so that I can tell you and hear you say it back to me. I have to go, but I'll be back later to check on you. Rest now, my love." My lips puckered and I placed feather light kisses along her jaw bone until I reached her mouth, letting my lips meet hers one more time. It seemed as though her lips pursed a bit as she tried to kiss me in return. It caused me to smile, which remained on my face as I exited the room, watching from the hallway as Alice woke and sat up, looking closely at Izzy. Secure in the knowledge that Izzy was once again being looked after, I left to make my way to my father's office. It was early in the morning and the fact that I hadn't slept all night was starting to catch up with me. I hoped to catch just a little nap before going to see my Iz again.

~oOo~

A few hours later I was startled from my sleep by a loud noise. My eyes opened and I was a little disoriented, not remembering that I was lying on the sofa in my father's office. The blinds in the windows were closed, but the light of the dawning day was working its way through the slats and openings. I glanced at my watch, seeing that it was still early when the noise finally ceased. I knew it was my cell phone and I reached into my pocket, pulling it out. When I checked the recent calls, I was surprised to see that Tori had called seven times that morning, and left three messages. I debated over whether or not to listen to them, if I should call her back, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew she would be worried about me, wondering if I was coming back. I had told her I would figure things out, and I was sure that waking to find me gone was unsettling to her, but the only thing that mattered to me in that moment was Izzy. I needed to see her.

After making a slight detour to the restroom, I headed to Izzy's room and was surprised to see no one sitting with her. I asked the nurse where Alice had gone, hoping to avoid her until later in the day, once I had made some decisions about what I wanted in regards to our relationship, or lack thereof. After she told me that Alice had just left, I decided to stay for a few minutes before going to call Tori. I sat next to Izzy, taking her hand in mine again, and let my thumb rub over her fingers, reveling in the feel of her skin against mine again.

"Hi Iz," I whispered. "Alice left to get something to eat, so I'm just gonna stay a few minutes. I need to call Tori and explain things to her, but I had to see you first." I cleared my throat and noticed out of the corner of my eye, the nurse stepping out of the room and across the hall to the nurse's station. I took the chance to capitalize on the privacy and spoke a little louder, hoping Iz would hear me.

"I made a mistake, Iz. I never should have let you leave that night. I should have chased after you, no matter what you said, but I didn't. I've looked for you for months, talked to anyone who I thought might help me, but you just vanished. I'm sorry I found Tori. She's a good person, Iz, she really is great. She's helped me through a lot of things, and I can't disrespect her just because I found you. I don't know what to do here. I'm so confused and torn up over this, I just don't know. Please, if you wake up I promise we'll talk and we'll figure something out. I mean, I'm guessing you want to do that, but I don't know about you and this Emmett guy. Tori says he's nice, and I'm glad he is, but I hate him. Just the thought of you with someone who isn't me... I can't bare it." I dropped my head, laying my forehead on our joined hands and sat in silence, just embracing my time with her.

After several minutes I heard my father in the hallway talking to a nurse, and heard mention of Izzy's friends being on their way. He stepped into the room, coming to stand by my side.

"How's our girl this morning?" he asked.

"She's the same, but she squeezed my hand last night, so I think that's good, right?" I asked. A smile crept across his face.

"That's great, son. Listen, I think you'd better go. Her friends are coming back any time now and I think it would be best if you weren't here when they get here. You can go back and sleep in my office, whatever. Also, Tori called my cell phone looking for you. I didn't answer it; I wasn't sure what you were telling her. I think you should at least give her a call, let her know you're alright."

I nodded in agreement, knowing that I needed to face Tori as soon as possible; I needed to be fair to her. However, I had no idea what to say since I hadn't come to any conclusions yet.

"Thanks, Dad. I appreciate this. So, you guys are meeting tonight then? To talk about what to do for her?" My father confirmed their meeting, telling me when and where they would be and that he thought it was important that I be there.

"I'm off to finish up a few things before I go home and get some sleep. I'll see you tonight," he said with a pointed look as he strolled out of the room.

I looked back to Izzy, reaching up to smooth her hair, letting my fingers tangle in the curled ends of it. "I'll be back soon, okay? You're friends will be here all day, so I'm gonna get out of the way. You'd better still be here when I get back, alright? Don't leave me again, Iz. I can't live through it twice." I felt her fingers squeeze a bit and I stood to kiss her, placing kisses on her forehead, her nose, her lips, and finally her jaw just near her ear. "I love you, my Izzy. Always."

Pulling away from her, I slowly walked to the door way, casting one last glance at her before stepping out into the hallway. As I walked toward the exit to my car, I heard footsteps behind me, but didn't turn to see who it was. I kept walking until I reached the parking lot, looking up only to find a very disheveled Tori leaning against my car.

**~oOo~**

**A/N: Hope you liked it. Next chapter will be more from Edward, so we'll get to see a bit more of what he's been up to and exactly what he's dealing with.**

**Time for an author rec. **

_**coldplaywhore**_** – Most of you probably already know her and her incredible stories, but incase you don't, go check her out! Not only is she the author of wonderful fan fiction, but she's also a freakin' awesome beta, and my uberbeta on my other story **_**What Hurts the Most**_**. AND, if that's not enough, she's an amazing friend and I consider myself lucky to not only be on a first name basis with her, but also to get to talk to her pretty much whenever I want to. It kinda rocks, I'm not gonna lie. Check her out, you'll be glad you did.**

**http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/u/1864400/coldplaywhore**

**I'm on Twitter, and it's fun.  
****And this has a thread on Twilighted.  
****Links to both of those are on my profile.**

**Thanks so much for reading this and for being wonderful to me. I'm truly blessed and I don't take any of it for granted. :)**


	5. Chapter 4 She Needs

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is a car that needs a new windshield wiper. Good thing I live in the desert and it hasn't rained here in like three months. :D**

**Thanks to my superbeta **_**MaggieMay14**_**. She loves Jasper in this story. She also loves to tell me what the characters are supposed to do next. Too bad for her they are defiant and are thinking of declaring mutiny. :D She also bought me in the Fandom Gives Back Auction. That was very nice of her…though I felt kind of bad that she had to do that. I'm afraid of what she wants me to write for her, and now I feel like I should write two things for her since I would have written her something for free. That's how much I love her.**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 **_**& **_**Unchanged Affections **_**for prereading this. Actually, **_**Twilight44**_** is away camping so **_**jasperlover16**_** stepped in and said this chapter was amazing. I hope she is right, but I love her anyway…she's so sweet. And **_**Unchanged Affections**_**…I know you'll like this chapter. "Nurse Erin…paging Nurse Erin." I know you love that. :D**

**And thanks to my girlies - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, **_**and**_** coldplaywhore. **_**I love them. I'm pretty sure none of them are reading this story, but that's okay…I'll get over it. :)**

**I'm still without the internet at home, but that's actually working out well for you. I can't get side tracked with Twitter, and I'm getting lots of writing and reading done. It sucks, but it will be fine. Now if I can just upgrade my cell phone plan to get me more text messages each month. I already ran those out for this month. That sucks big time. :(**

**Little prewarning for this story. I have no idea how rehabilitation centers really operate, and without internet to spend hours researching it, I'm just gonna go with what I think makes sense. I've seen enough of those rehab shows on tv to know that I'm not too far off. :D Just go with the flow and enjoy it, it could happen. :D**

**~oOo~**

**Chapter 4 – She Needs**

**Edward POV**

I watched Tori for a few moments as she bit at her fingernails—a nervous habit of hers that only came through when she was truly upset about something. Tori, was a good person, a kind and loving woman that had helped me through the hardest time of my life. I owed her more than I would ever be able to repay, and the thought of hurting her nearly crushed me. As much as I wanted to be with Izzy, I knew it would only come at the cost of Tori, and I really didn't know what to do. I stood quietly by, taking her in and trying to figure out what words to say to her. As she looked up and her eyes met mine, I knew my time was up.

She quickly stood, pulling away from where she had been leaning against my car, and turned a little to face me. Her hands dropped to her sides and her breathing picked up—I could only guess what thoughts were running through her mind. Slowly, I took a few steps toward her and sorrow built in me as I got a better look at her face, the fresh tear tracks along her cheeks.

"Hi," I quietly said to her, my hands pushing into my pockets.

"Hi." She looked at me with so much hurt and anguish in her eyes, it nearly brought me to my knees. She started to speak, her voice low and quiet—defeat thick in every word. "I tried to call, but you didn't answer. I was worried and your mom told me you where here...with _her_." She dropped her eyes to her hands that were busy twisting together in front of her, her fingernails roughly digging into the flesh. "So, this is over then, right? You and me?"

I heard the sob in her voice as the words poured quickly out and a shudder rumbled through her. I still wasn't sure what to do, and I paused for a moment in an attempt to come up with the right thing to say. "Tori, I don't know. I keep trying to figure out what to say to you, or what to do, but I just don't know. That's not fair to you, I'm sorry, but I'm confused right now. I know what's right for me and I know what I want, and they aren't exactly the same thing." I forced my hand through my hair, rubbing it across my face as I fought back the emotion that was threatening to overtake me. "I love you, Tori, but I'm not being fair to you." I watched her as she met my gaze again, her eyes showing the agony she was going through.

"Do you want to be with her?" she whispered.

I nodded slowly, not wanting to lie to her.

"Do you want to be with me?" she asked, and I again nodded. "You can't have us both, Edward, you have to choose."

"I can't." My jaw muscles flexed as I pursed my lips together and my brow furrowed. "I can't choose right now, Tor. Please, please just let me figure this out."

I saw a light flicker in her eyes and her voice gained strength. "You can't string me along, Edward. I won't sit back while you play house with both of us. I won't share you, I deserve better than that. Is she up there waiting for you? What did you tell her?"

I suddenly realized that Tori didn't know what happened, I needed to explain things to her before she got angry about the situation.

"You talked to my mother? What did she say was going on?" I asked.

"She told me that Bella was in the hospital and that you were here with her. She didn't even want to tell me that, but I was begging, I was so worried about you. I mean, last night I told you to figure things out and then this morning I wake up and you're gone. No note, no message, nothing. Then you wouldn't answer my calls, and I panicked. I tried your dad too but he never answered, though your mom said he was working. I thought you'd left me, Edward. I thought you didn't even have the balls to face me and tell me the truth." Her words began to gain some strength, her frustration starting to show through. "I rushed down here hoping to find you and talk some sense into you. You know what she's like, you told me yourself last night that she's still using. She's not good for you, you know that. I love you! I can give you everything she can't! Why don't you see that?" She began to cry again, the anger giving way to sadness.

"Tori," I said as I stepped closer to her, "Bella's not okay. I'm not leaving you for her, it's not like that. Babe, she's here because she OD'd last night. She left a note and everything, she tried to kill herself."

"Oh, Edward, no."

"Her friends found her, Emmett was with them. They saved her, but she's not okay. My dad doesn't know if she's even gonna make it. I had to see her, Tori, I had to be here for her. Please, don't be upset with me. I haven't done anything and I don't even know what she wants. I mean, this Emmett guy, she's like _with_ him, and I don't know what that's all about. She's unconscious Tori, so I can't talk to her, but if she wakes up I have to help her. She needs my help, Tori. Please, try and understand this."

She moved closer to me, wrapping her arms around my waist and burying her face in my neck. I put my arms around her, pulling her closer to me, and kissed the top of her head, breathing in the smell of her hair. It was all wrong. As comforting as the scent was, my body craved another smell that would only ever be found in one girl—my Izzy.

"Can I see her?" Tori asked, her voice quiet and hesitant.

"What? Why would you..."

"I just want to see her, Edward. I won't cause a scene or talk to anyone, I just need to know; I need to see for myself what I'm dealing with. Please? I want to see that she's okay." She pulled back from me, her eyes looking up and meeting mine. I couldn't deny her anything and I reached around to my back and took hold of her hand. I laced my fingers with hers and pulled her along side me into the hospital. There were no words between us, both of us lost in our own thoughts and confused about the situation.

We stepped out of the elevator on the floor where my Izzy was, and instantly my body could feel her. My heart knew that she was close and the pull that I felt was stronger than anything I'd ever experienced before. It had always been that way with Izzy and me, and I was somewhat comforted by it.

Her room soon came into view and I saw Alice standing along side a man I didn't know. She had her arm around his waist and I assumed it was her fiancé that my father had mentioned. Tori let go of my hand and walked closer to the windows as I retreated deeper back into the hallway. She stood as rigid as stone as she watched Izzy lying in her bed, tubes and monitors all around her. I noticed Alice turn and look at her, a puzzled look on her face, but just as she started to pull away from Jasper, Tori turned and walked down the hall, away from the room and from me. I waited until Alice was once again focused on Izzy and then stepped around the corner. I was startled to see Tori embracing Emmett, the two of them quietly comforting one another. I stood and watched them for a few moments before finally turning and making my way back to my father's office. I figured I would text Tori and tell her where I was, leaving her to her private moment with Emmett.

The caveman in me began to grumble knowing that Tori was with Emmett. The thought of both women I had loved in my life being with another man made me insane, and I had to talk myself down, out of the jealousy that I knew was not warranted in this situation. Izzy deserved to be happy, and if she had found that with Emmett then I should be thanking him. I also knew that Tori wasn't interested in Emmett in that way, and I had nothing to worry about. I sat alone in the dark office for a few minutes before finally sending a text to Tori. I wasn't sure if she would come find me or if she would leave, but I hoped that we would be able to continue talking and figuring things out. We were supposed to be moving to New York City in a few days and I knew that couldn't happen the way things were now.

There was a soft knock on the office door and then it gently opened. "Edward?" I heard Tori say as she slipped into the room, pushing the door closed behind her. She took the few short steps to the sofa and sat down next to me. "I talked to Emmett; he said she's not really improving much. He asked me if you knew; if that's why I was here. I didn't know what to tell him, so I told him yes." She shifted next to me, the volume of her voice dropping to little more than a whisper. "He asked if I thought you'd want her back. He's afraid of losing her. I didn't know how to answer that; I just said I'm afraid of the same thing."

Tori's hand moved to the back of my neck, her fingernails scratching into my skin. Her touch relieved the tension I had been feeling and it soothed me. My head lulled forward a bit and my eyes closed, finding comfort in her for the moment, and I soon felt her lips on my neck, placing feather soft kisses on my skin. As much as I wanted to ask her to stop, I knew she needed the reassurance that these actions would bring, and I couldn't deny her. The pressure of her kisses increased and she began lightly sucking my flesh into her mouth, her pebbled tongue pulsing as the suction increased. She never marked me that way, thinking it was cheap and distasteful, but in this moment I knew she would, and I didn't try to stop her. For all intents and purposes, I was hers and I couldn't deny her the right to make that clear to everyone. Even if it was mostly to make herself feel better—a reminder to her.

My head dropped back against the sofa and my eyes focused on the ceiling, noticing the grid of the panels. Tori continued her actions as I glanced over at the door, seeing that she had locked it. I knew my father was home sleeping, so there was no real danger of anyone walking in on us, but did I really want to do this in my father's office? I knew what our little make out scene was leading to, and I couldn't decide if I should let it happen here or take Tori home and do it there. I felt her hand wandering over my chest and abdomen, lowering to the waistband of my pants. I was still wearing the dress clothes I'd worn to dinner the night before, minus the jacket. She palmed my quickly hardening penis, rubbing up and down, making things in my mind a little fuzzy. She'd always had that affect on me—making me forget things that were happening around me—and for that I would forever be thankful.

She leaned toward me, moving her leg over my lap so that she was straddling me. As her lips met mine, her head angled so that she could deepen our kiss. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her more firmly against me. Sliding my tongue into her mouth, I explored the hot, wetness there that I'd grown so familiar with, as my hands lowered and began to grasp her firm bottom. Tori loved to work out, always finding time for a run or a quick trip to the gym, something that she had gotten me hooked on as well. It was a great way for me to lose myself, forget things that were bothering me, though it was also a time when I could think about my Izzy nonstop and no one but me had to know. My toned body was a testament to Tori—a physical showing of what she had done for me. Though, while people thought I looked great on the outside, they couldn't see that the inside, no matter how "fixed" it appeared to be, would always be broken. I was like a statue that had been shattered. The pieces of me were glued back together, but you could still see the cracks and the places where the glue held me in one piece. I would never be what I once had been, but at least I was something more than a pile of rubble.

I sucked in a quick breath as I felt Tori's hand slide between my pants and my skin, grasping my cock and stroking me. The feeling was incredible and I didn't have the will to stop her. Knowing we wouldn't make it home, I was glad she had locked the door. I moaned as she quickened her pace, moving her mouth and placing wet, open mouthed kisses along my neck. Her free hand fumbled with the buttons on my shirt, opening it so that her mouth could move to my chest. She rocked her pelvis against mine and I could feel the heat coming from her center. I ached to be with her, to forget everything that had happened in the last twelve hours—to just go back to when it was the two of us and my memories.

My right hand shifted up, finding the hem of her shirt and pushing under it, my fingertips tracing along the soft skin covering her ribs. I felt along the band of her bra and my hand slid back to the clasp, freeing it in one flick. Her breathing picked up and I heard her mumble something against my chest as her tongue circled my nipple. I moved my hand from her back to her chest, grasping her breast and squeezing the firmness there. As I rubbed my thumb over her hardened nipple, she hummed in satisfaction. Tori sat up, her head falling back as she continued to moan and whisper my name. My mouth attacked her neck, sucking in her delicate flesh, and leaving my own marks. My left hand quickly rose from her butt and grabbed her shirt, pulling it up and jerking it over her head, dropping it to the floor. Her bra fell from her shoulders and she sat bare before me, the paleness of her skin reminding me of another woman—a woman who was down the hall, sleeping. I shut my eyes hard, trying to block out the images that were quickly assaulting me—images of Izzy sitting atop me, her head thrown back as I devoured her breasts.

I shook my head trying to dislodge the thoughts and growled as I took Tori's taut peak back into my mouth, sucking harder than usual. She let out a squeal, tugging harder at my dick in response. After a moment I pulled back, looking up at her. Her eyes met mine and I spoke. "Get up." She looked at me, worry flashing in her eyes. She thought I was stopping her, but I wasn't. "Take your pants off, now." She pushed back from me in a rush, standing and dropping her pants to the floor. She straightened up, sliding her thumbs into the band of her thong and began to lower it. "Leave it," I said in a low rumble, and she did.

I lifted my hips, shoving at my pants until they were around my knees, then I grabbed at Tori's hips, bringing her back to me. Her blues eyes were filled with lust and as I pulled her back into my lap, I grabbed at the fabric that was covering her. Moving it aside, I lifted her a bit and then plunged into her, making her gasp as I filled her completely. I closed my eyes, reveling in the feeling of her surrounding me, and waited for her to begin moving. Soon she was sliding up and down my cock, her fingers sinking into my shoulders as she tried to steady herself. My eyes remained closed as I battled with the images that were assaulting me. Memories of two different women were playing through my mind and I struggled with which one to let consume me. Opening my eyes, I saw Tori's red hair flung behind her as her head dropped back, her mouth open as she moaned while riding me. Watching her, the red soon began to turn to brown, darkening by the second. The straight tresses that Tori wore began to turn into curls, waves of chestnut with golden auburn highlights. I closed my eyes again, trying to fight off the image, but couldn't.

Tori's pale flesh began to take on a pink hue, but was quickly replaced by the memory of pale skin that was sprinkled with tiny freckles. I furrowed my brow as my eyelids shut tighter, my mind focusing on the memory of little brown marks scattered across my Izzy's cheeks and nose. Tori's breathing began to pick up; reminding me of the way Izzy's had always done the same thing. I was lost in the moment, fighting between reality and my memories, unable to stick with just one. Reality felt good, it felt right, and I needed it, but the memories felt comfortable and exciting, they were enticing to me and drawing me deeper into them.

I knew it wasn't fair to Tori and as I opened my eyes to stop her, I saw her snaking her hand down between us, rubbing at her little pink nub just above where we were joined. It turned me on, and I wanted nothing more than to find my release. I lifted my hips, slamming into Tori as hard as I could, grunting at the feel of her. She began to shake, and I knew she was close. I closed my eyes again, remembering all the times Izzy and I had been together this way, and I felt my stomach start to clench. Dropping my head back, I held onto Tori tighter as we both neared euphoria. Her moans increased, getting louder as her breasts bounced up and down, matching her rhythm. I pounded into her harder and faster as the feeling in my stomach increased. The sight of Tori combined with the memory of Izzy pushed me over the edge and I gave in to the ecstasy that had been lapping at me. Tori let out one last moan as she tightened around me, stilling as her walls milked my cock for all it was worth.

We sat in silence, our heavy breaths the only sound in the room. After a few moments, I opened my eyes to find Tori watching me, her eyes filled with tears. I raised my hand to touch her cheek, taking it in my palm as she leaned into me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen," she whispered.

"No, it's okay. I knew what we were doing, it's fine." I tried to reassure her, but was struck by what she said next.

"You weren't thinking about me, where you?" There was sadness in her eyes and sorrow in her words. I cursed myself for having let this happen. I should have known what her thoughts would be; that she would think I didn't really want her. I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth, and I didn't know what I really wanted, so I lied.

"Tori, this was about you and me, no one else. Let's go home, we need to talk about things. Plus," I rubbed my thumb against her cheekbone, "the apartment isn't going to pack itself. We have a lot of work to do."

Tears trickled down her cheeks as her eyes searched mine. "You're still going with me? You still want me?"

I nodded, giving her the biggest smile that I could muster, knowing it was all a farce. We quickly dressed, making ourselves as presentable as possible, then hurried out of the building and to our cars. I told her that I'd stop to pick up some breakfast for us on my way and meet her back at home, that we could eat while we talked. After seeing her to her car and waiting for her to drive away, I sat in my car and stared at the building where my Izzy was, hoping that the answers I needed would suddenly come to me. I needed to talk to Tori, to tell her everything so that she could make the decisions that were best and right for her. I also needed to talk to Iz, and I prayed that I would get the chance. I fought the need to go back into the building to see her, knowing that I couldn't disrespect either her or Tori in that way. Seeing Izzy after what I'd just done with Tori would be wrong and I couldn't do it. Declaring my love for Izzy while I still smelled of Tori wasn't fair, and I forced myself to push the key into the car's ignition.

As I drove away, my eyes kept searching for the building in my rear view mirror, wishing that I could be there. I had a lot to take care of before I could return to the hospital that night, and I prayed that Tori would understand when I told her. I needed to help Izzy, whether she wanted me or not, and I knew I would never turn my back on her. I just hoped that Tori would grant me that—that it wouldn't destroy what we had together.

After a few hours of talking with Tori, and a few hours of packing, I was dressed and ready for the meeting with my father and Izzy's friends. Tori knew where I was going, a revelation that had brought on a round of hysterics from her, followed by rushed shower sex. It wasn't the best we'd ever had, but it comforted her and served as assurance that I did love her—I wasn't going anywhere. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was still completely confused in my head, not knowing what to do. I moved ahead with our plans of relocating to New York simply because I needed something to move toward, and the situation with Izzy felt like it could keep me stuck in one spot indefinitely. I also knew that it could very well suck me backward and all of my work over the past year would be for nothing—I'd be right back where I started from.

I hurried through the halls of the hospital, hoping to have a few minutes alone with my father before all of Izzy's friends showed up. As I approached his door, I was a bit disheartened to hear voices coming from inside his office. I didn't recognize them and I assumed they must be Alice and Jasper, the friends I hadn't met yet. The door was slightly ajar and as I stepped through it, the words stopped and four faces turned to look at me. I froze, realizing I was right about who was there, but hadn't realized that Emmett was there as well.

"You. I saw you this morning, that hair of yours. You were here to see her, weren't you?" the tiny raven haired woman asked. I smiled back at her.

"Yes, I'm Edward. You must be Alice." I held out my hand, offering to shake hers, and she stood still, not moving. This was not a good sign.

"You love her? Did you hurt her? What happened between you?" Her accusing words seemed to come out in a rush and I could see the concerned look in her eyes as she crossed her arms over her chest, her jaw clenching a bit.

I dropped my hand to my side and cast glances as the two men with her, not knowing what to say. "Um, yes, I love her. No, I didn't hurt her. I don't really want to get into what happened between us, but needless to say I'm sure you can figure it out, now that you know what got her here." I raked my hand through my hair, feeling uncomfortable about the look I was getting from them all.

The blonde man moved toward me a bit, holding his hand out. "I'm Jasper Whitlock, Alice's fiancé."

I knew his name—he was the one that saved my Izzy. "You were the one that did CPR and brought her back. Thank you," I said, the emotion thick in my voice as I reached out to grasp his hand, shaking it firmly.

"No problem. We all love her; it was my pleasure to help."

"I'm Emmett, but we met last night," Emmett said, as he offered his hand to me.

"Yes, hello again." We shook hands and I immediately felt the strength in his grasp, my bones feeling as though they might be a little bruised. He was a couple of inches taller than me, with shoulders that were much wider than mine. He obviously worked out a lot more than I did, and I found myself comparing my attributes to his. I was jealous of him, and it was clear that he felt the same way.

"I still want to know what happened between you. How could you just let her go like that?" Alice said her eyes full of what looked to be anger. "You knew she had a problem and you didn't help her. How could you not help her?"

"Alice..." Jasper said from her side, trying to calm her down.

"No, it's okay," I said. "I didn't know she had a problem until it was too late. I tried for about two years to help her, but she didn't want it. She left me, not the other way around, and I've been looking for her for the past year. She didn't exactly hang around with the best people, and they weren't in any rush to help her get away from her habits. You can ask my dad, he's been helping me."

Alice let out a long breath, obviously annoyed by my response. "So you should have just made her stop, I mean really..."

My father let out a soft chuckle, drawing everyone's eyes to him. "It's not that simple, Alice. You'll see."

"You'll have to forgive my sweet lady here," Jasper said as he affectionately put his arm around her waist, pulling her against him. "She sees things in black and white, no room for gray. That's one of the things I love about her." He kissed the top of her head and she seemed to calm immediately.

"Sorry," she mumbled as she looked up at me with apologetic eyes. "I just love her so much and I still can't believe she'd do something like this. I don't understand it."

I let out a deep breath. "Well, she loved her father, a lot, and when he was killed, she just didn't know how to deal with it. He was all she'd ever had, until she met me, and it was hard for her. I tried to help, I thought she was getting better, but I didn't know about the drugs. Well, not until she was totally hooked on them. I never thought she would get caught up in something like that."

Emmett cringed a little as I spoke, turning to sit on the sofa, his hands twisting into fists as he processed what had happened to Izzy. I heard a commotion in the hallway and knew it was most likely Rosalie. I turned just as she walked into the office, the room growing smaller as she and Jacob entered. He was even bigger than Emmett, which was almost impossible to believe, and I wondered if we'd have enough room to fit everyone.

"Well, now that we're all here, I guess we can start," Alice said, drawing a glare from Rose.

"I'm not late, besides, Esme's not here yet, so it's fine." Rosalie looked to me, rushing over and throwing her arms around me. "Edward, we found her. Finally, she's here." I felt tears soaking into my shirt as she clung to me, my arms wrapping gently around her waist. Jacob shifted nervously behind her and as our eyes met, I saw emotions there that I wasn't sure about. Why did he look so nervous, upset, and even a bit bothered?

I heard my mother's voice before I saw her, and soon she entered the room, along with the nurse that I'd spoken to last night. Her arms were quickly around Rosalie and I as she said her hello's to everyone in the room.

"Well, do you all want to stay in here or should we move this into one of the family rooms? There might be more seating for everyone if we do that." My father looked at us all, questioning what we'd want to do. My mind quickly flashed back to what I had been doing the last time I was in this room, right next to where Emmett was currently sitting. I agreed with my father, insisting that it would be better if we had a bit more space. We filed down the hallway, in the opposite direction of Izzy's room, and shuffled into a family meeting room. There were a few sofa's against the walls and several chairs—more than enough room for our little group.

Once we were all seated, my father began. "Thanks for coming, everyone. I know we're all here for Bella and I hope that we can keep that in mind. Some of us don't know each other very well, but I think it's pretty clear who everyone is and what our relationship with Bella is, or was." Everyone nodded, and he continued. "I've asked Erin, Bella's main nurse from last night and today, to meet with us. She's got some information on rehabilitation centers and also on Bella's condition. We know what Bella's issues are and now it's time to fix them." He signaled to Erin and she stood up, opening a folder she had in her hands.

"Bella has several different chemicals in her body. She's done a real number to herself, and I'm really happy to see so many of you here, ready to help her. That's a huge advantage that many addicts don't have. She's going to need a support system to get through this, and she's going to need each one of you." She smiled at us all before glancing down to look at the papers in her hands. "I have a list of rehab facilities that are not too far away, all of which are very good. We've checked with her medical insurance and narrowed it down to a few that they are contracted with. Now they won't cover all of the cost, there will still be a portion that will have to be paid, but it's no where near what it could be, and that's great."

I looked at my father, his eyes meeting mine. "I'll pay it, whatever it is," I said, the words tumbling from my mouth before I really knew what I was saying. How was I going to explain this to Tori?

My father shook his head. "No, Edward, that's not a good idea. Your mother and I have already discussed it, we will pick up Bella's portion. I talked to Alice a bit about Bella's finances, what her earnings are at work, and it's clear she can't do it. Your mother and I have always felt as though Bella was our daughter, and it will be our privilege to pick up the tab for this." My mother sat next to me, reaching over to grab my hand, squeezing it.

"I know you want to help her, Edward, but this really shouldn't come from you. I think if her parents were here, it's something they would want to do, and since we feel like that's our role now, we want to do it. Plus, we don't want to cause issues between you and Tori. You don't have to tell her that we are paying this for Bella. Tori will never know, unless you want her to." My mother looked into my eyes, concern clear on her face as she continued. "We love Bella, and whether or not you two ever figure things out between you, she will always be our daughter. We love Tori too, it's not that we don't, but we want to do this. Please, let us."

I nodded, keeping quiet about it. I knew Izzy had always seen my parents as her own, especially after her father died, so I knew she would be more likely to accept help from them than she would from me.

Erin continued. "Now, we need to choose a place for her to go to. The one I would suggest specializes in chemical dependency, as well as grief counseling. I think once Bella is off the substances and out of withdrawal, she's going to need some serious grief counseling to help her deal with things. This one, it's called New Moon, is really great. It's in Sedona, so it's not too far away, which will be nice once she gets to the stage where she can have visitors."

Sedona was only a few hours north of Phoenix, and it was beautiful there. I knew Izzy would love it, the peaceful atmosphere that she would feel, plus the temperatures would be a bit cooler and there were lots of things she could do outdoors. Having grown up in Washington, Iz always loved the cooler temperatures and the outdoors, trees and water all around her. Phoenix didn't have much of any of that, which made it a little surprising that she'd choose Arizona State University as the place she wanted to go to college. I knew her mother had gone there, and that's why she chose it, but it was still a bit surprising.

"How soon will we be able to see her, once she goes in there?" Alice asked.

"Well, every case is different, and it depends largely on her and the progress she's making. I'd say a pretty standard date would be thirty days. But like I said, it depends on a lot of different things," Erin said.

"What about letters and emails, phone calls. Can she have those? I mean, I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't want her to feel like she's in a prison." Rosalie had some very valid questions, and knowing that I would soon be on the other side of the country, this would be the only way I would be able to communicate with Izzy. Given that she wanted to speak to me at all.

"I believe that letters and emails are always welcome. Phone calls may be a bit more restricted, like times, dates, and things of that nature, so as not to interfere with the schedule patients are on, but they will be able to tell us more about that once Bella is enrolled." We all nodded in understanding, happy that there would be some way for us to check in with her.

"How soon could she get in there? Like, when will she be able to leave the hospital? Will she go straight there or is there a waiting list?" I could tell from Alice's questions that she really did care about Izzy. I was happy that she'd had such a good friend during the past year.

"They have openings, so as soon as she's cleared to leave the hospital, she'll be transferred straight there." Every one seemed to let out a sigh of relief at Erin's words, but tensed again as soon as Emmett spoke. His voice was quiet, much more so than I had imagined it would be.

"Um, is she going to be in trouble legally because of this? I mean, you hear all the time on the news that people end up in the hospital and rehab for drugs, and then they wind up in court and go to jail because of it. I don't want her getting into trouble that way."

My stomach dropped. Being an attorney, I knew what could happen, but I hadn't really thought about it in a long time. When she first disappeared, I worried that we'd find her in jail somewhere, that it would break her, but when we never did, I began to focus more on emergency rooms and hospitals. She was a smart girl, getting caught was most likely never going to be an issue for her. It would break my heart to see her beat the addictions, only to be prosecuted and put in prison for her errant choices.

"We do have to report her to the authorities, by law. However, I know from experience that most first time offenders, if they seek drug counseling and get their addictions under control, will not face any jail time or even see the inside of a court room. The county attorney's office has too many other things to worry about. If Bella can successfully complete the program, and she has you all to help her and support her, she should be fine. The goal is to have a productive citizen back in the community, and that's what we're going to make sure she is again." I was grateful that Erin explained things to everyone, even though my experiences had taught me that it wasn't always that cut and dry. If Izzy ever needed any help in that area, I would be there for her in a second, no matter what. I'd make sure she never had to worry about that.

"So are we all agreed on New Moon? Does anyone else have any other questions?" my father asked, as Alice and Rosalie flipped through brochures for the facility.

"Who takes her there? And who's going to tell her when she wakes up? She won't be happy, I know that much," Alice asked, concern clear in her voice.

"We all talk to her, we present a united front once she's woken up and had a chance to accept that she's still alive and recovering." My father made a good point in stating that we wouldn't be able to talk to her as soon as she was awake. I wondered how upset she would be once she realized she wasn't dead. So often suicide attempts are just a cry for help, but it was clear from Izzy's note that she fully intended to end her life. She didn't want to be here anymore, and I worried about her state of mind after she was awake again.

"I think we should take shifts staying with her. She could be waking up at any time, right?" Rosalie asked. "So we should take turns. Someone should be there when she wakes up."

"I agree, I think that's a good idea," Alice quickly chimed in, and I could see the two girls exchange glances, bonding over their shared thoughts. Izzy would be happy for that—the fact that her friends were becoming friends, and that her two worlds were merging. At least I hoped she would be happy once she got over the initial shock of it.

"Well, I have to work so I can't help with that," Jacob said. Everyone looked at him, watching him shift uncomfortably.

"What is your problem?" Rosalie asked, obviously annoyed with him. "You've been acting all put out since last night. What's the deal? This is my friend we're talking about."

"Yeah, exactly. She's your friend. Why do I have to come and sit with her? She probably won't even know who I am," Jacob spat in reply. Rosalie balked, clearly embarrassed by his words.

"Fine, don't sit with her. The rest of us will handle it." Rose looked over at me, her eyes pleading for help, and forgiveness. Jake was a nice guy, though he had always behaved a bit odd around Izzy and I. He never seemed to be relaxed or comfortable, though we always tried to be pleasant.

"Yeah, look, work is a valid issue. We all have it and we don't know how long this might take. I mean, Bella could go off the sedatives and still not wake up for days, right?" I said as I looked to my father.

"Yes, true, that could happen."

"Yeah, so we just need to try and balance the two things—taking care of ourselves and taking care of Bella. There are enough of us, it shouldn't be a problem." I got reaffirming nods from everyone in the room, except Jacob, who kept his eyes focused on the floor. I noticed a newly created distance between him and Rosalie, her slightly shifting away from him, and it stood out like a sore thumb as they sat next to each other on one of the sofas.

My mother leaned over to me. "What about New York? Have you changed your mind?"

I sighed before shaking my head. "No, I haven't changed my mind. I'm still going, but that's not for a few days, and I don't have to work between now and then. I'm just packing stuff, so I'll have plenty of time. Actually, I can take the nights, that way all of you can get some sleep since you'll have work and stuff during the day."

My mother piped up. "I can be here during the day for any of you that work. We'll figure it out; someone will always be here with her."

The rest of the meeting went rather well, us just ironing out any issues, getting questions answered, and committing to helping Izzy. We all agreed that once Iz was awake, we could give her a day or so, then come together and tell her about New Moon and that we were sending her to rehab. I knew she'd be upset, but I knew the laws and I'd use that against her if she tried to get out of it. If worst came to worst, I knew she'd back down once I started telling her all the legal trouble she could get into. She'd end up off of drugs whether she liked it or not, one way or the other. At least at New Moon she'd be able to go outside, not be locked into a cell twenty-four hours a day.

Rosalie offered to stay the evening with Bella, with Emmett coming in around midnight. I felt a little pang of jealousy at that, but I knew that I needed to be home with Tori. She needed to know that I was still committed to our relationship, even if I really didn't know what I would end up doing. With Jasper, Alice, and my mother all coming in the next day, I didn't need to be back until the next night. I would stay all night, and I couldn't wait for the time alone with her. I had a bad feeling that Tori would want to be with me, just to see that things were on the up and up, and I didn't have a problem with that to a point. I didn't want her there all night, so I hoped that if she did come, I'd be able to talk her into either going home or going into my father's office to sleep.

It was hard to stay away all day Sunday. As I packed, looking at relics from my past, my mind kept wandering back to Izzy and wondering if she was awake yet. I knew the sedatives had been stopped that morning, and she could be coming to at any point. We had agreed to call everyone once she was awake, and the fact that I hadn't gotten a call was a good sign. Though, if I was being honest with myself, the longer she stayed unconscious after the sedatives ended, the better chance that she wouldn't recover at all. I just really wanted to be with her when she did finally wake up.

As I got ready to leave for the hospital that night, Tori was fidgeting, pacing back and forth around the apartment. "Tor, are you gonna be okay?" I asked. I knew I should offer for her to come along with me, but I didn't want her there unless she specifically asked. I knew I was a jerk for not inviting her, I just craved my time with Izzy, and I knew Tori would be upset to see us together.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Her voice was tight, her words clipped and obviously stressed.

"Okay. I'll be back in the morning. I have my cell if you need me, you know you can call anytime, right?" I offered, reaching out to rub her arms before pulling her to my chest.

"Okay," she whimpered against my shirt. I placed a kiss on her head, nuzzling my nose into her hair. She was such a good person and I knew that all of this was really pushing her to her limits. She was wound so tightly, I was afraid she'd snap sooner or later.

"I love you, Tor. I'll see you in the morning." I pulled away and walked toward the door, stopping to glance back over my shoulder at her. I gave her a smile and wink, causing her to straighten her shoulders a bit and look me squarely in the eyes.

"I love you too, Edward. Don't forget that." Her voice was a little stronger and I knew she was doing her best to make me happy, to pacify my need to help Izzy. She smiled at me as I closed the door, and I hurried away once it was tightly shut behind me.

The hospital was quiet, most visitors gone for the night. I was once again thankful for the pull my father had and the fact that he had gotten the okay for us to be with Izzy twenty-four hours a day. Jasper was sitting in the chair next to her bed, silently flipping through a magazine, as I entered the room. He seemed like a really nice guy and after getting to talk to him a bit the day before, I felt like he was someone I could really get a long with.

"Hey ya, Edward. How's it going?" he asked, standing to shake my hand.

"Good, things are okay. How is everything here? Any change today?" I asked, bracing myself for any bad news that might be coming. Iz looked exactly the same as she had when I saw her the day before, and I was worried that she might never wake up.

"Well, pretty much the same, though she's been mumbling, saying different things. Nothing I can really make out, like actual words or anything, but she's saying something."

I smiled. "Well, that's Bella for you. She always talked in her sleep, from the first night I knew her. I remember when she moved into my house, that first night I woke up at like three in the morning and could hear someone talking. I freaked out, grabbed my baseball bat, and headed out of my bedroom. I could hear it coming from her room and when I opened the door, she was fast asleep. I thought I was going crazy, but then she started talking." I laughed at the memory of her snuggled up in her bed, her hair wild around her head, her lips puckered up while her hands where tightly tucked under her chin. She was beautiful, and it was that moment that I knew I was in trouble. I had been attracted to her from the first moment I saw her, but then to watch her sleep, so peaceful and beautiful; I knew I was a goner for this girl.

Jasper laughed. "Sounds interesting. Alice just punches me in her sleep. At least she says she's sleeping, but I don't know. She's nailed me a few times." He continued to laugh as he rubbed the back of his neck. "It's hard to explain to the guys at work that my little Alice gave me a black eye. She seems so sweet and dainty, right? Yeah, she's not really." We laughed as I tried to imagine tiny Alice taking a swing at Jasper.

As we stood there, Bella started to mumble again. Her words were extremely slurred and I leaned in closer trying to hear what she was saying. "Is that what she's been saying or is it always different stuff?" I asked, wondering if she was dreaming or trying to get a message across to us.

"She's said that thing a lot, but there have been a few other things too. I'd say it sounds like three or four different things, but she's saying them over and over again. Maybe you can figure it out; you've probably spent more time sleeping next to her than anyone else has." I nodded in response, knowing that I'd spent the better part of four years curled up at her side. "Emmett was trying to figure it out last night, but he couldn't. He said it sounded familiar, but that she never really talks in her sleep when he's with her."

I tensed up, my hands automatically balling into fists at the thought of my Izzy sleeping alongside another man. I let out a few quick breaths and Jasper quickly looked at me.

"Oh, sorry man, I didn't think about that. I didn't mean anything by it, just that Bella and Emmett have kinda been a thing for the past couple of months." I nodded, letting him know that I heard what he was saying, but didn't really have a response to the words. "Emmett's a good guy. He's Alice's cousin, she set them up. It's not too serious, though I think Em would like it to be. Bella always kept a distance between them, like she was afraid of something or just wasn't able to give herself completely. I guess now we know why."

It made me feel a little better knowing that Izzy wasn't totally committed to her relationship with Emmett, but I was still insanely jealous. "I'm glad he's a nice guy. I'd hate to have kill him, especially since he's so much bigger than me." Jasper laughed as I cracked a smile, thinking of stepping into a ring with Emmett and duking it out for Izzy's affections.

"Yeah, that might be a good fight. You know what they say though, love conquers all. I think you'd stand a good chance." He patted my shoulder in a reassuring gesture before letting out a deep breath. "So you're engaged, huh? This probably isn't a good topic in your house right now, is it? How's your fiancé taking things?"

"Oh, well she's not happy, that's for sure. She knows all about Bella and me, our history and how things ended between us. She also knows that I would never dream of going back to Bella as long as she's still using. I did it for two years, trying to help her and fix things, and I can't do it again. Tori is a good person, she's really helped me a lot and she deserves only the best. I just worry that I might not be what's best for her, especially not if I'm in love with someone else. How fair would that be to her?" I looked to Jasper, our eyes meeting, and silently prayed that he would have some words of wisdom to offer me. Something that would tell me what I should do.

"Wow, that's tough. I don't envy you, that's for sure. But like you said, you have to be honest with yourself, do what's best for you. It would be worse to lie to Tori and get married and have a family, only to decide twenty years from now that you can't do it anymore. You gotta be fair to both of them, even if it hurts. And I'm sure it will." I thanked him, letting him know that I was of the same opinion he was.

As he grabbed his jacket and started toward the door, I turned and asked him something that had been bothering me. "Hey Jasper, can I ask you something? Will you tell me the truth, no matter what?"

"Of course."

I looked back to Izzy. "Was she happy? Did she seem happy this whole time that you've known her?"

Jasper let out a sigh. "Yeah, you know, she was usually pretty upbeat and fun to be around. She was a little shy, but once she loosened up, she was really great."

"Oh, thanks." A sad feeling came over me, the thought of her not even missing me started to crumble me.

"But even with as happy as she seemed, I never believed it. She always had this look in her eyes...there was no sparkle there. No life. She would have this brilliant smile on her face, and yet her eyes seemed dead. Alice told me once that when Bella was drunk, she said your name. That she said she'd ruined things, something like that. Alice didn't know what she was talking about and Bella never said any more to her, but she did once to me. I never told Alice, I didn't think it was my story to tell."

I spun around to face Jasper, shock clear on my face. "What? What did she say?"

He paused for a few minutes, whether it was to choose his words or decide if he should tell me, I wasn't sure. "She and Emmett were at our house one evening. We'd had a lot of wine and a bit of tequila. Alice had taken Emmett into the other room, going through some family pictures or something, I don't know. Bella was on the sofa, just kind of there. She hadn't really spoken much for a while and I figured she'd crash pretty soon. This commercial came on the television for Volvo's, and she about flipped out. She started to shake—tears and everything. I didn't know what was going on, but I hurried to sit next to her, putting my arm around her. She cried for a few minutes before she started to talk."

I was waiting with baited breath, wondering what she'd said. He looked at me, sadness thick on his face. "She said your name, over and over again. Then she said she loved you and she was lying to Emmett. I asked who you were and all she said was that she'd left you, that she'd tried to save you. She kept saying she was sorry, she wanted to go back, but it was too late. She said she'd seen you with someone else, and she didn't think you'd want her. She cried until she finally fell asleep. I know she was a mess, and probably still is, and I know that you're both with other people now, but I can't help but feel like you two belong together. Just, whatever you do Edward, don't give up on her. She's a good girl and I don't know what all went down between you two, but I know she loves you more than anything. I can just sense it, even as she's laying there unconscious. I can feel the same thing from you. That's a rare gift, don't throw it away."

With that he said a quick goodnight and hurried out of the room. I pushed the chair a little closer to Izzy's bed and sat down, taking her hand into mine. All the things that Jasper had said began to run through my head. She told him that she left me for me? That she was trying to save me? She wanted to come back to me but thought I wouldn't want her? I was sick over the things she had said to Jasper, but at the same time I was relieved and thankful that she had thought about me so much during our time apart. I wondered when she would have seen me, how that could have happened. I had looked so many places for her, it made my heart ache to know that she must have seen me at some point, and I didn't even know. She was so close, and I had no idea.

I sat silently with her for over an hour, watching her and rubbing her hand as I listened to her mumbles, which were picking up in frequency. There were a few times I thought I could make something out, but then she's stop talking and I'd stop analyzing. At about two o'clock, I went out to the vending machines, getting a candy bar and soda. I wasn't really tired, but I was feeling so calm and relaxed, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders now that we'd found Izzy. I found myself nodding off a time or two and I hoped that if I got some sugar into my system, I'd be more awake and better able to hear what she was saying.

Walking back into her room, I could tell that she'd moved. It wasn't much of a difference, but there had been movement. I sat back down, taking her hand again, and was surprised when I felt her fingers squeeze mine. I looked up at her face, seeing a peaceful look there and was stunned when the long, black eyelashes that lay upon her cheeks began to move. As they slid up I was overcome with warmth, love, sorrow—brown.

Our eyes locked on one another, both of us completely oblivious to anything else going on in the room, and as her mouth opened, her lips moved, I finally heard what she had been mumbling.

"Only you, it's only ever you."

**~oOo~**

**A/N: Yeah, so sorry for that lemon. I know some of you are gonna scream at me for it, but you gotta keep in mind—Edward is still with Tori, he's not cheating on Bella. And Bella has been with Emmett, so… :D She's finally waking up, wonder how things are gonna go now. :D**

**Time for an author rec. I've rec'd a couple of my closest friends so far, but this one is someone I don't know, I just LOVE her stories **

_**lovelovelove22 – **_**I don't know how many of you know her stuff, but she's good. She has SO many different stories going too, I don't know how she manages them all. I rec'd her a few chapters back on my **_**What Hurts the Most**_** story, but I'm doing it again. Seriously, she's so good. And she updates pretty frequently too, which is shocking since she has a brand new baby. :D My prereader **_**Twilight44**_** prereads for her too, so I know I'm not the only one that likes her stuff. She doesn't have a lot of reviews, so pick something, read it, and leave her something nice. She's great, I can't say enough good things about her imagination and creativity when it comes to story lines. Trust me, you'll be happy you did. :)**

**http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/u/1951267/lovelovelove22**

**I'm on Twitter, and it's fun.  
****And this has a thread on Twilighted.  
****Links to both of those are on my profile.  
****And have you checked out PIC yet? There's a link for that on my profile too, it's good. I've been making some banners for stories that have been featured on there recently, so you'll have to look for them.**

**I'm also writing something for another charity thing. It's called Foxy Fics and I'll get a link up on my profile so that you can find it. Some AMAZING authors are writing stuff, so I hope you'll find it in your heart to help out. You'll get some pretty incredible stuff in return…I'm just saying.**

**Thanks so much for reading this and for being wonderful to me. I'm truly blessed and I don't take any of it for granted. :)**


	6. Chapter 5 She Wakes

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is four kids that are heading back to school this week, and thanks to my mom…they all have new school clothes. I don't know what I'd do without that woman. She's a saint, she really is. :D**

**Thanks to my superbeta **_**MaggieMay14**_**. She said the cutest thing at the end of this chapter. "Crud!" It just made my love for her grow even more. I didn't know that was possible.**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 **_**& **_**Unchanged Affections **_**for prereading this. Those girls make me giddy, I love them so much. They are wonderful…I sure got lucky.**

**And thanks to my girlies - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, **_**and**_** coldplaywhore. **_**I love them. So **_**Meow**_** is reading this, but I don't think any of the others are. That's okay…I know where they live…**

**Sorry it's taken a while to get this up, though actually I guess it wasn't too bad. Real Life has been kicking my behind the past couple of weeks. Now that the kids are in school, maybe I can get into a bit of a routine. That would be nice.**

**More of my words for you at the end. Let's get to Bella and see what she's been up to…**

**~oOo~**

**WIRMTS Chapter 5 - She Wakes**

It was everything I'd been missing. He was everything I'd been missing. If I'd known how wonderful things would be once I was no longer hindered by my mortal body, I'd have ended it all a long time ago. Staring into his eyes, I admired the little gold flecks that swam in liquid green. I sighed, the feel of his hand entwined with mine giving me courage, while the scent of his skin calmed me. I was happy, content, and at peace, finally able to move on past all the mistakes I'd been running from. As I sat with him, leaning my head against his shoulder, he whispered words of love, telling me that he forgave me. He told me that I was beautiful and that he'd always loved me—that there was never anyone else for him. My eyes closed as I declared my undying love for him, promising to always be what he needed.

As we sat in our perfect moment, I began to hear murmurings nearby, but when I opened my eyes I saw nothing. We were completely alone, sitting in a fragrant meadow, surrounded by wildflowers and butterflies. There was a stream nearby and I could hear the water rushing over the small rocks that made up the little river bed. Edward wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him, and I melted against his body. Blocking out the sounds that were building in the distance, I concentrated on Edward and the tiny yellow wings that fluttered around us. While I watched them, the voices became more clear, and soon I began to hear a beeping sound. I cautiously looked around, searching for the sources, yet saw nothing. Edward's hand began to smooth through my hair as his lips whispered against my ear.

"Edward, what is that? Can you hear that?" I asked as he continued to run his hands over my body, tracing the skin covering my shoulders and neck.

"I love your collarbones, did you know that? It's one of my favorite parts of your body," he said, ignoring my questions.

The noises began to grow louder, more clear, and I was becoming afraid. Our perfect place together was being interrupted, and an uneasy feeling was beginning to grow in my stomach.

"Edward, what is that? Please, tell me you hear it. It's scaring me."

"Bella, you're so beautiful, I don't know what I'd do without you."

I looked up into his eyes and was surprised to see the green that I loved so much begin to blur. His eyes closed and soon the emerald color was gone. I pulled away from him, watching as his face became translucent, the flowers behind him showing through his skin.

"Edward?" I called out, pushing myself out of his lap, yet keeping a hand on his forearm in hopes that I wouldn't lose him.

"Bella, I love you, always. Come back to me, sweetheart, please don't leave me."

"Edward, wait, where are you going? Stay here! Please, don't go!" I tightened my grip on him but was horrified when my hand squeezed through him, his arm turning to mist and vanishing. I called out to him again, but soon the rest of his body disappeared, all I saw was the green of his eyes as he opened them one last time and looked at me.

"Bella..."

He was gone, and I was alone. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. I was supposed to be with him here, not alone and afraid. Standing quickly, I searched the meadow for something, anything besides the flowers all around me. Soon enough, they began to blur and all I could see was the forest in the distance. Though the trees were green, they began to darken, and the sky turned black. I was scared and anxious, and my body quickly began to shake in fear. Spinning around, I started to cry as I frantically scoured the area for something tangible, real. In a matter of moments I was enveloped in darkness, and the sounds I'd heard before were growing louder. I whipped my head back and forth, trying desperately to see something, but all I found was blackness. I was completely alone.

Words began to fall from my lips, and I couldn't understand them. I wanted to be with Edward, I wanted the safety of his arms around me, but he was gone. Where was he? How could he leave me like this? Didn't he know how much I needed him? My body began to ache, and I felt wrong. Desires quickly grew within me, and I was unable to control them. I found myself battling over what I needed more—Edward or something that could satisfy the cravings I had, the desires that were clawing at my soul. Both needs were strong, overwhelming, but I couldn't decide on what I needed more. Tears streamed down my face as I begged for Edward, calling out to him but still unable to find him.

I felt something on my hand, warmth and softness, and I was drawn to it. I couldn't see anything, but I knew there was something there, something in the darkness that was pulling me to where I needed to be. The cravings grew stronger, more desperate, and painful. The sounds grew louder, more clear, and the beeping in the background was soon joined by a thumping, a deep thud that rang noisily in my ears. I squeezed my hand, clutching onto the warmth that was there, in fear of letting it go, of drifting away from it. I called out over and over again, but heard nothing in response.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, everything around me began to lighten, the darkness started to blur and I froze, unsure of what I would find when the haze cleared. It was traumatic, and immediately there were smells that began to assault my senses. The cravings I had been experiencing were stronger than ever, my body battling over which was more desperate of a need. I could smell something strong, something clean. There was really no way to describe it other than it hurt me, it burned my nose and I fought against it, not wanting to let it into my system. As I fought it off, another smell began to grow—one that was familiar, and I welcomed it. I tried to ignore the hurtful scent and focus on the sweeter, less potent one. It was a mixture of musk, vanilla, and something else that I couldn't place. I breathed it in greedily, savoring it and wanting more. It settled one of the cravings I felt, though I couldn't tell which one.

I felt pressure on my fingers again, the feel of skin against mine. It startled me and I quickly turned my head, trying to see something, anything, but there was nothing besides blurred colors around me. I called out, hoping to hear a reply. As I looked all around, I suddenly felt the urge to blink my eyes. As I tried to do it, my lids were heavy, and I soon realized that my eyes had been closed all this time. How was that possible? I was seeing colors, seeing blurs all around me. I had been watching Edward, even watching as he vanished before me, but maybe it was all a dream. Maybe I had imagined everything. Maybe I was hallucinating and none of this was real. I began to breath faster, scared that I had created everything in my head. I was so desperate to be with Edward I began to second guess myself.

I remembered closing my eyes as I lie on my bed, picturing Edward's face as darkness soon surrounded me. Maybe I was still lying there; maybe my hasty actions hadn't worked. I didn't want to be alive anymore, didn't want to battle my past choices and mistakes. I knew I'd ruined things for not just me, but also for Edward and now Emmett, and I wanted out. I knew it would be better for everyone if I was no longer around to mess things up. I was trying to right the wrongs I had made, and I hoped everyone would forgive me someday. As I thought things over, I suddenly became aware of the sense that I was lying down, that my body was in a similar pose as it was when I'd settled into my bed with Edward's picture. Was I still in my room? Did the pills not work? My heart started to beat faster as I contemplated waking up in the same room, in the same bed. What would I do? If the pills hadn't worked, I didn't have anymore to take, so how would I do it?

A sense of panic overwhelmed me as I moved my hands from side to side, feeling bedding that was scratchy, not nearly as soft as mine. I couldn't be in my bed; I had to be somewhere else, but where? I knew no one would have found me and moved me, I was alone when I ended things. I made sure to send Emmett away, and no one else knew what I had planned. I tried to open my eyes, but couldn't. My lids were still so heavy, they wouldn't budge. As I stilled, trying to accept the fact that I had failed, that once again I had ruined things, I heard breathing. Someone was near me, and though I didn't know who it was, in my heart I could feel him. Edward. I knew I must have been dreaming because why would he be here with me? He was with Tori, his fiancé. He had a new life now, something more than I could have given him. He deserved that much, but even though I knew it in my heart, it hurt me to think of him with someone else. I wanted him to be happy, but I was selfish—I wanted him with me.

Squeezing my hand once more, I willed my eyes to open. The bright light of the room shocked me a bit, but after blinking several times, things started to come into focus. As I glanced around me, I turned to look at my hand, to see what it was holding on to, and the face that came into my sight stunned me. It was Edward, and I felt my heart rate pick up, the beeping monitor's around me going wild. His eyes were just as green as I remembered, and I was overcome with feelings of love, of sorrow, and of hesitance. I loved him, but I was terrified. Would he accept me? Would he still want me? Why was he here with me? As our eyes locked, a connection between us obvious, I mumbled the only thing I could—the words that I had been whispering to Edward as we sat together in the meadow, butterflies surrounding us. I squeezed his fingers as the words slipped from my mouth.

"Only you, it's only ever you."

"Iz? Izzy, wake up. It's me, I'm here," he said, he voice like a liquid melody to my ears and soul. I drank it in, savoring each drop. Trying to smile, I felt my body humming in satisfaction, grateful to have him near. The left side of my mouth twitched and rose a little as my hand clasped his more tightly.

"Edward, you're here. I missed you...so much."

"Izzy, honey, it's okay, I'm here. How are you feeling?" he asked as he stood, raising his hand to my face and brushing hair away from my eyes. The feel of his fingers along my cheekbone made me groan, and I leaned into his palm as much as I could, not wanting to break the connection. His eyes watched me for a moment before he quickly turned his head and called out. "Nurse, Erin, she's awake." He looked back to me, a small smile planted firmly on his lips and a look of relief in his eyes.

Footsteps approached us and soon there was a woman standing on the other side of me, her hands fidgeting with several machines that stood next to me.

"Hi Bella, I'm Erin. I'm your nurse; do you know where you are? Do you remember what happened?" she asked. I continued to look at Edward, watching cautiously as he looked between me and the nurse. My throat hurt and I didn't want to talk anymore, but Edward was watching me so closely that I felt I needed to say something to ease the worry that was written all over his face. I swallowed slowly, pain radiating through me and nodded.

"Um, I don't think I'm home anymore."

Edward smiled, "No, honey, you're not. You're in the hospital. Do you remember what happened?" He had such anguish in his eyes, I didn't want to hurt him by telling him the truth, but I couldn't find it in me to lie to him anymore.

I nodded once, "Yeah, I remember. How did I get here? I'm not supposed to be here."

"Alice found you. Emmett called her, she and Jasper came. She used her key to get in and she found you just in time. Izzy, you weren't breathing, Jasper had to do CPR to get you back."

Alice, I should have known. At that moment I'd never regretted more the fact that I'd given her a key to my apartment. It seemed like a smart thing to do at the time, my being a single woman living alone, but now I was cursing the day she'd suggested it. The one thing I hadn't taken into account was what brought me here. I felt anger growing deep within me, but Edward's eyes held so much pain that I fought it off, refusing to let it consume me.

"Bella, are you feeling alright?" Erin asked, and I nodded, assuring her that I felt fine. I didn't really, but I didn't know her, so what was a little lie? She'd find out soon enough that I was raging inside, and she'd probably come to hate me for it.

"What day is it?" I asked, curious about how long I had been here.

"Sunday night, Monday morning I guess," Edward said. It had been two days, I'd been lying there for two days. I should have been in a morgue by that point, and the fact that I wasn't, that I was in the hospital, hooked up to so many machines, made me furious.

"Okay, if you're feeling alright then I'm just going to go let the doctor know you're awake. I'll be back in a few minutes," Erin said as she started to walk toward the door.

"Erin, could you page my father?" Edward asked. "He wanted to be alerted as soon as she woke up, no matter what time it was."

"Of course, I will." She walked out of the room, leaving me alone with Edward. As he turned back to look at me, our eyes met again and suddenly I felt calm, peace. That was the feeling I had wanted, but the longer he watched me, the more I saw in his eyes, and I knew things were not going to be easy.

"Izzy, why did you do this? How could you do this to me?" His eyes began to fill with tears, the green swimming in a painful mist.

"You don't want me, I couldn't live without you —at least the possibility of you."

His brow furrowed and his mouth dropped open. He quickly shut it, swallowing as he tightened his jaw muscles. "How could you think that? How could think that I didn't want you? What... How?"

I dropped my eyes to our hands that were still gripping one another, and then looked back up to him. "You have Tori now, you don't need me anymore." The pain of that statement hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt the air rush out of my lungs.

"Iz, you left me. What was I supposed to do? I've been looking for you for over a year, Iz. What did you expect? You didn't want me, remember?" There was so much agony in his eyes, and it broke my heart to know that I was the one who put it there. My eyelids slid closed, unwilling to accept the fact that I was the reason he was so miserable. "Izzy, look at me." I kept my eyes downcast, refusing to meet his. "Isabella, look at me," he said, his voice strong and direct.

I lifted my eyes to meet his, saddened by the icy stare that was there. "I'm sorry," I muttered, trying to appease him.

"Let me get one thing clear right now. I love you. I have never, in all my life, loved anyone the way I love you. That doesn't just stop, Iz. Just because you didn't want me doesn't mean I stopped wanting you. Do you have any idea what I've been through since you left? Any at all? I mean, did you ever look for me? Try to see me? Did you know where I was? Ever?" He watched me, waiting for an answer, and it killed me to tell him the truth. I slowly shook my head, telling him that I'd never looked for him, never tried to find him. I'd had no clue about his life over the past year. He sighed heavily, stumbling back and collapsing into his chair. His fingers slipped from mine, and I was alone.

"I didn't look because I didn't deserve you. It was better that way, I was trying to save you from what I am. You should have better than me, Edward. You deserve better." Tears slipped down my cheeks and I tried to turn onto my side, away from him. My shoulders shook from the agony I was going through, and I nearly screamed when I felt his hand on my shoulder, turning me back to him.

"Don't, don't turn away from me. Not again." Our eyes met, green and brown, and I saw the fresh, wet trail along his cheek.

"Why? It's better this way."

"No," he said. "It's not. Believe me, it's not better." His fingers began to trace along my shoulder, along my collar bones and I watched as his eyes lingered over my skin. "I love your collar bones, did you know that? It's one of my favorite parts of your body."

My mind began to swim in confusion. "What?" I asked, trying desperately to remember where I'd heard that before.

"I used to dream about them, about laying with you, tracing the skin that covered them. I dreamed of kissing them, of burying my face in your neck so that I was surrounded by you, the scent of you. There is no smell in the world that's more right to me than that." His fingers glided up my neck and to my face, dancing along my cheek to my hair. "Did you know that brown is my favorite color? Not just any brown, but the brown of you hair, because it's the same brown that's in your eyes. How could you possibly know that? I didn't even realize until after you left me that I never told you. I never said it out loud to you, I messed up."

"No, Edward, it's not you. I'm the one who messed everything up. It's not your fault." Shame burned in me and I was embarrassed about my past—about our past. I wanted to crawl into a whole and die, to get as far away from Edward as I could. I wasn't enough for him, and the reality of that was finally dawning on me.

"Bella, I don't care right now. We can talk about that later, we have all the time in the world for that, but right now I need you to promise me something. I want the truth and I want you to mean it, alright?" His eyes burned with a fierceness I hadn't seen in a long time. I nodded my head, ready to give him anything he asked for. "Don't ever try to take yourself away from me again, do you understand me?" he said. Hope flickered in me, the hope that maybe he still wanted me, that maybe we could save things between us.

"Edward, what are you saying? You still want me? But I thought you were with Tori, I mean—what? I don't understand."

He was quiet for a moment and as he let out a deep sigh, I realized I'd misread the situation. "Oh. Um, I think I need you to explain this because I obviously don't understand what you're saying," I said.

His voice sounded dead, disconnected and resigned to the words he spoke. "Izzy, I'm with Tori. I'm sorry, but that's the way things are right now. I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but for today, I'm with Tori. We're getting married, and she's good for me."

My heart sank as a gasp escaped from me. "What? Still?"

He nodded, affirming what I feared. "Yeah. Iz, I told you, I can't be with you unless you're healthy. I can't do it to myself. I lost you once, and it nearly killed me. I can't lose you again. I know I wouldn't survive it. Tori helped me, Iz. She picked me up and put me back together, and I owe her a lot for that. I do love her, just so you know I'm not staying with her out of guilt or anything. She's a good person, but no matter what, she's never going to be you." I watched as a few more tears fell from his eyes, and I wished that he would look at me. He sat staring at his lap, or the floor, anything that wasn't me.

"You should have let me die, Edward. That's what I wanted. You don't want me, I'm still sick, I have nothing to live to for. How could you let them save me?" I whispered. His head shot up and anger flared in his eyes.

"Don't you ever say that again, do you hear me?" he almost shouted.

"Why? It's the truth, and you want the truth, right?" I said with a raised voice, the fury within me taking over. The hurt was so great that I couldn't hold back anymore, I just wanted him to leave, to get out of my room so that I could be alone, but just as I started to ask, more people entered the room.

"Bella, so glad to see you're awake. You had us worried there for a bit," the man said. I assumed he was the doctor that Erin had gone to get, though I didn't know for sure. "I'm Doctor Denali, a friend of Doctor Cullen's. He's been monitoring you, but with him being home right now, he asked me to step in. He's been called, and he assured me that he would be here soon to see you. I just want to check some of your vitals really quick, if that's okay with you?" He made it seem as though I had a choice in the matter, but I knew by his actions that I didn't. He was simply saying it as a courtesy, telling me what he was going to do before he did it.

Edward stood from his seat. "I'll step out for a few minutes. I'll be back soon." He leaned in to me, his lips close to my ear. "This is not over, Izzy. This is far from over." He placed a light kiss on my temple, his hand breezing through my hair, and I ached for him as he turned and strolled out of the room. I watched his back as he advanced farther down the hallway, until finally he turned a corner and I couldn't see him anymore.

The doctor poked and prodded me, asking endless questions over the next several minutes. It was annoying and bothersome, but I humored him and gave him the answers he was looking for. By this point I had realized that I was going through withdrawals, that my body was fighting for the substances I had grown so accustomed to over the past few years. I hoped that if I gave him all the answers he wanted, he would find me healthy enough to let me out—to send me home. The sooner I could get out of there, the sooner I could get back to my little stash at home. I needed something strong, especially after the whole scene with Edward. Mostly what I wanted was to call Eric and buy as much as I could, so that I could take care of things once and for all. This time I would make sure no one found me, and that there would be no way to save me. I was done—I wanted out—and this time I wouldn't screw it up.

As I drifted in and out of sleep, the sun began to rise. The light peeking in through the slats covering the windows was not a lot, not enough to wake me up, but I did notice it as I opened my eyes once again. I was alone in my room, the nurse apparently having stepped out for a few moments. Edward had yet to come back, though I knew eventually he would. Part of me hoped he'd just leave, never return, that he'd let me go, but I knew him better than that. He would do the right thing, as he saw it, and that would be to see me through my recovery. If only he could understand that seeing him without being able to be with him would kill me all on its own, he'd give up. At least I hoped he would, and I wanted the chance to make that clear to him. I thought it only fair that he have closure on our relationship so that he could move on and have the kind of life he was meant to have.

Erin soon returned to the room, pushing a cart in front of her. "Hey Bella, you feel like some breakfast today?" she asked, her face shining brightly with a big smile. She was a pretty woman, a few years older than I was, and for a brief moment I wondered about the kinds of things she'd seen while working in a place like this. Did she feel pity for me and my situation? Did she think badly of me for doing this to myself? I wanted to ask, but instead I just nodded my head, hoping that something edible was on that cart.

She lifted a tray from one of the shelves and walked toward me. "I think we've got fruit this morning, and some oatmeal. Doctor Denali wasn't too sure how your stomach would be doing today, so he ordered some easier things for you, but if you can handle it, I could get you some eggs and bacon, or maybe pancakes. What do you think?"

I looked at her, tears welling up in my eyes. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

She set the tray down on the table next to my bed. "Hey now, none of that. You're fine, you're gonna be fine, it's okay. What's wrong, honey? Do you want me to get someone for you?"

"No, I just...I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone would find me. I should have known, but I didn't think about Alice. If I'd thought things through better, than I could have saved you from having to take care of me, but I didn't. I'm just sorry." I sniffled as tears poured down my cheeks.

"You know what? I think you're a lucky girl, Bella. I've worked here for a few years and I've seen so many people come in here with problems like yours, and only a handful have had people that love them the way your friends love you. They need you, Bella. I know you think they don't, that they'd be better off without you and your problems, but you're wrong." She smiled at me, raising her hand to wipe away some of the tears from my cheeks. "And that Edward of yours? Let me just say, he's a good looking man, don't throw that away."

"But he's not mine anymore, he's engaged to someone else."

She moved closer to me, her voice dropping. "Yeah, I saw that girl, she came in here to see you the other day. He doesn't look at her the way he looks at you. She doesn't have the same hold over him that you do. I've watched him fret and worry and basically fall apart at the thought of losing you, and I really think you're wrong if you think you've lost him."

Her words gave me hope, a lift for my spirits, and I looked up and into her glimmering eyes. "Really?" I asked my voice no more than a whisper.

She nodded at me. "Yeah, really." Her hand closed over mine and we sat silently for a moment, me absorbing the strength and determination that she had to offer. I wondered why Tori had been to see me, if Edward had brought her here.

"Tori was here? With Edward?" I asked, hoping she could tell me something—anything about the visit.

"Well, she was here on her own, though I think Edward was somewhere here in the building, just not with her. She was actually talking to Emmett, you're friend." She raised her eyebrows at me, a little hint of a smirk growing on her lips. "Girl, I wish I had the man troubles you seem to have. Two men like that wanting you…that has got to make you feel good." I laughed a little at her words, sniffling a bit and trying to get my crying under control.

"Yeah, Emmett's pretty great, too. He's been good to me."

"I'll bet. I wouldn't mind if he wanted to be good to me once in a while." The words obviously slipped from her mouth before she realized it, and she sheepishly looked at me. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean..."

I laughed loudly for a moment. "No, I get it, he's a hottie, not bad to look at, that's for sure."

We both laughed like school girls for a bit before calming down and remembering the reason we were here. "So, now that we have that all cleared up, you hungry?" Erin asked, a small giggle escaping my lips as I tried to smile and nod. My stomach growled, as if on cue, and she mumbled something about the food being just in the nick of time as she pushed the table toward me.

Once the gray plate cover was lifted, my senses were assaulted with delicious smells that had my mouth watering. I knew hospital food wasn't always very good. In the past, Edward and I had been by the hospital many times to see his father, so I'd had lots of experience with the slop that was sometimes passed off as food fit for human consumption. The plate that was laid before me was filled with sliced fruit, a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon on top of it, and a few pieces of toast with jam packets off to the side. I hadn't eaten since the dinner party with Emmett, and even then I'd thrown that up in the restroom. The thought of being full had my stomach flipping with joy, and I couldn't dig into the meal fast enough.

A few minutes later as I finished, assuring Erin for the fifth time that I didn't need more, and I wasn't in the mood for eggs and bacon, I sat drinking the last few sips of my orange juice. The sun had risen and I could see the light outside as it poured in through the blinds that Erin had insisted be opened. Nothing like a beautiful day in the southwest, she had said, trying to convince me that it wasn't too bright.

I stared out the window at the small clouds in the distance as a voice cleared somewhere in the room. I turned quickly to see who was there, and saw Edward standing quietly in the doorway, his hands shoved into his pockets. He looked scared, nervous, and I smiled, willing him to come to me.

"Hi," I said softly.

"Hi. I didn't know if you wanted me to come back or not, I kinda got the feeling you were about to kick me out."

A small laugh burst from my chest as my grin widened. "I was, but I'm glad you're back. Can you sit down for a minute? I wanted to say something."

He nodded, moving toward me and settling into the chair at the side of my bed.

"Can you scoot closer or sit on the bed or something? I'd like to have you closer, if you can," I asked. He stood from the chair and turned a little, settling onto my bed. I shifted my legs over a bit to give him more room, then took hold of his hand, laying it on my stomach as I laced my fingers with his.

"Edward, just let me talk, okay? I need to get this out and if you try to stop me, I might never get the guts to do it. Please, promise me you'll just listen?"

"Okay," he said, but I could hear the hesitation in his voice.

"You deserve better than me. From the first second I laid eyes on you, I knew I wasn't enough for you. I fought it for days, weeks even, but I wanted you so much. You were smart, funny, sweet, and oh my word, you were—and still are—so good looking. I felt like a mutant or something when I was with you. I paled in comparison to you, and I just couldn't get over it." He was looking at me, his brow furrowed as he started to shake his head.

"No, Iz,"

"Please! Listen!" He stilled and I continued. "After my dad died, I don't know what happened. I had no one, no parents, no siblings, no extended family that I really knew. I was just alone, except that I had you. You saved me, Edward. I never would have made it through all of that without you, but I knew that eventually you'd realize I wasn't enough. It ate at me, night and day. I was so worried that some other girl would come along and you'd just know you were meant to be with her. The thought of ever finding you with some other girl sickened me so much, I couldn't function. Then to add to that the depression that I knew I was going through from my dad's death, I figured it was only a matter of time."

He watched me intently, his hand squeezing mine a little as his thumb began to rub circles on the fabric covering my belly.

"I needed a way to be better for you, happier. I could see the worry in your eyes, I could tell that you were beside yourself over me. I didn't want that, but I didn't know what to do. Then one night when you were working late, Eric was home and he saw me crying." At the mention of Eric, I saw Edward's demeanour change, the muscles in his face tightening as his breathing picked up. "He said he could help me, that he had something that would make me feel better, invincible even. I wanted it. I wanted to feel better for me, and for you. I wanted to make you happy, I didn't want you to worry about me anymore. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't care. I figured I could do it for just a little while, and then as time passed, I'd get better. I didn't know what would happen."

Tears began to build in my eyes, and I saw him relax a bit, concern replacing the fury that had been on his face only moments before.

"I took the stuff he gave me, and it worked. Pretty soon, you were so happy, I couldn't stop taking it. I knew if I did, you'd get worried again, and I didn't want that. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. I'm sorry for everything." The tears finally broke free, falling down my cheeks, and Edward shifted closer to me, lifting his hand to brush his fingers along my face.

"Iz, why didn't you tell me you were feeling that way? We could have done something, found some other way to fix things. Why couldn't you just tell me?"

"I was afraid that you'd see how broken I was," I whispered.

"Baby, I loved you, I didn't care. I would have done anything for you, you know that."

"I didn't want to give you a reason to get rid of me. I know it sounds stupid, but that's how I felt." We watched one another, finally both understanding what had happened—why this whole thing had begun. I let out a long breath and continued.

"Once you found out, I was in too deep, I couldn't stop. I tried, I really did, but I could see the hate in your eyes, and I knew if I didn't act better, you'd leave. So I went back to Eric, even though he told me he wouldn't sell to me. He didn't, for awhile. I knew some of his friends and they helped me out, but before long I was out of money and I didn't know what to do. I knew you were watching my finances, trying to help me, and I was glad, but I needed it. Eric told me there were other ways that a girl could pay for that stuff, and so I did what he told me to do."

A shudder left Edward's body and his eyed closed as he most likely replayed in his mind the scene that he'd walked in on that last night. "I don't think I want know."

"Edward, the truth is always better, I know." I waited until he was looking at me before I spoke again. "I didn't have sex with anyone for the first several months, I just did other stuff. I felt like maybe if I didn't actually have sex, then it was okay. Like if I could keep that one act special, between just you and me, then it was okay. Before long the guys wanted other things, and they made me do stuff I'd never done before. It still wasn't actual intercourse, so I did it. I didn't want to, and I usually cried through it, but my body was so consumed by the drugs that I couldn't stop. It was like my body was there doing things, but my mind was gone. My mind was with you, dreaming of you, and counting down the seconds until I could be with you again. I swear to you, Edward, I only ever thought of you."

I realized I was sobbing, my body shaking from the force of my cries, and as I watched Edward, I saw tears streaming down his face too.

"Izzy, I'm so sorry I didn't know. I'm so sorry..." He was blaming himself for everything. It wasn't his fault, and I knew that, but he wouldn't let himself believe that I was a bad person. I needed to make sure that he knew I was horrible and wrong, that I was stupid and not nearly enough for him.

"It's not your fault, don't you see that? You did everything you could to help me, and I did nothing. I let myself slip farther and farther down, and I never once tried to stop. I was wrong, I was such an idiot, and I'm so sorry. I loved you so much, Edward, but even with all the drugs and the insane things I did, I was right about one thing—I was never good enough for you. I never will be."

My sobs increased, the severity of the shakes only growing harder as Edward moved even closer to me. He placed his left hand on the bed next to my waist, and he leaned into me, raising his right hand to my hair and threading it through my chestnut locks. "No, don't say that. Please don't say that, it's not true. I love you, so much Izzy. You'll break my heart if you really think that."

I leaned into his hand before pulling away and wrapping my hand around his, pulling it to my lips as I placed a kiss on his palm. "You're so good, Edward. I didn't mean to hurt you. Please, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? Ever?" Our eyes were locked on one another, and as the moments passed I realized that I had heard nothing but him since he walked in the door. I'd seen nothing but him, felt nothing but him. Even the cravings that were scraping away at my insides were quenched while he was at my side. Maybe, just maybe, if I could keep him, I could fix myself. Maybe I could really do it, if I had him at my side. But could I ask that of him?

He leaned his head toward mine, our foreheads touching. "Bella, I love you," he whispered, and I knew he meant it because he said my name, something he rarely did. I felt the softness of his lips against mine as my eyes slid closed. The kiss he placed on my upper lip was feather light and so brief. He didn't move back once it was done, instead he stayed still, soon moving a bit closer to me as he pushed his lips to mine again. This kiss was stronger, more determined, and I couldn't stop myself from returning it with as much power as I could muster.

Raising my right hand to his chest, I grabbed onto his collar, pulling him toward me. At the same time, I opened my lips to him, feeling him do the same. Our kiss grew more heated, and he slipped his tongue out, tracing it along my bottom lip. As it slid back into his mouth, he sucked ever so gently on my lip, pulling it between his and I sense the sharpness of his teeth against it. Being with him this way felt so right, so pure that I let a soft moan escape from me, causing his lips to turn up in a little smile. With his forehead still against mine, he spoke.

"I missed this," he said as I hummed in agreement.

Soon enough our lips were moving again, pressing against one another and opening wider as one tongue caressed the other. I was home as I sat there, his arms around me, and I lifted myself to him, pushing my chest against his. After a few moments, he pulled back a bit, our eyes locking together.

"Do you love me?" he asked.

"Yes, I always have."

"Then fix this, please Izzy. Please fix this for me, for us. Please." I pulled him back to me, forcing a searing kiss onto his lips, and was flying at the realization that he was returning it with just as much passion as I had for him. We tangled together for a few more minutes, getting as close as we possibly could in the situation. Soon I heard frantic steps running down the hall and Erin's voice as she ran into the room.

"Oh!" she called out, and I quickly realized what Edward and I were doing. I fell back from him a bit, reaching up to wipe my mouth and hide any evidence of what we'd been doing. A soft giggle escaped my lips and Edward and I looked at each other with a look of embarrassment, yet happiness.

"Your monitors were going crazy, I thought something was wrong, I didn't know it was just Edward doing that to you." She laughed and turned, walking out of the room.

"I guess she wanted to give us some privacy, huh?" Edward joked, and I nodded. As I sat back against the bed, I looked at my hands that were lying in my lap.

"You need to move on, Edward. If I ask you to stay, it will be the most selfish thing I ever do." I could hear the lie in my voice, and I prayed that he couldn't, but he knew me too well.

"You don't mean that, Iz, I know you. I'm here, I'll always be here for you." His hand raised to my cheek again, his fingers lovingly skimming over the flesh. "Always."

He leaned forward and placed one last, sweet kiss to my lips, letting his linger there for such a long time, I thought he'd never pull back. I hoped he never would, but as he did, I blinked my eyes open, finally able to see something besides Edward in the room. A smile took over my face and I looked at him, feeling more love for him in that moment than I ever had before. He was it for me, whether I was worthy of him or not. I needed him, wanted him, and was willing to fight for him. As I sat staring into his green eyes, getting lost a little in the lustful look he was giving me, I saw a movement behind him. I glanced to see what it was, and my heart dropped when I saw what stood beyond the windows—who stood watching us.

Emmett.

**~oOo~**

**A/N: I know, I know…Edward isn't being too nice to our little Bella. First he tells her that he loves her, then he tells her that he's marrying Tori, then he tells her he'll always be there for her. Goodness, no wonder Bella is so messed up. :D They're all going through crap right now, so just give them some time to work through things. It'll happen…eventually. :D**

**Author rec time…**

_**Bratty_Vamp**_** – you heard of her? If not, seriously, you're missing out on some of the best writing out there! Not to mention just a really great lady. She's funnier than all get out, I love her! :D She has some of the best stories I've read, and one that made me cry harder than I think I ever have…in my life! She's so good, so talented, so amazing…you won't be sorry you gave her a try. Her stories **_**The Best Man, My Escort, Love on Wheels**_**, and her new one **_**Green**_** are all so great, I really do love them. She's an incredible writer and I can promise that you'll fall in love with her stuff. It's so worth a read, trust me. She just gave into peer pressure and joined Twitter, so you can follow her there, and she's also on A Different Forest, which is a really great site—lots of good stories and fun girls. Believe me…read her stuff. You'll really like it, I know you will. :)**

**I'm on Twitter, and it's fun.  
****And this has a thread on Twilighted.  
****Links to both of those are on my profile.**

**I made a pretty new banner for this story. There's a link to that on my profile too. **

**I also wrote a cute, fluffy little o/s for a charity fundraiser called Foxy Fics. There's a link for that on my profile too. SO many good authors wrote stuff, you'll love it. It's well worth a donation since you'll get SO many great stories. Really, do it. You'll be glad. **

**Thanks for reading this. Next chapter has the group meeting with Bella. Let's just say she's not so open to the whole forced rehab idea. Oh boy…this could get ugly. :D**


	7. Chapter 6 She Rages

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own in a shiny new modem and wireless router. I have internet at home again! Woohoo! Let's hope it stays for awhile. :D**

**Thanks to my superbeta **_**MaggieMay14**_**. She bought me in that Fandom Gives Back auction and still can't think of a story idea for what I should write. Anyone wanna offer up something fun and angsty? We're listening…**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 **_**& **_**Unchanged Affections **_**for prereading this. They so totally rock. I don't know how I'd do this without them. If you see them, kiss them for me.**

**And thanks to my girlies - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, **_**and**_** coldplaywhore. **_**I love them. I got to have dinner with 3 of my school friends, and I wondered the whole time what it would be like to have dinner with my 4 girlies. I hope someday I get to find out.**

**There are two words in this chapter that will make **_**coldplaywhore**_** squee with delight. I'll bet I hear her even with thousands of miles between us.**

**Real life has sucked, sorry this is a little late. But it's long, so that should make up for it. :D This is fiction, so keep that in mind, all you medical and drug addict experts. :)**

**~oOo~**

**WIRMTS Chapter 6 - She Rages**

Emmett stood stone still in the hallway, his eyes fixed to Edward and I as we sat together on my hospital bed. As my eyes began to widen, a look of concern spread across Edward's face, and he skimmed his fingers across my brow.

"Izzy, what is it? What's wrong?" he asked, his eyes quickly scanning my body as he looked for something that might be causing my sudden mood change. When I didn't respond, he followed my gaze, turning toward the windows that showed the hallway outside of my room. With a quick intake of breath, he dropped his hand from my face and quickly stood from my bed.

Emmett's eyes were glued to mine and the hurt on his face was clear. I couldn't look away from him, the need to explain things and make him understand was strong, and I hoped he wouldn't leave before I had a chance to talk to him.

Edward stood watching him for a moment before turning back to me. He cleared his throat and I instantly looked up to him. "I'm gonna go, I should be getting home. It's Emmett's turn to sit with you, so I should go, give you two some time." He shifted nervously from one foot to the other, twisting his fingers together. I watched him as he slowly moved toward the door, hesitation clear in every step.

"Edward?" I quietly asked, worry showing through in my tone.

"Yeah?" he said, his voice filled with what sounded like hope.

"Are you gonna come back? You aren't leaving, right? I mean, like for good—you're not going to New York today, are you?" The thought of him leaving, of me never seeing him again, hurt me. I could feel my heart clenching at just the idea of it, and I didn't like it. I knew I couldn't live without him—I had to have him in my life in one way or another. My eyes began to fill with tears as my breathing picked up.

"No, not yet. I'll be back tonight, okay? I promise, I'll come see you tonight." He quickly moved back to me, leaning down and placing a sweet kiss on my forehead. My eyes slid closed as I gave in to the feeling of his skin on mine again, and I fought the urge to pull him back to me—to beg him to stay and never leave. I knew he had to go home, that he needed to see Tori, but I hoped that soon enough he would break things off with her and come back to me.

"I'll see you tonight then," I whispered, watching him as he walked away from me.

"Tonight."

With that final word, he turned and hurried out the door. He didn't walk toward Emmett, instead he turned and went the other way down the hall. My eyes were quickly drawn to Emmett's, and the hurt on his face only grew stronger. After a few minutes of us watching one another, he dropped his stare and looked to the floor. I wondered if he would even bother to come in and see me. I hoped he would. He was such a good man, and he had never been anything but kind to me. We had built a wonderful friendship and I valued him, thinking of him the same way I did Alice and Rosalie. I had tried to feel romantic feelings toward him, and I did somewhat, but never anything near the intensity I had experienced with Edward.

He turned and began walking down the hall, hesitantly slipping into my room as he approached the doorway. He still refused to meet my gaze, and I began to really worry as a whole slew of questions began to ramble through my head. What would I say to him? What could I tell him to make him understand? What was going on with Edward and I? Did I need to break things off with Emmett? I knew Edward was still officially with Tori, but did I want to stay with Emmett when my feelings for him were not nearly strong enough to justify it?

"Hey Bell," he said softly.

"Hi Em." I said, trying to make my voice light and cheerful.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, finally glancing up to me and letting me see his face. There were worry lines clear in his forehead and he looked as though he hadn't slept for days.

"I'm okay, I think. I'm not in too much pain." I didn't know how much he knew, if anything. I assumed that Alice and Jasper probably knew about my addictions, especially with Jasper being an EMT—he surely would have seen the signs, but would they tell Emmett?

"How is the withdrawal? You having any discomfort with that?" he quietly said as he looked over toward my IV pole, surveying the different bags of medications that were being pumped into my body. Apparently he knew enough to know about my situation, so I didn't feel the need to hide it anymore.

"It's okay. I think they're giving me medication to help with it, so it's not too bad yet. I still want stuff, just the habit of doing it for so long, but I don't feel like I need it yet. There's comfort in the routine of doing it, you know?" No, he couldn't know. How on earth could he have any idea what I was going through? I felt stupid for saying the things I'd said, especially as his eyes widened at my admission.

"How could you do it, Bella? How could you get caught up in crap like this? I mean...didn't you stop to think about anything? About anyone?" The look in his eyes was haunting. He wasn't just talking about anyone else in my life, he was talking about himself—how could I want to leave him? My stomach knotted as I tried to figure out what to say, what I could tell him that would let him know my feelings for him were real, but they just weren't enough.

"I don't understand, so please explain it to me. How someone like you could end up like this—it blows my mind." He sat down in the chair that Edward had been sitting in before, and his head dropped into his hands as he rested his elbows on his knees. I ached to reach out and touch him, to reassure him that I was okay and that everything was going to work out fine, but I couldn't do it. I didn't know if things were alright or if everything would work out, and I didn't have it in me to lie to him anymore. I'd put him through enough and he deserved better.

I hated living this way—drowning in a sea of uncertainty—but I should have been used to it by now. My addictions had such a firm hold on me that over the past year there had been times when I didn't even know where I would get money for groceries. It was a blessing to me that the little old couple that owned the Italian restaurant down the street from my apartment liked me, and wanted me to take home leftover's each night. If it hadn't been for them, I would have starved from malnourishment while I continued to fill my body with drugs. The irony of it wasn't lost on me—I was starving myself so that I could feed my addiction.

I tried to think of an answer for him, something that would help him to understand what I was living through, but there was nothing. Emmett was a good person, most likely never having known someone who struggled the way I did, so there was no way he could truly comprehend what I needed to tell him. I cleared my throat and attempted to make my voice sound strong and clear.

"Em, I don't know what to tell you. I didn't start out wanting to be this way, it just kind of happened and I was too weak to do anything about it."

His eyes shot up to mine, anger clear in them. "Yeah, I heard all that crap about you being depressed after your dad died. Tell me the truth, because I can't believe that's all it took to turn you into this...this girl I see. You're not the person I thought you were, Bella. Help me understand this, please." He sat waiting for my wonderful answer that would explain away all the mixed up feelings he was having toward me in that moment, but there was no explaining it away. I was not the person he thought I was, and I was tired of hiding that fact.

"I'm not what you thought I was, Emmett, I'm just not. Maybe one day, a long time ago, I was, but not anymore." I looked down to my lap, unable to look at him as I continued. There was so much hurt and resentment in his eyes, and it crushed me to think that I had done that to him—that what I'd become had caused that. "I've done things that you can't even imagine, Em. You're so good, you would never do the things I've done. I don't even want to tell you because I know you'll hate me, and I don't think I could handle that."

I heard him let out a long breath as he shifted in the chair. "Edward seems nice enough. So are you back with him now? Was I just a place holder until he came back around? Is that it?"

I looked up quickly, shaking my head. "No, that's not it. I left him because I knew what I was doing to him. I lied to him and I hurt him, and I wanted him to have better than me. You were my second chance, Em. I hoped that I could be good for you, that I could make you happy, but I'm not good. I wanted something that's never going to happen because I'm not a good person. I'm not enough for you either, and I think it finally just hit me—I destroy everything I touch." Tears began to well up in my eyes as we watched each other. I really did love Emmett, but wasn't enough, and I needed to let him go.

"Bella, he kissed you. You know that's he's engaged, right? He's getting married, he's not gonna be with you. Why would you kiss him? Do you still love him?" I was surprised by his words, not expecting him to jump to that topic so quickly.

"I do love him, Em. I always have and I always will, but that doesn't change anything. I'm still not good for him, and he still deserves to be happy. If Tori can make him happy, then that's what I want for him. I kissed him because I love him, but I'm not delusional, Emmett. I know I'll probably never get him back, and as much as that breaks my heart, it's only fair. It's what I deserve." My teeth sunk into my bottom lip as I began to nervously chew the tender flesh. The reality of my words washing over me, causing my tears to spill over and tumble down my cheeks.

"Bells," Emmett sighed as he stood from the chair and came over to me. I felt his arms wrap around my waist as he pulled me forward on the bed. I buried my face in his neck, letting the scent of him overwhelm me. It wasn't right, it wasn't the smell I craved, and as I grasped onto him, I sobbed for what I'd done to not only him, but everyone else I'd ever loved.

He held me for a long time until I finally was able to get my emotions under control. He whispered soothing words to me, stroked my hair, and gently rocked me back and forth. His shirt was soaked with tears by the time I was done. As he carefully pulled back from me, his hand cupped my face and his beautiful blue eyes met my brown ones.

"I'm not giving up, Bella. I care about you too much, and you're worth the fight. I want to be with you, and I'll do whatever I have to make that happen. Do you understand me?" His eyes held so much determination in them, I couldn't refute what he was saying. I simply nodded in response, unable to say anything else. He lowered his head and rubbed his nose to mine. After a few moments, I felt his lips on my lips, sweet and loving kisses brushing along the ragged skin of my lower lip. I kissed him back, wanting to feel the emotion for him that he so clearly felt for me, but instead all I could sense was the craving that had been lying dormant while Edward was with me. After Edward left, I felt it growing stronger, and now that Emmett was with me, he wasn't enough to overshadow my need for it. A burning licked at my throat, my lungs, and my head, and I needed to get away.

I pulled back a little from Emmett's embrace, carefully watching him as his looked me over once more. We sat for several minutes just looking at one another, while his fingers trailed along my face, my hair, and my shoulders. He was a good man, and I owed him better than what I could give him, but as I observed the way he regarded me, I knew it would take a lot of get him to let me go. He was determined, and until something incredible came along, something far out of the ordinary, he would hang on to me.

There was a soft knock at the door and I looked up to see Rosalie standing there. She smiled at me and I smiled back, noticing Emmett turn and look at her. She lifted her hand to cover her mouth as she sniffled and let out a soft cry. Emmett stood from the bed and leaned over to place a kiss on my forehead.

"I'll be back in a bit, I'm going to go call Alice and make sure she knows you're okay." I met his eyes with mine, nodding in response. He turned and walked out of the room, Rose's hand touching his forearm as he walked by her. He paused for a moment as they smiled at one another, and for just a moment I thought I saw a flash of something, a flicker that could someday become something amazing. I wondered about them, but had to make myself stop as Rose walked toward me, throwing herself onto the bed next to me and hugging me tightly.

We cried together. She was my best friend—she had been for so long—and I had missed her more than I even realized. I knew as we sat quietly together, neither of us speaking a word, that she felt the same way. She was, for all intents and purposes, my sister, and I had hurt her. But still, as we lay blissful in our reunion, I felt the screams within me. I needed something more...the craving was worsening.

The day continued on in much the same manner as the morning had. All of the people that I loved came to see me, and I cried with each new face. By lunch time I was exhausted, and Erin, my nurse, shooed Alice and Jasper out so that I could eat lunch in peace.

"So, how are you feeling?" Erin asked as she took away my empty lunch dishes. "Be honest because I know the medications you've been on are probably not cutting it anymore as far as your cravings go. The withdrawal is going to be getting worse and I can't help you unless you tell me."

I pondered my answer for a moment, unsure if I should be totally honest. I had pretty much decided that I would just play along with all of this until I could get out of the hospital, then go home and finish things up the right way. With each person that came to see me, my resolve lessened and soon I was questioning what to do. Could I really leave all of these people, knowing what it would do to them if I really did kill myself? I didn't want them to hate me and I feared that they would.

"Um, it's getting worse. At first it wasn't bad, but I can tell it's getting steadily stronger and stronger. I thought maybe it was just the habit of doing it. I've done it so long, for years, and I thought maybe it was that, but I'm not sure now."

She nodded and came around the bed to adjust one of the bags hanging on my IV pole. "There you go, that should help a bit. Dr. Cullen will be in a little later and I'll ask him if he wants to change the medication. He said for now we're good to increase the amount you're getting, but you might need something stronger soon It's just to help take the edge off of your cravings, but they probably won't go away completely. You may still be a little uncomfortable, but at least it nothing your body will become dependant on."

I nodded at her words, glad that I wouldn't be trading one addiction for another. "Erin, don't you sleep? I mean, you've been here all day, don't you go home?" I asked, finally realizing that she'd been there since before I had woken up.

She smiled. "I do go home, but I live alone, so it's pretty boring there. I prefer to be here, especially in this room because your visitors are all so good looking." We both laughed at that, and I knew that she was right. I was a very lucky girl in that regard, surrounded by truly breathtaking men.

"Yeah, they aren't too bad, are they?" I joked.

"And they smell amazing too," she whispered, causing me giggle. She smiled at me as she continued doing other things around the room.

Later that afternoon, Edward's mother came in to see me. She was just as beautiful and sweet as I remembered her being, and I hugged her for a long time. She reminded me of my own mother, who I missed almost as much as I missed my dad. Esme had been a mother figure to me while Edward and I dated, usually introducing me to people as her daughter, and I admired her for the way she so willingly and unconditionally accepted me.

At five thirty Erin brought me my dinner and told me that her shift was ending soon, that she had some type of meeting to get to later. I was sad to see her go, but she assured me that she would be back in a couple of days. She was apparently filling in for another nurse that was out of town, which explained why she had been with me so long.

I heard a knock on the door and when I looked up, I saw Emmett standing there, with a huge bundle of flowers in his hands. A smile was stretched across his face and his eyes sparkled as he looked at me.

"Hey Baby, how you feeling?" he asked as he walked into the room.

"I'm okay. Those are pretty, who are they for?" I smiled widely, hoping they were for me, and figuring I was probably right.

"Oh, these? I saw them on the side of the road, figured I'd grab a few." He let out a light chuckle as he handed me half of the flowers. It was then that I realized he had two bouquets in his hands, and just as I was about to ask who the other was for, Erin walked back into the room. "There she is, my favorite nurse."

Erin looked at Emmett, her eyes wide with confusion, and Emmett hurried toward her, holding the bouquet out to her.

"Are these for me?" she asked with a disbelieving voice as she stood frozen in place.

Emmett's dimples started to take affect on her as he pushed the flowers into her hands and leaned over to softly place a kiss on her cheek. "Yep, for you."

Erin's face grew bright red as she stifled a girlish giggle, turning to take the flowers over to her desk. As I watched the two of them, a feeling of jealousy flashed through me and I made myself stop, not letting it consume me. I'd never seen Emmett flirt with another girl, but that's clearly what he was doing. He walked back over to me and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"You feeling okay this afternoon? Any better?" he asked.

"Yeah, they upped my medication so I'm okay." I continued to watch him as he looked at me. Occasionally he would glance around the room, his gaze continually falling on Erin, who sat in the corner of the room at her desk, a goofy grin plastered on her face. It was confusing to me, watching him show interest in another girl, and I was torn between being happy that he wasn't settled on me and being angry that he was so obviously scamming on the girl only feet away from me while we were clearly still together.

"I can only stay for a few minutes, I've got a meeting in a bit that I need to go to. Any word from the doc on when you might get outta this place?" His hand was covering mine as he rubbed his thumb over my knuckles.

"Um, no, Dr. Cullen didn't say anything specific, just that maybe in a few days I'll be ready to go."

"Oh cool, that's good. I wondered if you're going to go home or stay with someone." He glanced down to the floor. "You're always welcome at my place, Bells. I could take care of you if you want me to."

I smiled at him, loving his sweet, caring nature. "I don't know yet, but thanks for the offer. I'll keep it in mind."

"Hey Bella, I'm gonna go," Erin said as she walked toward my bed with another nurse I hadn't met before. "This is Alysia and she's going to be here tonight." Erin leaned across Emmett to get closer to me, her voice dropping to a near whisper. "I know she looks young but don't worry, she's good."

She pulled back and Emmett raised his hand, placing it on the small of her back as he lifted his mouth to her ear. "Thanks Erin, we appreciate everything you're doing. You're really the best, you know?" Erin blushed again, rivaling my own blushing abilities, and turned to go back to Alysia and discuss my charts.

"What are you doing?" I asked Emmett, seeing that something was obviously up with him and Erin. How much time had he spent here while I was unconscious? Had they been flirting with each other the whole time? I intended to break up with him, but this behavior was freaking me out and the possessive side of me was questioning my need to let him go.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Sweetie. She's a nice girl, I've enjoyed getting to talk to her, but that's it. Why?"

I watched him carefully for a moment, not seeing any sign of dishonestly in his eyes or expression. "Okay, I just thought maybe there was something between you two. You seem to be hitting on her, poor girl." I knew the power of Emmett's charms—I'd been easily wooed by them.

He smiled at me, his dimples sinking into his cheeks. "You know I only have eyes for you, Bells. I told you, I'll fight for you if I have to." With that he leaned over and kissed me, hard and purposefully. I was caught a little off guard, but the feel of his lips against me soon won me over and I reveled in it.

As we sat talking quietly a few minutes later, I noticed several people walking through the hallway near my room. I didn't pay attention to who they were until I saw Alice standing in the doorway.

"Bella, you awake?" she asked, smiling brightly as me. Jasper was standing next to her.

I grinned at them, happy that they had come back. I'd enjoyed visiting with Alice earlier in the day and hearing all about the latest gossip at work that I was missing out on. I'd only been gone one day, and she hadn't even worked, so I wasn't sure how she'd kept up on all the comings and goings of everyone, but I knew better than to discount Alice and her freaky fortune teller ways.

"Hey Alice, Jasper. You came back, huh? You wanting some more of that cafeteria food?" They both laughed as they came into my room, moving to stand on the right side of my bed while Emmett sat on the left. Jasper began commenting on the weather and the fact that there apparently was a warm front moving through, causing the temperatures to steadily climb over the past few days. As we talked, I noticed Rosalie standing in the doorway, a rather reluctant looking Jacob sulking behind her.

"Hi Rose!" I said, happy to see her. She hurried into the room, which was quickly filling with all my closest friends. Jacob slowly followed her, choosing to take a seat in a chair against the far wall. No one said anything to him and he didn't make any effort to say hello to anyone else, including me.

Jacob had always been an odd guy, and I'd questioned Rosalie several times about why she liked him—wondering what about him had drawn her in so completely. He was always civil to me, though he seemed a little possessive of her and I thought maybe the friendship she and I shared was threatening to him. That possibility seemed ridiculous to me, but other than that I couldn't think of any reason for him to always act so cold and rude toward me. I smiled at him, and was not surprised to see him make a small, somewhat strained smile back to me in response.

Rose stood next to Emmett as she gushed over me, saying that I looked better than I had that morning. She and Alice exchanged a few glances, but didn't seem all that comfortable with one another. As the day had worn on and I realized I had both of my sets of friends in my life now, I hoped that maybe they would get along—that they could help each other when I was not longer here. I still longed for the chance to carry out my plans, though if I was being honest with myself, part of me hoped that chance would never come. As I watched my two best girl friends size each other up, I doubted that it would be easy, or that it would happen very soon. They were both quite protective of me and I didn't know if they would feel threatened by the other.

Emmett watched Rosalie closely, his eyes flickering back and forth between her and me, and I again had the feeling that there was something between them, though Rose paid hardly any attention to him. I figured that was good since Jacob sat stewing on the other side of the room. I knew he was only there because Rose made him come with her, but still I was surprised that he hadn't ducked out of the room yet.

After a little more time had passed, Dr. Cullen and Esme came in, each of them smiling but with something clearly on their minds. I was happy to see them, and it seemed like my room was getting smaller and smaller. I was relieved that the other two beds near me were not occupied. Erin had told me that they might move me to a private room, but it depended on what Edward's father thought, and how well I was doing.

I looked around the room, taking in all of the people that I loved, realizing that only one person was missing. Everyone seemed to get along well enough, or at least were making an effort to, besides Jacob who sat looking through a magazine and ignoring everyone else in the room. As I watched them, I noticed several more quick glances between people, some hushed words shared amongst them, and my curiosity grew. Yes, it was likely that they had all just shown up at the same time. It was evening, after all, and the first day that I was awake. It was possible that they just wanted to see me, but my suspicions were growing that this was something more than that.

The craving I'd been feeling all day began to worsen. Maybe it was the stress of having so many people around me, and knowing that they all knew about my issues. Maybe it was that I felt contained, like I was a display for people to see and observe. Maybe it was simply that the medication was losing its effect. Either way, all I knew was that a need was steadily growing within me. My skin began to itch, my eyelids growing heavy, and I was thirsty. I needed water and as I reached for my cup, Emmett moved closer to get it for me.

"I can do that myself," I snapped at him, causing him to retract a bit from me.

"I was just trying to help, Bella. I know you can do it, I'm sorry." Immediately I felt horrible for my tone of voice and I began to apologize profusely. He ran his hand over my hair, smoothing it down, and began to shush me, reassuring me that it was okay, he wasn't upset.

Alice trained her eyes on me, most likely taking in my shaking and mumbling. I could see the worry in her as she tried to carry on a conversation with Jasper and Carlisle. Her laugh wasn't real, and neither was her smile. She was concerned about me and my heart ached at knowing I was doing that to her. She raised her hand and began pulling at her necklace —something that I knew was a nervous habit for her. A feeling of dread was growing larger in me and I couldn't shake the sense that there was something more going on here—something bigger.

I was surprised to see Erin come back into the room, accompanied by a couple of other people I didn't know. She smiled at me and I flinched when I realized Emmett was smiling back at her. Why did that action bother me so much? Before I began to dwell on it, I felt a calm overcome me, and the clawing within me began to subside. I was grateful for the reprieve from my desires, but soon realized it was due to the fact that the one thing I craved more than anything else had just walked into the room.

Edward.

He was beautiful, as always, and I fought the urge to jump out of my bed and run to him. I saw the whole scene play out in my head. I would rush across the room to his waiting arms that were outstretched and waiting for me. He would kiss me, his mouth soft and tender against mine, and everyone else in the room would just fade away. He would tell me that he loved me, and we would walk out of the hospital and back to my apartment, where he would stay by my side all night, reminding me over and over again how much he cared about me. I wanted that, I wanted to be blissfully free, wrapped tightly in his arms, but I knew it couldn't happen.

His smile was tight, his lips turned up at the corners of his mouth, and there was no sparkle in his eyes like I was used to. Esme hurried to him, pulling him in for a hug and whispered words. I wanted to know what she was saying, but more than anything else, I wanted to know what he was saying back to her as he glanced toward me.

I felt a tension in the room as the small conversations that had been taking place ceased and everyone started looking back and forth at each other. Something was going on, I was certain. When Rose, Alice, and Esme sat down on the sofa across from my bed, and Jasper and Carlisle sat down in chairs on either side, my heart began to race. Edward stood silently next to the sofa, his hand on Rosalie's shoulder, and from the corner of my eye, I could see Jacob angrily seething alone on the other side of the room, his burning stare fixed to Edward's hand.

Edward cleared his throat before speaking. "Well, I guess we're all here. Erin, would you mind closing the door?" Erin turned and carefully shut the door, quarantining from the rest of the hospital whatever was going to happen in the room. A tension began to build in the air and I found myself squeezing Emmett's hand that still rested on mine.

"Bella, we have some things we wanted to say to you and I hope that you'll hear us out. We all care about you and want the best, so please just listen, okay?" Edward said as a slow dawning began to creep over me. This was an intervention. I'd seen these on television, always feeling sorry for the poor sap that let his or her life get so far out of hand that their family and friends had to step in and save them. I was the sap. I had let my life get completely out of control, and now my friends and family were saving me. The only difference was that none of these people were actually my family. I was alone, an orphan to the world, and all of these people were just replacements for the siblings I'd never had, or parents I'd lost so long ago. Even Edward wasn't my family, though I knew he had once wanted to be, but it was too late for that. I'd thrown that away and would most likely never get it back.

I began to pull into myself, feeling my shoulders hunch as the small of my back pressed against the bed. I tried to withdraw my hand from Emmett's grasp, but his fingers tightened around mine and wouldn't let go. Rose pulled out a piece of paper and unfolded it, looking across to me as she did.

"Bella, you're my best friend. You have been since the first day of freshman year. You were the only girl in the dorm that didn't hate me or think I was shallow and vapid. We were so different, but you made me want to be something more than I was. I'd always gotten by on my looks, but with you...I wanted to be smarter. I wanted to be good at something, and I wanted to make you proud. You always put so much faith in me, and I never wanted to let you down." A tear ran down her cheek, and images started to flash through my mind. Late nights spent studying so that Rose could pass her biology test. Early morning workouts where I would quiz her on paintings for her art history class. Even twenty minute lunch meetings so that I could reassure her that she was ready for her presentations and her PowerPoint slide show was good enough.

I loved Rose, she was the closest thing I had to a sister, and the things she was saying began to slowly sink in.

"Bella, you don't know what the last year has been like for me. Not having you here...not knowing where you were, I went crazy. I didn't sleep, I couldn't eat. Things aren't right for me without you here. I need you, Bella. Please, come back to me. Come back to all of us, we need you. Let us help you. We all love you and want you to get better, so please let us help." She sniffled as her tears began to turn to light sobs, and it broke my heart. At the same time, I was appalled that my friends would do this to me. How dare they gang up on me and confront me with this. I was torn as to what to feel for them, whether it be grateful that they cared, or infuriated that they thought they knew what was best for me.

Alice sat forward on the sofa, her blue eyes peering into mine. "Bella, I love you. You're one of my best friends, and I want you to be happy. We've had so much fun together over the past year, gossiping at work and shopping, going to movies and just hanging out." I saw Rose flinch as Alice spoke, most likely thinking that I hadn't missed her the way she'd missed me, but that wasn't true. I had missed Rose, and Alice had been my replacement friend, though I had quickly grown to love her, too. I tried to tune out the emotions that were sounding louder and louder in my soul as each word was spoken. I didn't want this, I didn't want help and I didn't need it. All I needed was to get away from everyone. They would all be better off without me, they just didn't want to believe it.

"I have so many dreams for us, Bella. I never told you but I used to think about what it would be like someday if we had kids the same ages, how fun that would be. We could go to family reunions and they could run and play, and you'd be my family. I want you to be my family for real, Bella. Please let us help you. I don't want to lose you." Emmett's hand tightened around mine as Alice spoke, most likely knowing that it would be because of him that Alice and I could be family. I wondered if he'd thought the same things Alice had—about us having children together. If I was being honest, the only person I'd ever wanted to have children with was Edward. I'd never imagined anything but little red haired babies with bright green eyes and my fair complexion. I felt bad as I looked up at Emmett, meeting his eyes with mine. A small breath escaped from my lips before my teeth bit into the lower lip, pushing so hard I thought it would surely bleed.

Alice sat quietly for a moment and then spoke again, her voice softer than I'd ever heard it. "You don't know what it was like to find you, Bella. I saw you lying there and I thought you were sleeping. I told Jasper to go, to leave you alone so you could rest. If he had listened to me, you wouldn't be here. I almost let you die, Bella. It would have been my fault." She began to cry as Jasper moved to kneel next to her, rubbing his hand on her back as he tried to soothe her. I watched them, the love pouring out of him and into her. They were truly a sight to behold, and I could honestly say I'd never seen two people better suited for each other, or more content with their lives.

The fact that I was causing Alice so much pain wasn't lost on me. I'd never seen her cry with so much sorrow and heartbreak. It was almost enough to sway me from my plan, but I steeled myself and looked away from her. When I heard Carlisle's voice, I had to close my eyes, unable to look at him.

"Bella, I know I have a different kind of relationship with you than everyone else in this room. We aren't as close and we haven't spent as much time together, but I want you to know that I love you. I think of you as my daughter, and I am forever indebted to you for the joy and happiness I know you brought into my son's life. He was always a good man, but when he met you, something changed. It was like a light turned on and I'd never seen him more happy than he was then." I chanced a look at Edward, and regretted it the instant I did.

He stood silently leaning against the wall, his eyes closed. As I looked closer, I saw one wet trail on his right cheek. His chest was rising more rapidly than it normally did, and I knew he was having a hard time listening to things. I could feel Emmett's eyes on me, and was a little saddened when his hand lifted from mine and the cold air of the room took residence where his warm fingers had been resting. I missed the connection to him, even though my entire soul and spirit were wrapped up in the man standing across from my bed.

Carlisle continued speaking, his voice growing softer. "Bella, I think I have a different perspective on this whole thing, being that I'm a doctor. I know the physical damage you're doing to yourself, and I know the risks you're running. I hope you will let us help you, that you'll have the desire to stop this before it gets worse. I think I can safely speak for not only myself but also for your father, who was a really good man. Please, Bells, stop." As he used the nickname my father had always used, the one term of endearment he ever expressed toward me, I felt my spirit growl. How dare Carlisle try to appeal to me by mentioning my father. He couldn't speak for my dad because my dad was dead. Didn't he get it? If I died too, then I could be with my father. That would be better than this, than just being told what my father would think or say or want. My eyes narrowed at Carlisle and I prayed that he wouldn't speak again.

Emmett stood from my bed and turned around to look at me. "Bella, you know I care about you. I don't really know where things are going between us, but I want the chance to find out. I want it more than anything." He looked down to the floor, shoving his hands into his pants pockets.

After taking a deep breath, he continued. "I know things won't be easy, but please give me a chance to show you how things could be for us. I want to take care of you. I want to protect you. I want to give you whatever it is that you need. Please, Bella, just give me a chance. I promise I won't let you down." He paused for a moment before lifting his head to face me. "And if you don't want me, I'll understand, but I still want you in my life, in some way. I've never met anyone like you, and I can't lose you. Please let us help."

Edward shifted uncomfortably against the wall, and I assumed he probably didn't like hearing what Emmett had to say. The tension in the room was growing and changing. It was something different from the unsure feelings earlier, but it was no more comfortable or hopeful.

Before anyone else could speak, words started to tumble from my mouth. "I don't want your help, any of you. Don't you get it? I don't want to be here. What do I have to live for? I have no family. My body is so completely consumed with needs and cravings, I can't see straight. I have no one, nothing. Just please, let me go."

Every face in the room stared back at me, shock radiating out from them. They began to protest, but the rage was quickly growing in me. I would never get a chance to carry out my plan if I let them continue speaking, trying to sway my decision. "Just get out!" I screamed, startling them. My breathing was picking up and I felt panic begin to spread throughout my body. My hands clenched and the cravings that I had been ignoring started to scratch and dig at me. "I won't go, I will NEVER agree to anything! Just leave!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

Jacob quickly stood and left the room, the door slamming against the wall as he opened it. I didn't know what his problem was, but I knew he didn't care if I lived or died, so I wasn't surprised that he would be the first one to bail on the whole "Let's Save Bella" thing. I didn't need anything from him, I never had and never would.

Erin started to speak, mumbling things about a rehab place that specialized in grief counseling and how it wouldn't even cost me anything, but I tuned her out. I genuinely liked her, but between her hopeful words and the glances that continued between her and Emmett, she was quickly getting on my nerves. I glared at her and the other people standing with her, really not caring what they thought of me.

Edward stepped forward, waiting until I met his gaze before he began. "Iz, you know what will happen if you don't agree to this?" His voice was cold, not the one I was used to or expecting. It was his court room voice, and it helped me to separate from what was happening in the room. "If you don't agree to go, you'll go to jail. Is that what you want?"

I seethed, spitting out my words in reply. "Yeah, at least in jail I can get what I want. I know that rehab place isn't gonna have what I need. I'll take my chances with prison." His eyes narrowed, a breathe gushing from him. As his tongue darted out, licking his lips, I had a moment of want. I wanted him so much, and I was only pushing him farther away.

"Isabella, if you don't do this, I will make sure myself that you go to jail. Do you understand that? I won't sit by and watch you destroy yourself anymore. I did it once and I will never forgive myself, but not this time. Either you do this, or you're on your own." Edward stared me down, and I knew that he was being truthful.

Something in me snapped. All the emotions that had been bubbling within me for the past few days finally boiled over and I couldn't stop myself. "Well, that will make it easy for you then, won't it? Your poor little Tori won't have to worry about me if I'm locked up in jail, now will she? Did she put you up to this? Give you some kind of ultimatum?" He stood quietly, anger rolling off him in waves. "I thought so. Geez, Edward, for once in your miserable life can't you just do something for yourself? You disgust me. Just get out. Go marry your little whore, I don't care anymore."

"Izzy, don't you talk like that. You don't even know her! She's good for me in ways that you never even tried to be!" He stepped away from the wall and toward me. The rage between the two of us was palpable and I knew the others in the room could feel everything right along with us.

"Why are you still here? Don't you get it? I didn't want you then and I don't want you now! Get out! I replaced you, Edward, and I never even missed you. Why do you think I never looked for you?" I yelled, watching the words I spewed cut into him and his face cringed, showing the hurt I was inflicting upon him. "All of you! You were replaced, and I could do it again. I don't need any of you, don't you get that?" The craving was in full effect now, making me say and do things I would never dream of under normal conditions, but I couldn't stop. I needed them out so that I could go on with my plan. I needed away from them so I could finish things off the right way. They might hate me now, but eventually they would see the benefit of not having me in their lives.

"Bella?" Rose said, looking at me with so much sorrow in her eyes, I had to look away.

"Just go, Rose. Jacob already left, you should go follow him like you always do." My words weren't as horrible as the things floating around in my head, but the way I said them got my point across, and Rose quickly stood and ran from the room, tears pouring from her eyes. She was one of the harder people for me to hurt, but now that she was gone, I couldn't let myself back out.

I looked at Alice, her sad eyes cautiously watching me. "Go, Alice. We were never really friends. Don't you see, I just used you as a replacement for Rose. I'm never going to be your family and we're never going to have kids the same ages. You're just delusional if you think that could happen." Her lips started to shake as her forehead wrinkled. Jasper straightened at her side, glaring at me. I looked back and forth between them. "You should have just let me die. It was a waste of effort, and just think of all the sex and sleep you two could have had instead. Wow, you really are idiots if you think saving me was worth that."

I watched as Alice pushed her shoulders back, ready to fight back. I knew how scrappy she could be when she needed to, how ruthless her angry streak was, but I needed to protect her—to save her from the hurt I knew I would eventually inflict upon her if I didn't get her out of my life now.

"You're not my friend, Alice. You never were, not really. Just go find someone else to spill all your gossip and needless thoughts on. I don't want to listen to it anymore, it's a waste of my time. I'd rather be dead, or high. I mean really, I _had _to be high just to listen to the mindless dribble you spouted off everyday." I looked at her, narrowing my gaze and giving her no reason to think I was lying.

She reached out and took Jasper's hand before standing up and turning toward the door. I was happy that she was leaving, glad that I was saving her from being dirtied more by me. She stopped, turning her head toward me but keeping her eyes low and not meeting mine. "Bella, I'm sorry. I wanted to be your friend and I thought I was. I'm sorry I'm not enough for you. I love you, but I'm so sorry." She pulled Jasper's hand and they left the room without another word. The room was quiet as Erin and the people with her hesitantly walked out behind them.

I was left alone in the room with Emmett, Edward, and his parents, and I wondered who would be next. I didn't have to be curious for long, as Esme soon stood from the couch and came to stand next to me.

"Bella," she said, her voice quiet and low, but still laced with anger. I imagined her as a fierce mother lion protecting her cubs, and I knew she was a force to be reckoned with. "I don't care what you say to anyone else, but you will listen to me before I leave this room. You have made some horrible choices in your young life, things that you should be ashamed of. You've done things that I can't imagine ever doing and you're making decisions now that will ruin not only you, but everyone around you." She leaned into me, her face only inches from mine. "I love you, Bella. You are my daughter, whether I gave birth to you or not, and I know for a fact that if your mother were standing here right now, she would be saying the same thing I am. You are better than this. You deserve more than this. You need to change things right now before it's too late."

I withdrew from her, actual fear pulsing through my veins. I had never seen such fury in another person, and yet she was calm and collected. The quiet in her voice was one of the scariest things I'd ever witnessed, and I quaked in the presence of it. She whispered to me, "If you make the wrong decision, I will find you and drag you to that rehab place myself, do you understand me? And don't think I won't. You know the whole saying about a mother protecting her young? Well, you are mine and I will stop at nothing to keep you safe. Don't doubt me."

With that, she leaned back and raised her hand to me, lifting it to cup my cheek as she smiled at me. "I'll see you soon." She turned and walked out of the room, Carlisle right behind her. Emmett and Edward both stood by, their eyes wide with shock at what had just happened between Esme and I. A shallow breath escaped my lungs and the tension is the room was at its thickest.

When I looked up, I found two pairs of eyes watching me, both filled with countless emotions. Emmett seemed confused, worried, and unsure. Edward, on the other hand, seemed angry, focused, and determined. I had to get rid of them both, and I knew Emmett would be the easier of the two. I focused my eyes on him and hardened my emotions.

"Leave, Emmett. I don't want you, you know that. Besides, I saw you looking at Erin. She's nice and I'm sure you two could be happy together. I'm too messed up to fit into your perfect little life. If you want me to be honest for just one minute, I never saw myself having babies with you. There's only one man I ever loved enough to want that, and it's not you." I pointedly turned my eyes to Edward, holding his gaze as I continued. "Every time I was with you, Emmett, I thought about Edward. He's the only one for me. You were a nice distraction, but that's all you could ever be."

"Bella, don't say that. I know things weren't too serious yet, but don't say that." Emmett's voice still held so much hope. I worried that he wouldn't be able to let me go, so I said the only thing I could think of that would make him hate me.

"Come on, Emmett! Face the facts, you mean nothing to me. Why do you think I never had sex with you? I mean wow, we'd get so close and then I'd just stop. Why do you think that was? Because… You. Are. Not. Edward. Do you get it now?" I yelled, raising my hand and pounding my finger against my head. "Get this through your thick skull. You're not him! You never will be! You'll never be as good as he is and I'll never want you like I wanted him. For crying out loud, Emmett, you couldn't even get me wet, you idiot. Just leave!" I turned my head to look out the window, listening as he stood by my bed, breathing in and out for what seemed like an eternity.

I closed my eyes, wanting to get it over with. "Go, Emmett, and don't come back. I never want to see you again."

I heard his footsteps on the floor, the rubber soles of his shoes squeaking a bit. His voice was soft, gentle as he spoke. "I'm sorry, Bella. I tried, I really did, but I guess I'm just not wanted." With that he left.

I sat listening for Edward's footsteps, hoping he'd get the picture and leave before I had to hurt him even more. He sighed deeply, then I heard him move and the door closing after he did. I waited for a moment and then let out a ragged breath—the pain of what I'd just done quickly overwhelming me. I was startled out of my discomfort by his beautiful voice.

"I won't leave, Iz. You can't push me away. I know none of the things you're saying are true, and I won't let you get rid of me again." He moved closer to me, sitting in the chair next to my bed.

"Edward, I don't want you. Don't make me hurt you, too." My words were quiet, but strong. His fingers were soon curling around mine, and I tried to pull my hand away, but he tightened his grip, refusing to release me. When our eyes met, I saw the pain and sorrow in his, but there was hope and love there too.

"I don't care, I'm not going," he said.

"Yes you are, remember? You're moving to New York with Tori, your fiancé. I'm nothing more than some girl you used to date. Some girl that you loved once. I'm the girl that hurt you, the girl you'll warn your sons about someday. You're leaving me, admit it." Tears began to build in my eyes, making Edward a little hazy as I tried to watch him.

"Just because I'm moving doesn't mean I'm leaving you. I'll never be able to really leave you. I tried, and even now, when things look so good from the outside, I'm in love with you. It won't stop, Iz." He shook his head slowly, as his forehead wrinkled and he sniffled.

"Edward, go. I'm not good for you. I'm only going to hurt you, and you'll hate me. Go. Have a life. Be happy. I can't give you those things."

I was sorry, and I regretted each word as I spoke them, but I could tell from the way he looked at me that he wouldn't let go. I shut my eyes and said lies that even I didn't believe.

"I hate you. You did this to me. You never really tried to help, you just sat back and watched as I got deeper and deeper into it. You liked me fucking Eric. It meant you didn't have to do it yourself." Edward breathed in quickly and his fingers tightened around mine. "Get out, I never want to see you again. Go be with your slut fiancé, I'm sure she's better at getting you off than I ever was."

When he didn't speak, didn't even flinch, I relaxed my hand and kept going. "Put me in prison, Edward. At least there I can get screwed by women who won't be so gentle and tender with me, the way you always were. Don't you get it? I don't want that!" I looked him straight in the eyes as I continued. "I wanted you to hurt me, make me scream, but you couldn't. Your cock just isn't capable of that. You're such a poor excuse for a man, Edward. Please, don't make me laugh. I got it better from Eric and his friends every single time. You never even came close to doing to me what they did. I liked it with them, I used to crave it. And you wanna know something? As soon as I get out of here, I'm calling Eric. I'm sure he'll give me anything I want as long as I suck him off and then ride him into oblivion. I'll love every second of it, and I won't think of you once."

Edward's eyes hardened and I saw his adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed. "You're lying, Izzy, I know it. But that's okay, I still love you. This isn't over." He stood and let go of my hand, walking to the door before he stopped. As he turned around and looked back at me, something in him changed and within two seconds he was standing in front of me, grabbing my face and pulling me up to him. His lips met mine with such intensity; I couldn't help but jump at the electric shock that went through me. He knew that would happen, and I hated him as he continued to move his lips, forcing his tongue into my mouth. He made me mew and moan, showing him how much I truly craved him, and in an effort to cover up and hide from him, I tried to push him away. I clawed at his shirt, the same way the cravings within me were clawing to get a hold of me. I fought against him, the same way the cravings were fighting against the hold he had over me. I pushed away from him, the same way my soul was trying to push me toward him. He had me, and he knew it. I hated him for it.

When he finally pulled away, I couldn't stop from screaming at him. "Get away from me! Don't ever come back here, just leave! Go fuck your stupid slut and leave me alone! You made your choice, and it's not me, so what does it matter if I'm still in your life? You're not choosing me so I'm not choosing you. Just go!"

He turned and walked out the door, pulling it closed behind him with a slam. The windows in the room shook and I watched him retreat down the hall, his back to me. As tears ran down my face I realized something…he never turned around.

**~oOo~**

**A/N: Hope that helped a bit with the whole Edward thing. A lot of you are upset with him for leading Bella on, but is he? And no, Emmett is not a player or a skeezy guy. He's trying to make Bella jealous, so don't yell at him just yet. :D**

**Author Rec Time…**

_**Twistedcoincidence – **_**she's incredible. Trust me. She only has three stories on FF dot net, but they are all so good, you won't know what hit you. I got to meet her last spring. We spent two hours chatting about fanfic while devouring cheesecake together, and it was so much fun. We did a little shopping first, but there wasn't anything cute to buy, so we headed for The Cheesecake Factory instead. Her story **_**Paper Cutouts**_** is in progress right now, and it's amazing. You'll love her other ones too, **_**Unraveled Knot **_**and**_** Thicker Than Water**_**. She's so good…you're gonna fall in love with her just like I did. She's in my favorite authors here on FF. Check her out, you won't be sorry.**

**I'm on Twitter, and it's fun.  
****And this has a thread on Twilighted.  
****Links to both of those are on my profile.**

**Let me know what you thought about this, if you understand Bella's reaction to her friends. Also, if you have any ideas for MaggieMay14, don't be shy! Share those babies with us, we gotta find something really good for me to write for her. She's worth it…**


	8. Chapter 7 She Concedes

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is a bag of Boston Baked Beans and a can of Cream Soda that I fully intend to consume at some point in the next hour.**

**Thanks to my superbeta **_**MaggieMay14**_**. She is always so encouraging, rationalizing things for me. I love that about her.**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 **_**& **_**Unchanged Affections **_**for prereading this. I seriously don't know what I'd do without those girls. They make me giddy and they make my stories better. **_**Twilight44**_** is FINALLY obsessed with Hydraulic Level 5, and **_**Unchanged Affections**_** has been busy pitching a new story idea to me. I kinda love that.**

**And thanks to my girlies - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, **_**and**_** coldplaywhore. **_**I love them. I miss them. More than they could possibly know…**

**This chapter was tough for me to get out, so please excuse my lateness with it. It's a little emo and sad, so some of you easy criers might want to grab a tissue or two. Don't say I didn't warn you. :) **

**~oOo~**

**WIRMTS Chapter 7 - She Concedes**

Edward didn't come back. I sat alone for two days, not one visitor gracing my quiet room. At first, I wondered if it was just because I'd been moved, if maybe no one knew where I was, but reality slowly sunk in. I had pushed them all away. It was what I wanted—what I'd tried to do—but part of me had hoped they wouldn't be so quick to give up on me.

I couldn't really blame them. I hadn't been a friend to any of them, not really. All I'd done for the last few years was take from the people that loved me, never offering anything in return. I sat reflecting on what I'd become, and it made me sad.

My nurses kept me company, trying to engage me in conversation. The new girl, Alysia, was sweet, and even though I knew we were about the same age, she seemed so much younger and full of life. She continually asked about Jasper—if he was single, if he was really going to marry Alice, if he had a brother—and it made me laugh. It was the only source of laughter I had. Erin worked one night with me, but I could tell that she was keeping her opinions to herself. I wondered if she had seen Emmett, but I didn't dare ask. I knew Emmett was only flirting with her as a way to get to me, to make me jealous, and it had started to work. Too bad for him, I wanted him to be happy, and I knew that could never happen with me.

Edward's father checked in on me a few times each day, and while he was always kind and caring, he never tried to carry on a conversation or say anything personal. That made me a little sad, but I knew it was for the best. The more distance between me and everyone from my past, the better. I was hoping to be released from the hospital in the next couple of days, and I was already planning what I'd do first. I needed to get a hold of Eric and see how much stuff I could get from him. I had a few different medications hidden in my apartment. I figured if I was able to combine them and take as much as I could, I should be able to pull off what I wanted. I didn't want to be alive and I didn't want to hurt anymore. I just wanted everything to be over.

When Dr. Cullen came by late in the evening on the second day, he told me it was Wednesday and that Edward was scheduled to leave for New York the next day. My stomach clenched at the thought, but I knew he would be happier once he was away from me and getting back to his life. I wanted to ask him when I could go home, or if I could go home at all. I was worried that I would be carted off to the county jail before I could carry out my plans. I didn't want that, but I knew enough about the jail and prison system to know that I could still get substances while behind bars. It would just take me a little longer to build up a big enough stash to take care of things, but I'd wait it out if I had to.

I stretched out in my bed, looking through the open blinds that hung in the window at the side of the room. It was dark outside and I had dimmed the lights in my room so that I could take advantage of my seventh floor view of the city, its lights twinkling in the distance. My mind wandered, curious about the people that were working late into the night in the buildings I could see. I saw a few airplanes fly by and wondered where the people inside were going, and who would be waiting for them once they arrived. My heart hurt as I realized that Edward would be on a plane just like those in a few short hours, and I would never have the chance to apologize for all I'd done. I'd hurt him deeper than imaginable, and I yearned to tell him all the things I truly felt. I hoped that somewhere deep inside himself, he knew.

There was a light knocking on my door, which startled me, and I looked away from the window to find Edward standing in the doorway. The look on his face nearly broke me.

"Hi," he softly said.

I swallowed deeply, letting out a breath before I responded to him. "Hi." Our eyes were glued to each other, and I was unable to look away from him. He stood there for what seemed like an eternity before clearing his throat and dropping his gaze to the floor.

"Can I come in?" he asked, hesitating as he ran his fingertips along the door jam.

"Yeah, of course." I watched as he cautiously walked toward me, pulling a chair away from the wall and sitting next to my bed.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, his eyes finally meeting mine again. My stomach flipped as butterflies began to flutter within it. I noticed my breathing pick up, and I strained to steady it so that Edward wouldn't notice.

"I'm okay. How are you?" I managed to say in an acceptable tone, only a slight hint of my nervousness showing through. Of course Edward could hear it—the look on his face assured me of that.

He shook his head a bit. "Not good."

We were quiet, a reverence settling over us both. "Your dad says you're leaving tomorrow."

"Yeah, I'm scheduled to."

"You're scheduled to? What does that mean?" I asked, picking up on the uncertainty in his voice.

"I don't know if I'm going tomorrow or not." His voice was soft, almost sounding broken, and I heard a raspy tone in it that wasn't normally there. I wondered where it had come from. There was emotion in his eyes, and it reminded me of when we were together, when he used to look at me, and I could feel love radiating from him. I welcomed it, having not truly felt it in so long.

"Why wouldn't you go? Don't you have to go?"

"Well, it kind of depends." He watched me closely, looking for something, though I wasn't sure what.

I needed to know what was going on, what could keep him from going to New York. "What does it depend on?"

He was quiet, his eyes dropping to look at my lips, my neck, and my chest. "You," he whispered.

"Me?" I sighed. "What about me?" I wanted him to tell me he loved me and wouldn't leave me. I wanted him to stand up and come to my bed, to pull me into his arms and never let me go. I wanted him to ravish me right there, in my hospital bed and then take me home and spend the whole night rebuilding our connection to one another.

"I can't leave with things like this, Iz. We have to work this out. You can't push me away, you should know that." His tone grew more determined as he spoke, but I could still hear the worry and uncertainty in it.

"I don't know what to do," I softly said, hoping my confusion was clear in my voice. "I can't ask you to stay, I can't ask you to give up your life for me. It's not fair, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did."

"Iz," he said, leaning forward to take my left hand into his. "Don't you know that my life is already yours? Don't you realize what you mean to me?" His thumb began to rub back and forth over my knuckles, as his fingers grazed my palm.

"But it's not fair. You deserve better," I whispered.

A sad laugh left his chest. "There isn't better than you. Not for me, anyway."

I sat still, unable to move or speak, just pondering his words. How could he mean them? He didn't love me, he was with Tori—he was marrying Tori.

"I don't understand," I said. When his eyes once again met mine, we both simply stared at each other.

As he released a deep sigh, he spoke. "You're it for me, you know that. Tori is a wonderful person, and she's good for me, and to me, but sometimes I think maybe that's not enough. I know I'm a selfish jerk and most people will probably think I was only using her, but that's not the case." He stopped, as if choosing his next words carefully. "Tori is a good person, Iz, and I care about her a lot. I've spent the past two days agonizing over what to do, and still I don't have an answer. Then it dawned on me what the problem was."

He stopped, squeezing my hand, and I silently willed him to continue.

"It's not that I don't want to be with her, and it's not that I want to drop everything and run away with you. The deal is, I can't do anything until you do."

His words made me look harder at him, my brow furrowing. "What do you mean, you can't do anything until I do?" I asked.

"Izzy, I can't choose until I know what you're going to do. I told you before, you have to clean yourself up. You have to go to rehab. You have to take control of your life. Only then will you be strong enough to be with me again."

Hearing his words, my heart began to clench. "What if I can't? What if I'm not strong enough?"

His eyes closed and he let out a long, deep breath. "Won't you even try? For me?"

I looked at him, fighting back the tears that were beginning to well up in my eyes. His thumb was still rubbing over the back of my hand, and the feel of his skin on mine sent tingles through my arm. I wanted to be able to tell him that he was enough, that I could make it if I had him. I wanted to tell him that I could beat this, and that I'd never even want another drug as long as I lived. I wanted to leave this hospital with him and never look back. None of that was reality, and no matter how much I might love and want him, I needed to face my demons before I could ever ask him to take me back. Even though I'd had him before, it hadn't been enough, and I didn't want to hurt him again. I couldn't let myself hurt him, both for his sake and for mine.

"I want to try, but I can't. Don't you get it? You're just gonna stay here long enough to get me into some facility and then you're going to go off with Tori and live this wonderful, amazing life. You're gonna leave me behind, and then when I get out, after I'm all clean and sober, I'll have nothing." The tears began to fall as I tried to pull my hand from his grasp.

His hand tightened around mine, and he actually pulled it a little closer to him. "No, Iz, no. It doesn't have to be that way. I want you. I want to try again with you, but I can't put myself through that unless I know that you are just as determined as I am to make us work. I couldn't survive losing you again, Izzy. To be honest, I'm not sure how I survived the first time."

We sat watching each other for several minutes, each of us breathing hard, fighting back tears, and trying to make the best of a really messed up situation. Finally, just when I thought I couldn't take the silence anymore, he leaned forward, bending to place a kiss on my hand. A wave of nausea swept through me—he was leaving. Panic began to grow within me as I realized this was it, this was the last time I'd see him for who knew how long. I felt myself begin to shake as he stood from him seat.

"Edward, wait," I blurted out. He stood next to my bed, looking down at me. There was a new emotion in his eyes and I silently prayed that it was not one that would lead him away from me. "Don't go," my voice shook with the words.

"Iz, I'm not going, just hold on, okay?" he said as he laid my hand on the bed and turned around, walking toward the door. My heart was in my throat as I saw him reach out for the door knob, release the door stop and push it to the frame. He was closing us inside, giving us privacy. I let out a long, deep breath, grateful that he hadn't completely given up on me. When he moved to close the blinds on the window that showed out into the hallway, I wondered what he was doing, but I waited, giving him the benefit of the doubt.

"I wanted some privacy, is that alright with you?" he asked, moving across the room and back to my bed. I nodded in response and was surprised when instead of sitting on the chair, he cautiously sank down on the bed next to me. His hand grasped mine again, and our eyes met.

"There are things to say, and I really need for you to just listen, okay? Can you do that?" he asked, the timber of his voice soft as his eyes searched mine.

"Okay," I replied, worried about what he wanted to tell me.

He cleared his throat, grasping my hand tighter in his. "Izzy, when you left..." He began to shake his head, "No, I can't..." His lips pursed as his brow furrowed, and I could see how hard this was for him. My instincts started to scream that whatever he was about to say was bad. I didn't know if I could listen to him break my heart.

Fighting back tears, I gently squeezed his fingers, trying to reassure him, even though inside I was panicking.

"Do you have any idea how much you hurt me?" he asked. I couldn't stand to see the pain on his face, the way his heart ache splashed across his beautiful features. "You crushed me. How am I ever supposed to get past that? How do I let you back into my life after all this time? After everything you did?"

A tiny gasp left my body. I knew, deep down, that eventually this discussion would have to happen, but now that it was, I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to run away, to never look back, but his hands kept me anchored to the bed. My mind immediately ran back to times in the past when I'd used different medications to numb the pain of my reality, and I began to crave the dulling sensations they had always given me. His voice beckoned me to stay with him, and it made no difference what the words were that fell from his lips. I cautiously shook my head, hoping that he would spare me the details of his anguish.

"You don't know anything about what happened to me while you were gone, so don't act like you do. You don't know Tori, and you don't know what she's done for me, so you don't get to say things about her. Do you understand that? You gave up any right to commentate on my life when you threw your ring back at me and left that night."

I tried so hard to keep the tears from falling, forcing my eyes to stay open and not blink. Maybe if I just kept my eyes open forever, the tears would dry up and I'd never have to let them loose.

"She's a good person, Iz. She helped me. She gave up things in her own life just to help me put mine back together. She's kind and she's smart, and I owe her more than I could ever pay back. You don't ever get to say anything bad about her. _You_ hurt _me_. _You_ left _me_. _You_ didn't want _me_. Do you have any clue what that did to me?" His voice was pleading for answers, begging me to say something that would fix all that I'd done to him, but I had nothing. There were no words, no gestures, nothing that could make it right. It was pointless to even try, so I stayed silent.

"When I walked in on you and Eric, I didn't believe it. I didn't want to think that you—the woman that I loved more than my own life—would ever be able to do something like that. I tried to help you, Iz. I wanted so much for you to be okay, and I really thought I was doing the right thing." His fingers tightened around mine, and the increased pressure felt heavenly. For the first time in days, I could feel something. It was more than just accusing glances and hushed words, more than awkward gestures and medically necessary touches. It was something real, something true, and as much as it pained me to sit and listen to Edward speak, I never wanted it to stop. He was mine for just this moment, and he was all I wanted. He defeated everything else I needed, and I never wanted to let him go.

I knew he wanted me to say something—anything—but I couldn't. I was silent, pondering the things he'd said, my head bowed a little as I tried avoid eye contact with him.

"Izzy, look at me. Please." His fingers soon pressed against my chin, lifting my face so that he could see my eyes. I didn't want him to look at me, I didn't deserve it, but I couldn't stop it. I knew I didn't have much time left with him, and I was greedy, wanting to soak up as much as it as I could. "Do you know what you do to me?"

I shook my head, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer. He let out a long sigh before continuing.

"I want things for my life—a whole list of things that I'm not willing to negotiate on. Things I have to have to feel fulfilled and happy. Things I need, Bella." When he said my name, called me Bella, I froze. Whatever was coming next was serious. He never called me Bella unless it was important, and usually whatever it was turned out to be something bad.

"I want a marriage. I want a wife that I can love, who will love me in return. I want a house that I can come home to every night, where I can feel safe and honest. I want children, Bella. I want a whole house full of them. I want Sunday dinners around a dining room table, where everyone talks and laughs. I want a career that I'm proud of, where I can help people and make a difference in the world."

A single tear slipped from my eyes, cascading down my cheek. It was over. He wasn't choosing me.

"I want a Valentine's Day where I can bring flowers and candy to my wife. I want barbecues in my backyard on the Fourth of July. I want to take my kids trick or treating on Halloween. I want a big family Thanksgiving at my parent's house, with kids running all over the place and getting into things. I want to kiss my wife under the mistletoe at Christmas. I want to make love to her under the tree, with the little lights twinkling above us. I want to watch her rock our babies to sleep. I want to go to ball games and track meets, to music concerts and recitals."

I nodded my head slightly, accepting that all of the things he wanted were things I could never give him. The reality of losing him was slowly crushing me, turning what was left of my heart into nothing but dust and crumbs. More tears escaped and I wished I could wipe them away, but I refused to let go of Edward's hands.

"Tori can give me all of those things, Bella. She's a good person. She loves me, and she doesn't deserve this. She's a good person," he whispered, his voice growing softer with each sentence.

He was gone, this was over. I'd finally managed to push him away. Though I had wanted to, had tried to do it for over a year, it didn't feel nearly as satisfying as I thought it would. I thought that having him turn away from me would make me feel better, like I was doing something for him, to help him, to _save_ him, but that wasn't the case at all. I simply felt worse than I'd ever felt before.

As I sat stewing in my despair, I realized he wasn't looking at me any longer. He obviously couldn't stand the sight of me and had turned away. He was slowly shaking his head back and forth, repeating over and over again, "She's a good person. She doesn't deserve this." I tried to speak, but nothing more than a sob came out. When Edward looked up, our tear filled eyes meeting again, his hands let go of mine. I watched silently as he sat back, pulling away from me.

"She's a good person, she doesn't deserve this," he said once more, and I nodded in agreement. He was gone. He didn't want me anymore. I closed my eyes, bowing my head and letting the tears fall with a fury.

"Don't make me regret this," he whispered. I looked back up, our eyes meeting.

"What?" I managed to squeak out, my voice practically inaudible.

"I want all those things, Bella, but I want them with you. Can you give them to me?"

I didn't know if I could, and my mouth fell open as I tried to say something, anything. Nothing came.

He swallowed, the muscles in his neck straining as he gritted his teeth. "Iz, if you'll try, if you'll go to rehab and fix things, I promise you that we'll try again. I don't want to give you up. Please don't make me. Please." His forehead wrinkled and tears rolled down his cheeks.

"What are you saying?" I asked, needing clarification on his words.

"I know that Tori could give me all those things, but I don't want them with her. I want them with you. I want it to be you I come home to. You that I cuddle children with. You that I hide Easter eggs with. You that I buy birthday presents for. You that I make love to every night. I want it to be you, so please, please let that happen. Please. I'm begging you, please fix this so that we can be us again. I miss you so much, please, Iz. Please?"

I was in shock, unable to process what he was telling me. Was he picking me? Was he willing to hurt Tori for me? "I don't understand," I said quietly. "I thought you didn't want me."

"Iz, I will always want you. I don't care about anything else. We can work through everything from the past, if you'll let us. If you'll just try and do what we need. You have to get help, sweetheart. We can't be together if you don't."

I nodded at his words, knowing that what he was saying was true. "I know, but what if I can't do it? What I'm not strong enough?"

"Shhh, don't say that," he cooed, raising his hand to my cheek to brush away the tears. "I'll help you, okay? You can do this, I know you can. You just have to try, and it can't be for me, and it can't be for you. You have to do this for us. Izzy, together we are stronger than anything else, so if you do it for us, then you'll make it. I know you will. I believe in you, and I know you can do this."

I leaned into his hand, craving the tenderness of his touch. I wanted all the things he'd said, and I wanted to believe his words. I just didn't know. I hadn't believed in myself in so long, I wasn't sure if I could really do it. Maybe if I had him with me, supporting and helping me, maybe I could be okay again.

"I want to kill myself," I said, my voice so soft that I almost couldn't hear my own words.

"What?" he said, panic beginning to creep into his words. "Still?"

"I want to die, to make this all go away. I didn't do it right the first time, but I wanted to get out of here and go home and do it again. I tried to push you away so that I wouldn't hurt you anymore." My chest began to shake as I spoke my deepest desires out loud. I'd never said them to anyone else before, but looking into Edward's eyes, I couldn't stop myself. The truth poured from me like an open faucet.

"Isabella, don't say that. Do you hear me? Your leaving hurt me more than I can say, but you have no idea what it would do to me if you were dead. Don't even think it, ever again, do you understand?"

I wanted to nod, to tell him I knew he was right, but I couldn't. He scooted closer to me on the bed, his hands wrapping around my cheeks and making me look at him. The hurt on his face broke me and I began to sob, unable to control my emotions.

"I don't want to be without you. I want all those things with you, but what if I can't? What if I can't have babies, Edward? What if I can't be normal? What if I messed things up too much already? What then? If we can't have children, will you leave me?" The thought of him abandoning me after everything would kill me, there was no doubt in my mind. "I couldn't survive that, life without you. I wouldn't."

His eyes searched mine. "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, okay? If we can't have children together, then we'll figure something else out. I don't care where our family comes from, as long as it's ours. You and me, okay?"

I nodded, trying to control my emotions. Suddenly a wave of reality flooded my perfect future and before I could stop myself, the words were out of my mouth.

"What about Tori? What will you do?" I asked, hesitant to hear his response.

"I'll put things on hold. I'm still moving, because I have to, but things with her will stop. You and I, we can write letter and emails, I can call you. I can even come visit, but you have to focus on you for a little while, okay?"

He was still leaving? I looked at him with worry growing in my eyes.

"You're still going with her?" I asked, an uneasy feeling slamming into me with so much force, I could hardly breathe.

"I'm not going with her, I'm just going. I told you, I want you. I will end things with her, but you have fix this first, you know?"

"No, I don't. I-I don't get it. You just said that you want to be with me, but you're moving to New York anyway? With someone else?" My head shook back and forth, unwilling to accept what he was telling me. I felt his fingers tighten and press harder into my skin, holding me still so that he could focus on me. "How is that even gonna work? I mean, are you gonna break up with her now or in a few months? What? I need something to work toward, and if you're still screwing her, then what does that leave me?"

His eyes closed and he let out a long, deep sigh. "Iz, I'll put everything with Tori on hold, okay? I won't be sleeping with her, I won't be planning a wedding with her, nothing like that, alright? Please, trust me."

My words grew softer. "But you'll be living with her, won't you?"

He stared into my eyes for a long time before nodding a little, confirming my fears. "Sweetheart, it's all set up, I can't get out of it. I'll try, I'll find a way legally to arrange things a little differently, but for now, Tori and I will be roommates. That's all, please believe me."

My heart was pounding in my chest. How could he do this to me? How could he profess his undying love one minute, telling me that he wanted a future with me, and then the next minute tell me that he was moving thousands of miles away with his current fiancé, where they would be sharing an apartment?

"But you'll be with her, and you'll get lonely. She's comfortable for you. How long do you really think it will take before you start screwing her again? What, the first time I miss returning a letter? The first time I'm not there to answer a phone call? Maybe you'll wait until I'm thirty days clean. What, Edward, what will it be?" His face was so sad, so pained that I hated to continue, but I had to. I couldn't risk everything I wanted on something that wasn't a guarantee. "I need to know that you're in this with me. I'm not strong enough alone, you know that. I need you to help me. I'm so sorry to dump this all on you, and I don't want you to think that I'm weak, but I can't do it without your support. I know I can't."

"Izzy, I will be supporting you, don't you see that?" He moved his fingers back onto my neck, letting them plunge into my hair and gently pull me closer to him. "I will be with you in spirit every minute of every day. You need this time to work on you. I want you to know what you're worth, baby. I don't ever want to hear you doubt yourself again. This can help you, it can change you, if you'll let it. Please, let it."

I felt his breath wash over me, the slight hint of cinnamon and mocha. I knew he'd been drinking coffee and I wondered how nervous he'd been before coming in to see me. He rarely drank coffee any time other than morning, except when he was worried. As I looked over his face, taking in every feature and the individual beauty of each one, I was overwhelmed by him. I had often times been rendered speechless by a glance from him, or even a casual grin, but to really study him was something else. I didn't know what I'd done to deserve someone like him in my life, but I didn't want to throw that gift away—not anymore.

Taking careful note of the way his skin felt against mine, the way the fingers gently moved in my hair, along my cheeks and lips, made me feel special. I knew there was something unique between us, and the more time I spent with him, the more I realized what a mistake it would be to throw that away. I loved him and for some unknown, completely ridiculous reason, he loved me too. As much as _I_ didn't want to be without _him_, I didn't want to leave _him_ without _me_, either. I would change things. I resolved within myself at that moment to do whatever needed to be done so that I could fix myself for me and for Edward. I wanted to be part of an 'us' again, and I wanted it with Edward. I wanted all of the things he'd said before. I wanted them badly.

"Do you promise?" I asked, my voice shaking with emotion.

He let out a long breath, moving closer to me so that his nose nearly brushed against mine. "I promise. Please, do this for us, sweetheart." His green eyes burned into mine, little golden flecks doting the deep emerald pools. I searched them for a moment, trying to find a tiny bit of dishonesty in them. It would be so easy to find a lie in his words. If he was just untrustworthy, I could send him away and finish what I'd started, but I knew as I watched him that he wasn't lying. He would give up anything I asked him to. He would sacrifice his happiness and his future for me. The desire to be worthy of that fact nearly crushed me.

"Okay," I whispered.

His eyes widened as he took in my words. "Yeah?" he said, the left side of his mouth pulling up just a bit, showing me a hint of the crooked smile I loved so much.

Nodding slightly, I replied. "Yeah."

I watched as he smiled the most heartbreakingly beautiful smile I'd ever seen. He inched closer to me, his nose rubbing against mine, and after a few moments he kissed me. It started out tentative, his lips hesitant as they gently brushed against mine. He cautiously pulled my lower lip between his, sucking lightly while his hands pushed deeper into my hair and held me securely to him. As he nibbled on my lip, I felt myself let go—release all of the pain and sorrow that I'd been holding onto so tightly. I wanted him, and I needed to make it happen.

Raising my hands, I placed them on his waist, letting my fingers curl into his shirt and pull him closer to me. I felt a sharp pain in my right hand and knew that the pressure of my grasp was affecting the I.V. in the back of my hand. I let go a bit, the pain dulling, and focused on Edward's lips, and his tongue that was sliding along my lower lip. Opening my mouth a little, I let my tongue slip out and meet his, the two pebbled surfaces touching and tasting each other. The kiss was slow, simple, and by far one of the most erotic of my life. I never wanted to stop, and as he deepened it, his warm, pink tongue fully exploring the inside of my mouth, I did something I had never taken the time to do before. I memorized each move he made, the feel of his stubble on my cheek, how quickly he was breathing, and even the feel of his shirt under my fingers. I never wanted to forget, and knowing that he could get to New York and change his mind... I knew I had to make the most of these few moments, just in case they were my last ones with him.

I prayed silently that he could move his hand to my chest that he would touch me in ways he hadn't done in over a year, but he didn't. After a few moments, his lips were soon latched onto my neck, and I had my head back against the bed, a constant stream of moans coming from each of us.

"Edward," I sighed, his name floating quietly through the room.

"What? What is it?" he asked in between kisses, his voice rushed and low, filled with lust.

Straining for purchase in his hair, I watched as my pale colored fingers slithered deeply into his copper tresses. I began to pull him close and was a little surprised when I realized he was trying to push himself away. Being that he was the stronger one of us, he easy defeated me, and soon we were staring at each other again.

"What, baby? What's wrong?" He looked into my eyes, and then moved his glance to cover every inch of my face. He seemed uneasy for some reason, and hoped whatever the reason was, it wasn't the same one that was filling me with dread at the moment. I hoped he really did want all the things he'd said to me.

I spoke quietly, my voice thick with hesitation. "Nothing, it just felt really good." His hands remained in my hair, holding my head as he continued to look at me. I reached up and wrapped my fingers around the palm of his right hand. Tugging softly, our hands slowly slid down my throat and then to my shoulder, where I paused for a moment as I tried to strengthen my resolve. Biting deeply into my bottom lip, my teeth pushing into the tender flesh there, I was nervous as I began to move his hand again.

He simply watched me, not saying anything until he realized that I had pushed our hands further down my body, and they were quickly moving lower than my neckline. They slid over my collarbones, past my shoulders, and toward my breast.

"Touch me, Edward. Please, just let me feel you. I need your skin, please?" I begged. I watched closely as he battled with what to do. A fire began to grow in his eyes, and I knew that he wanted me the same way I wanted him, but there was hesitation there. I stopped my hand, letting his palm rest of the upper swell of my breast. The hospital gown I wore was thin, and I could feel the heat from his skin.

"Izzy, we can't," he said. Carefully he pulled his hand from under mine and rested it in his lap.

"Why?"

"It's not right, Iz. Not now." He slowly removed his left hand from my hair, settling it on the bed next to my thigh. "We have to go slow with this. Kissing you is one thing, but touching you like this is something totally different. We can't go to that point yet, we have to build up to that again." Looking at his face, I could tell that he was being sincere, but it didn't help to rid me of the feeling of rejection that was quickly consuming me.

"It's okay, I understand," I said, then rolled over to my right side and faced away from him. I heard him let out a long breath, followed by mumbling. I couldn't make out what he said, but I wasn't sure I really wanted to either. The fact that he had stopped —had turned me down cold—embarrassed me, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl under the bed and wait for him to leave. My stomach was twisting and my heart racing as I lie there looking out the window at the city lights, trying to will my eyes to not cry. I could feel the tears coming, and I prayed that I'd be able to hold them off until after Edward left.

I felt the bed shift a bit and realized that Edward had stood up. He let out another long breath before speaking. "Izzy, why do you do this? I'm really trying here and I don't know what to do. Please don't push me away again. I can't handle it if you do. Please, baby, don't shut me out."

No words would come to my mouth and I lie quietly on the bed. I was completely confused and unsure about what to do, and as I listened to his footsteps walking away from me, I couldn't hold the tears back any longer. The moisture seeped from my eyes and left wet, hot tracks down my face, dropping into the pillow. I tried to be as quiet as I could, not wanting to alert Edward to the fact that I was crying, but I didn't hear his footsteps any longer. Maybe he was simply sitting on the sofa. Maybe he had opened the door so quietly that I hadn't even heard him. A thousand thoughts ran through my head as the tears increased in amount, and I struggled to catch my breath from the sobs that had begun to take control of my body.

Just when my mind started filling with memories of what I'd done in the past when this same thing occurred, I felt the bed behind me dip down, only it wasn't in one spot. It seemed to start near my lower back and then continue both up and down the bed. Just as I was about to turn and see what was happening, Edward's arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me into his chest. He had climbed into the bed with me and was lying behind me, protecting me and supporting me. The tears began anew with a fury, and I didn't have the strength to hide them from him.

"Shhhh, baby, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere." he reassured me. Settling in behind me, I let myself be consumed by his touch, his warmth, and his love. My body melted against his and I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he loved me. No matter what had happened in the past, or what would happen in the future, Edward loved me. I took comfort in that knowledge and as the minutes passed by, he continued to whisper in my ear, telling me over and over again that he loved me and that he'd never stop.

After a short time, he nudged me to lift my head, and as I did so, he slid his arm under my neck. I shifted back a little, pushing my body flush against his, and laid my head on his bicep. I could feel every inch of him and it felt so right, so natural, and I remembered all the nights that we'd fallen asleep in this same position. I always felt so safe with his arms wrapped around me, and this time was no different. As I wiggled and nestled into him, he let out a soft laugh.

"Sweetie, you gotta stop that. You don't know what you're doing to me." My mind ran wild with ideas and suddenly I realized the only thing that felt different this time. Every other time when we'd been like this, with him spooning me, I felt all of him pressed up against me, and there was always something rather hard pushing against my backside. Slowly the realization dawned that he wasn't hard this time. That, along with his laughing, made me doubt my affect on him. If he really wanted me the way he said he did, wouldn't his body be reacting to my closeness? Wouldn't he want me in all the ways that a man usually wants a woman? Wouldn't he be attracted to me physically, as well as emotionally? Fear crept into my thoughts and I pressed my eyelids closed tighter, my brow wrinkling as I once again felt the familiar sting of tears. Edward must have sensed that something was wrong and he moved his mouth next to my ear.

"What, Iz? What is it?" he quietly asked.

"You don't want me, do you?" I whispered in a broken voice.

"What are you talking about?"

I swallowed the lump that had grown in my throat and then continued. "I can feel you, and you don't want me like you used to."

He let out a soft snort and laugh, tightening his hold on me. "Izzy, you have no idea how hard I am trying to keep myself from being inappropriate with you right now. I keep thinking about my grandparents, or my cousin's baby that threw up at Christmas, or even the dog that keeps pooping in my front yard. Anything to stop myself from getting hard at just the thought of being with you. And you wiggling like you did just now was not helping."

I settled down a bit, sniffling as I tried to turn and look into his eyes. "You still want me? You're sure?"

His emerald eyes twinkled as one side of his mouth pulled up in a mischievous grin. "I can show you how much if you'd really like me to." He then leaned forward and kissed my nose before finding my lips with his. The kiss was soft and sweet, tender and loving, and as he pulled away he looked at me.

"Sleep, my Izzy. I'm not going anywhere tonight."

With that, I lay my head back down, turning to stare at the lights shining brightly outside my window. I listened as his rhythmic breathing gently lulled me, calming me and stopping my tears. I hadn't felt so safe in such a long time, and I prayed that we could always be this way. In the back of my mind I knew it was impossible. I had things I had to take care of before we could be together, but wrapped up in Edward's protective arms, I knew that I could do it. He believed in me, and I knew that with his support, it would be possible for me to fix things. I wanted nothing more than to be with Edward always, and I wanted all the things he'd mentioned tonight. I wanted them with him, because after all, without him, what would be the point of any one of those things?

I briefly thought about the events that would take place the next day—Edward leaving and me going to the rehab center, but I pushed them away and let myself be lost in the moment. Just as I began to doze off, I heard a familiar song being hummed into my ear. As Edward softly sang me to sleep, I melted deeper into his embrace and his love, letting myself be consumed by the gifts he was offering me.

As sleep overtook me, I'd never felt more alive.

**~oOo~**

**A/N: This is good, right? I know a lot of you want Edward to stay behind and help Bella, but let's be realistic. She needs time alone to work on things. Plus them being apart is where the fun of rebuilding their relationship comes in. Trust me…it will be good. Don't you remember what it felt like to check the mailbox every day, waiting for a certain letter? Yeah, kinda like that.**

**Author rec time…**

_**EdwardsBloodType**_** – What can I even say about her? You probably already know who she is, but let me tell you…she's amazing. And I don't just mean as an author, though her stories are really fantastic. She's sweet and funny and goofy and smutty and naughty and feisty… And I could not love her more. Or at least if I did, she'd either have to file a restraining order, or apply for one of those same sex marriage licenses, though that would get us in trouble since we're both already married. I'm thinking polygamy isn't really an option at this point… But I'm betting our husbands would be okay with some of it. :D Her mega story is **_**High Anxiety**_**, but she also has a fun little smut fest called **_**I'll Be Your Lover Too**_**. She's also starting a new story called **_**In Too Deep**_**, and it's nothing like you've read before. I got to preread the first chapter (nah-nah-nee-nah-nah) and it's SOOO good. Not even kidding a little bit, it's awesome. I can't wait for more of it! :D She's got a couple of other fun little stories on her profile, so check them out. You won't be disappointed, I can promise you. Plus she's kinda cute too, so that's always a bonus. :D **

**http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/u/1730732/EdwardsBloodType**

**I'm on Twitter, and it's fun.  
****And this has a thread on Twilighted.  
****Links to both of those are on my profile.**

**Let me know what you think. I apologize for the delay, hopefully it won't happen again. I just let my fears get the best of me and I got a little down on this story, but I love where it's going and I love your comments, so I hope you love it too…**


	9. Chapter 8 She Decides

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is leftover Halloween candy because we had not one Trick or Treater at my house this year. It was actually kind of nice…and luckily it's candy I like. See how that works? :D**

**Thanks to my superbeta **_**MaggieMay14**_**. She's a quick one, and I love her.**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 **_**& **_**Unchanged Affections **_**for prereading this. They're pretty speedy too, and so, SO helpful.**

**And thanks to my girlies - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, **_**and**_** coldplaywhore. **_**I get to go to a concert with **_**Meow**_** tomorrow. Well, us and 8 other people. It should be fun.**

**This chapter is a little shorter than the others have been. I figured either I could cut it here and get it to you now, OR I could keep going and it would be another week or two before it was done. I opted for sooner, plus now I can work on the next chapter of my other story. :D**

**Happy Birthday yesterday to **_**Twilighted44**_**. She'll never know how much she means to me… Love you, chickie! :)**

**~oOo~**

**WIRMTS Chapter 8 - She Decides**

Morning came way too soon, and as my eyes squinted at the light peaking through the window blinds, I tried to stretch. Suddenly, I was conscious of the two arms wrapped tightly around my waist. Panic filled me for a moment as I racked my memory and attempted to remember who the arms belonged to.

"Morning, Beautiful," said a voice just behind my ear. It was him, Edward, and as I registered the sound of perfection, I relaxed into his embrace.

"You stayed," I said in a groggy voice no louder than a whisper.

"Of course, I told you I would." I felt his nose nuzzle into my hair as he pulled me closer to him. "I've been awake for a little while, waiting for you, but I just didn't want to wake you up."

The corners of my mouth turned up in a smile. "You can wake me up anytime," I said, rubbing my hands over his.

A soft laugh left his throat. "No, I think I rather like listening to you say my name while you sleep. It's kinda hot."

I giggled, unable to stop myself. Twisting in his arms, I turned to face him. Our eyes met, and for a moment I forgot about the seriousness that lie ahead of me and us that day. A deep breath left me, and I raised my hand up to trace along his eye brow.

"How long until you have to leave?" I asked, dreading the answer.

The smile fell from his face. "My flight is at noon. It's a little after seven now." He leaned forward and placed a kiss on the tip of my nose. "I should probably leave by nine so I can run by my parents' house and grab a few things, plus I need to say goodbye. I won't see them for a while."

His hand slid up my arm, along my shoulder, and over my neck until finally reaching my face. He brushed the hair off my face and let his fingers weave through my locks. "You really have to go, don't you?" I asked, hoping that he would somehow change his mind. Instead, he nodded.

"Yes, I do, but everything I told you last night is still true. You don't have anything or anyone to worry about, okay? You just need to concentrate on fixing you so that one day soon...you can come back to me." I saw his eyes begin to pool with unshed tears. "I know you can do it. You're going to do this, right? You are?"

I nodded insistently. "Yes, I promise. Whatever it takes, I'll do it. I won't let you down again."

His mouth was soon covering mine, and I pulled back a bit. "Edward, no. Morning breath." I let out a soft laugh, but saw no humor in his eyes.

"I don't care. I only have two hours with you, and I intend to spend every second of it kissing you." He traced his fingertips along my cheek, turning them and running the back of his fingers along my jaw. "You wouldn't deny me that, would you?" He quirked an eyebrow and a smirk grew on his face. He knew I would never deny him anything, and I surrendered to him.

The next two hours flew by faster than ever before, and as the alarm on Edward's cell phone began to chirp, I tightened my hold on him, rolling onto my back and pulling him down on top of me. Long gone were my concerns over my breath, and as our seconds together ticked away, I plunged my tongue into his mouth. I wanted to feel every bit of him that I could—every bit that he was willing to give me access to—and I hesitated letting him go.

"Baby," Edward said between kisses. "I have to go. I'll be back, okay?" Finally pulling back, I looked into his eyes. All I saw there was devotion and love, and I knew that he was telling the truth.

"Okay. You promise you'll be back?" I asked with uncertainty, my eyes beginning to sting with tears once more.

"Yeah, I'll be back," he said in a low, accented voice that mimicked The Terminator. It made me laugh, which must have been his intent, and he quickly kissed the tip of my nose before he turned to climb off the bed.

"Man, that's not a very comfortable bed," he said, stretching his back as he stood next to me.

"Well, it's made for one person, not two. Though I gotta say, I'd happily deal with a backache every day if I could sleep like that every night," I said, smiling a bit and trying to keep the sadness of his imminent departure at bay.

He smiled brightly at me, shaking his head a little. "So, my mom is coming by today to take you. She really wants to do this, so please don't fight her on it," Edward said. I nodded at his words, assuring him that I would be on my best behavior. "And I think Alice and Rose are coming, too. They both love you and they're worried about you."

"I know, I kinda can't believe that after everything I said, they all still want to help me." I looked down at my fingers that were laying on my lap, twisting together. I wasn't talking about just the girls, I meant Edward too, but I was afraid of bringing up all the ways I'd wronged him. I felt like if I reminded him of what I'd done, he'd change his mind about being with me. I knew I couldn't live with that.

"You know, forgiveness is an incredible thing," he said softly. "I think it's almost as helpful to the person doing the forgiving as it is to the person who is being forgiven. Sometimes I think it's more helpful, or at least I know it is for me." I looked up and was met by his stare. "I know you didn't mean the things you did, Izzy. I know you never would have done those things to me if you hadn't been sick. I know it wasn't you making those decisions. I'm trusting you with my heart, and my future, because I know you're stronger than the sickness. You can do this." He reached for my hand, rubbing his thumb over my fingers.

Nodding, tears began to sting my eyes. "I love you," I quietly told him, squeezing his fingers with mine.

"I know that, too, and that's the only reason I can walk out this door and get on that plane."

"Edward," I said, afraid if I should bring up the subject that worried me most. "What about Tori? Please, and I know I have no right to ask this, but please don't sleep with her." The tears began to slide down my cheeks and he moved closer to me.

"Hey, stop. I already told you, it's over with her. I want you, you know that." His eyes glanced down to the bed, breaking our connection for a moment. When he looked back up at me, I saw a new emotion, something different in his face, and it worried me. "Iz, I don't want to hurt her. She's a good person and she means a lot to me, regardless of my feelings for anyone else, including you. I need to be fair to her, and I know that pretending things are okay between she and I wouldn't be the right thing to do. I can't let her believe that we're okay, and that we're still moving forward with our lives. She deserves honesty, and I promise you that I'll end things. That's the only way to be fair to her."

Letting out a long sigh, I realized I had no other choice than to believe him and hope he meant the things he was saying to me. "Okay, I trust you," I whispered. I wanted to believe that, and I would try hard to prove it to him, as well as to myself.

"So, I've been thinking about this, and I think the best way for us to handle things, at least at the beginning, is to write to each other. I know you'll get time to do that, and I think it might be easier for us to write our feelings than to say them. What do you think?" he asked.

I pondered the idea in my head. It would be so hard to be away from him, especially as I was reliving things from my past that would be painful, but I needed some form of contact with him. If this was what he offered me, then I would take it.

"Alright, how do we do it? I mean, do we promise to write everyday or once a week? Maybe we set up a time each day to think about each other? I don't know how people do this." I tried to think of something that would work for both of us. I didn't know what my schedule each day would be, once I was admitted, but I wondered if Edward would.

"I was thinking we write something once a day, either a letter or an email, whatever we can do." A smile stretched out across his face. "I like the idea about thinking of each other at a certain time each day. I think that's nice."

Nodding my agreement, I ventured a suggestion. "Maybe in the morning, so that we could start the day off thinking of one another?"

"Sure, that sounds good."

"Maybe I should see what my schedule will be and then we can figure it out?" I hesitated, hoping that he would agree.

"Okay, sounds like a plan." He smiled at me, my heart melting at the sight of it. He moved to the table in my room and pulled a pen and pad of paper from the drawer. "This is my email and my phone number," he said as he scribbled on the blank white surface. "And this is my work address. It's the more permanent of the two since I'll be moving into a new apartment as soon as I can work it out." He pulled the piece of paper from the pad and brought it to me.

I looked down at his familiar writing, it triggering so many memories from our life together. "Do you have the address for the rehab place?" I asked.

"Yes, I have it, don't worry. Plus, I think my mother is planning to visit as often as possible, as is my father. You'll probably be sick of them by the time you're through." He lightly laughed, as my heart ached.

I had missed him so much over the past year, and the thought of not seeing him for another few months nearly broke me, but I knew that it was for the best, and I trusted him. I knew I also needed to trust in us. I would do it, no matter what, because I needed him.

"I could never tire of them, don't worry." I tried to hide the sadness that was overwhelming me. I folded the paper in my fingers and traced my nails along the edges.

"Izzy?" Edward said, his voice soft.

"Yeah?" I kept my eyes cast down at the bed, focusing on the sheet that was covering me, so that I wouldn't burst out in sobs. He had to leave, and I knew my time with him was over for now. I didn't want to make things harder than they already were. If I could just hold it together for a few more minutes, I'd let myself fall apart as he left.

He cleared his throat and stepped closer to my bed. "Sweetheart, look at me please." His voice cracked and I felt my heart sink. Raising my eyes to meet his, my mask crumbled. Tears that had been holding steady in my eyes burst forth. My lips began to quiver as my forehead crinkled. Whimpers sounded from my throat and I knew that trying to hide my sorrow was useless.

"I'm sorry," I managed to whisper.

"No, baby, don't. It's okay, we're gonna be okay, I promise." With that, he was next to me, his arms wrapped tightly around me as I clung to him. My hands clawed at his back and my face buried into his chest. I felt him leaning his head down, his face in my hair. His chest shook a bit, and I realized that he was crying, too. This was just as painful and difficult for him as it was for me. That knowledge gave me a sense of peace, regardless of how twisted and wrong that seem.

"I love you, Edward. I'm so sorry for this. I'm sorry I messed things up and that I broke us. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough. I'm so sorry, please forgive me," I sobbed into his shirt. My tears were flowing with a vengeance, and try as he might, I was inconsolable. He smoothed my hair and whispered words of love and encouragement to me until I was finally able to get myself under control several minutes later. I didn't want to let him go, but I knew it was well past the time he needed to leave.

Edward pulled back from me a bit and angled my face up toward him with his hands. After brushing his thumbs across my cheeks and wiping away my tears, he looked at me. For what seemed like hours, but couldn't have been more than a few seconds, he stood stone still and simply _looked_ at me. His eyes covered every centimeter of my face, as though he was memorizing it all. Once our eyes met again, and I could see my pain and sadness reflected in him, he leaned down—his nose touching mine. He lightly rubbed it back and forth, an innocent act that reminded me of a much simpler time for us.

"I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I never will. I'll be waiting for you, no matter how long it takes." He paused, taking a deep breath and then letting it out slowly, the air fanning across my face. "Please don't make me wait too long." His eyes were so intense as they burned into mine, that I couldn't react. I wanted nothing more than to scream at the top of my lungs that he was it for me; that I'd never want anyone else but him, but I was frozen, like a deer caught in the headlights of a car.

His lips were soon on mine, and I felt my eyelids slide closed. It was natural and comfortable, kissing him this way, and I let go for just a moment, enjoying the feel and taste of him. His hands still lay on my cheeks, and he tilted me a bit when he deepened the kiss. His tongue slid easily into my mouth and I pressed mine against it. As my hands stayed on his back, grasping onto his shirt, I let him dominate me. Never in my life had I felt more loved, not even during all of the other times we had been like this. Edward owned me—body and soul—and suddenly I knew that I needed to prove that to him. He was just as unsure as I was, and if he could believe in me, then I could, too.

As we pulled apart, I resolved that I wouldn't stop until I had proven to him what he meant to me. I'd made mistakes, but I needed to fix them. I needed to be better _for_ him, so that I could be better _with_ him. I would do it, no matter what it took.

I watched him for a few moments and finally let a small smile break across my face. "You have to go, you'll be late."

He sighed, swallowing harshly before he nodded in response to my words. "I know, but I don't want to leave you. I'm afraid if I do..."

"Shhhh, don't say that. It's gonna be fine. We're gonna be fine, don't worry. I'll talk to you soon, okay? Go...you need to go and take care of things. I'll be fine here, don't worry. Your mom and dad are here, and all my friends... I'm gonna be okay. And I'll be waiting for you when you get back." I smiled a little brighter, hoping that he would hear the sincerity in my words, and believe that I really would be okay. I would miss him, obviously, and this would be the hardest thing I'd ever done, but I would do it. In the end, I would have Edward and happiness, and we would be better.

"I love you, Isabella. Always." He placed a sweet and lingering kiss on my forehead, then stepped away from me, shoving his hands in his pockets. I leaned back against my pillow, tightening my fingers around the piece of paper that still lay in my hand.

"Always, no matter what," I said as I smiled and raised my fingers to my lips. I kissed them and then blew it to Edward. "I love you..." I whispered. He smiled, a slight laugh escaping his mouth, and then he winked at me.

With a heavy heart and a new resolve, I watched him walk to the window and open the blinds, finally letting the world back into our little piece of perfection. He turned and walked away, leaving my room and slowly proceeding down the hall. Every few steps, he would glance over his shoulder and look at me through the window, flashing the smile I loved so much. He was worth whatever pain I had to endure. I would make it, because I knew that he would be waiting for me.

I stared at the outside window for several minutes after Edward left, wondering how the rest of the day would go for me. I worried about him getting to New York. I wondered if Tori would pick him up from the airport, or if he'd catch a cab. I wondered if he would eat dinner with her, or if he'd stop for something along the way. I wondered if she would be waiting in his bed, or if he would sleep on the couch. So many thoughts were running through my mind that I was literally going crazy. Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore—that I needed to find a way onto the next flight bound for New York City—the new nurse Alysia walked into the room.

"Good morning!" she said in a rather cheerful voice. "It's an exciting day today, isn't it?"

"Yes, I guess."

I stayed quiet as she busied herself around the room, checking machines, making notes in charts, and adjusting drip rates. When she asked if I'd like to get out of bed for a bit, I felt a new wave of determination surge through me. I had been stuck in my bed for days, and it would feel wonderful to stretch my legs a bit.

"This might be a little uncomfortable, but we need to remove your I.V.'s, and then we can get you going." She went to work gathering the supplies she would need, and I gritted my teeth when she told me to. Before long, she had me standing on my feet, my legs a bit shaky, and she was helping me to the small restroom off to the side of my room. "Once you're feeling a little sturdier, you might like trying a shower." The idea sounded heavenly, and I couldn't wait to feel the hot water pouring over my body.

She let me brush my teeth, and then comb through my hair. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw the dark circles under my eyes, and how pale my complexion was. It was a little startling to see myself in that way, and I felt sad for making Edward look at me all that time. How he could see the things I was seeing and still want me was inconceivable. He never ceased to amaze me, but the thought of standing next to him—Mr. Greek God—looking as disheveled and ghastly as I did, really bothered me. He deserved someone as beautiful as he was, both on the inside and out. Straightening my shoulders, I decided that I would be that person for him again, and that today when Esme came to take me to the rehab center, I would be positive and excited about the new possibilities it was offering me.

Alysia brought me some shampoo and soap and then helped me adjust the water temperature in the shower. The clothes she gave me were not normal hospital wear, but I didn't recognize them either.

"Where did these come from?" I asked her before she stepped out of the bathroom.

"Oh, your friend brought them, that tiny girl with the black hair? The one that comes here with Jasper sometimes?"

"Alice, I should have known." I looked at the clothes and smiled, happy to see that they were a color other than pink, and there didn't appear to be any sequins, glitter, or even lace on them. Of course, they were folded up, so I knew I could still be in for a surprise once I put them on.

"So, that Jasper guy...is he coming to see you today before you go?" Alysia asked, carefully rearranging the toiletries she had placed near the sink for me.

"Uh, I doubt it. Why?" I asked, fidgeting with the tie on my robe and desperately wanting to crawl under the hot, steaming water just inches from me.

"Oh, I just wondered. He seems nice." She glanced up at me, and when our eyes met, she quickly looked down again, blushing.

"Well, yeah, he's great. You know, he's an EMT. He brings people into the emergency room quite a bit; you should hang around down there sometimes."

Her face lit up at my words. "Really?" she asked, clearly hanging on my answer.

"Yep. You know he's...engaged." She was gone before I even got out two words. I listened for a moment as buttons on the phone in my room where pushed, and then she began speaking.

"Hey Ruth, it's Alysia. Um, do you know if there are any openings in the ER? No? Is there a list or something? Yeah, okay, can you put me on that? Oh thanks, that would be great," she said, her voice quieting as her excitement level fell.

I laughed a bit before taking off my gown and stepping into the shower. The streams of steaming water pounded into my skin, loosening the knots in my muscles and relaxing me. The fresh smell of the soap made me feel clean and pure, even for just a moment. Pouring the shampoo into my hand and then scrubbing it into my hair, I enjoyed the feel of my nails against my scalp as I scratched and worked my hair into a lather. Everything smelled and felt so good, and I felt so awake for once. It was invigorating, and I was grateful for the simple pleasures that the shower afforded me.

After soaking for several minutes, I heard Alysia talking in my room, and assumed that someone was probably here to see me. I dried off quickly and got dressed, only wobbling on my legs a couple of times. I was starting to feel the urges that had been numbed for so many days. Now that Edward was gone, and I wasn't receiving a constant supply of medication, my body began to crave the substances I was so used to giving it. In my mind, I battled against the desire, knowing that it would be hard, but that this was only the beginning. I wanted to be better. I wanted Edward. I wanted to be happy. I wanted all of those things more than I wanted the drugs, and I repeated that over and over in my head as I stepped out of the bathroom.

Esme and Alice were sitting on the sofa in the room, happily talking to one another. They both looked up when the door opened, and instantly Esme was up and across the room to me. She swept me into her arms and all the tears that I had managed to hold back after Edward left came flooding to my eyes. I hugged her for a long time, refusing to let go as she softly patted my back and we swayed from side to side. I felt as though she was rocking me, the way she would a small child, and it was comforting. She was the closest thing I'd had to a mother since my own mother died when I was a young girl, and I was grateful to her for not giving up on me.

After several minutes, I felt another pair of arms around me, then Alice laying her head against my back. I could feel her chest shaking, and I knew that she was crying along with me.

"Are you ready to go, my dear?" Esme said quietly.

I straightened up, loosening the hold I had on her. "Yes, I think so."

She smiled at me. "Edward came by this morning on his way. He looked so happy, Bella." She raised her hands up and placed them on my cheeks, wiping away the tears that were still falling. "You are such a beautiful girl. I can see why my son is so taken with you." She stared into my eyes for what felt like months before letting out a long breath. "Oh, my sweet girl..." Pulling me back into her arms, I melted again, sobbing uncontrollably.

"We should probably get ready to go," Alice said, as she let go of me and stepped back, dropping her hand to my lower back and rubbing it in circles.

"Yes, Carlisle will be by in a few minutes to see you one last time before his discharges you. Are you comfortable, or is there anything that you need?" Esme asked.

"I'm good. I'm a bit hungry, but I can probably make it a little while. How long until we get there?" I asked, not sure of what the distance we were traveling was.

Esme brushed a strand of my hair back behind my ear. "Oh honey, it's going to be a few hours, by the time we get out of here and drive there, and then getting you all settled in. We should probably eat something here before we go. Would you like me to find that nurse of yours for you?"

I nodded, and Esme smiled before scurrying off to find Alysia. Alice and I were left alone, and as we looked at each other, I knew I needed to apologize for the things I'd said to her a few nights earlier.

"Ali..." I could see the hurt in her eyes as she tried to hide it.

"It's okay, Bella. I know you didn't mean it."

"It's not okay. Whether I meant it or not, I still never should have said it. I'm so sorry. I love you, I hope you know that. You're one of my best friends, and I'm so sorry I treated you that way. Thank you for coming today. It means so much to me." I nervously bit into my lip, hoping that she would say something and forgive my selfish act.

"I love you too, Bella. I get it, and I appreciate you apologizing, but I need to apologize to you too." She looked down to her feet and shifted nervously. "I wasn't strong enough that night. I knew you would say things and do things that you didn't mean, and yet I still let myself believe what you said. I should have known you didn't mean it, but I let myself be convinced that it was true. I'm so sorry I left, I shouldn't have. I should have stayed and fought, and I didn't. Please forgive me?"

She hesitantly looked up at me again, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, as I stared back at her in total confusion. "Alice, you did nothing wrong. This was all me, and there's nothing for you to apologize for."

She reached out and took hold of my hand. "So how about we each just forgive each other and move on. I don't want to dwell on this anymore."

Nodding my head, I whispered an okay just before Esme came back into the room.

"Okay, your nurse is getting you some breakfast, so let's just sit and wait for her, shall we?"

We sat on the sofa, and I listened as Esme and Alice chatted and talked until Alysia brought in a tray with fresh fruit, scrambled eggs, toast, and juice. It all tasted amazing, even though Alice looked as though she might gag as I ate. Apparently she wasn't a fan of hospital food, and she mumbled about some secret report she'd seen on television recently. It was like ambrosia to me, and I couldn't eat it fast enough.

After another half hour had passed, Carlisle came into the room, looking more handsome than any man should. Watching him, I could see where Edward got his physique and movie star good looks. From the corner of my eye I saw Esme look at him, clearly caught up in his presence and the way that he commanded the room. He was in his element, and clearly in control.

After looking through my chart and speaking to Alysia, Carlisle turned his eyes toward the three of us sitting on the sofa.

"There are my girls," he said with a brilliant smile that could only ever be rivaled by Edward's. "Bella, do you think you and I could have a few minutes alone?" The room was silent as we all sat on edge.

"Oh, yes, you just excuse us. Alice and I will go get some drinks for the road. Come on dear," Esme said as she stood and reached across me for Alice's hand. "We'll be back shortly."

I was quiet as they left the room, pulling the door closed behind them. Carlisle sat down on the stool next to my bed and then moved closer to me. "How are you feeling today, Bella? Any withdrawal symptoms? Cravings, rapid breathing, anxiety, mood swings? Anything out of the ordinary?" He reached out and took my hand, sliding his fingers to my wrist and feeling for my heartbeat.

"Um, yeah, a little bit. Uh, all those things. That's normal, right? I mean, this is only going to get worse, isn't it?" Looking down at my hand, I noticed the slight twitching in my fingers.

"Bella, you're doing wonderfully. All these symptoms are very normal, and things I expected to see. To be honest with you, I'm surprised that you're doing as well as you are. I really expected things to be much worse." He paused, looking down to the floor. The expression on his face seemed as though he was battling over something internally, and for a moment I worried about what that might be. "I need to ask you something, and I need the truth, no matter what it is. Can you promise me that?" he said, his eyes burning into mine.

I nodded. "Yes, of course."

"Bella, are you using anything now? Anything more than what you've received in your I.V.'s?" He was silent, waiting for an answer.

I took a deep breath before speaking. "No, nothing. I promise, I haven't taken anything." He continued to look into my eyes before finally smiling a bit and relaxing his shoulders.

"You amaze me Bella. I haven't seen many people deal with their addictions as well as you have. How are you doing this? If you don't mind me asking."

My mind raced over the things that had transpired over the past twenty four hours, and only one thought came to mind.

"Edward. I'm doing this because of Edward. I'm doing it for Edward, and for me." Looking down at my hands, I slowly pulled my right one from Carlisle's grasp and laid it in my lap. "I love him and I want him more than anything. He told me if I can do it—if I can beat this—then we can be together again." Raising my head, I met Carlisle's eyes.

"Bella, I don't know how wise it is for you to set your hopes on a person. Things can change so quickly and I would hate to see you work so hard, only to have your dreams crushed when things don't work out the way you're hoping they will." His eyes slid closed and he looked down. "Edward has a lot of responsibilities right now. Maybe someday things could work for you two, and as his father, I hope they do. But as your physician, this worries me, Bella. I don't think this is a good idea for you right now. You need to go into rehab with a clear mind and with goals and plans. They will help you work through a lot of things, but you can't place all of your hopes on a future that may never happen."

I thought about the things Carlisle was saying, and knew that what he was telling me was true. It wasn't wise for me to gamble my life away on a future with a man that was promised to another woman. However, Edward was all I had, and I knew deep in my heart that he was the only craving strong enough to pull me out of the mess I'd made.

"Thank you for that, and I know what you're saying is true, but I love Edward, and he loves me. We will be together some day, I just have to fix things first. Please believe me, I know what I'm doing. I've never felt about anyone else the way I feel about Edward, and I want the chance to make it right. I'm not doing it just for him. I'm doing it for us. For me _and_ for Edward. He's the reason for everything." A smile crossed my lips. "You want to know how I'm fighting this off? It's because I decided. I decided I want Edward more than anything else, and this is how I can get him back. So by doing this for me…I'm doing it for Edward."

**~oOo~**

**A/N: Next chapter she'll finally get to the rehab center and we'll get started on some letter writing. Don't worry, we'll hear from Edward soon enough, though we may not get his POV for a while. Bella needs to focus on Bella for a bit, so just hang in there.**

**Author rec time…**

_**ItzMegan73**_** – I'm sure you've heard of her. I'm sure you've read her stories. If you haven't, you're SERIOUSLY missing out on some of the best stuff I've ever read. She has three stories – **_**The Tutor**_**, which is complete and one of my absolute FAVORITES, **_**A Rough Start**_**, and **_**The Cannabean Betrothal**_**, both of which she's currently working on, and OWN ME. The way she writes is beautiful. Her characters are flawed and not perfect. Their lives are a mess and they have problems and challenges. The storylines are real and honest. Simply put, she's one of my favorite writers, and I can't get to her updates fast enough. If you haven't experienced her yet, start with **_**The Tutor**_**, then move on to the other two. You won't be sorry.**

**http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/u/380267/**

**I'm on Twitter, and it's fun.  
****And this has a thread on Twilighted.  
****Links to both of those are on my profile, as well as for the PIC blog, which I love.**

**I wrote a sweet & sexy little dance floor o/s for the ****Fandom for Preemies**** charity event. There's a link in my profile. Basically, donate as little as $5.00 to the March of Dimes during the month of November, send in your receipt, and get a PDF of over 100 different stories. The website has a list of all the authors that contributed, and also has teasers from a lot of the stories. I already got mine, and seriously? There are some INCREDIBLE stories in it. I'm honored that they let me help out. :D**

**And on a side note…I wrote a very smutty, super wrong o/s for a contest that flopped. I posted it under another name 'cause I don't think anyone would believe I wrote it. If you want the link, let me know. :D**

**Leave me some love and let me know if you want some Edward POV soon, or if you can hold out a little longer…**


	10. Chapter 9 She Admits

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is the Eclipse dvd. Finally! I had to buy it for myself for Christmas since the hubs would NEVER have willingly bought it. I think he'd rather have his toenails ripped off with rusty pliers, one by one, as you slowly drizzle rubbing alcohol over them. I'm not even joking. :D**

**Thanks to my superbeta **_**MaggieMay14**_**. The poor girl…hobbling around for what's going on months now. I think it was really Kellan going all Misery on her and trying to "hobble" her so that he could keep her as his personal love slave, but that's just me. And PLEASE tell me you know what movie I'm talking about…'cause that's a freakin' awesome movie! :D**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 **_**& **_**Unchanged Affections **_**for prereading this. They always say the loveliest things. Oh, and they're smart, too.**

**And thanks to my girlies – ****they know who they are. :) Thanks, too, this time to **_**MamaCullen513**_** and **_**Noahevansmom **_**for helping me with the picture part of this chapter. I asked on Twitter for some advice and they stepped up. See, if you follow me on Twitter, you'll see fun stuff. I'm not even mentioning the two teasers from this chapter that I posted there. Oh wait, I just did. :D**

**Sorry this took so long. The holidays and kids everywhere and several other things to write took up way too much time, but this is longer than I'd planned, so that's a good thing. :) Just shy of 8400 words…not too shabby.**

**~oOo~**

**WIRMTS Chapter 9 - She Admits**

As Carlisle and I sat talking, he let out a long sigh, following it with a slight smile on his face. "You're something else, Bella." He reached out and gently patted my knee. "I've missed you, I hope you know that. Esme and I are always here for you. Things are going to be tough for the next few months, and I will try to see you as often as I can, as will Esme. If there is ever anything that you need, do not hesitate to call me, alright?"

I nodded, letting him know that I understood what he was telling me. He pulled a card from his pocket that held his phone numbers on it, and pressed it into my hand. He and Edward's mother wanted to help me, and I was grateful for it. They loved me, as I loved them, and though it might seem weird and twisted to some, they were still the people I considered to be my family. I only hoped that someday I could officially become a part of theirs.

Esme and Alice came back into the room, laughing to themselves. Carlisle got up from his seat and moved to speak to Esme, kissing her lighting on the cheek in greeting. Alice plopped back down onto the couch next to me, letting out a deep breath.

"Is Rose here yet?" she asked.

"No, I haven't seen her, is she coming?" I replied, sincerely hoping that Rosalie would be joining us on our drive. I hadn't been able to speak with her yet, or to apologize for the things I'd said to her. I knew she would forgive me, but until that happened I was left with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Yes, she said she would. That girl, has she always been late or is this a recent thing?" Alice pulled out her cell phone and called a number on her speed dial. It made me giggle a bit to know that she and Rosalie had known each other such a short time, but already Alice had her number so readily accessible. I was happy they had formed some type of friendship, and I hoped that somehow I might be able to ease into it as well, without causing too much hassle with my problems.

"Rose, where are you? We're ready to go," she said loudly into the phone. I listened quietly, looking over at Edward's parents, who stood speaking in hushed whispers in the corner of the room, clearly caught up in each other.

"What? I told Jake, he answered your phone yesterday and I told him what time we were going today. He said he would tell you." Alice's voice was rising and her anger is beginning to flare. "I'm gonna kill him. What's wrong with that man, huh? Yeah, we're leaving now, but we'll wait for you. Hurry up."

She flipped her phone closed, still fuming silently. "I take it Jake didn't tell her about today?" I asked.

"Nope," she said, a disgusted look on her face. "Jerk."

My chest began to clench a little, as a sudden craving started to flare. I took a deep breath and tried to force it away. Once my hands stopped shaking and I felt like I had things under control, I looked at Alice, who was watching me closely. She reached out and placed her hand over mine, giving me a comforting smile. I could still see the anger in her eyes over Jacob, and I let out a small laugh over her assessment of him. She couldn't have been more accurate. Jacob and I had been friends when he and Rose began dating, but the more involved they became, the more rude and obnoxious he was to me. I never quite knew why, but I didn't really care either. If he was who Rose chose to share her life with, then fine. I was just glad I didn't have to live with him.

"I don't know what Jake's deal is, but he used to be pretty nice," I said.

"Yeah, well now he's just a pig. I mean geez, it's like he's jealous of Rose spending time with me or something. We met for lunch the other day and he happened to call. She wouldn't even tell him where she was. I mean, what's up with that? Why would he even care, as long as she's happy, you know?"

The scowl on Alice's pretty face was growing deeper and deeper, but I had something else to worry about. My body felt like it was slowly being consumed by flames, and when my hand twitched in Alice's, her eyes were immediately drawn back to mine. She watched as I cringed—teeth chattering, fingers shaking, neck straining—trying to hold back the feelings that were gradually growing stronger and more intense. Her free hand rose to my face, and she pulled my head onto her shoulder, as she whispered softly to me.

"It's okay, Bella, it's okay. We're gonna help you beat this. It'll be alright, you'll see."

I tried to relax, to just let go and ignore the need that was taking control of me. As soon as my eyes opened, I saw Carlisle and Esme watching me closely, and waves of regret washed over me. I was so ashamed, so embarrassed about what I'd allowed myself to become. How could I have let things get so out of control? How could I have let myself hurt so many good people?

For a moment, I wanted to run away. I wanted to finish what I had tried to do. Esme must have seen a change in my expression, because within an instant, she was kneeling in front of me, her hands grabbing my face, and her eyes piercing into mine.

"Bella, stop. I can see what you're thinking, and I know this hurts, but stop right now." There was a growl in her voice that I had only heard once before, on the night when she told me she wouldn't give up on me. I looked at her, noticing things about her that I'd never really seen or paid attention to before. The way her green eyes had gold and brown dots in them, and the way her hair had highlights that were the same shade of red that Edward's hair had. The longer she looked at me, the more I noticed. Soon, I felt like I was looking at my own mother, seeing the pretty hazel eyes that she'd had, the long, slender nose that I'd always loved, and the plump, rounded lips that had kissed each of my childhood injuries away. I wanted my mother. I missed her.

Tears started to seep from my eyes, and I couldn't hold back the sobs that soon followed. As I sat crying, cradled in Alice and Esme's arms, I heard Carlisle asking me if I wanted something to help me battle what was happening to my body. I needed it—whatever he was offering—but I couldn't let myself take the easy way out. I ached to feel the pain and suffering, and experience the emotions that I'd caused for so many of the people that I loved. I shook my head, telling him no, and sniffling as I whispered that I shouldn't have it, I didn't deserve it—that I had to be strong.

"Bella," he said. "Honey, there's no shame in letting someone or something help you. This is a long and difficult process. If you don't let us help, you'll never make it. Please, Bella." His voice was pleading with me, and I couldn't let myself look at him, knowing that I would most likely see disappointment filling his eyes.

"No, please no," I whispered. Esme's face was soon next to mine, her cheek resting on my cheek. She hummed a tune as she rocked me back and forth. Alice still had her arm wrapped around my waist, my head against her shoulder, and she rocked with us. I wanted so badly to be good for them, to be the person they thought I was. As I tried to shut myself off from the screaming that was happening within my body, I saw Edward's face. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly so that I could see him better, and memories of his smile, his crazy hair, and his melodic laugh filled me with hope. I knew I had to beat the addiction that had defined my life for so long. If not for the wonderful friends and family I had, then for Edward. He deserved a wife that was good and honest, someone that would care for him and be what he needed. He deserved to have pretty babies and a happy home, and I wanted more than anything to be the person who could give him that. Just to be capable of it was enough. All the promises that he'd made me before he left buoyed up my spirits, and I steeled my resolve, making myself take the help that was being offered to me.

As my eyes met Carlisle's, I blinked back the tears and slowly nodded, letting him know that I needed help. He left the room, returning after a few agonizing minutes with a syringe in his hand.

"This will just help knock the edge off for you, but it won't take away the pain completely," he said. Alice shifted away from me just enough for Carlisle to quickly inject me with the medication, then settled in next to me again. I didn't know what it was, and I didn't want to know. I didn't trust myself enough to not ask for it later on when things were going badly. I knew there would be many more moments like this one before anything started to get better. Trusting that the rehab center would have medications to help me in moments like this, I sat back and waited for my body to calm, trying to let go of my worries.

After about fifteen minutes, the screaming within me had died down a little, and I was able to once again take in the things going on around me. I heard rushed footsteps in the hallway and wasn't surprised when Rosalie burst through the doorway.

"You're still here, oh good. I'm so sorry, Jake didn't even tell me. He swears he just forgot," she said, but even I could tell that she didn't believe it. Her eyes darted around the room, looking at the four of us that were there, and when her gaze stopped on me, she smiled. I knew she was happy to see me, and instantly I felt the desire to apologize to her for all the things I'd done. I knew I needed to stop feeling that—there was no way to make up for the past and my indiscretions—but I still wanted to try.

After studying my face for a few moments and seeing Esme and Alice sitting so close to me, the happiness in Rose's eyes faded, as did her smile. "Bella?" she cautiously asked, stepping into the room.

"Hey Rose," I said, my voice sounding much more tired than it had previously. Sensations were beginning to dull and I was starting to feel as though I were under water, and just an observer to what was going on around me.

"Well, you'd better get going," Carlisle said. Esme got up to follow him from the room and Rose instantly filled her vacated spot beside me. With my two best girl friends at my sides, I tried to be positive about the day and what was coming. I knew it wouldn't be easy, that it would take a lot of work and struggle on my part, along with pain and suffering, but being better and worthy of the people that loved me made it okay. I had to be well, whole again, and I felt a little stirring of excitement at the possibility.

The air outside the hospital was warm, tingling my skin, and I breathed in deeply the scent of dust and city. There were so many distinct smells in Phoenix, some of them only occurring at certain times of the year, and I loved them all. They reminded me of home, and I knew it would be a few months at least before I got to enjoy them again. I wished for a moment that I could bottle up the air and take it with me, just as a reminder of what I needed to get back to. We were on our way to New Moon, the rehabilitation center that had been chosen for me, and it was located a couple hours north of Phoenix, just outside of Sedona. I'd been to Sedona a few times before, and I knew the smell there was different, much fresher and more outdoorsy. It was nice, but it wasn't home.

Rosalie opened the backdoor of the car for me, and after I slid in, she climbed in next to me. I scooted to the other side, and for a moment wondered if Alice would sit there as a way to keep me boxed in, but she didn't. Esme was driving and Alice sat next to her in the front passenger seat. Rose held my hand as we started on our way, reaching the freeway in a rather short amount of time. There would most likely not be any stops until we got to the rehab center, and I closed my eyes, trying to drown out the sounds all around me. Rosalie tried to carry on a conversation for a few minutes, but soon gave up and instead shifted closer to me so that I could lean my head on her shoulder. We rode that way for over an hour, safe within a little bubble of denial, love, anxiety, and acceptance.

As we turned off the freeway, I decided I couldn't rest any longer. I lazily watched out the windows, taking in the scenery as we drove. It was so beautiful, and it made me think about different things and events in my life.

"Rose?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Have you heard from Emmett? I mean, I know you don't really know him, but have you heard anything about him or how he is? I really hurt him." I felt bad for the things I'd said to Emmett and I wanted to apologize to him, but he hadn't been around. I worried that I'd pushed him away for good, and that thought nearly broke my heart. He was such a good person, and he deserved to be happy, even if it wasn't with me.

Rose glanced toward Alice, then back to me, probably curious as to why I was asking her and not Alice. The truth was, I was afraid to talk to Alice about Emmett. I worried that she would be upset or feel betrayed that I was choosing Edward over him. I knew how excited she had always been about Emmett and I being together, and about me maybe someday becoming a part of her family. I didn't want to let her down, and it would have hurt me even more to see her angry over the issue. She and Rosalie were close now, and I just hoped that maybe Rose could tell me what I needed to know.

"Yes, he talked to Alice the other day. He said he wanted to give you some space, and to let you think. He doesn't want to crowd you, but he still cares about you and he's determined to make things work between you two, if you want to."

I let out a long, deep sigh. "I don't know. I can't be with him, it's not fair. I don't love him like he deserves, but I'm so afraid that Edward doesn't really want me." It dawned on me in that moment that Rosalie might have some insight on Edward and Tori, and what they were really like together. "Rose, what do you know about Tori?" I asked hesitantly.

"Why do you ask that?" she said, her brow furrowed just a bit.

"Well, Edward said that she's a really good person, and I'm afraid she'll convince him to stay with her. I'm scared I'll lose him."

Rose looked at me for a moment, as if debating over what she should say in response to my concerns. "Bella, she is a really good person. I mean, Edward was such a mess after you disappeared. He didn't go out, he didn't see people; he didn't do anything but look for you and go to work. He had no social life, and his grief over losing you was killing him. We all saw it." She looked away with a haunted look in her eyes, and I knew that what Edward had told me was true. He really had been a shadow of his former self when I left.

"It had been a few months, and he would call every so often, or I'd go see him, just to check in. All of us were so worried about him. He told me that he'd finally agreed to go out for the night with his cousin, and I was excited about it, just hoping that he could have a good night for a change. Then the next week, I called and there was something different in his voice. There was life, or at least a spark of it again. I wondered what it was, and then a few weeks later, Jake and I saw him out at a restaurant and he was with Tori."

My heart broke over Edward being so crushed, but at the same time my stomach twisted at the thought of him being rejuvenated by this other woman. I wanted to be the one that made him better, only I hadn't been. I'd destroyed him, and I had to accept that fact.

"He was happy. He smiled and laughed—I hadn't heard him laugh for months, Bella. His skin was brighter, his eyes sparkled. He just looked happy, for a change. It made me so sad, because I knew he really wanted you, but Tori brought something out in him that had been missing. She's really nice, Bella. She's a good person. She genuinely cares about Edward, and she even helped him look for you. I mean honestly, how many women would do that, huh?" She shook her head as she laughed a bit. "I knew Edward wasn't as happy as he had been when he was with you, but he was better. He had some direction in his life again, and someone that cared about him. It was wonderful to see, and I was excited for him. But even with all that, there was still something missing. That something special...it just wasn't there. You weren't there."

"You're not just saying that, are you?"

Rose looked lovingly at me. "It's the truth, Bella. I know he was never really okay without you."

I nodded, closing my eyes and rolling her words over and over in my head. It was important for me to believe, that even though Edward was happy with Tori, she wasn't me. He wasn't as happy as he could have been. I needed to keep that thought in mind, especially now, as I fretted about him landing in New York and being faced with her and the feelings they had for one another.

"Rose, did he really want to marry her?" I asked, tears burning in my eyes. I knew how long it had taken Edward to work up the courage to ask me to marry him, and I was unsure how he had managed to ask her so quickly.

She seemed to think about the question for a minute, pondering her words before she spoke. "I think he wanted to marry her because he didn't want to miss out again. I think he saw his failure with you as missing out on life, and he didn't want to make the same mistake again."

The fact that he felt that way made my heart hurt. That he would marry someone just because he was scared over what I'd done to him, made me cringe with guilt. I'd tried so hard to protect him, and give him a chance at something better, and as Rose and I sat quietly talking in the back seat of Edward's father's car, I knew I'd failed. Either I never should have left, or I should have stayed away, and for a few moments I wondered what would be best for me to do. As much as I wanted him back, and needed him in my life, I had to accept the fact that Tori was good for him in ways that I wasn't, and might never be.

I silently listened as Rosalie continued. "Professionally, they're a good match. She challenges him in that way and she pushed him to excel and succeed in his job. Those are great attributes, but I never really believed that he wanted that life—the life he has now. I don't think you should be with someone just based on what looks good on paper. You gotta factor in feelings and all that. You would have to ask Edward himself, but I don't think he completely loves her. Especially not as much as he loved you."

I glanced up, meeting Rose's eyes. "He loves you, Bella. He was beside himself when you left. I've never seen a person so absolutely destroyed before. Even with Tori, there was something missing. I know he was angry and guarded that night in your hospital room, but I could see flickers of the old him there. His eyes, they way he looked at you...be careful with him, Bella. He might not seem like it, but he's fragile. If you can't do this, be fair to him. Let him find whatever happiness he can with someone else. At least give him a chance, because to be honest..." She paused, looking down at our hands that were clasped together on the seat between us. "I don't think he could survive it if you left him again." Her voice was almost a whisper, but from the front seat I heard a small gasp. It was then that I realized how quiet Esme and Alice were, and that most likely they had heard our conversation.

I nodded, as tears slipped down my cheeks, unable to say anything. I didn't want to hurt him. As we drove into the small, touristy town, I resolved within myself that I had to figure out what I wanted in my life. For Edward's sake, I needed to be fair with him, and give him the opportunity to have happiness. I just needed to decide if I was going to be the one to give it to him. I couldn't rightfully ask him to stay away from Tori if there was even the slightest possibility that I might fail, and there in the silence of the car, I knew I had to make a choice. For Edward's sake as well as mine.

After making a quick and unscheduled stop at a gas station to ask directions and use the restroom, we were back in the car and headed west on a road that would take us to New Moon, which was fourteen miles outside of town. As we had all stretched our legs in the small convenience store, it didn't take long for me to notice that my friends were hesitant to leave me on my own. I felt embarrassed that they thought they had to baby sit me, but I was grateful for their concern. When I walked past the liquor aisle of the small store, I saw Alice tense up in worry, and I for a moment I felt like laughing, but then quickly realized that her reaction was warranted. So many addicts traded one numbing substance for another. It would have been easy for me to do, but I didn't want it.

As the car sped down the quiet road, I played with the soda bottle in my hands. I was starting to get nervous, and my body was getting antsy again. I silently watched as the muscles in my fingers twitched and shook. I did my best to still them, to keep what was happening to me from Rosalie's attention. She was worried enough as it was, and I didn't want to give her anything else to fret about. I chewed on a piece of minty gum in an attempt to pop my ears, which were straining from the altitude change. I felt both ear drums release their built up pressure just as what looked to be a small resort came into sight.

The red rocky earth gave way to several white buildings that were nestled into a small green valley. There were trees all around the grounds and as we drove over a small bridge, I saw a tiny creek bubbling underneath us. The flash flood signs on either side of the bridge told of the hidden danger there, and for a moment I knew what that creek felt like. One moment it could be calm and gentle, flowing peacefully, and then without warning, it was a twisting, turning, deadly beast, intent on destroying everything in its path. I didn't want to be that way anymore, and I took a deep breath as I tried to tell myself I didn't have to be.

Esme soon pulled into a parking lot, and the turned off the engine. We all sat quietly, looking up at the stark white building that glimmered in the sunlight. We all knew this was it, and a feeling of hesitation settled over us.

Rose squeezed my hand, her eyes focused on the building to our right. "You ready?" she softly asked.

"Yeah, I think so." I knew they could sense the uncertainty in my voice, but they all smiled and let out deep breaths before opening their doors and stepping out into the bright sunshine.

Esme moved to the trunk to get my bag, which I hadn't even realized was there. I didn't have any clothes at the hospital, but a guilty look in Alice's eyes let me know that she had packed a few things for me. I wasn't sure if I would be allowed to wear my own clothes, or if I'd have a gown or something that was issued by the center. I was being admitted, and would be a patient, but I had no idea what to expect. Alice and Rose put their arms around me as we walked toward the building, with Esme following behind us. The double doors soon pushed open, and a large man, bigger than any I'd seen before, stepped outside. For a moment I was afraid, but then he smiled and greeted us, and his sparkling white teeth and deep dimples let me know I had nothing to fear.

"Hello! Welcome!" came a comforting voice from within the building. As we walked in, I was overwhelmed by the smells and sounds there. My nose pained at the aroma of disinfectant in the room. It was stronger than I had been used to at the hospital, even, and I hoped that the whole center didn't smell this way. It burned my sinuses and almost immediately I felt the cravings begin to build. I shut my eyes, honing in on the beeps and other office noises in the area. I was trying to keep the flickering at bay, but it was like the monster within me knew this was its last chance, and he didn't plan to give up without a fight.

The woman stepped around a desk and hurried toward us. "I'm Angela, it's so nice to meet you. You must be Bella." She reached out to shake my hand, grasping it tightly in her warm palms. "We've been expecting you. Dr. Cullen called a couple of hours ago to tell us that you were on your way. I hope you had a nice trip."

"We did, thank you," Esme said, apparently the only one of us that was able to display any manners.

"Is this Bella's bag?" she asked, pointing toward the suitcase in Esme's hand.

"Yes," Esme said, holding it out in front of her. "It's just a few clothes and toiletries; we weren't sure what she could bring."

"That's fine. We'll have Felix take it to Bella's room. Of course, it will be searched before that happens. We can't run the risk of anything being smuggled into the facility." She cast her glance to me, smiling. "For your safety as well as everyone else's. Now, if you'll just come with me, we've got a few papers to sign and then we'll be all set and you can see your room."

I nervously looked from Alice to Rose, begging them to come with me. I didn't want to be alone yet, and I felt myself starting to panic.

"Wait, I need more time. I'm not ready for this." I turned to face Esme, tears welling up in my eyes and making her a little blurry. "Please, I-I know I can do this on my own, please if we could just go home, and you could help me..."

Esme's hands were instantly on my cheeks, her voice soft yet firm. "Bella, you can do this. You're ready, and you need to be here. Trust me, I would never let anyone hurt you. You'll do fine, I know you will." She placed a light kiss on my forehead, then pulled back and looked into my eyes. "Let's just see the facility first, alright? We drove all this way, shouldn't we at least see what they have to offer?"

I nodded, acknowledging her words and knowing that she was right. "Okay," I said in a whisper, clumsily wiping at my eyes and feeling very much like an errant child.

The tour around the center was nice. Angela showed us where the fitness area was, the cafeteria, the classrooms, the counseling center, and finally the living quarters. The grounds outside were beautiful, and the fresh air smelled incredible. It was so much cleaner than what I'd smelled in the city, though I still missed the unique scent of Phoenix.

After our tour, we went back to Angela's office, where we were met by a man. "Bella, this is Ben, my husband. He runs some of the group therapy sessions here, and he'll be counseling you on and off during your stay. We treat many different kinds of disorders here, but he specializes in depression and grief counseling, so you'll be seeing a lot of him."

He stepped forward and shook my hand. "Hello Bella, it's very nice to meet you." His voice was gentle, and he seemed nice enough. I got the feeling that I could trust him, and I just hoped I was right.

"Hello."

"You seem to have a lot of people here with you today, and they look as though they care a great deal about you. Would you like to introduce me to them, Bella?" he asked, waiting for me to speak.

"Um, this is Rosalie, my best friend for the past, what...eight, nine years?" I said, looking to Rose for confirmation.

"Yeah, something like that," she laughed, reaching out to shake Ben's hand.

"And this is Alice, my best friend for the past year or so."

"Hello," Alice said, smiling at Ben as she shook his hand.

"And this is Esme, she's..." My eyes met hers, and she could see my struggle in how I should classify her. She was, technically, my ex-fiancé's mother, but she had, and would always be so much more to me. I reached back and grabbed her hand, before turning back to face Ben. "This is Esme, my mother." A single tear slid down my face and I heard her suck in a quick breath.

"It's very nice to meet you, Esme," Ben said, nodding gently as her since I was clearly unable to let go of her hand.

"Well, why don't we go inside the office here and we can go over a few things," Ben said, and we all followed him, some of us a little more slowly than the others.

After papers were signed and rules were read, we stepped into the foyer to say goodbye. I was already crying quietly, and dreading the next few minutes. My skin was feeling itchy, irritated, and while the pain steadily built up, it was overshadowed for the moment by the desperation of being alone and without my friends. I looked at them all, wondering how I would manage without them by my side. Their love and assurance was the only thing that had kept me going over the past week.

Alice stepped forward and pulled me in for a hug. "I love you, Bella. I know you can do this. I'll write you every day, and I'll call on Sunday's, okay?" I nodded against her as she clung to me. "Jasper and I will come see you next month, as soon as it's allowed, and I know you'll be doing so much better by then. I have faith in you, Bella."

"Thank you," I said, squeezing her tightly before she stepped away from me.

Rosalie stood quietly to my right, picking nervously at her lip. "You know I love you, right?" she said.

"Yes," I whispered.

"Okay then, just don't forget that."

I knew she was having trouble saying goodbye, and I didn't want to make things any harder on her, so I stepped toward her and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her to me.

"I love you, Rose. Thank you for not giving up on me."

"Never," she said with a trembling voice, before pressing her lips to the top of my head. "Never."

We held each other for a moment before she finally pulled away, with a small laugh. "You're gonna get me all wrinkly, Bella." I looked into her eyes and saw the worry there, so I smiled—hoping to reassure her. She walked to the door and stood near Alice, leaving Esme and I with a moment to our selves.

Esme took a deep breath, watching me as she slowly let it out. Her eyes pierced into mine, holding me firmly where I was. "My sweet girl, I love you. I believe in you. I have faith in you. I always will." With that, she enveloped me into her arms, where I cried deep, sorrowful sobs—my fingers grasping onto her shirt and afraid to let go. She "shhh'd" me as she stroked my hair and hummed quietly to me, the same way Edward always did.

"Thank you, Esme. Mom," I whispered, before sniffling and trying to pull myself together. I backed away from her, smiling a little at her as she traced her fingers over my cheeks.

"My beautiful girl..." She gasped quickly, then stepped around me toward Alice and Rose.

I stood quietly in the room, listening as the large double doors opened and then shut. I felt them leave, my eyes sliding closed so that I wouldn't see it. I knew I was alone, and suddenly fear crept into my brain. Could I really do this on my own? Would I make it without them all by my side? I felt a soft hand on my shoulder.

"Bella, would you like to see your room?" Angela said, waiting as I nodded to her.

She led me through a hallway and into the building where I would be staying. She used a card key to open a large, brown door, and as we stepped inside, I could see the small bedroom there. It wasn't fancy, and it wasn't large, but it was all I would need. She showed me around the room, pointing out the bathroom, closet, desk, and magnetic white board with my daily and weekly schedules already posted on it. My suitcase lay on my bed, and in the corner of my desk, I saw a small radio.

"What's that?" I asked, unsure if I would be able to use it or not. There was no television in my room, though there were televisions in the common areas, as well as computers.

"That radio is for you. Every one here has their own radio, but like we said, for now, there are no tv's or computers in your room. We want you to socialize with the other patients here. That's a big part of getting better." She smiled at me, before reminding me that dinner would be served in a couple of hours, and that until then, I should use my time to settle in and get unpacked.

Putting away my clothes and other small items didn't take long. I was a little surprised by how plain and ordinary the clothing was. There was nothing that I recognized, which meant Alice hadn't simply picked up some things from my apartment—she had gone shopping. Before that moment I wasn't even aware that Alice was capable of purchasing clothing that wasn't on the cutting edge of fashion, or that didn't sparkle or dazzle in some way. The fact that she chose things she knew would suit me and make me comfortable was nice. She really did care about me, regardless of the horrible things I'd recently said and done to her.

In the top drawer of the desk, I found paper and pencils. I decided that since I had just over an hour until dinner, I would write Edward a letter. Looking at the clock, I knew he had most likely arrived in New York and I was worried. Would Tori pick him up at the airport? If she didn't, how would he get to his apartment? Would she be there when he did finally arrive home? Would she be waiting for him? Would he give in to her? I took a deep breath, knowing that my insecurities over Edward would only lead me to feeling the cravings that I'd been fighting against all day. I wondered if maybe there was a doctor or nurse I could speak with, since I could feel the effects of the medication Carlisle had given me slowly wearing off.

Just as I leaned over to turn on the radio, there was a knock on my door.

"Hi!" came a sugary sweet voice. "I'm Whitney, I'm one of your nurses. I just wanted to stop and say hello, see if there's anything that you might need."

"Oh, hi. Um, I think I'm okay."

She looked at me carefully. "Well, I read through your file a bit, so I know the types of substances you're dealing with. I just wanted to let you know that Doctor Cullen authorized a few more injections of the medication he gave you this morning. If you feel like you need something, you can just ask. Doctor Gerandy will meet with you this evening after dinner and do some preliminary evaluations, and then he'll decide what our course of action will be."

She had walked further into the room as she spoke, glancing around and seeing that I didn't have much with me. "Did you bring any pictures or anything? You know, a lot of the patients here have pictures of family or friends."

I glanced at the suitcase. "Well, um, I didn't pack my bag and I didn't see anything." I started to wonder if maybe Alice had included something like that, so I quickly went to the closet and picked up the bag from the floor. There on the side was a zipped pocket, which I hadn't noticed before. I slid it open and was both shocked and elated to see pictures stuffed into it. Pulling them out, I started to smile. They were wrapped in a piece of paper, a little note from Alice written on it, telling me that Edward had suggested she send them. Instantly, I felt calmer.

"So you do have some photos. You can put them up on your white board, if you'd like. There are some magnets up there and there should be more in your desk. Although, if you have frames for them, then you wouldn't need those."

I started looking through them. On top was a picture of Alice and Jasper, sweet and happily wrapped up in each other. Next was a picture of Rosalie and Alice. It was recent and just a snapshot that she'd obviously printed off her computer, but they both looked happy and so alive. The third picture of was Esme and Carlisle. I stood looking at it for a moment longer, causing Whitney to glance at it as well.

"Are those your parents?" she asked.

"No, not really. I mean, they pretty much are. My parents passed away, but these are my ex fiancé's parents."

"Oh, that's nice. Are you close with them, I assume?"

"Yeah, this is Dr. Cullen, my doctor, and his wife, Esme. They're the only parents I have left." I smiled at their bright, happy faces, thankful that I had them supporting me.

The next picture was one of Emmett and me at Alice's birthday party. He had a goofy party hat on and his arm slung around my shoulders, trying to plant a kiss on my cheek. I was giggling and pushing him away, but I was happy in that moment.

"Is that your fiancé? Or ex fiancé?" Whitney asked.

"No, that's my friend, Emmett." I didn't know what else to say about him, and I hoped he was still my friend, after what I'd done to him.

The next picture I saw was one of me with my parents. It brought tears to my eyes and I wondered where Alice had found it. "These are my parents." I lightly traced the images that stared back at me. I remembered the picture and the day it was taken—my 12th birthday. We were all so happy, and I was calmed as I looked at the angelic face of my mother as she smiled brightly to my dad.

After looking at it for a few moments, I cautiously lifted it to reveal the final picture—it was Edward and me. I had hoped that Alice would include something of us together, or at least of him, and I was pleasantly surprised to see it. Attached to the bottom of the picture was a little sticky note with a message scribbled on it in perfect penmanship that I would recognize anywhere.

_I thought you might like to have this. I love you just as much today as I did when this was taken. Edward_

It was our engagement picture, but not the official one. It was a candid that I'd always loved. I looked closely at it, remembering that day as if it were yesterday.

We'd gone for our official engagement portraits, at Esme's insistence. She wanted something pretty for the announcements, as well as for her mantle and wall. The studio was rather high end and very nice. I'd never been anywhere like it before, and after posing for pictures in three different outfits, I was done. The photographer wanted one more set of photographs, and with a little begging and promising to make it up to me, Edward convinced me. As we sat together, I heard the shutter of the camera snapping, but Edward's fingers were running lightly up and down my arm. I knew he wasn't looking at the photographer, and neither was I, but I didn't care. Before I knew it, we were done, and when the proofs came back weeks later, one of the images from that group was my favorite and it was the one I held in my hands.

Edward's face was angled toward mine, his eyes soft and gazing longingly at me. My eyes were cast downward as I watched his hand on my arm. The feeling that had been running through my body in that moment was so peaceful, I was truly content. I remembered feeling so alive and electric, and yet placid and at ease. Only he could have that effect on me, and I was overjoyed to know that after all this time, he still did. I looked at the way he watched me in the picture, his eyes so full of love, protecting and guarding me from the world. I had innocently gazed at his fingers, taking in all that he offered me, and letting him be my shelter from the storms that were already raging within me.

I let out a deep breath as his image fought off the beast that was trying so desperately to consume me. "This is Edward," I softly said. "He's my ex fiancé, and hopefully boyfriend. We'll see. I hurt him."

Whitney looked at the picture for a moment. "He's very handsome, and you both look so happy. I'm sure things will work out for the best." I noticed that she didn't assure me we'd be together. It hurt a little, but then I remembered that I didn't know how things would end up—I just had to wait and hope they turned out the way I wanted them to.

"I think I'll be okay until after dinner. I'm just gonna write a letter, and can I mail it? I mean, are there stamps and stuff for that?" I asked, placing the pictures on the desk next to me.

"Okay, sure. Yeah, we have stamps at the desk, just ask Angela and she'll have the mail carrier pick it up. If you get it to her tonight, then it will go out in the morning."

"Thank you."

"Sure thing. We'll see you at dinner." Whitney gave me another quick smile, and then hurried out of the room.

I carefully placed the pictures along the edges of the bulletin board, except for the one of Edward and me. I kept that on the desk, looking at it as I reached over to turn on the radio. It was playing a country song, so I started scanning through the stations that were available. Soon enough I found something with a fairly recent rock tune, and I left it, then reached for the paper and pencil in the desk drawer.

As I paused, wondering what to write, a song started to play. I knew I'd heard it before, and I listened closely as it continued. When the second verse started, I knew what I needed to write to Edward.

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm here, your mom drove me to the rehab place. Alice and Rose came along. It was nice, but I miss them already. I let your dad give me a shot this morning, some kind of medication to help with the cravings. I hope you're not too upset or disappointed. He said it would be okay, that I wasn't a failure if I needed it. Please don't be mad._

_I'm worried about you. I'm trying so hard to trust everything you said, and I know you love me, but I'm still afraid. I talked to Rose on the drive today. She told me about Tori, and I know that she's a good person. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't like her. I don't know her, but I see why you fell in love with her. Rose said she's good for you. I want to be good for you, too._

_I'm trying, I really am, and I'm so afraid to fail because I know if I do, she'll be there waiting. I don't want to lose you again._

_I have a radio in my room and I was listening to it and this song came on. I know it's kind of stupid, to use song lyrics to tell you things, but after that night, with the note and everything, I feel like maybe that's the best way to let you know how I feel. I think maybe I can't say it right, or something. This is from that American Idol guy, the actor one with the eye liner and stuff. Anyway, he says everything I want you to know._

Yeah, it's plain to see  
That baby you're beautiful  
And it's nothing wrong with you  
It's me, I'm a freak  
But thanks for lovin' me  
Cause you're doing it perfectly

There might have been a time  
When I would let you step away  
I wouldn't even try  
But I think you could save my life

Just don't give up, I'm workin' it out  
Please don't give in, I won't let you down  
It messed me up, need a second to breathe  
Just keep comin' around  
Hey, whataya want from me  
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up on me  
I won't let you down  
No, I won't let you down

_I don't know what you want from me, Edward. Please give me a chance, I know I can be what you need, if you just let me try. I messed up before, and I promise I'll try my hardest to not do it again. Please._

_I have to go because it's dinner time, and then I have to see the doctor and stuff. I'll try to email you tomorrow, if I can use the computers._

_I love you, Edward. I'm so sorry for everything. Please believe me._

_Love,_

_Your Izzy_

I folded up the paper and stuffed it into an envelope from the desk, taking a moment to dig the scrap of paper with Edward's address written on it out of my pants pocket.

Lazily tracing my fingers over the image of us once more, I lifted my fingertips to my lips and placed a tiny kiss on them. I pressed them on the picture of Edward, whispering an "I love you" that I knew he would never hear. It was more of a reminder to myself, anyhow.

I set the picture on the nightstand next to my bed, leaning it against the small lamp there. I'd have to get a frame for it soon, maybe when I could start having visitors. Picking up the envelope, I looked at the picture once more before walking out of the room, determined to fix all the things I had broken.

**~oOo~**

**A/N: Things are looking up for our Bella. Next time should bring some news from Edward, as well as a look into their past. Remember when I said Superbeta bought me in the Fandom Gives Back auction? Yeah, we're starting in on her flashbacks…and things might be getting lemony. I'm just sayin'… :D**

**Author rec time…**

_**sleepyvalentina**_** – Have you read her stuff? She's seriously one of my favorite authors, and one of the few that can get me to read vamp stories. :D I've read just about everything she's written, and I've loved it all. Her story **_**Art After 5**_** and it's companion story **_**Counterpoint**_** feature my favorite fan fic Edward, and I love them both so much. She's writing a new one now, **_**Fall To Ruin One Day**_**, and I love it. I got my prereader **_**Unchanged Affections**_** hooked on it. I love that… :D You're missing out if you haven't seen what this amazing woman has to offer. Trust me, she's incredible. :) **

**http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/u/1801946/**

**I'm on Twitter, and it's fun. Plus you get stuff, like teasers. :D  
****And this has a thread on Twilighted.  
****Links to both of those are on my profile, as well as for the PIC blog, which I love.**

**Hopefully the next chapter won't be so long in getting to you. I'm writing something for the Fandom Against Domestic Violence charity event in February. There's a link on my profile, and I'll just say this…it's the first chapter of my next story. :) I'm also doing something for the Foxy Fics charity event in March. That's linked on the profile here, too. And for that…I'm doing an Edward POV of my o/s **_**Baby**_**. SOOOOO many people asked for that, so I hope you'll be excited. :)**

**Leave me some love and you might get a teaser for the next chapter. Don't freak if it takes me a week or two to reply…I gotta get the next chapter written first. :D**


	11. Chapter 10 She Unmasks

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own if a pair of green fuzzy gloves that have kept my hands warm the last two days. Deserts are NOT built for freezing temperatures. I've been told they look like Kermit the Frog's hands. I like that.**

**Thanks to my superbeta **_**MaggieMay14**_**. She's so wonderful. Thanks for listening to me. :)**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44,**__**Unchanged Affections, & Jasperlover16 **_**for prereading this. I don't know what I'd do without you… :)**

**This chapter has the first evidence of what superbeta wanted when she bought my tushie last summer in that whole **_**Fandom Gives Back**_** thing. I think you'll be very, very happy with the money she spent. Thanks for that, Maggie. You made me feel special…and not in a weird way. :P**

**There are pictures of the outfits Bella & Edward wear in this chapter on my fanfic blog. There's a link on my profile. :)**

**We're gonna take care of the end A/N right now. I think it will be better this way. I donated something for the **_**Fandom Against Domestic Violence**_**. It's the first chapter to my next story. There's a link on my profile, so if you want to see it sooner than a few months from now, get over there and donate to a wonderful cause. :) I'm also donating an EPOV to my o/s **_**Baby**_** for the **_**Foxy Fics**_** thing that happens next month. There's a link for that on the profile too, so start saving your pennies.**

**I'll send out teasers to whoever reviews. Not gonna lie, with all the stuff I have lined up to write, it's gonna be a few weeks or a month before the next chapter. I apologize in advance. I'll do the best I can, but I think you'll like what's coming up, both in this story and in the other stuff I gotta do. Once all of the other projects are done, I'm going to concentrate on this and WHTM and see if I can't get them done before summer. :)**

**I'm on Twitter, and it's fun. Plus you get stuff, like teasers. :D  
****And this has a thread on Twilighted.  
****Links to both of those are on my profile, as well as for the PIC blog, which I love. Something fun is happening there next week. I think you'll like it… :D**

**Author rec time…**

_**Rochelle Allison**_** – Oh golly…I can't even say enough wonderful stuff about her. The emotion in her stories…it's incredible. I've loved everything that I've read from her. I've been obsessed with everything that I've read from her. :D Plus she's nice, so that's always good. Seriously, **_**Starry Eyed Inside**_** is SO good. I just want to spend all day reading it over and over and over again. It's perfection…**

**http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/u/1723736/**

**I know, long A/N. Take comfort in the fact that it's not the longest ever, and it's the only one this time. :D**

**~oOo~**

**WIRMTS Chapter 10 - She Unmasks**

* * *

From: Isabella Swan - IsabellaSwan (at) NewMoon (dot) net  
To: Edward Cullen - ecullen (at) shakerphillipslaw (dot) com  
Saturday September 25, 2010 2:04pm

Subject - Day 1

Hi.

I know you don't have my first letter yet, but it went out this morning. I hope you get it in a few days. I sent it to your work address, like you asked me to.

Thank you for the pictures. You don't know how much they've already helped me. Just to be able to see you and everyone that I love really makes a difference. I love the picture of us that you sent—the engagement photo. I've always loved that one. The way you looked at me, did you look at me like that all the time? If so, how did I never notice it? I was wrong to miss that look in your eyes, and I'm sorry.

Um, I titled this Day 1 just because I figure that way maybe you'll be able to keep them straight, and maybe you'll be able to see my progress as the days go by. Angela, one of the people that help run this place, said that this might be a good thing for me to do, so I'm trying it. I hope that's okay.

I'm worried about you. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help it. Uh, hang on...

Sorry. I don't know why I'm leaving that, I mean this is a letter and I can edit crap out of it, right? But I really just want you to know what's going on. I don't want everything to seem perfect and like I'm making these great strides and stuff. I don't know how this is gonna go, but I'm trying. Sometimes things just hit me, you know? It's like this huge wave of water pounds down on me and it pulls me under and no matter how hard I fight and swim and scream, I can't break the surface. But it's different with you. You're like this buoy that's suspended next to me in the water, and if I can manage to grab a hold of you, you'll pull me up and back to the air that I need. Maybe that's not it. Maybe you're more like a life vest that wraps around my chest and tightens with the force of the water so that I don't slip. You never let me sink too deep, and you always push me back to the surface, and back to life...the life that's waiting for me while I fight and plead and struggle against the water. Sometimes it's so hard because it feels like all of my friends are on the beach, and they're laughing and playing and having fun, and while they get in the water every once in a while, they jump right back out without any problems. But me, I can't get out of the water. I want to, so much. It's like it calls to me, or something. I don't know. I want to play and laugh and sit in the hot sand, wiggling my toes in it and letting the tiny grains get all over my skin, but I just can't. What's wrong with me? What do you think that means?

I met with the doctor here last night. He gave me another shot of that stuff your dad gave me. He said it would help me relax and let me sleep. He said that I'd probably feel overly anxious the first few days because I'm trying to get used to a new lifestyle and a new schedule. He also said that I'll probably feel kinda overwhelmed by the counseling sessions. I had two this morning and I think they were okay. Hang on, Angela needs me.

Sorry. It's nothing bad, she just wanted to let me know when Alice is calling tomorrow. I can get phone calls on Sunday's, in the afternoon. I can have visits on Saturday's after I've been clean for a month, so in like four weeks maybe. Your mom said she'd be here that first day, so as long as I work really hard this month, I'll get to see her in four weeks. I can't wait.

So, um, my first session was a group thing. There were about ten people, I think. It seemed like they talked a lot about grief. Some of the stories there were really sad. There's this girl, Emily, and she's got scars all over her face and arms. I guess her boyfriend attacked her when he was high, and then he killed himself in front of her. He thought he'd killed her 'cause she was just laying there. She said she feels guilty because she stopped fighting so that he would stop hurting her, and instead he killed himself. And this guy, I think his name is Alec, his family was all killed when their house was broken into. He was shot, but he lived. Everyone else died, and he had to go live with his uncle, who he says was crazy. I can't believe how easily all the group members talked about what happened to them. I didn't say anything, I just introduced myself, but Ben said that was alright. Oh, Ben is Angela's husband and he runs a lot of the counseling sessions. Did I tell you that before? I can't remember.

Anyway, after that I had my first one on one session with Ben. He's really nice and I feel like maybe I can trust him. I want to tell him things, and I haven't wanted to do that with anyone before. I know it's wrong, but I just haven't wanted to. He asked me a lot of questions, but then he wanted me to talk about the first time I felt completely out of control. I had to think about it for a minute, and then when I finally remembered it, I was too embarrassed to tell him. It was that first Halloween that we were together, do you remember that? I really hope you remember that night. I've only felt that way, or done something like that, with you. I hope you know that.

I started to tell him about the way I felt, but I left out a lot of the details. I think maybe I'll ruin him with them or something, which is crazy. I'm sure he's heard way worse stuff than what I've been through. I mean, just in that group session. There were so many worse stories than mine, and yet look at me. Look how I've handed the little things that have happened to me. I'm afraid to talk in that session because I think they'll all laugh at me and tell me what a wuss I am, that all I had to deal with were my parent's deaths, and that's nothing.

So, I told him about that night, about how I got totally lost in the moment with you. That was the first time I ever felt like I was completely out of control, that I couldn't rein myself back in. It's not your fault and it's not my fault, Ben says it's just a sign of my condition, and that it was manifesting itself a long time before I ever got into drugs or anything.

Thinking about what we did makes me miss you...

~oOo~

_As I stood in my room looking at the two outfits laying across my bed, I was torn. Each one went along with the theme of the evening, but one was going to take a lot more guts and courage than I thought I had. _

_As Halloween approached, Edward thought it would be a fun idea to dress alike, since we were officially an item. A few of his friends from law school were having a party, trying to blow off some steam after a long week of mid-terms, and Edward had asked me to go with him. It would be our first actual night out as a couple, and I was both nervous and excited. I knew there would be a few girls there that Edward had dated previously, though he assured me that he never had more then two dates with any of them. He also promised me that the most physical contact he had with any of them had been a few good night kisses and one semi-make out in the foyer of one girl's parents house._

_After confiding in Rosalie that I was worried about the other girls, and that I didn't think my costume was appealing enough, she insisted on seeing it._

"_Bella, this is a baseball uniform, and not even one of the hot ones. This is like from the 40's or something. Why on earth would you choose this?" she asked me, obviously disgusted with the idea Edward and I had come up with._

"_Well, we both like baseball, and I thought it would be fun. Plus it's not too girlie, and I know Edward isn't going to walk around in tights or something, like I'm sure you're forcing Jake to do."_

"_Yeah, Jake veto'd that whole Robin Hood idea. He's been impossible lately, but this...oh Bella, you can't wear this. Especially if some of Edward's old 'female companions' are going to be there. We need to sex you up, baby." The glimmer in her eyes was a little scary, but I had no idea just how sexed up she planned to get me._

_Looking back and forth at the costumes had my head spinning. I finally decided that I'd make my choice after my hair and make up were finished, so I hurried to my vanity mirror and got to work. In no time, my hair was in pig tails and curlier than usual, and my make up was heavier and darker than I was really comfortable with. I knew how to do a smoky eye and a pouty lip, having received many a lesson from Rosalie, and I was honestly a little excited and proud that I'd pulled them off._

_As I stood in front of my bed again, I decided that I needed to be daring and bold. I wanted to make sure that all of Edward's attention was focused on me, so I quickly snatched up the costume Rosalie had picked out for me, and stepped into the bathroom to change._

_Since Edward was helping his friends set things up for the party, we decided to meet there. Rose and Jacob had been invited, and I would ride with them so that at the end of the night, I could go home with Edward. When I heard the door bell, I pulled my hat down onto my head and checked once more in the mirror. Everything was perfectly placed, and I couldn't wait to see the expression on Edward's face when he saw me._

_Opening the door, I was met by an excited cat call from Rose, followed by some type of growl/gagging combination from Jacob. "I knew it would fit! You look so great, Bella! I can't wait for Edward to see you. Doesn't this look so much better than some old stuffy baseball uniform, Jake?" she asked, hitting him in the middle of his chest with her hand while her eyes remained on me._

_My costume was basically the same thing Edward would be wearing, except that in place of pants, I only had on long tube socks that came up over my knees. I had swapped out the baseball cleats and was instead wearing lace up boots with heels that were luckily a few inches shorter than what Rosalie originally wanted me to wear. I knew I would have spent the whole night falling over if she had chosen my footwear, so I was thrilled when she gave in to my demands. After all, it shouldn't have been a big deal, since she was picking out the rest of my ensemble._

_The whole ride over, I felt Jake's eyes on me, and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, wondering why he kept looking at me. I knew the shirt I had on was low cut, and I was a little worried about the amount of cleavage I was flashing, but Rose went on and on about how hot I looked. The uniforms that Edward and I had picked out where white with a deep, navy blue trim, but the outfit Rosalie found for me was red with white trim. It wouldn't match Edward's clothing, but I hoped that he would find it sexy and not be too upset._

_Once we found a place to park, I stepped out of the car, tugging on the hem of my shirt to make sure it was covering my bottom. Walking through the warm night air, I was glad that we lived in Arizona and that the evening temperatures on Halloween were still in the 70's. If I had worn this outfit in Washington, where I'd trick or treated as a little girl, I would have frozen my legs off. _

_The lights lining the fence around the house cast a soft glow on us, and I marveled at the amount of skin Rose and I were showing. Her light pink ballerina costume consisted of a skin tight leotard, that left nothing to the imagination, and a pink sequined tutu, which barely covered her rear. Jacob was fully covered from head to toe, and was dressed as an 80's break dancer. I didn't think he could do any of the dance moves, but I wasn't sure. He always seemed to be full of surprises._

_Entering the house, there were people everywhere. I hadn't ever been to a party with so many people, and I felt an overwhelming need to find Edward. Rose held my hand as she pulled me through the crowd. More than a few times I felt a hand graze my thigh or try to push under the bottom edge of my shirt, but luckily we moved too quickly for any of the men to touch me for more than a second._

_As we made our way toward the kitchen, I saw a white baseball cap standing above the majority of the crowd. It was Edward, and suddenly I regretted wearing the skimpier costume. I stopped, causing Rose to jerk ahead and stumble. _

"_Bella, come on. He's right there, I see him."_

"_No Rose," I shouted to her in a loud whisper, trying to make sure she heard me over the loud music. "I want to go home. I need to go change. He won't like this, Rose, I promise."_

"_Bella, he's gonna love it, I guarantee you. Jake?" she yelled to her boyfriend behind me. "Doesn't Bella look amazing in this outfit?"_

"_Uh, yeah, I guess."_

"_And don't you think Edward is gonna cream himself when he sees her?"_

"_Maybe," he said unenthusiastically. He looked bored and quickly moved his eyes to glance around the room as if looking for someone._

"_Come on, Bella, please? Just let him see you, and if he doesn't like it, I'll take you home myself and help you change. Please?" she begged, clasping her hands together in front of her chest._

"_Rose..." I looked around the room, and noticed that almost every man in the room was staring at the two of us. Namely, they were staring at our chests and legs. Maybe if they all liked the outfit, then Edward would, too. Just as I was about to tell Rosalie alright, I felt a hand on my shoulder._

"_You wanna dance?" asked a tall, thin guy with blonde hair and sunglasses. Why he was wearing sunglasses inside of a house at night, I had no clue, but I quickly refused and looked at Rose._

"_Okay, but if he says anything, we leave. Got it?" I said._

"_Got it," she said, before turning around and continuing on toward Edward._

_She pulled us through the crowd and soon enough we were standing in front of Edward and his friends._

"_Hey there, Eduardo," Rosalie called out in a sing-song voice, a smile plastered on her face._

_He turned to look at her. "Hey, Rose! You guys made it. Where's Bella?" he asked, looking behind Rose and then right past me. As he turned his head to see who stood on the other side of Rose, I cleared my throat and soon his eyes met mine. He smiled a little, and then as his eyes traveled over my body, his smile disappeared. His reaction made it obvious—he hated the costume, and my spirits fell._

"_Bella?" he said, his voice sounding slightly higher in tone than it had a moment earlier. "What's with the costume? I thought we were matching..."_

"_Well, I'm still a baseball player, so we still match, but Rosalie thought this might be more fun and kinda sexy. Do you hate it?" I asked as I bit into my lower lip, clasping my hands behind me and swinging from side to side a bit. Edward and a few of his friends instantly took in the cleavage that was now prominently on display for them, and instantly he jumped into action._

"_Nah, you look good, baby, but isn't there a way to cover you up a bit?" he asked, He was clearly annoyed with his friends and the emotions that were expressed on their faces._

"_Wow, Edward, is this your girl?" one of the guys asked, his eyes fixed to me._

"_Um, yeah," Edward said, sounding a little unsure._

"_Do you like the pig tails, Edward? And what about the socks? Do you like those?" Rosalie asked, as she slid her index finger up my thigh, letting it trace around the hem of my shirt. Every male within five feet of us gasped, and before I knew what was happening, Edward had grabbed a hold of my hand and was pulling me out of the house. The look on his face was not a good one, and I quickly regretted my choice. _

_He was hurrying so fast, that I was having a hard time keeping up. Several girls tried to get his attention as we practically ran through the house, but he ignored each of them. Any time a guy would say something to me or whistle, Edward would growl and pull me faster. I kept trying to apologize, hoping that I could say something that would make it all right, but none of my words seemed to work._

_We burst out of the front door and followed the sidewalk to the side of the house, then turned to walk down the drive way, where I finally saw Edward's car parked. When we approached the car, he fished his keys out of his pocket and opened the trunk, leaning in and clearly looking for something._

"_Edward, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanted to look sexy for you, and Rose said this would do it. I'm sorry, please can we go back inside the party? I promise I'll stay right next to you and never leave your side."_

_He quickly resurfaced from the trunk, holding a light weight jacket and a blanket. The look in his eyes was one I'd never seen before, and as he started down at me, he thrust the jacket into my hands, then reached up to close the trunk door._

"_Edward?" I quietly asked, afraid of what he might say or do next. His free hand wrapped around my bicep and he pulled my body flush against his, his eyes staring down into mine._

"_Bella, get in the car," he growled in the sexiest voice I'd ever heard. "Now."_

_As I stood against him, I could feel him hard and thick against my belly, and all of the sudden things made sense. His eagerness to get me alone, the lustful look in his eyes, the pure want in the tone of this voice. The only questions now were would he give in, and where was this going to happen?_

_I pushed up onto my tip toes and gave him a full kiss on the mouth, letting our tongues tangle and twist. Pulling away, I suddenly felt like I couldn't get close enough to him, and I wanted more._

"_So, I guess you like the costume then?" I asked, wiggling my eyebrows at him. I was suddenly feeling brave and I reached up to slide my hands along his chest and the button closure of his shirt._

"_Baby, do you have any idea how hot you look in that?" he asked as he lowered his mouth to my neck and began placing wet, desperate kisses on my skin. "Every guy in that house was looking at you. Those legs of yours..." His mouth dipped lower past my collar bones, and I felt the blanket he held in his hands brush against my leg as it fell to the cement below us. "And these boobs..." His fingertips grazed the collar of my shirt before I felt a button pop open._

_Edward had me pinned up against the trunk of his car, and for a moment I worried about someone seeing us, but as soon as his fingers tugged open my shirt, my head fell back and I forgot every worry I had. I pushed my hips toward his, grinding them against the hard erection there. My hands covered every inch of his chest, shoulders, and back that they could reach, and soon my fingers were grasping onto his hair, after having thrown his baseball cap to the ground._

"_Edward, ohhhhh..." I could barely think straight, much less talk, and the feel of his mouth as it hungrily devoured the upper swells of my breasts made me crazy. I had never wanted him more than I did in that moment and I didn't care who might have seen us. All I knew was that I wanted him, all of him, and I wanted him soon._

_He pulled my shirt open a little more, just enough to dip his fingers into my bra and lower the cup until my nipple popped out. The cool night air met my newly wet flesh and goose bumps quickly formed. Edward's mouth latched onto my hardened peak and I let out a loud moan in the still night air. His hands were frantically grasping at my waist, as he tried to lift me onto the trunk. Once I was sitting up on it, and a little higher than I had been, he pushed my legs apart and stepped into me, his hard member finally flush with my center. He started to thrust against me a bit, and I lowered my hands to the waistband of his pants, pulling at the clasp there and cursing whoever had designed the stupid costume he was wearing._

_Once I had the closure opened, my hand dove into his pants, grasping the silky skin of his rock hard member and wrapping tight around it. He groaned at my touch, and I felt him begin to suck hard at my neck and chest. I opened my eyes for a moment, after hearing a noise nearby, but was glad to see it was just a cat lurking in the bushes next to the house. The driveway was rather dark, and I knew we would be hard to spot, but for a moment, I wondered what it would be like to have a spotlight shining on us, alerting everyone to what we were doing to each other. The sight of us experiencing so much pleasure was surely incredible, and I made a mental note to ask Edward about maybe watching porn together, or even video taping ourselves. I'd heard Rosalie talk about it, and even though Edward and I had only had sex a few times and I was still learning all the things I should and shouldn't do, I wanted to try it. I wanted to screw my amazing boyfriend in front of a stadium full of people, just so that they could see the things he was able to do to me. _

_I had never felt these feelings before, and they frightened me just a bit, but when I felt Edward's fingers push my panties aside and slip into my wet heat, I didn't care anymore. My body was abuzz with feeling and want, and it was all for this man before me. _

_As he continued his ministrations, I almost forgot what we were doing, and I felt my mind going to a place I'd never been before. It scared me, but it also felt so good that I couldn't find the desire or will to stop myself. I wanted to feel out of control and wild, and I craved the freedom those feelings seemed to offer me._

"_Baby, I don't have a condom on me," Edward breathed heavily against my chest. "We should go home."_

_Not wanting to stop, I pulled his dick from his pants and rubbed the tip of it against my pussy. The sounds that came from his mouth at the feel of me were enough to tell me that I could persuade him to stay. I could convince him to have sex with me on the back of his car if I really wanted to._

"_Edward, it's okay. You know I'm on the pill and I'm clean. I trust you."_

_He seemed to waver in his desire to leave, so I leaned in closer to him, with my lips at his ear. As I whispered to him, I lined his dick up with my core and pulled him closer. "Fuck me, Edward," I said and rejoiced at the feeling of him slamming into me, his hips forcing my thighs open wider._

_He whimpered a bit as his pace increased, and soon his head was laying against my shoulder as he pounded into me. I leaned back on the car, my breasts exposed to the night air, and moaned loudly at the sensations he was causing in me. I didn't care who heard us. I wanted him and I wanted the feeling of carelessness that had settled over me. All that mattered was Edward and me, and I wrapped my legs around his hips, pulling him in as tight as I could._

"_Iz," he breathed. "I'm gonna come, Iz."_

"_Come for me, baby. Come in me."_

_As the words left my mouth, I felt him tense up before plunging into me deeper than before, for a few last thrusts. He stilled and I could sense his dick twitching inside of me. After a few moments, his eyes met mine and I soon felt his thumb against my clit. As he rubbed circles, his eyes watching me, I let my head fall back again, and I completely gave in. The overwhelming urge to own this man, to possess him, was something I could no longer fight, and I felt a tightening in my belly as he rubbed faster, his hips moving where we were still attached._

"_Edward...oh yeah, keep going," I called out, rejoicing as he got a little faster. Soon I was coming hard, my inner walls clamping down around the semi-hard cock that was still deep within me. The tingly feeling all over my body was incredible, and as it slowly faded, I opened my eyes to find Edward staring back at me. He has a small smirk on his face, and as I began to smile, he laughed._

_He quickly moved to straighten our clothes, glancing around to make sure that we didn't have an audience. I was a little saddened by the fact that our tryst was over and apparently no one had seen or heard anything, but it was probably for the best, especially since these were Edward's friends._

_Once every button was redone and pants and panties were covering what they needed to cover, he gently lifted me off the trunk and set me back down on the ground. His deep green eyes penetrated my brown ones, and he smiled softly at me. "That was amazing, I've never done anything like that before."_

_I giggled, "Neither have I." I felt his fingers slide against mine, lacing together as he held my hand._

"_Where did that come from?" he asked. I shrugged my shoulders, beginning to feel a little unnerved at the fact that I'd given in so easily to the frantic need that had consumed me._

"_Iz? Why did you call me Iz? No one calls me that," I said, trying to change the subject a bit._

"_I don't know, it just felt right. No one ever called you Iz or Izzy?" he asked._

"_Nope, just Bella. Well, that and of course Isabella when I was in trouble."_

"_Hmmm, I like it. I think I'll call you that from now on. You'll be my Izzy." He leaned down and placed a kiss on the tip of my nose, before moving lower and capturing my lips with his. As he stood kissing me, our arms wrapping around one another, I sighed._

"_Let's go home," he mumbled into my mouth, and I nodded. When his lips pulled away from me, and our eyes met once again, he smiled. "And yeah, I like the costume."_

~oOo~

So, I have a session every day, and sometimes twice a day. I've met a few of the other people here. They seem nice enough, so that's good.

I wanna go home. I miss my bed, and I miss having a refrigerator, but I know this is what I need, so I'm trying my best not to fight it.

I'm trying to not freak out over what's going on with you. Hopefully I'll hear from you soon and I'll know you're okay. I hope things are okay with Tori. I don't know how she'll be okay with just letting you go. I know I couldn't do it. Well, not sober, anyway.

Um, I guess I'll go. I think they're doing a little hike around the center, or something. It's gorgeous outside. The mountains are so red, it's really pretty. They said there's a small creek not too far from here, and some of the people go there sometimes. I think I have to have been here a certain amount of time or something, so they can trust that I won't run off. I don't know, but I'd like to see that. I decided that when I get out of here, I want to see places. I've never really been anywhere, and I want to. I want to do that, so...maybe I'll start making a list or something. I don't know.

I love you, Edward. I'll write you again tomorrow.

Yours,

Izzy

* * *

From: Isabella Swan - IsabellaSwan (at) NewMoon (dot) net  
To: Edward Cullen - ecullen (at) shakerphillipslaw (dot) com  
Sunday September 26, 2010 7:34pm

Subject - Day 2

Hi, Edward.

Alice called today, and so did your mom. It was nice. I think some of the other people here were jealous that I got two phone calls. A lot of them didn't get anything. I heard one guy mumbling about how the newbies always get calls, but after you've been here a while, people forget. I hope that doesn't happen.

Anyway, Alice called and Rose was with her, so I got to talk to them both. They really are good friends to me. Rose said Jake was being a jerk, which made Alice laugh. I think Ali doesn't like Jacob too much. I can't say I blame her; he's been so weird the last few years. I thought maybe he'd changed while I was gone, but I guess not.

Your mom called. She said your dad was working, so I didn't get to talk to him, but she sounded really happy and positive. She kept telling me how proud she is of me. That both her and your dad are proud of me. Sometimes when I talk to her, it feels like I'm talking to my mom. It's weird. I asked her if she'd heard from you, but she said not yet. I hope everything is okay.

I had another counseling session with Ben today. It went well, we just kind of talked about my early childhood. He wanted to know things about my mom and dad. I told him what I remembered, but it wasn't very much. He asked if I have any other addicts in my family, but I couldn't think of anyone. He said sometimes it's a genetic thing, or at least your genes can make you more prone to addiction. Maybe he was just trying to make me feel better, I don't know.

The cravings are still bad, I got another shot this morning. I was shaking really bad, and I kept feeling sick to my stomach, so they gave me some medicine to help calm me down a little. It worked pretty well. After the shot, I just laid on my bed and looked at the pictures you sent. I kept repeating your voice over and over in my head, and I think it really helped. You can call me, you know? Once you get settled in and stuff.

Um, they had a little church service after lunch. It was kind of nondenominational, so there wasn't anything specific, but I went. It was nice and peaceful. They talked about God and about forgiveness. I think everyone here hopes they can be forgiven of things they've done. I know I do.

Well, tonight is ice cream sundae night, so I should go. You know I can't resist ice cream. I'll write again tomorrow, I promise.

I love you, Edward. Please don't forget.

Love Always,

Izzy

* * *

From: Isabella Swan - IsabellaSwan (at) NewMoon (dot) net  
To: Edward Cullen - ecullen (at) shakerphillipslaw (dot) com  
Monday September 27, 2010 4:19pm

Subject - Day 3

Hi.

Did you start work today? I hope things go okay with that, that you're able to transition smoothly and all. I can't wait to hear all about it. What's New York like? Is it cold yet? What's it like to walk everywhere? Or do you take the subway or a cab or something? Your mom said you left your car here, or at your parent's house, anyway. It must be weird to have things close enough that you can walk, huh? I can't even imagine not having a car. I guess that's one thing about Phoenix, everything is so spread out. You can't really function without a car. I mean, I couldn't even get to the grocery store, but I'm sure you remember that. Did you ever ride on that light rail they put in? The one that goes through Phoenix and Tempe and stuff? It doesn't go very far, but it'll get you downtown for ball games and that kind of thing. I want to ride it someday.

It's getting cooler here. I mean, it was already a little cooler than the Valley, but still autumn is definitely here. The trees are so pretty. There are a few types that are changing color, the oak trees around. They're really nice to look at. I sat outside today and just watched the birds and stuff. It was nice. And at night, the sky is so clear. It feels like you can see a million stars outside. The city is so bright, I hardly see anything, but here...with all the city lights gone...I feel like I can see so much clearer. I think it's the same with me getting better. It's like now that I'm out of that environment, things don't seem so bad. I used to feel like I'd never be able to stop, but now I don't anymore. Now that I'm away from all that, I can see myself getting better. Ben talked about that today, about how I have to see myself getting better. It's hard, I've been this way for so long, but I need to do it.

I've been listening to the radio in my room a lot. There aren't many computers and there's a sign up sheet for them, so I only get to use them once a day. The tv's in the common area are always either on news or sports or that stupid Jersey show. I don't know what people see in that, I mean it's not natural to have orange skin and bumps in your hair, right? I did catch part of an episode of that Teen Mom show this morning. It actually made me feel better about myself. I might have to watch that again.

Well, I have to meet with the doctor in a few minutes, and then it's time for dinner. I hope you're okay. I can't wait to hear from you.

I love you.

Izzy

* * *

From: Isabella Swan - IsabellaSwan (at) NewMoon (dot) net  
To: Edward Cullen - ecullen (at) shakerphillipslaw (dot) com  
Tuesday September 28, 2010 8:52pm

Subject - Day 4

Hi.

Today was pretty bad. I'm still shaking, I have been all day. I spent the morning throwing up, so my stomach is kinda tight and unhappy now. I managed to eat some jello and crackers at dinner, and I haven't seen them again, so hopefully they'll stay down. Ben talked about my Dad today. I think that's what set off the vomiting episode. Well, that and whatever medication the doctor gave me last night. He said he's gonna start easing me off of things, and that I'd feel the withdrawal affects a lot more. I am, so I guess he was right. I went to group again today and just listened. They asked me if I wanted to share anything, and I just said that I hurt people, and that I was irresponsible and cruel. I was, wasn't I? I'm sorry for that, I hope you know by now just how sorry I am.

It's been 4 days since I saw you. I hope things are alright.

I'm going to bed. Maybe if I can fall asleep, I'll feel better tomorrow.

Iz

* * *

From: Isabella Swan - IsabellaSwan (at) NewMoon (dot) net  
To: Edward Cullen - ecullen (at) shakerphillipslaw (dot) com  
Wednesday September 29, 2010 7:39pm

Subject - Day 5

Hello.

I won't act happy in this, it's been a bad day again. I don't know how much more I can cry. Just when I think my body can't make any more tears, it does. Ben asked me about you today. I spent most of the hour crying.

Edward, I know the things you told me in the hospital felt real and true at the time, but did you really mean them? Were they just things you said to get me here? Did you feel guilty or something and you thought if you helped me into recovery then it would be okay? Did you mean any of it? I haven't heard from you. I really need to, or at least to know that you don't intend to write me or call me or anything. If you could just let me know, either way, that would be great. I wait all day for my computer time, just hoping to see an email from you. Maybe if I knew there wasn't one coming, I'd find something else to do. I'd stop hounding Angela about the mail, too. I'm sure she's sick of me by now, even though she's nice and says she's not. I can see it in her eyes, like she knows I'm clinging to a life raft that sinking, and I just don't realize it.

I love you, I hope you know that. I'll always love you, whether you want me or not. If you don't want to, or can't write me back, I'll understand. You have a new life and I'm sure if Tori is around, she wouldn't want you keeping in touch with me. I know I wouldn't if our roles were reversed. She's lucky to have you there, all to herself. I wish I was her...

You're not gonna write me back, are you?

**~oOo~**


	12. Chapter 11 She Cracks

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is a rather large collection of Precious Moment figurines. I love those little glass dolls… :D**

**Thanks to my superbeta **_**MaggieMay14**_**. She just says the sweetest things… And does the bravest things… I can't get enough of her, and MAN do I wish I lived closer to her so that we could hang out... :)**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 & **__**Unchanged Affections **_**for prereading this. They are both so good…so detailed…so insightful…so incredibly wonderful. :D**

**Sorry for the delay in this update, I know I left you with a mean cliffie last time. It couldn't be helped. :) But we've got some Edward POV going here, so I hope you enjoy it. :)**

**This chapter has another one of **_**Maggie's Firsts**_** in it, though I'm sure it's a First that you'd rather not hear about. It's gotta come out at some point, so now that it's out there, maybe we'll get a funner First next time. :D**

**While we were away, my wifey **_**Mrs. Robward**_** and I wrote an o/s for a contest. It won first place. It's uber sad and ultra angsty. I love it! :D It's called **_**exhaust**_** and it's on my profile. :) I also wrote a shorter story for the FAGE2 called **_**The Maiden**_**. I love it, too, and am SO happy with how it turned out. It's an 1870's Rancherward and Maidenella, so check it out if you haven't already.**

**Here we go…hope you like seeing a bit of what Edward was up to. Don't worry, there will be more from him and what was really going on a little farther down the road. :)**

**~oOo~**

**WIRMTS Chapter 11 - She Cracks**

* * *

From: Edward Cullen - ecullen (at) shakerphillipslaw (dot) com  
To: Isabella Swan - IsabellaSwan (at) NewMoon (dot) net  
Thursday September 30, 2010 7:54am

Izzy, I'm so sorry, sweetheart.

I only have a few minutes right now, it's my first day at work and I've got orientation briefings all morning. I'm going to try and write again at lunch, but just hang on for me, okay? It's been one thing after another since I got here and I'm so sorry that I haven't been able to write you until now. I gave you my work email and I thought I would be able to access it before today, but I couldn't. That's why I came in a little early this morning, so that I could check it.

I'm worried about you, baby. You have to be strong, okay? I know you're having a hard time, and I wish I was there to help you. Even if I could just hold your hand during your sessions, or hold your hair back when you're sick... I feel so helpless here, and then reading your emails is just making me feel more anxious. It's all I can do to stay here and not schedule a flight home.

I have to go, but before I do, I want you to know, everything is okay. I meant every word I said to you, and I still do. Nothing has changed, so don't worry. I love you, and only you, so try to have faith in me. I sent you a letter, it should have gone out Monday. Maybe you'll get it today, I don't know. I'll write you back in a few hours.

I love you.

Edward

PS. Thanks for reminding me about that Halloween. I don't think I'll ever forget you in that baseball shirt. You were incredible that night, in more ways than one.

* * *

I woke up feeling wrong, not normal. I hadn't felt normal for a long time, but today was different. Something was wrong. I was on edge and anxious, snapping about every little thing. At breakfast, the food tasted off, bland. I couldn't smell things the same way I had the day before. My head was a little achy and my stomach was still twisting and turning, plus now my hands were shaking. I wondered for a moment if I should talk to Dr. Gerandy, but I didn't want to be a bother. It was probably just more withdrawal side effects, and he'd tell me I had to get used to them. I'd done this to myself, and I didn't feel right about burdening others with my inability to handle things.

My mind kept wandering back to the night before, as I had sat staring at my empty email inbox. I'd been waiting for something, anything, from Edward for days, yet there was nothing. I stayed on the computer for ten minutes past my allotted time, just hoping that maybe a message would pop up, but there was nothing. I wondered for a moment if he'd even get the message I had sent to him. Would he even want them? Would he read them or just delete them? I'd tossed and turned all night, trying to come to terms with the fact that he most likely didn't want me and was never going to write me back. For the first time all week, I didn't spend the day waiting for my computer time that evening. I didn't even care anymore. I was sure that all I'd be met with was an empty inbox full of broken promises.

By lunch time, I was on edge even worse than before. I had a session scheduled with Ben and the Grief Group. I knew I'd probably spend the whole time crying, and I also knew that Ben was going to ask me to share for the first time. I'd been hesitant up to that point, and I was thankful for him not pushing me harder. I was going to have to speak eventually, and he'd warned me that today was the day. Maybe that's what was making me feel so bad.

The little room was cold, my skin pricked by the chill in the air. I sat down on one of the hard, cool metal chairs and leaned forward with my forearms on my thighs. I didn't want to put my back against the icy steel back of the chair, not until my body had acclimated to the temperature of the room. There were a few other people there when I arrived, but I didn't speak to them. They were quietly talking to each other, and I could feel their curious glances every few moments, though they never said anything to me, or about me.

"Welcome everyone, let's all take a seat. We've got a few more still coming, so we'll start in a couple of minutes," Ben said as he walked through the doorway and into the room. He stopped off at a desk, setting down some paperwork and files before moving to take a chair. My eyes met his for a moment and he smiled at me, support clear in his expression. I started to rock back and forth just a bit, trying to ready myself for what I knew was coming. It took all of my strength to keep me in the chair—I wanted so badly to go talk to the doctor. Something didn't feel right. I wondered if it was the new medication he'd started me on, maybe my body wasn't reacting well to it.

A few minutes later, after three more people joined the group, Ben stood up. "Let's get started. Welcome everyone, I hope you're all feeling well today. We're gonna start off with anyone who would like to share something. Go ahead, and let's remember to be respectful of each other. We're not here to judge, we're here to help and support one another. This is a safe place, so please don't be afraid to be honest."

The room was quiet for a moment before a young girl stood up. I'd heard her speak before, her name was Maggie. She stood, fidgeting and nervous, her fingers playing with her long, red curls that hung past her shoulders. As she spoke quietly about her past, she cried a bit. Listening to her talk about her eating disorder was hard, though I felt a bit of annoyance building within me. So she didn't eat sometimes, who really cared? How was that bad enough to destroy her life? She mentioned her sister that had died in a car accident and that after it happened, she felt lost and out of control, which was why she quit eating. That didn't make any sense to me, and I tuned out the rest of her words.

Next a man stood up. His name was Peter and he talked about how his wife and two children had been killed in a house fire. I had seen him around the center, and he was always quiet and kept to himself. I'd never heard him speak in group before, and I found myself actually listening to what he said. His story was much sadder, about how his wife had asked him several times to fix their water heater, that something was wrong with it, but he just never had time. Then one morning, after he'd left for work, there was an explosion, and his family was killed. He felt responsible, because if he'd just taken the time to do what she asked, it never would have happened. I knew kind of what he was feeling, and I wasn't as annoyed with him as I had been with Maggie.

A few other people stood and discussed things, and finally Ben cleared his throat and I could feel his eyes watching me. I didn't know what I wanted to talk about, so I stayed in my seat, waiting until he forced me to speak.

"Everyone knows Bella, she's a newer member of our group. She's going to share something with us today, so let's all be supportive and listen to her. It's her first time speaking to us, and I know you all remember how hard that can be." There was silence for a moment, a chair leg sliding a bit on the concrete floor as someone shifted in their seat. "Bella?" Ben said, prompting me to begin.

I stood slowly from my chair, pushing my hands into the pockets of my jeans. After about a minute, I looked up, seeing that only about half the people in the group were actually looking at me.

"My name is Bella, or Isabella. I'm not really sure what to share today, I've been thinking about it for a while. I don't really feel good, like, I feel kind of off or something, so I'm not really thinking clearly." I sniffled, moving my hand to rub nervously at my nose. "My mom died when I was pretty young, about 13 or so. She was sick for a long time, so when she finally died, I felt almost relieved. I don't think I should have felt that way."

"Bella, it's okay to feel relief when someone dies after a long illness. It's only natural once that pressure is gone. I'm sure everyone here feels the same way," Ben said, offering me a reassuring smile.

"Yeah, maybe. So after that it was just me and my dad. He was a police officer, and I worried about him, but he was always safe so I didn't think anything would ever happen. I was in college, I'd just started working on my Masters degree, when he was killed. My boyfriend at the time was really helpful and he took care of me, but I felt myself slipping, becoming depressed and just broken."

I reached up and ran my hand through my hair, pulling roughly on the roots of it as I tried to suppress the feelings that were bubbling up inside me. I hadn't talked about my dad very much because of how sad it always made me.

"It wasn't too long after when I started using. My class schedule was really tough, and I just had so much pressure on me to do well. It was all self imposed, I know that, but still, I felt like I had to succeed so that my parents would be proud of me. One night my roommate Eric saw that I was really struggling and tired, so he asked if I wanted something to help me stay awake. I trusted him, I'd never had any reason not to, so I said sure. That was the first time I ever took a substance. I don't really even know what it was. It was just this pill and helped me stay awake and keep focused on my assignments. I never dreamed that it would turn out the way it did."

"I'm sure a lot of us can identify with that, can't we?" Ben asked the group, and I heard several of the people around me agree. Logically, I knew I wasn't the only person to go through something like this, but I felt like my issues were worse than some of the other people's here. I would normally try to tolerate them, try to identify with them, but today I just couldn't find it in me to do that. My fuse was growing shorter and shorter with each passing minute, and I wanted to get away from everything and everyone.

"I didn't tell my boyfriend what I was doing. He didn't figure it out until about a year later. By that time I was so far gone, there wasn't much he could do for me. He tried really hard to help me, but I didn't want it. I craved the dulling that the drugs gave me. They made it easier to think about my parents and the fact that I had no one left. My whole life, my entire existence, boiled down to my one best friend and my boyfriend. That was it. No one else would miss me if I were to die, and that fact ate away at me."

I remembered the way I'd felt at the time, how even though Edward and Rosalie both assured me over and over again that they would always be there to help me, I didn't believe them. Even Edward's parents had stepped up to offer support. They hadn't been around much the first year that we'd dated, but once my father died, they dropped everything in their lives to help me. They became like a second set of parents, but I kept them at a distance. They weren't really my parents, and they could decide to leave me at any time. I had to protect myself.

I bit nervously at my upper lip, rubbing my teeth against the thin skin there. After taking a long breath, and letting my anxiety get the best of me, I dove in head first with my admission. "I had sex with people for drugs. I was engaged the whole time, and no matter how much I hated myself, I needed the high too much. What's really sick is that it felt good, exciting to fool around with other people, you know? I think I got addicted to that feeling almost as much as I did to the drugs themselves."

I was sure the people around me were judging me now. I didn't care. I was done and I wanted out.

"My fiancé had been trying to help me, so he was watching my money. I was broke and I needed a fix, so I went to my roommate Eric and asked what else I could do for the drugs. I knew he liked me, or at least he liked my body. I'd seen him watching me, so I used that to get what I needed. It didn't take much to convince him, and after a few minutes I had his dick in my mouth. We were in our living room, anyone could have walked in, and it was exhilarating. The excitement of getting caught was a high that I'd never felt before. It was the first time I'd done anything like that with anyone other than my fiancé, and I let Eric paw at my body, removing clothes and pulling me onto his lap. It was late in the evening, so the room was kind of dark. He didn't see the tears running down my face, but I don't think he would have cared even if he had. He was too busy fucking me to care."

I looked around the room, taking in the wide eyes of several other people there. What did I have to lose? Edward wasn't writing me back, obviously he didn't want me. My friends had dumped me off at a treatment center in the middle of no where, obviously anxious to get rid of their "problem." I had nothing stopping me from losing my mind and my control, and the rebellious side of me was looking forward to a little bit of shock and awe. I wondered if I could really surprise these people, if I could show them just how messed up I really was. I wanted to push them, to make them see what a waste of time I was, so I continued.

"Eric was small, I barely even felt him when he slid into me, but I didn't let him know that. From the moaning I was doing, you'd have thought he was hung like a horse. I was a good actress and it got me what I wanted. I remember how his hands felt, squeezing my hips so tightly, his fingers pressing into my skin. I wondered if he'd leave bruises, but he didn't. Once he closed his eyes and started grunting, thrusting, I let myself cry. I tried to imagine my Edward's face, just so that I could finish. I wanted to be done, even as exciting as it was. I didn't want to get caught, and Eric was taking a long time for something so simple. It was just a quick fuck, nothing more. Once he was done, I wiped my eyes quickly before he noticed, and grabbed my clothes. He gave me the pills I wanted, and I ran to my bedroom so I could take a shower before Edward got home."

I paused, remembering how I had furiously scratched at my skin under the hot, pounding water of the shower, trying to get rid of the dirt that I could feel spreading all over my flesh. It made me feel sick, but I had just taken the pills so I couldn't let myself vomit because I needed the drugs more. I knew if I threw up, then I would have done all of it for nothing.

"Edward came home while I was showering, and he came in with me. His touch was different, it made me feel different. I let him have sex with me, and I cried all over again. I felt so bad about what I'd done, but it didn't stop me from doing it again. Before long, it was just second nature. I put my brain on autopilot and did what I had to do to get the drugs I needed."

"How does remembering all of that make you feel, Bella?" Ben asked.

"I feel like crap. I feel like I hurt someone who's possibly the best person I've ever known. I feel like everything that happened to us, all the horrible things that happened in his life, are my fault. Like I did this to us. Like if I had been stronger, then he could have had his happily ever after. I feel like I took that away from him. I feel like I ruined his life, all because I couldn't stop myself."

My stomach twisted and turned, and I felt my heart begin beating faster, pounding in my chest. My breaths came faster and more forceful. My hands started to shake. Anger was building in me at lightning speed, and all I wanted was to scream and throw things and run away.

"Bella, are you alright?" Ben asked, slowly standing and approaching me. The room started to spin and I heard a growl come from deep within my chest. "Bella?"

"Get away. Don't touch me... I can't..."

"Bella? It's okay, you're safe here," Ben said in a calm voice. "Someone go get Angela, quickly."

Everything around me seemed to move in slow motion and fast forward, at the same time. I could hear ringing in my ears and my eyes were seeing flashes of light. There was mumbling all around me, and I felt hands on me. The next thing I knew, I was thrashing around, screaming and kicking and grabbing at anything within my arms reach. I wanted to destroy everything I touched, just like I'd been doing over the last few years. I destroyed things and people, I ruined lives and broke the ones that I loved. I was not good, and I felt the overwhelming need to prove that to all of these people around me.

The sounds of metal sliding against the floor, paper flitting through the air, and bodies moving quickly filled the room, and instantly I was on the floor, darkness around me as people huddled over me. There was a sharp pain in my hip, and within a few moments, things started to get blurry. I couldn't feel my fingertips anymore, and my tongue felt heavy and thick. My eyelids started to close on their own, even though I fought to keep them open. I felt my body still, becoming unable to move or lift or thrash. Edward's face came into my mind, and I thought about how good his arms had felt around me. The way he'd held me in my hospital bed and whispered to me. I thought about his lips and how soft they'd been against mine. His eyes haunted me, and I wanted nothing more than to see him.

I wanted to stop myself from thinking about him. I knew he didn't want me, a fact made blatantly obvious by his lack of contact with me. It had been almost a week and I'd heard nothing from him. It made me sad that he would have said so many things he clearly didn't mean, though I couldn't blame him. I'd hurt him so badly before, so how could I be upset when he took his chance to hurt me in return? Whatever I was feeling, whatever reactions my body was having, I hoped that they would be severe. I hoped that they would be enough to finally end my suffering. I closed my eyes, giving in to the black that surrounded me and felt the familiar stirrings, reminding me that I'd been here once before. I'd pictured his face once before as I fell over the edge into the darkness. I was finally getting my wish.

* * *

From: Edward Cullen - ecullen (at) shakerphillipslaw (dot) com  
To: Isabella Swan - IsabellaSwan (at) NewMoon (dot) net  
Thursday September 30, 2010 4:36pm

Hey baby, sorry I couldn't write again at lunch. They scheduled a lunch meeting with one of the firm's biggest clients, and it was just so that they could meet me. I couldn't get out of it, but I'm done for the day now, so I can write you for a bit.

I spoke with my mom and she said that things went well at the center, that it's nice and that you were okay there. She said she talked to you Sunday. I'm so glad that things were going okay. Iz, I'm really worried about your last few emails. You sounded really happy and positive at first, but the last couple of emails have me worried. Let me explain, I know you're anxious about things here.

First off, the airline lost one of my bags, and it was the bag that had my phone charger in it. I told Tori not to pick me up at the airport, though I think she had a work dinner or something anyway, I don't really know. So when I got to New York, I spent a couple of hours in baggage claim, filling out forms and all that. I took a cab to the apartment, and Tori wasn't there. I noticed all of her stuff was in the master bedroom, and several of my boxes where in the guest bedroom, which I kind of expected. I hadn't talked to her a lot before I left Phoenix, but she knew something was up. She's a smart girl. It made things easier for me, though, so that's good. I wanted to call you Sunday, but the battery on my phone was almost dead. I went to three different cell phone stores and every one of them was sold out of my particular charger. Who knew my phone was so popular? The airline finally called yesterday morning, so I picked up my bag and as soon as I started my phone charging, I called my mother to see how you were.

Like I said, Tori wasn't at the apartment when I got there. I didn't see much of her over the weekend. She was always either in her bedroom, or away from the apartment. I finally talked to her Tuesday night, but she already knew something was going on. We decided that I'll stay in the guest bedroom for now, until I can find an apartment closer to the office. Tori cried a lot, I felt really bad hurting her, but I know it's for the best. I want her to feel for someone the same way I feel for you. She deserves that. So, things are okay here. I've spent the better part of the last few days looking at apartments. Nothing so far, but I'll find something soon.

I got your letter today, it was delivered this afternoon. Thank you for sending it. I liked the lyrics to that song, and yes, I've heard it. I was trying to think of something to send back to you that would tell you what I'm thinking. I heard this the other day and it made me think of you and how things are between us. I'll attach a link to the song itself, but read the words, they say what I'm feeling.

_Fall down  
__Yeah, you're falling on your knees  
__And you're begging me please to help you  
__The sound of your screaming on the ground  
__'Cause the demons on your head have found you_

_I don't wanna hurt you  
__I just wanna fix you  
__I know I can make it right again  
__I want you to see me  
__I need you to feel me  
__That's all that I wanted in the end_

_Hey you, take a look around  
__I'm beside you  
__I'm right here for you now  
__Hey you, it's hard enough to be what you want to  
__I'm right here for you now  
__Right here for you now_

_Stand back getting closer to the edge  
__Just turn around and walk away now  
__Come back stop putting on the act  
__Can't I have ya just the way that I found ya?_

_You don't wanna hurt me  
__You gotta believe me  
__I know I can make it right again  
__I'll always look after  
__Don't care that I have to  
__That's all that I wanted in the end_

Izzy, I love you. I always have and I always will. I know you can do this. You need to try and stay focused, okay? I meant what I said, and I'm going to try and come see you next month, after you pass your 30 days clean point. My mother said that you can have visitors on Saturday's after that, so I want to come and see you. I miss you so much already. I feel like I just got you back, and now I can't even be there to enjoy you. I've missed everything about you this past year—the way your hair smells, how soft the skin on your stomach is, the little gold flecks in your brown eyes, and even how your bottom teeth are just a little bit crooked. I've missed it all, and I can't wait for us to be together again so that I can show you all the parts of you that I love.

I love you, Iz. Don't ever forget that. I'll write again tomorrow, but hopefully this will put your mind at ease a bit. I'll call on Sunday, too. It sounds like you'll be busy with lots of calls that day, if last Sunday was any indicator, but I want my turn with you. I won't pass it up.

Be strong, Iz.

Yours always,

Edward

* * *

From: Edward Cullen - ecullen (at) shakerphillipslaw (dot) com  
To: Isabella Swan - IsabellaSwan (at) NewMoon (dot) net  
Friday October 1, 2010 9:14am

Hi baby.

I gotta admit, I was expecting an email from you today, so I'm a little sad not to see anything from you this morning. Based on your other emails, you seem to get your computer time in the evening, so I was hoping you'd be writing me back last night.

I've got a long work day ahead of me, but I just wanted to let you know that if you still want to coordinate one time each day that we think about each other, I kind of have an idea of what my schedule will be. We can compare our days and see what works. I can't wait to hear from you.

My first meeting is here so I have to go. I love you Izzy, don't forget that.

Always,

Edward

* * *

From: Edward Cullen - ecullen (at) shakerphillipslaw (dot) com  
To: Isabella Swan - IsabellaSwan (at) NewMoon (dot) net  
Friday October 1, 2010 5:49pm

Hey baby, I just wanted to write quick before I leave my office. I've got a couple of apartments to see tonight, and then I'm stopping off at the cell phone store before I go home. I need to change my calling plan around and I think I'll upgrade my phone so that I'll be able to keep in contact with you a little better. Hope that sounds good.

I'll write again later. Maybe we can get one of those instant messenger things and then we can talk back and forth. Is that against the rules for you?

I love you, Izzy.

Edward

* * *

From: Edward Cullen - ecullen (at) shakerphillipslaw (dot) com  
To: Isabella Swan - IsabellaSwan (at) NewMoon (dot) net  
Saturday October 2, 2010 3:29pm

Izzy, I'm getting worried. I haven't heard anything from you, and I talked to Rosalie and she said she hasn't either. I just need to know that you're alright. I hope there's not some reason you don't want to talk to me. Have I done something wrong? Do you need to focus on you and you want me to back off? Tell me, sweetheart. I'll do whatever will make you happy. I love you, please don't forget that.

Edward

* * *

"Good afternoon, New Moon. This is Angela, how can I help you?"

"Hello, my name is Edward Cullen, and I'm calling about a patient you have there in your facility."

"Are you a physician or a family member of this patient?"

"Um, no, but my father is her physician and I'm her boyfriend, kind of."

"What's the patient's name?"

"Isabella Swan."

"Oh, yeah, Bella. What did you say your name was again?"

"Edward."

"Yes, Edward. She's talked about you, and your mother was lovely when she was here last week. Um, Dr. Gerandy, our on staff physician, spoke with your father yesterday about Bella's condition. Under the privacy laws, I can't really-"

"Angela, what are you talking about? Her condition? You mean the reason she's being treated there, right? 'Cause that's not why I called, if that's what you're saying."

"Oh, no. Well, why are you calling, if it's not about her condition?"

"Wait, is something wrong with her?"

"You'll have to speak with your father about that."

"Well, I was calling to see if she's okay. I haven't heard anything from her, or gotten any emails, in the past few days, and I don't think that's really like her. I just wondered if she's okay."

"Oh, I see."

"Um, when are calling hours tomorrow? In the afternoon, right? I wanted to call and speak to her tomorrow, but I just thought I'd check and make sure she's still there, and that there's not a problem. I can't imagine why she wouldn't be writing me back."

"Edward, can you hold on just a second? Let me change phones, okay?"

"Okay."

"Thanks, Edward. Look, I'm not really supposed to tell you this, but I've talked to Bella quite a bit about you and I know how worried she's been this week, not hearing from you. Something happened in her group meeting the other day."

"What?"

"She kind of freaked out. She said she'd been feeling off, just not good, but she totally lost it. She was talking about her past and she just cracked. We had to sedate her, she was thrashing around and throwing things. Her body isn't handling the detox and withdrawals very well, so Dr. Gerandy is keeping her sedated for now. I don't know how long it will last, how long she'll be like this, but I don't think she'll be awake tomorrow for phone calls."

"Did your doctor tell my father about this?"

"I believe so. He talked to him yesterday, so I'm guessing he did. Maybe you should talk to your dad, get more details from him."

"When did this happen?"

"It was Thursday afternoon."

"Listen, do you know if Bella had her computer time before this happened?"

"Let me look and see when she was scheduled for... Most likely she didn't. She was written in for six in the evening."

"Angela, is there anyway to see for sure if she has or hasn't seen my emails?"

"Sure, we monitor all emails, let me just look. Um, no, she hasn't opened any emails as of her last computer log in time, which was Wednesday night."

"Okay. Um, could you do something for me, since she probably won't have phone time tomorrow?"

"Sure, if I can."

"I'm going to send her an email right now. Could you print it out and read it to her? I think she may have been reacting to me not writing her all week. I didn't have access to her emails and my phone battery was dead. I sent her a letter, too, hopefully that's arrived by now."

"Yes, actually we got it Thursday afternoon, about an hour after we had to sedate her. I've been saving it for her for when she's awake again. I know she'll be excited."

"Yeah, okay thank you. So I'll type this up and send it to her account and then you can print it and read it to her, right?"

"I'll be happy to do that, Edward."

"Thank you, Angela. Please, let me know, if you can, when she's awake. I'll call my father, too, but please... I'm really worried about her."

"I will, Edward."

"And if things get bad, I need to see her, so please just email or call me, I don't care. Please. I need to be there with her."

"Don't worry, Edward. I'll let you know. And we're taking good care of her, don't worry."

"Okay, thank you, Angela. Bye."

"Goodbye."

* * *

From: Edward Cullen - ecullen (at) shakerphillipslaw (dot) com  
To: Isabella Swan - IsabellaSwan (at) NewMoon (dot) net  
Saturday October 2, 2010 4:02pm

Izzy,

I love you. Be strong, baby, and come back to me. You can do this, you can beat this, Iz. I have faith in you. I believe in you. You need to believe in yourself, too.

I saw this Sara Teasdale poem and thought of you, of how I feel about you.

_They came to tell your faults to me,  
__They named them over one by one;  
__I laughed aloud when they were done,  
__I knew them all so well before,  
__Oh, they were blind, too blind to see  
__Your faults had made me love you more._

I love you, regardless of everything else. I need you, Iz, so please, get better. I can't wait to see you, sweetheart.

Be strong, for us.

Yours always,

Edward

**~oOo~**

**A/N: Poor Bella. At least we know Edward wasn't just saying all that, right? :D**

**The song he quoted to her is – "Here For You Now" by Lesley Roy. Thanks to **_**Twilight44**_** for finding that. :) It's on YouTube.**

**And the poem is Faults by Sara Teasdale. _Unchanged Affections_ likes that one, and so do I. :)**

**Author Rec Time…**

_**CaraNo**_** – have you heard of her? She's good. She's got some really great stories, one of which I rec'd on last weeks update of **_**What Hurts the Most**_**. It's called **_**Our Yellow House**_**. OH MY GOODNESS! I'm in LOVE with it! It's very good. And she's got some awesome other stories. A truly beautiful 9/11 story that will make you cry, and a super funny Docward and Receptionella story that will make you laugh. Plus now she's doing the EPOV to that story! Yay! Really good stuff, trust me. And she's nice, too. I always love that. :D**

**http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/u/2712792/CaraNo**

**I'm on Twitter, and it's fun. Plus you get stuff, like teasers. :D  
****And this has a thread on Twilighted, though I don't hang out there as often as I should.  
****Links to both of those are on my profile, as well as for the PIC blog, which I love.**

**I'll send a teaser with review replies, so if you want a peek at next chapter, let me know what you thought of this. It may take a week or so, just 'cause I can't send it out until I have something really good written, so hang in there…it will get to you eventually. Also, ff dot net is being stinky about letting us reply to reviews, so I've been doing it through the PM system. If your PM's are turned off, I can't send you anything. Sorry, I'll try but I'm kinda stuck… :D**

**Finally, Happy 25****th**** Birthday to our favorite boy last Friday! And on a Friday the 13****th**** to boot! It really was a fabulous day… :)**


	13. Chapter 12 She Tries

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is a little dog whose birthday is July 4****th****. We shoulda named her Liberty or Star or Betsy Ross, but we didn't. We gave her a corn dog as her birthday treat. She's a happy little dog tonight. :D**

**Thanks to my superbeta **_**MaggieMay14**_**. She gots herself a new job AND a date this week! I can't wait to hear all the details! :D**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 & Unchanged Affections **_**for prereading this. I love that they catch all my failures and mistakes. I couldn't do this without them...or at least you really wouldn't want me to. :D Also, thanks to **_**Burntcore**_**. I sent her the chapter so she could preread it, but I haven't heard back yet, though I'm sure when I do, she'll have lots of good suggestions for me. She's just awesome like that. :D Though in all honesty, she could have sent it back and I just can't find it. Oh man, my emal inbox is a scary place!**

**This chapter has another one of **_**Maggie's Firsts**_ **in it, and it's a sweet one. You'll be glad to know I have the rest of this story outlined and planned, each chapter containing a "first" of it's own. I'm excited for it. :D I think we'll wind up with about 10 more chapters, so that should be fun. :D**

**My wifey **_**Mrs. Robward**_ **and I wrote something for the Fandom Against Sexual Assault Awareness thingie that my uberbeta **_**coldplaywhore**_** was co-running. (there's a link on my profile) The compilation is out now, so if you have it, make sure you read the prologue for our new story that will hopefully start next month. That's the plan, anyhow. Look under the author name **_**Mrs. beeward13**_** for a story called **_**Unintended.**_** It's hot, I'm warning you now, so if you're under 18...just stick with this story's chapter. :D  
**

**Here we go... Oh, and just so you know, there are two Angela's in this story. You'll see. :)**

**~oOo~**

**WIRMTS Chapter 12 – She Tries**

I felt groggy, like I was under water. Voices were mumbling something nearby, but I couldn't understand the words they said. My arms felt heavy, like they weighed a thousand pounds, and as I tried to lift them, my muscles screamed out in agony. I was surrounded by darkness, my eyes refusing to open. Memories were swirling through my mind and I couldn't make sense of them. There was something trying to push through, and I didn't know if it was real or not. I saw myself thrashing, hitting, yelling—my body out of control. I tried to turn away from the vision, but it grew clearer and clearer until finally I couldn't deny it. My breathing began to speed up and my ribs burned from the movement.

"Bella?" I heard from somewhere close to me.

I tried to speak, tried to answer the voice, but the words wouldn't form. My tongue moved in my mouth, trying to bend so that the sounds could float out into the room. My mouth was so dry, my tongue feeling like sandpaper as it rubbed against the sides of my teeth. With a great deal of effort, I managed to swallow once my mouth began to water a little. I felt my fingers twitch at the same time my lips pressed together and my brow furrowed a bit.

"Hmmmmm," I said, my voice soft and weak.

"Bella? Honey, can you hear me?" the voice said. It seemed a little familiar, and I tried to figure out who it was and how I knew it. I soon felt a warm hand stroking up and down my forearm, comforting me as the person continued to speak. "It's Angela, sweetie. You can wake up now, it's okay."

"Ang-" I said before my voice cracked and gave out. I swallowed again, my throat still dry and sore. "Water," I whispered, hoping the word was clear enough for her to understand.

"You want a drink? Hang on," she said, her hand leaving my skin. I missed the warmth immediately and wished that she would come back. After a few moments, I felt something hard touch my lips. "It's a straw, sweetie, open your mouth a little."

I parted my lips, feeling the straw slip between them and then I sucked, welcoming the cool liquid on my tongue. It took a few tries before I finally started to feel a little better, and when I was done, I rolled my head to the side a bit, letting the straw fall from my lips. I tried to open my eyes, the light from the room burning them and blinding me a bit. As I blinked, things started to come into focus and I saw Angela sitting by my side.

"Welcome back, Bella. You had us worried there for a while. How you feeling?" she asked, concern clear on her face.

"Weird, um...sleepy."

"That's normal. Do you remember what happened?" she asked.

I tried to recall the last thing I remembered, but nothing concrete came to me. It seemed as though there was something there—something dream like—that was just out of my grasp, but I couldn't see it. I shook my head, letting her know that I didn't remember anything.

"Well, you had a little episode during group last week. Your body was fighting the withdrawal and you kinda freaked out. Dr. Gerandy had to sedate you and we've had you here since then. That was Thursday and it's now Tuesday evening. Your vitals are much better, so we decided to start weaning you from the medications. After you get your wits about you, we'll have you sit up and drink a little more. If you're hungry, we can get you something to eat, too."

"Tuesday?" I said, wondering how so many days could have passed without me even realizing it. Over the past month I'd lost so much time, it scared me. This must be how people that are in coma's for months at a time feel, I thought to myself.

"You had some phone calls and a letter over the past few days. I'm sure you'll be anxious to see the letter that came for you," she said, smiling brightly at me.

"A letter?" I asked quietly, wondering who might have sent me an actual letter through the mail. My heart wanted it to be from Edward, but my head wouldn't let it entertain that idea just yet. I remembered the lack of emails from him over the previous week, and tried to protect myself from the pain of him not writing me—of him not wanting me.

"Yeah, and there were a few phone calls for you, too. And some emails that I'm sure you'll be anxious to read."

Angela was still smiling at me, cluing me into the fact that whatever she knew was something big. She and I had talked about my struggle with Edward and what he and I had been through. She also knew how desperately I'd been waiting for an email from him. Would she have been this excited over a piece of mail from anyone else?

I looked at her, pleading with my eyes. "Who? Please tell me."

She let out a sigh. "Edward. You've been waiting for something from him, right?"

My heart started to beat faster. I wanted so much for the letter to be something good, something saying that he loved me and wanted me, but I was afraid to let myself hope for that.

"Edward?" I said, my voice laced with disbelief.

"Yeah, he called, too. And most of those emails I mentioned are from him as well. He's been worried, he said it was all he could do to stay in New York and not hop on a plane to get here and see you." Angela smiled and instantly I was comforted. Maybe he did still want me. At least it sounded that way from the things she was saying.

"Can I see it?" I asked, not sure if I would actually be able to focus my eyes on the paper long enough to make out any words that might be written there.

"Sure, I'll get it."

Angela left the room, leaving me alone for a few moments. I tried to remember what had happened to get me where I was, but I couldn't. The only things I could remember were that I was nervous about not hearing back from Edward, and that I was convinced he didn't want me anymore. I still wasn't completely sure, but I hoped that his letter and emails would prove me wrong. I needed him to love me, and even though I was ultimately getting better for myself, I couldn't help but picture him as the reward at the end of my long challenge.

"Here we go," Angela said as she walked into the room, handing me an envelope. It was still sealed, and I struggled to sit up so that I could open it. "Let me help you," Angela mumbled, moving toward the bed and pushing the controls that would lift the mattress and move me into a sitting position.

I looked down, noticing for the first time that I was dressed in a hospital gown. As I started to move, I instantly felt the desire to shower and clean myself up. Part of me was glad that no one I knew was able to come and see me in this condition. While I didn't have a mirror and couldn't see myself, I had a feeling that I most likely looked similar to how I looked a month or so after Edward and I had broken up. I'd stopped taking care of myself, instead only making an effort to get high and stay that way as long as I could each day. It wasn't until I stared at myself in the mirror one morning after a particularly bad night—which I couldn't even remember any part of—that I decided I had to stop. I knew then that I had to clean myself up, even if it was only on the outside. I needed to give the appearance that things were okay, and not just for those around me. I needed to try and convince myself of that illusion, too.

"You want me to open that for you?" Angela asked, holding up a small plastic letter opener that she'd brought with her when she returned to my room with my letter. I nodded, and she held the envelope in her hands, sliding the opener along the edge before handing the paper back to me. I sat holding it in my finger tips, frozen and afraid to see what it contained. If I never read it, I could continue living in my fantasy land, the one where Edward wanted me and would always come back for me. If I didn't read it then I didn't have to find out that maybe he'd changed his mind, or that maybe Tori had convinced him to take her back. I sat staring at the unassuming white envelope, my hand starting to shake a little.

"I don't know if I can read it."

Angela smiled at me, reaching her hand over to smooth a lock of hair off of my forehead. In that moment I realized one of the reasons I had liked her so much from the first day I met her. She shared a name with my favorite college roommate in Edward's house. The other girls that had lived there or stayed over with their boyfriends who lived there were nice enough, and sometimes really fun, but it was Angela that I bonded with. I hadn't done a good job of keeping in touch with her after college, and I had always regretted it. I felt like in some ways this was my chance to make up for my behavior, and I felt my body relax just a bit at her gentle touch.

"You can do this, Bella. I don't think it's bad news, I think you'll be happy. Do you remember I mentioned the emails Edward sent to you? He had me print one and read it to you while you were unconscious. Do you remember any of that?"

I looked at her, puzzled by what she'd said. "What? You read to me?"

"Yes. Would you like me to read it again, before you read your letter?" she asked. I nodded, waiting while she went to the other side of the room and picked up a piece of paper.

She read Edward's words of love and encouragement to me. They made my heart swell with hope, especially when he said that he believed in me. When Angela read the poem, I felt a tear slip down my cheek. He knew me so well—he knew that I'd be worried about not being good enough for him. I had so many faults and had committed so many sins, many of which were against him, and yet he still loved me, in spite of them. When he said he loved me, and always would, I knew the letter I held in my hands would make things okay. I knew I had nothing to fear—my Edward would never be as careless with my heart as I had foolishly been with his. He was begging me to fix things, and I didn't want to let him down.

"Do you want some time to read alone? I can step outside if you'd like." Angela stood from her chair, waiting on my answer.

"Um, yes...please."

"Okay, just call when you're done, and I'll be back." She smiled then placed her hand on mine, reassuring me with her touch. I could do this, and things would be alright.

I pulled the paper out of the envelope, listening to it crinkle as I opened it. Edward's elegant handwriting graced the white page, his black letters looping and swirling together. It took a moment for the tears that were filling my eyes to disperse, but once they had, I began to read.

_Dear Izzy,_

_I'm writing this as I sit on the plane bound for New York. I didn't think I could really do it, that I could really leave you. I just found you, and the thought of walking away seemed so wrong. Every instinct I had told me to run back into the hospital and hold you, but I kept thinking about the things we'd said to each other. I hope you know I meant them, every word. I want a life with you, Iz. I know we have a lot of things to work through, and that's okay. I'll do whatever it takes to have you with me again. The difference between my life a week ago and my life today is astounding. I was happy last week, I was able to function and do the things that needed to be done, but there was no joy and no hope. I laughed, but not with all of my body. I smiled, but not with my whole face. I imagined a future, but not a life. I wasn't whole when I was without you, and I can see that now._

_I'm so proud of you, Iz. I know this whole rehab thing won't be easy and I wish more than anything that I could be there and hold your hand while you go through it, but I can't. I talked to my dad about it a lot, and he promised he'd take care of you for me, until I can get back and take care of you myself. That's all I've ever really wanted, since the first day I met you—to take care of you. I know I played it cool for a while, or at least I thought I did. Maybe I didn't, I don't know. Maybe my infatuation with you was clear to everyone else, even though I tried my best to hide it. Either way, there was something about you that just made me want to protect you, to keep you safe. I don't think I ever told you after you left that first day, just how happy I was that you agreed to move into my house. It was a little embarrassing, but I didn't care. I was anxious to get you under my roof and close to me. I didn't even know you yet, but I just felt better with you nearby. I still do._

_I've been thinking about something you said. I know you keep saying that you're not worth it, that you have done too many wrong things and that you're not good enough for me. I just want you to know that I think you're crazy for thinking that. You obviously don't see yourself clearly. Who knows, maybe it's just the rose colored glasses I have when it comes to you, but you're everything I've ever wanted in a woman, faults and all. I was looking through this Shakespeare book I picked up in the airport. I needed something to read and it looked interesting. I know, I'm a dork, you can say it. It wouldn't be the first time I've heard you call me that, and it's true so I can't even be mad. Anyway, there was a sonnet in there and I thought of you as I read it. Maybe the old Bard can do a better job explaining things than I can._

_My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;  
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;  
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;  
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.  
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,  
But no such roses see I in her cheeks,  
And in some perfumes is there more delight  
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.  
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know,  
That music hath a far more pleasing sound.  
I grant I never saw a goddess go;  
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.  
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare  
As any she belied with false compare. _

_You might think when you read that sonnet that Shakespeare's speaking badly about the woman he loves, but he's not. He's saying that she's real, she's true and flawed, and yet perfect in his eyes. You're the same way to me, Izzy. I know you've done things that aren't right, so have I. I know you've made choices you aren't proud of, but so have I. I know there are things about yourself that you hate, but believe me, there are many things I hate about myself. Izzy, please don't ever think you aren't enough for me, or that you aren't worthy of me. I'm not perfect, sweetheart. I make mistakes and I do things wrong, but I think sometimes you don't see that. You have me on this pedestal, and it's not right, that's not me. I'm not this perfect person, I make mistakes. I know you might not want to believe that, but it's true. I didn't always do things right when we were together. There were plenty of times you were mad at me, it's normal. Please, when you're remembering how we used to be, don't just remember the good. B__e wary and acknowledge the wrongs we have committed against each other, because those things happened__—__they were real__—__and I don't think we should just forget or ignore them.__ I think we should both try to do that, because Iz, I want this to work. This is it for me, and I know I won't be able to handle it if things fall apart again._

_I love you, Iz. I hope you know that. I want you to work hard and get better. I want us to be together, and we can't do that unless you're well. We need this, baby. Please. If you need anything, don't forget I'm here. I'm always here for you, any time of the day or night. You have people who love you, so please...let us help you if we can._

_Looks like they're bringing some food around so I guess I should end this for now. I'll email as soon as I can, though by the time you get this, you'll probably have already gotten my emails and maybe we'll have even talked on the phone already. Oh well, I hope you'll keep this letter anyhow, so you can read it each time you need me with you. I'm always here, Izzy, always._

_I love you, baby._

_Edward_

His words rang through my head and my heart, and I wiped at the tears that were flowing down my cheeks. He did love me still, and no matter how crazy a concept I thought it might be, it seemed like he was as invested in a future with me as I was with him. I read through the letter a few more times before Angela finally poked her head into the room and smiled.

"If you're done, I've got something else you might like." She came toward my bed with a laptop in her hands, setting it down on my lap. "I told you that you had some emails, so I thought maybe you'd like to read them now, if you're feeling up to it.

"Yeah," I said, nodding and smiling. I laid the letter on the bed next to me and lifted the computer, opening my email account. The screen wasn't the one I was used to, but I could tell that it was an administrators account, which had access to my account, as well as the accounts for all of the other patients in the center.

I spent the next hour reading through emails from Edward, Alice, Rosalie, Esme, and even Emmett. He mentioned in his email from Saturday evening that he planned to call on Sunday. I asked Angela and she said that he had, in fact, called and that he was worried about me. I wasn't sure what to say to him, but I knew that I needed to talk to him soon. As the evening soon became night, I was overwhelmed with the need to call Edward. I had to hear his voice, and I hesitantly asked Angela if there was any way that I could call him. She left the room and when she returned, she handed me a pink cell phone.

"You can call him on my cell, since it's long distance. I'm sure Ben won't be upset about us breaking the rules just this once, but he's not here so I can't ask him. Just to be safe, we won't tell him about this yet, okay?" she said with a smirk on her face.

"Alight," I agreed, happy to have the chance to talk to Edward.

Angela gave me a paper that had Edward's number written on it, as well as Emmett's. She smiled knowingly at me, then quietly left the room again. I cautiously pushed the buttons for Edward's phone number, and hit send. I waited for a few moments, and after four rings, there was a click in the silence.

"Hello?" said the voice, panting and strained. It sounded like Edward, but it wasn't the calm, comforting tone that I was so used to.

"Edward?" I asked.

There was quiet on the other end. "Izzy?" he whispered.

"Yeah, it's me. Hi."

"Baby, hang on," he said, then I heard sounds of movement from his end, followed by the thud of footsteps on a floor. "Hey, sorry, I just wanted to get into my bedroom so we won't be disturbed. How are you? I've been worried."

I smiled. "I'm okay, I woke up this afternoon, and I just wanted to call you. I got your letter and your emails. I wanted to tell you thank you for them, for everything." I sniffled, wiping at my right eye.

"Oh sweetheart, I'm so glad you're alright. I've been so worried. I've been calling my dad about a hundred times a day, I think he's sick of me." Edward laughed a little bit, the sound like music to my ears.

"Are you busy? I know it's late for you, I can let you go if you need to go to bed or something."

"Baby, no. I'm not busy, and I'd miss a week's worth of sleep if it meant talking to you for a few minutes." Edward's voice was full of love and concern; I could hear it in each word.

"What are you doing?" I asked, curious about why he was up so late. I knew that since it was eight thirty at night for me, it was eleven thirty for him, and most likely he had to be up early for work the next day.

"Oh, uh...I was watching TV, nothing major. The news was on, I was just watching that. What are you doing? How do you feel?" he said.

"I'm okay, I'm tired, but I wanted to talk to you."

"I'm glad. I was really worried last week, and then I was really anxious to talk to you Sunday. I called Saturday since I hadn't heard from you. Angela told me what was going on. I'm still rather upset that my dad didn't tell me, but I know he was just trying to keep me from hopping a plane back to you. I wanted to, really badly."

I sighed as I listened to his voice. "I know, but I'm okay now."

He was quiet for a moment before finally speaking again, in a rather soft voice. "What happened, Iz? Angela said you kinda freaked out. Why?"

"Um, well they said my body wasn't handling the withdrawals too well, but I know I was stressed out, too. I think it was mostly that. I hadn't heard from you and I started convincing myself that you didn't want me. I was so sure that you'd gotten to New York and seen Tori and that you'd changed your mind. You didn't, did you?" I asked, nervous about what his answer would be.

He let out a deep breath. "Bella, no. Listen to me, no, I haven't changed my mind." I knew he was serious when I heard him call me Bella, and the part of me that was still questioning him calmed down.

"Okay, I believe you. I'm sorry I doubted you. I shouldn't have. It's just hard here, Edward. I'm so scared." I sniffled again, trying to be quiet so that he wouldn't hear me.

"Baby, you can talk to me, it's okay. You know the people there love you, right? They want to help you."

"I know," I said, my voice cracking with emotion. "But I miss you, and I miss Rose and Alice. I feel so alone here, I don't know anyone but Angela. No one talks to me, Edward. I just feel lonely."

"Baby, it's okay. It takes time to get to know people. I'm sure they've got their guard up just like you do. Have you tried talking to any of them?" I could hear the love and caring in his voice and I didn't want to disappoint him.

"Not really, I've just been keeping to myself."

"Well, I'm sure they're nervous about getting to know you, too. Why not talk to someone? Just pick out one person a day and talk to them. Do you have television you watch?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Well, talk to someone about a show that's on. Nothing big, just simple conversation. You can do that, Iz. Just ease into it, you'll be fine. I've seen you win people over, Izzy. You'll have more friends there than you'll know what to do with." His voice sounded lighter, happier, and I could hear a bit of teasing in it. He was starting to sound like the old Edward that I'd known so long ago, before I broke him.

"Okay, I can do that." I felt better about things already, and it was all due to Edward's encouragement. He knew just what I needed. How I could have ever thought I could survive without this man at my side was beyond me. It was pretty obvious how much he meant to me, and I wanted nothing more than to please him.

We talked for about twenty minutes, him telling me all about his work and a few of the cases he was helping with. He couldn't give me a lot of details, but he told me what he could. It was all so interesting to me, and I hung on every word he spoke. He asked me about the food, about the surrounding area, and about my room. He asked about some of my group sessions, too, and how I felt about them.

Overall, it was a wonderful few minutes that we spent together. I couldn't really hear much of what was going on with him, except when I heard what sounded like glass breaking and some yelling. He assured me that it was most likely just his neighbors, who seemed to be somewhat hot headed, but then when I heard stomping sounds and a door slamming, I wondered to myself if he wasn't trying to protect me. Those sounds were much louder and obviously not in another apartment. I knew he was still living with Tori, and I hoped that things were okay and at least civil between them. I trusted him when he said that he didn't want a relationship with her, and that he'd asked for the engagement ring back. He spent a few minutes telling me about their break up discussion, and that Tori had taken things better than he thought she would. I was still surprised that he'd given his grandmother's ring to her in the first place. Part of me had hoped that no matter what, that ring would always be mine in his eyes, but I knew eventually he would tell me, and his reasoning wasn't anything we had to get into right away.

Angela came back into the room sooner than I'd hoped for, and after telling me that my time was up, she left to give me a minute to say goodbye to Edward.

"I'm sorry, I guess there are some things I need to do," I said apologetically.

"No, it's okay. I should get to sleep anyhow, it's been a long day. I'm gonna call you on Sunday, alright? We can talk more then."

"Okay, I can't wait. I love you, Edward. So much." I tried to keep my voice as steady and calm as I could, but I was sure that Edward could hear a little bit of shaking in it.

"I love you, too, Izzy. Try for me, okay? Talk to some people this week. I want to hear all about it on Sunday."

"Alright, I will. I promise."

There was a long pause on his end. "I love you, Iz. Don't forget that, okay?"

I nodded. "Okay," I whispered.

"Bye baby," he said, his voice cracking a bit, and making me feel not as bad about the emotions that were quickly overtaking me.

"Bye," I said, not sure that it was loud enough for him to even hear. I quickly pulled the phone from my ear and pressed the end button, knowing that if I didn't, I'd sit on the phone all night listening to silence.

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were a blur, filled with group meetings and individual counseling sessions. I tried each day to talk to one person, then filled my daily emails to Edward with details. He was so supportive and encouraging in his replies, and it made me excited for my computer time each evening. Dr. Gerandy adjusted my medications and spent a great deal of time talking to me about what each one was doing to my body. It was amazing how each different substance worked, and how they were able to help each other. It reminded me of my group meetings, and how the idea was for us all to contribute and help each other heal. I decided at that point that I wouldn't judge anyone else or try to make light of their issues. Each one of them from the Thursday grief meeting had welcomed me back, letting me know that they cared about me and were worried. Even Peter, who had lost his whole family, came to speak to me. I knew the pain he was dealing with—feeling completely alone in the world—and I took comfort in the knowledge that I had someone close by that understood what I was going through.

Saturday morning brought a surprise for me with a visit from Carlisle and Esme. Carlisle had come to see me, as my physician, and Esme accompanied him. When she lightly knocked on my door and poked her head in, a smile on her face, I dropped the book I'd been reading and flung myself at her. I didn't leave her side through their entire stay, and I shed more tears than I wanted to admit. The feeling I had when I was with her was one that I'd missed, and I proudly introduced her to my new friends around the center. Carlisle spent a good deal of time with Dr. Gerandy and with Ben, most likely going over my well being, as well as both my physical and mental health. I wondered how much he would tell Edward, and I hoped that for my sake he would at least only pass along the good things. I didn't want Edward to worry any more than he already was.

Esme and I spent a few hours outside in the garden area of the facility. The weather was beautiful and it felt good to have the sun shining on my skin again. She filled me in on Alice and Rosalie, and even spoke a little bit about Emmett. I was surprised that she'd talked to him, but she said that Rosalie had stopped by one afternoon, after having a fight with Jacob, and that she mentioned talking to Emmett. It seemed that Rose and Emmett were becoming friends, which made me happy. Esme continued to tell me about a few jobs she'd done recently, and some of the orders that hadn't gone quite right.

As the afternoon began to come to an end, I asked about Edward. I needed to know from someone else that what he was saying to me was really true, and that he really did want me. There was a small part of me that still thought it was all too good to be true, and I needed the reassurance her words could provide. She laughed and patted my arm, telling me to stop worrying so much. We sat together in silence for several minutes before Carlisle finally came looking for us and it was time for them to go.

I hugged them both hard, squeezing tightly with all the strength I had in me. They both promised me that they would be back to see me soon, and reassured me that they had faith in my abilities. I told them that I loved them and how grateful I was to have them in my life. It was hard to watch them leave, but it was a little easier than the first day when Esme had left me at the center. I was getting better, and stronger, and I knew that soon I'd be okay again. I just had to keep fighting.

When Sunday afternoon approached, I waited anxiously by the phones, hoping that Edward would call. When Angela finally yelled for me, I hurried to the phone, excited to hear his voice.

"Hello?" I said, a little out of breath.

"Bella? Hey, it's me, Emmett."

My smile quickly faded. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to Emmett, it's just that I was looking so forward to talking to Edward. I tried to recover from my surprise quickly so that he wouldn't know I was a bit disappointed.

"Hey, Emmett, hi. How are you?"

"I'm okay. How are you? Better than last week, I hear." His voice sounded a bit shy and he wasn't being his bright and bubbly self that he usually was.

"Yeah, I'm okay. It was a bad few days, but I'm better now. I'm trying hard to get healthy, you know? I really want to be better." Better...I did want to be better.

"That's great, Bella. Thanks for the emails this week, they sounded good."

"Sure, I just wanted to make sure you knew I was okay."

There were a few moments of awkward silence between us. I could hear him breathing, and I was sure that he could hear me. It felt so wrong, being uncomfortable around Emmett, and I didn't want things to be uneasy between us.

"So, Esme said that you've been talking to Rose. She's really nice, huh?" I said, hoping to spark some conversation.

I noticed the excitement in his voice almost immediately. "Oh yeah, Rose is really great. I like talking to her, she's so smart and funny. I don't know what she's doing with that Jake guy, he seems like a jerk to me."

I laughed. "Yeah, I don't know what his problem is, he's just weird. He's been like that for the past year or so, or at least getting worse about it. I wish she'd leave him and find someone nice, you know? She deserves that."

"Yeah, that'd be good."

Our conversation flowed a bit more easily after that. We talked about Alice and Jasper, and the crazy wedding preparations Alice was making him endure. Emmett said he was actually a little grateful when Jasper insisted he tag along for their wedding cake sampling day. Emmett swooned over the several kinds of cake he got to eat, and it was fun to hear him speak so animatedly about something. I wasn't sure if we would ever get back to this type of talk, at least not after he found out about what I was, and especially not after the things I'd said to him.

"Well, I guess I should go. I've gotta go meet Jasper, we're going to work out, plus I'm sure there are other people trying to call you today." Emmett's voice sounded a bit down as he wrapped up our conversation.

"Okay. Well...I'm really glad you called today. I've missed talking to you."

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Yeah, of course." I smiled remembering the fun times we'd spent together over the past several months. Emmett was a good man and I really did care about him. That's why I dreaded hurting him, but I knew that it would likely come down to that.

"So, I was thinking that in a couple of weeks, when you are allowed visitors, I'd like to come see you. If that's okay?"

My stomach dropped. He wanted to come see me...and I could only imagine why.

"Oh yeah?" I asked, not agreeing but trying not to disappoint him.

"Yeah, I think we should talk about things, you know? I want to see you, make sure for myself that you're alright. It'll be fun, I promise."

I sighed, trying not to show any worry in my tone. "Okay, that sounds good."

"Okay then, Bells, I'm gonna go. I'll talk to you soon."

"Thanks Em, thanks for calling. Be good, I'll see you soon."

He laughed. "Love you, Bells. Bye."

"Bye."

I noticed as I hung up the phone just how easy it was to end my connection with him. It was nothing like a few nights before with Edward. I was making the right choice, no matter how much it might have hurt. Emmett would find someone wonderful that would love him the way he deserved to be loved, and she would be amazing. I just knew it.

About half an hour later, Angela yelled for me again, and once more I hurried to the phone, hoping it was Edward.

"Hello?" I asked, trying to not let too much excitement fill my tone.

"Iz?" he said, and I instantly relaxed.

"Edward! Hi, how are you?" I asked, bouncing on my feet a bit. I saw Angela laughing from the corner of my eye and shook my head, trying to calm down a little.

"Hey baby, how's your day? You been on the phone all afternoon?" he asked.

"No, just once. Emmett called a while ago." After the words left my mouth, I felt like smacking myself in the head. Edward was quiet for a moment.

"So, how's Emmett?" he said, his voice sounding flatter than it had before.

"He's fine. Um, he said he's been hanging out with Rose lately, so that's good. Um, how are things with you?"

"Good, everything's fine. So how did TV watching go today?" With that question, we began discussing how things had been going with me trying to make friends. He was very interested in my achievements and seemed to be happy that I was trying so hard. As we talked more and time passed, I mentioned the movie that had been on TV that morning when I'd spent a few minutes talking to Emily. As I told Edward about some of her scars, he was very quiet.

"What's wrong?" I asked, hoping it was nothing important.

"Nothing, just that movie you were watching. I remember that movie."

I paused for a moment, trying to figure out what he was talking about, and then it hit me. "That was the movie we watched that first night, wasn't it?" I asked.

"You remembered," he said with a soft chuckle.

"Of course I do. I remember dancing with you to the song at the end. I thought you were so romantic."

"Yeah, well I'd had to sit through that whole thing staring at your red toe nails. I swear you painted those things red just because you knew it would drive me completely insane."

I laughed. "Actually I did."

"What?" he said, laughing even more.

"Well, I noticed you and your friend commenting on Rose's toe nails one day, so I painted mine, and then the next time I walked through the kitchen barefoot, you about fell off your chair. I knew then that maybe you liked me a little bit." My heart started beating faster at the memory of that day, and how I wanted so much for Edward to be interested in me romantically.

"Iz, I wanted you from the moment you walked in my door that very first day. But man, seeing you with that red polish on your toe nails about did me in. You were so hot, it was all I could do to stop myself from following you back upstairs that day."

I smiled at his words, remembering the way he used to look at me...

~oOo~

"_I can't believe you want to watch this old movie. What is this, like from the 80's or something?" I asked Edward as he popped in the DVD._

"_No, this is a good movie. Haven't you seen this before? It's exciting, plus they filmed it all over the Valley here so you'll recognize some places."_

_Edward was obviously excited about watching the movie that had come out when we were just children. I'd never seen it, but I couldn't deny that Alec Baldwin was looking really good during that point in his career. I figured Edward just had a thing for blondes since I'd only ever heard Jessica and Lauren talk about the blonde girls that he had dated in the past. I knew none of them had been too serious, my roommate Angela assured me of that, but she also confirmed the blonde thing. Being that I was brunette and nothing close to a blonde, I figured I didn't stand a chance with Edward. As I looked at the DVD cover, I traced my fingers over Kim Basinger's blonde hair and wished for just a moment that I had blonde hair and blue eyes. It was a wish I'd made many times as a child, but never had I wanted it more than during that moment._

_Edward sat down next to me, pushing a container of chicken low mien into my hands before picking up the sweet and sour pork that he loved so much. "What?" he asked me with a goofy grin, his mouth full of pork. I shook my head and smiled at him._

"_Nothing. This is perfect, thank you."_

"_Well, if no idiot was smart enough to ask you to the dance, the least I could do was keep you company tonight. I'm kinda excited about it, honestly." He turned to look at the TV, his jaw muscles flexing and stretching as he chewed his bite. I passed over the wooden chop sticks he'd brought into the living room for us and grabbed a fork instead, then dug into my food._

_As the evening wore on, he pointed out all the locations that I should have been able to recognize. He figured that since I'd been born and raised in Arizona, I should know them off hand. Apparently I didn't get out enough, since there were only one or two that I even kind of recognized. I also noticed that every so often he would say Izzy or Iz instead of Bella. I never corrected him about it, but I found it odd that he didn't even seem to notice when he did it. It appeared that whether he called me one of those names or he called me Bella, it all meant the same thing to him. No one had ever called me Izzy or Iz before, but I liked the sound of his voice saying it, and I decided then and there that I would never discourage him if that was what he wanted to call me. He could call me Bob or Fred and I'd still answer._

_When the movie ended, the credits began and a Richard Marx song started to play. Edward sat his cup on the table near us and stood up. I figured maybe he was going to change the movie or that he was tired of boring old me, and he was going to bed. Instead he held out his hand, offering to pull me up. When I hesitated, he spoke. _

_"Iz, would you dance with me, please?" _

_I thought he was kidding, and I laughed at him, but he continued to stand in front of me, his hand in front of my face. Eventually I agreed, and we danced to the love song. The way things progressed in those moments caught me completely off guard. Before I'd realized what was happening, Edward was carrying me up the stairs, his lips glued to mine. _

_I'd never kissed anyone before, but being with him was like breathing, kissing him felt natural and right. I was sure he could tell I had no idea what I was doing, but he never said a word. He took me into his bedroom, which I'd had a glimpse of a few times, and once his door was shut and locked behind us, he lay me gently down on his bed._

_His hovered over me, his lips softly brushing kisses on my neck, my cheeks, and my forehead. I felt as though I was on fire from his touches, and I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him down onto me. Our bodies formed to one another, and soon his hands began to wander along my curves. I jumped when his thumb grazed my nipple, even though it was covered in several layers of fabric. He could most obviously feel the goose bumps on my skin and the way I started to shake. I'd never done anything like this with anyone before, and I was nervous._

"_Baby, you okay?" he asked as his lips softly sucked my earlobe into his mouth._

"_Uh huh," was all I could manage to mumble._

"_Iz, what? Tell me," he whispered, his right hand wandering along the edge of my jeans._

"_Edward, I've never...um...oh man," I moaned as his teeth grazed the skin on my neck._

"_You've never what?" he asked while his fingers pushed under the waistband of my pants._

"_I've never done this. Ever," I said, and waited for him to get off of me. It didn't take long for his hands to freeze and for him to pull back from me._

"_What?" he asked, his eyes meeting mine and clearly puzzled._

_I looked at him, trying to hold back the embarrassment that was threatening to consume me at any moment. "I've never done this. I've never kissed anyone or made out with anyone. And I've never...had sex," I whispered._

_He leaned back, even farther away from me. "What?" he asked, running his hands though his hair._

"_I'm sorry, I should have told you. I just really like you and I really wanted to do all of those things with you. You think I'm a freak now, right?" I asked, cringing and turning to look at the pillow next to the one my head was currently laying on._

_He let out a long breath. "No, Iz, no I don't think that. I would never think that of you. You know I'm not all that experienced either, right?" he said, lying down next to me._

"_What? I've heard the girls talk, you're always dating someone." _

_His fingers moved to trace my collarbone and around the neckline of my shirt. It felt like heaven._

"_I date, but that doesn't mean I fool around. I've had a few girlfriends, but none of them were very serious. To be honest, I only slept with two of them." He smiled a little bashfully at me, while my mouth hung open in shock._

"_Only two?" I asked, then slapped my hand over my mouth, shocked that I'd asked him his number of partners._

_He laughed. "Yeah, only two. I think sex is important, you know? I don't want to do that with just anyone. I mean, I've kissed more women than that. That number's a bit higher, around 15 or so, but as far as sex and making love, that's only two." His eyes great darker and burned into mine. "But I think I'm ready to add to my list."_

_I swallowed, knowing that he was talking about me. "Does it hurt?" I asked, remembering Rose telling me about her first time. The only difference was that I was a 21 year old woman, and she had been a 16 year old girl._

"_It might a little, but I'll be careful. I never want to hurt you, Iz. I'll always be careful with you."_

_I nodded, staring intensely at him as he leaned toward me, his lips finding mine again._

"_We'll go slow," he said as he kissed me. "I'll be gentle. I want it to feel as good for you as it will for me. You're special, Izzy, this will be perfect."_

_I lost myself in his kisses, his hands wandering my body and touching places that only I had ever touched. We didn't have intercourse that night, but it was only a few days later that it finally happened. I swooned when he called it making love rather than just having sex, like most guys said. I felt special to Edward, and I hoped that he was able to see how much he meant to me. The closer we got, the faster I fell, until finally I couldn't deny it anymore. I was in love with Edward Cullen._

~oOo~

"That was fun, that's a good movie. I think when you're outta there, we need to watch that movie again, remind you of the places you haven't paid enough attention too," Edward said.

"I think you just want to see that love scene with Baldwin and Basinger again," I teased.

"Well, they were pretty hot. I mean man that was some serious chemistry, though they were married, so you know they were doing all that for real." Edward laughed, causing me to giggle.

"Yeah, I guess so," I said.

"Hey Iz, I love you. You know that?" Edward asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, I know. And I love you, too."

"Hmmmmm, those are the most amazing words I've ever heard," he said quietly.

"I know."

~oOo~

**A/N: She's trying, right? :D**

**And the poem is from Shakespeare, obviously. The movie, in case you're wondering, is called **_**The Getaway**_** and it stars Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, and is from 1994. I'll try to link the love scene and the song on my profile, so if you wanna see the awesome love scene, you'll want to check it out. Oh, and about the song...Edward and Bella dancing to it comes from my real life, and is in fact proof that my hubs was a romantic little devil at one point. :D I'd been wanting to see the movie (I'm old, we'd been married like 6 months when it came out) and I made him go along with me. When the movie got over, I wouldn't let him leave because I loved the song and wanted to hear it. We were sitting down front in the theater and most of the people were gone. Hubs stands up, takes my hand, and asks me to dance...in the middle of the frickin' theater! Ugh...swoon. Now you see why I have 4 kids? Yeah, he's good when he wants to be. :D**

**Author Rec Time…**

_**ineedyoursway**_** – Have you heard of this girl? Oh my, she's the cutest thing! :D And she writes some of the best stories. I love the way she writes, and I'm so jealous that I can't write like she does. She says SO much in so few words...it's beautiful. She wrote a story called **_**Young Pilgrims**_** that I fell in LOVE with. She had another called **_**Fault**_** that really sucked my in, it was wonderful and so smart. And her new story **_**Gull to the Wind**_** is great so far. The emotion this girl gets out of me...it's wonderful. If you haven't read her stuff yet, do yourself a favor and check her out. She's linked in my favorite authors, too, if that's easier for you. Trust me, you'll be glad you did. Start with **_**Young Pilgrims**_**, you'll see... :)**

**http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/u/1782266/**

**I'm on Twitter, and it's fun. Plus you get stuff, like teasers. :D  
And this has a thread on Twilighted, though I don't hang out there as often as I should.  
Links to both of those are on my profile, as well as for the PIC blog, which I love.**

**I'll send a teaser with review replies, so if you want a peek at next chapter, let me know what you thought of this. It may take a while, but it'll happen...hang in there…it will get to you eventually. Also, ff dot net is being stinky about review replies, as you probably already know. If your PM's are turned off, I can't send you anything. Sorry, but it won't let me… :(**


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